Husband Home, Goes to Sleep?

Where do you live? I belong to the Ballys in Vernon Hills and have been very happy. Not expensive, childcare included. I pay 120 a year. My friend just joined for 20 bucks a month.

I have to agree with most of the women. My husband is up between 4 and 4:30am to exercise before he leaves for work. Usually out the door by 5:30, home at 5:30 or 6:00pm. We usually aren't in bed until 10pm and that is if the 5 month old isn't a handful. He is also huge on me getting my time for exercise. He knows that it helps with my sanity and helps me to be a better mom, not to mention the health benefits. Best of luck in a tough situation.

I would look for a used treadmill or eliptical. With the way the economy is right now you could probably get a good deal on one that has barely been used. Try craig's list.

You might not want to hear my idea - but you asked. When my dh (dear husband or substitute something else for the d) worked full-time and the kids were little - I used to explain to him that when he was gone it was my "job" to take care of the kids. When he came home from work, then we were parents together. The kids came to me more, because I spent more time with them, but it was both of our jobs to bathe, diaper, put to bed and read stories to our children. We became parents together.
I was tired too from taking care of the children all day long!
So - you probably don't want to hear my lecture about how it isn't just your job to take care of the kids in the evening. They aren't small for very long - and they treasure the time you spend together. They will get older - mine are in college now and you are going to want to have that bond with your children that was started many years ago. When they get into jr. high and high school they don't want to be seen with you - they roll their eyes at your suggestions. Enjoy this time you have - it doesn't get any easier when they get older - it just gets different.

M.

PS You need your alone time too and your adult time too - he gets to eat lunch 5 days a week without children at the table - what a concept!

Congratulations on your husband having a job. He also has kids. When he gets home, greet him in your jogging clothes, tell him where the juice is, and say 'See you in an hour'.

My husband is at work by 5 a.m. and gets home varying hours, sometimes late. He is still able to help put the kids to bed. Tell him to suck it up for an hour to let you exercise. I don't think that is asking too much. It's selfish of him not to help. They are his kids too.

I understand that your husband's schedule is exhausting. But they are his kids too and it would probably be good for them to spend some time with their dad in the evenings. I'm not saying he has to play tag with them- if you get the kids fed dinner early and maybe set them up with something quiet like a video or a board game or picture book for the older one, can't your husband just sit with them and relax and read the paper or something while you take a run? I know he is tired- I used to work an overnight waitressing shift and it is always hard to be on a different schedule to everyone else in the house. But it is also not good to just come home and plop straight into bed. An hour and a half of wind-down time with the kids might be good for everyone! I would try this new schedule out for a week or so- if he really can't handle it, get a sitter for an hour in the evenings.

It seems like your husbands unwillingness to help with the kids is a problem. That is something you guys need to really talk about. Because not only will it give you a break, but your kids will get to know their dad. My dad left very early in the morning and came home ate dinner and went to bed. When he died I had no idea who he was, and he had no idea who I was. So it is really time for your husband to be involved with HIS kids.
It is important that you also take care of you. Life can be very overwhelming and if you don't do something, the stress will get to you. I would go ahead and go running at your local park district. If the babysitting is too expensive, maybe find a teenage in the neighborhood that would do it for like $5 and hour. If you have family around maybe they would be willing to watch them for nothing for an hour or so.(if you live near Zion, they just opened a new fitness center. Babysitting there I think is 2 bucks for the 1st and then maybe a discounted rate for the others) Go run 3 days and maybe get some good fitness DVD's. Jillian Micheals makes great ones. Her 30 day shred is awesome. And do that 2 days. Sometimes with videos the kids will also want to workout and then you can teach them ways to be healthy too.
Good luck, I wish you the best!!!
T.

My husband works long hours too. His favorite thing to do is put the kids to bed at night. He misses them all day and calls to say hi at least two days a week. He is still able to get to bed early enough for work and put the kids to bed himself. I would be worried that your husband is not feeling well with how much sleep he needs. There should at least be two days a week that you can run and he can put the kids to bed for you. I would be worried that he doesn't spend much time with his children. These are precious years that he will never get back. I love watching my husband read to my kids and sing them a goodnight song. It is one of my favorite memories that I will cherish. You deserve those memories too. I think you and your husband need to talk about his sleep issues. He may need to go to a sleep clinic. I wish you luck and remember that parenting now is about working together. It is not the 50's anymore, Dad's are helping out more around the house.

I don't think you're asking too much of your husband for a little time to exercise in the evenings, especially since you're juggling three kids during the day.

Here's the thing: we have the reverse-traditional division of labor in our household. I'm the sole breadwinner, and my husband is a full-time dad to our preschooler.

I get up at 5am, get ready for work, get our son up, and make/feed him breakfast. Then, I leave for work at 7:20am, and my husband takes over.

I get home around 6pm, and take over with our son from then. I make/feed Isaac dinner, play with him, bathe him, read to him, and put him to bed by 7:45pm.

And on weekends, I'm totally responsible for our son -- it's my husband's time off (not that I ever get any time off).

My husband does a lot to take care of the house, Isaac's doctor's appointments, preschool arrangements, etc. However, I firmly believe that I do a lot more than most breadwinning dads. Your husband needs to do more around the house, and I'm saying that as the full-time breadwinning mom who still does 1/3 of our laundry and a lot of childcare. Breadwinning isn't an excuse to shirk family responsibilities.

Good luck.
D.

I agree with many of these posts. I know your hubby may be tired but guess what you get tired too! There is no reason why he can't be more helpful to allow you to be healthy and take care of yourself too! I love the post that says greet him at the door in your jog clothes! Awesome response because let's face it, if we women don't stand up for ourselves we'll just get taken advantaged of.

If he really is that exhausted that he can never help then there are some deeper issues here....More stress at work??? Depresssion???? If so, those need to be addressed with a therapist, change in diet, lifestyle, medications or perhaps simply a badly needed vacation to get away. You and he would know best :)

Re: scheduling a job - You should look into a YMCA. We are members at CW Avery in Plainfield and it's very reasonably priced for a family membership and they have a Kids Korner that is free to members. You can drop your kids off and they can play while you work out. The staff in there is really nice. My kids love playing there.

As for your hubby not helping you out. Sorry, I don't feel sorry for him. They are his kids too and you deserve a break. I am a SAHM to 2 kids and my husband leaves for job number one at 3:30 AM - gets home around 1 PM, then 3 days a week he teaches at night until 10 PM. He puts the kids to bed and gives them baths on the evenings he's home. Personally, I'd tell your husband to man up.

Dear Mommy G,

I understand your situation. My husband works very long hours. Exercise (for himself!) is important to him, so he actually gets up at 5:15 most mornings, so that he can drive to the gym and work out for a little while before work. He showers and dresses at the gym, goes to his very demanding and stressful job, and is usually home by 7:30 in the evening. We have 3 children, ages 8, 6, and almost 3. He plays/reads/talks to the older ones for 20 minutes or so until they go to bed around 8. Then, he scarfs down dinner, and plays with the little one for about half and hour. Once everyone is in bed, he takes care of our cat who needs to be put in a cage in the basement in order for anyone else to get to sleep. He usually does something else helpful for me, either starts his gym clothes in the wash (they are so disgusting they need to be washed separately!) or load the dishwasher or take out the garbage. We shoot for bed at 9:30 and usually make it by 10. I am lucky that he understands how hard it is to be home with the kids, and he is crazy about them and can't wait to spend some time with them at the end of his day.

If your husband is home at 6:30 and is unwilling to change his schedule, you could have your kids fed before he gets home, and have his food ready (if that is part of your routine) and you could go out for a hour right when he comes in the door. It means that the two of you won 't get any time to talk, but it will make him spend time with the kids.

There is another issue here though -- and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but I think it needs to be pointed out. If your husband is going to bed at 8 pm and getting up at 5:30, he is getting 9 1/2 hours of sleep each night. Frankly, this is not normal. For most parents, that is a Friday night occurance only, and then only if the kids know how to turn the cartoons on for themselves on Saturday morning. He should be able to stay up to 9:30 which would still give him a solid 8 hours of sleep. I think he has a problem -- medical or otherwise. If he is suffering from sleep apnea, he may be getting such poor quality sleep that he is exhausted all of the time. If he is acutely depressed, he could be extremely lethargic. Or, he could be so unhappy for some reason that he is completely avoiding you and the children. This behavior is totally unacceptable though. It sounds as though you don't see eachother at all during the week. I would suggest that you try to talk about this with your husband, and try to get a medical eval to rule out a health problem. I wish you the best.

Wow! Men are different then women. I also wake at 5:30, shower, wake the kids and get them ready for school/preschool, leave the house at 7:15, drop them off at daycare/school, drive 40 minutes to work, get to work about 8:05, work through lunch, leave work about 4:30, go to the gym for a quick 30 minute workout, pick them up by 6:15, make them dinner(7:15), make me dinner(whenever), give them baths, and get them to bed by 8:30. Then it's me time. I get to bed about 9:30 (it takes me an hour to get two to bed) so I can start it all over again. Let's not forget the nights we have swim and gymnastics. I would tell him to suck it up and do his part! I'll show him what exhausting is. Oh and don't forget buying presents for everyone (both families), wrapping them, wrapping the ones we receive from everyone because they are too cheap to pay the $5 to have them wrapped, shipping them, writing Christmas cards, preparing for the Christmas eve and Christmas meal. It just amazes me what we as females can do that the male gender cannot. Oh and I am no spring chick as I am in my early 40's with a 6 year old and a 2 year old. Stop the excuses. Tell him to watch the kids for an hour so you can go for a jog. It's the least he can do and the kids need Daddy time. Sorry for the rant.

Sounds like your hubby needs to just suck it up and pitch in. I get up every morning at 5am and dont get home from work until 6pm some evenings and yes, I'm tired too but I make dinner, give my 2 year old a bath and put her to bed many evenings without my husband helping at all. You need and desverve an hour to yourself to do what you want!!

Could your husband be depressed or suffering from anxiety? I think a long talk and doctor's appointment are in order. I agree with others that your husband is sleeping too much. He's saying he's tired because he doesn't want to deal with you or the kids. He can at least put the older kids to bed! They need daddy time too.

You have needs too and need to speak up about them. Do not ask him for permission - just do it. He doesn't ask you if he can go to bed! He just goes to sleep. You need a jog? Tell him you're going for a jog and then take your jog!

Good luck and let us know what happens.

One other idea is to invest in a double jogging stroller. When I go for a run, it's usually w/ my daughter in the stroller. Set them up w/ a drink & a snack if they are old enough and you can usually get in a 2/3 mile job in pretty easily. This way you show them it's important to exercise and run. Plus everyone gets some fresh air. Use the rain/wind cover plus a bundleme during the colder months and they are pretty comfy. Best of luck!!!!

Has your husband explored whether there is a medical reason why he is so tired that he needs 9.5 hours of sleep every night? I could see some nights you need to crash a bit early, but it shouldn't be every night unless there is an underlying medical issue. My husband, too, gets up no later than 5:30AM. He is home by 5:30, but with 4 kids in hockey, scouts, music, and therapy (one is autistic), the two of us are running pretty much every evening and through the weekend. We are lucky to be in bed by 10:30 (and even luckier if the kids are down by 9:30). Every one is different, but a strict 8 pm bedtime when you don't have to wake until 5:30AM is certainly not standard. I hope you can get 3 evenings a week of help til 9!

Running a household of 3 kids by yourself is exhausting too, and you deserve both a break and exercise! Your husband is getting an ENVIABLE amount of sleep. If he went to bed by 10:00 he'd probably have as much sleep as most adults. My husband is up at 4:30 and home at 5:30 or 6:00, but plays with our daughter every night right when he gets home, often makes dinner, and often puts her to bed. Because he wants to. I work part-time, but do 95% of the housework because it seems like a fair division of labor. We belong to the Y and take advantage of their cheap childcare. I hope your husband can compromise, for your children's sake as much as for yours.

Two options would be to run early before the kids wake while your husband is still at home, or after the kids go to bed, you could still go running b/c your husband (while sleeping) is still at home. Also, many health clubs and YMCA's have childcare provided while using the gym.

Been there, done that! and still doing it in some ways and my twins are 9. Bedtime routine still takes about an hour. My husband's work hours have been even longer than yours -- with him often leaving house by 7;00 a.m. and getting home at 9:00 p.m.
Suggestions: there are some health clubs that have "kids' club" (supervised play areas for kids), you might see if a responsible teenage girl in your neighborhood could be a mother's helper and watch the kids for an hour or two while you work out -- if you can afford and have space for an exercise machine you could work out at home while she watches the kids.
Remember, though your husband's work schedule is exhausting....so is yours! and you deserve some time for yourself. Work outside the home, while often stressful, contains built-in breaks and perks. See if he can give you an hour after he comes home, changes clothes, eats, gets a little downtime -- and help get kids to bed by 8:00, then he can sleep. Good luck with everything!

Hi Mommy G,
I have been doing the gym these last 8 months, and they provide childcare. Also, if you could get a piece of cardio equipment and hand weights, that could prove to be very helpful. It could be very affordable in the long run since you won't have to worry about childcare. You will only have to worry about exercising when the kids are napping and busy.

Happy Holidays!

The local YMCAs have gyms and most have childcare available to parents using the gym facilities. The rates are MUCH less than a sitter would be. Hours where childcare is available are generally 9-noon and again from 5-8. Honestly, with 2 toddler boys, I find it necessary for my sanity.

Hi, hate to say this, but I think your hubby needs to step up more. My husnabd also gets up at 5:30, home by 6 ot later sometimes. I run a home day care from 7-6 or 7 at night. My husbadn always helps when he is home and lets me work out. He also goes running a few times a week. We don't get to bed until after 10, morelike 11. My husband works on website that he builds after the kids go to bed, so from about 9-11. He does baths, cleans up dineer, plays and even takes the kids out for 'daddy night' once a week for a couple hours to give me a break and alone time to do what I want. My kids are 9, 4, and alomost 2. I get them all to bed since they won't let my husband near them when it gets close to bed time. 9 yr. old is fine. It takes me over an hour to get my smaller ones to sleep. I think it's all a matter of compromise and what you are willing to change, like losing some sleep, which I get none! My youngest is up every night multiple times and I haven't slept through the night in 9 years! Maybe you can go running right when your hubby gets home from work and let him feed the kids, even if you prepare it first, then you're home before bed time. Then you can go on the weekend too. I have no suggestions for the bed time thing since I'm stuck in the rut of it taking me forever too, but I know it will all eventually stop and I'm sure I'll miss it. Good luck to you.

Every person's need for sleep is different. Why are people bashing this man for getting enough sleep. It's a fact that Americans are sleep deprived.
Some people also have long and very exhausting commutes.
To have a job in this economy that supports the family well enough that one parent can stay home with the kids is a huge blessing.
You both chose your roles. Make it work for you.
I think he can help with bed time. But, get the children to wake earlier or nap earlier so they can go to bed earlier. Then he can get them down with your help. And then you can have your jog at night. Or, buy a tread mill?

Hi - I agree with many others that although your husband is up at 5:30 and home at 6:30 there should be some help - these children are both of your responsibility.

I, too, get up by 5:30 and get home about 12 hours later - I am 8 months pregnant and have a 3 year old at home and honestly I WISH I could be in bed by 8 but it isn't possible for me - there is too much to do.

You being a SAHM is very tiring as well - just as much as working an out of the house job - you have no break. Me, I at least can get away for an hour for lunch or walk away from my desk for a 'mental break.'

Honestly - I believe you are not being treated fairly and it's is SO NOT too much to ask/demand that you AT LEAST get an hour to exercise. I'm afraid if you don't get that time you could fall into mental exhaustion, depression, etc., etc. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but really - for the health of everyone in your family you need some time.

I just wrote an article about my exercise routine with my little one. Hope it helps! http://urbansuburbanfamily.squarespace.com/home/2009/12/1...

Are there any health clubs that have babysitting? I know sometimes husbands just cannot help and they are tired. is there a free jogging place with babysitting. Is there a cheap babysitter for an hour every day? Call your church, see if maybe someone needs a tiny bit of money and wants to babysit. Could you put on a tape and let the little ones jump around while you do aerobics? Believe me this is temporary in life. I remember trying to do some exercise at home and losing my mind because my son (now almost twenty five) well, he seemed to just need me and now oh I would grab those days back. How about sneaking in a couple of sit ups during nap time and letting the kids watch a cute tape. Be creative. Something will work out. And well, they do grow up and then you have all the time in the world and no little cuties with you anymore. The time goes fast so perhaps if you figure out something you will destress anyway. It is tough but there will be workout times ahead. Really.

I schedule my jogs when the kids are in bed. Husband is still there...so you are not leaving them alone. Jog in the neighborhood only. You don't need to jog 2 miles away from home. Jog in circles three or four times.

Hello, Maybe start the bed routine at around 6:15 (before your huband comes home. That way everthing is almost done when he gets home. Finish everthing up before you go except putting them to bed. then that way all's he has to do is put them to bed..........He will learn to eventually enjoy his one on one time with his kids.

Hi,

My husband's schedule is similar, and while he helps a little in the evening, I am putting the baby to bed, and then he goes to bed, too.

I can't give much advice about putting 3 kids to bed quickly, but I can say two things:

1- Your health is a PRIORITY. So-prioritize your sleep AND prioritize your exercising. I have learned the hard way this lesson. So, don't let yourself think "this is too expensive" or "this is just life".

2- Sign up for the gym with the least commitment/contract. Go. Once you have a routine down with the kids, the hubby and yourself, if you think it would be better to switch, then switch. But don't waste time thinking about cost-benefit analyses. Just go do it.

Best wishes!
M.

put the kids to bed earlier - my husband has to be at work by 6 at the latest, some days as early as 4, and my kids who are 10 and 7 go to bed by 7:30 each night.

Plus if your husband is home you can put the kids to bed then go for your jog, he is there to get them out in case of a fire.

In bed at 8:00 pm? If it were me, I wouldn't tolerate it. My husband works long hours, then comes home to help me with dinner/bath/bed, and once everyone is in bed, he studies for a couple of hours. He needs this time with his kids, and they need to see him too. Your husband is really missing out. The suggestions to purchase a used treadmill sound good. I don't have room for one, and we can't afford a pricey gym membership so I do workout DVD's when my baby is napping and my preschooler is watching a show. Best of luck!

Not sure where you live I used to go to a gym on harlem just south of ogden and they were open I believe 24 hours. It wasn't too expensive. Maybe look for something like that where you could get out after the kids are in bed. Depends what time you need to get up in the am. I agree that your husband should help more, not just to help you but to form more of a bond with the kids.

Hi there! I've only read your follow-up and wanted to make sure you knew: Lifetime Fitness in Bloomingdale does NOT have a running track. The childcare center there is really, really great. But you'll have to work out on machines, take part in classes or try rock climbing, etc. No indoor track.

In what I have paid for my health club membership I could have bought a pricey treadmill or eliptical machine. I rarely go to the gym. I think this would be your best bet or a jog at 4:30 am. Or a friend and you could take turns watching eachothers kids while you exercise!

He is totally disrespecting your efforts. There are two parents then both sould raise the children. Forget proposing the reason as time for your workout. Those children need HIS attention and time. You may be able to get game time for the children and your husband this way the fun is shared and he may find out a little more about his children. There is a website that may assist you in your
"support" of his sharing parenting. Go to www.theprogressiveparent.com. She is a parenting coach, the site offers an ebook also free. She may be able to answer your questions or have advice on how to get hubby involved.
You have to stand up for this, certainly you are understanding of his work load, he should be shown how important he is to his children. He may be oblivious to how to be a parent, his upbringing will give you that hint. How did his father fill the role?
After he has started to share time with the kids, then look into a gym that combines parent and children classes. Check out Layton Athletics in Ringwood, IL.

That sounds like a lot on your shoulders. Many athletic clubs have daycare. I know X Sport has day care for $1 an hour and you can watch your kids on a tv moniter that is on every piece of equipment. Then you could get a break during the day while exercising.

Also, could any of your kids go to bed before 8? If so, maybe ask your husband if he could be in charge of putting one of the kids to bed and he could still be in bed by eight. Hope some of this helps a little. Hang in there!

You listed the costs of the memberships and stuff. You might want to check into getting your own treadmill since it is so cold out, and save some money over time. Then when the weather warms up, you can get yourselves out of the house for nice walks to the park and such. If you decide to look into buying a treadmill, go online to Sports Authority or other sporting outlet next month on Fridays. They usually have one day online only sales. I got a $750 treadmill a few years ago for $386, including shipping. Then I just had to attach the handles and open it up to get going. Same cost as one year gym membership, plus you could jog whenever you want rather than trying to fit it in.
I know what you mean by trying to fit in family time. My husband works nights so is not home when I get home from work. We get a few hours on the weekend so try to squeeze in some time.

Excuse my bluntness, but really? He needs to be in bed by 8pm? Tough. 9 1/2 hours of sleep? In my next life I'll get that much sleep a night! Make a pot of coffee when you know he'll be coming home and hand him a cup when we walks in the door. They are his kids too, not just yours. So he works full-time. Again, big deal. So do a lot of people who have children. Being employed doesn't excuse slacking as a parent. What does he think you do? 3 babies is beyond full-time work!!!!

I have a double jogger that I love with a weather cover on it for the winter and it's great. Just wish I could get my butt out the door for the run.....

I put two to bed every night and it takes anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. Just depends on their moods and what we did that day, etc. Pajamas, teeth brushing, picking out the books, clothes in the hamper, etc. Sometimes it's my favorite part of the day, others it's the worst part. Either way, it's the end of the day :)