Husband Going down Range with Guard

I wouldn't want a daycare to raise my child if I didn't have to. That's what being a mom is all about. Can you find the time to play hard with him and tire him out? Work on how to be a "mom" to all of them. It makes for a better family relationship. School will be there later.

A couple things:

1) Are you both sure that you want to discharge instead of him? SAHD get a LOT more flak for it, but in my experience, a lot more actually want to then do, especially military-wise. It may be too late, but it's an option to consider...especially if the paperwork hasn't gone through, and you both have a little Leave stored away, to try using it (not together....he take a week while you're not, vice versa). It may seem counter-intuitive to take leave separately...but its a good way to try the shoe on for size.

2) Congratulations on your honesty. You've already picked up your own flak for it here...and probably will do so again...but without being honest, how can you actually find your own solutions? Good on you girl. You can take the heat, and you'll figure it out.

3) If you ARE discharging and doing the military-wife thing you have my utmost sympathy. Talk about culture shock. At least for myself it is SOOOOOO much easier to be the one doing things then the one waiting. In most ways the person at home has to be a LOT stronger then the person leaving.

*** all the rest of these are assuming you will be the one discharging ***

1. Think of this as a mission...
- You've got your team
- Figure out your objectives
- Familiarize yourself with your surroundings
- Start acquiring assets
- Improvise, Adapt, & Overcome
- You can handle this s**t, and you can make it fun! :)

2. You've got a ton of resources (assets to acquire)
- Officers/Enlisted Wives Clubs
- MWR
- Exit counseling
- Your old command, & friends
- Etc.
..........you'll undoubtedly have to swallow some pride on some of these, i know you know what i mean, but there are some amazing opportunities out there...............

Contact me any time.

A little about me:
Full-time Mum to a wonderful 6 year old. (Hey!!...where did the time go??) PT college student. PT teacher. PT artist. Ex many things. On-Hold many things. Excited about sooooo many things. 29, married, & in Seattle.

one of those ex-many things, is the USMC

Much Love,
Z.

Sounds like you've been a working mother all these years. Who took care of the baby then?

One important thing that helps when you have a baby or toddler is to have a routine. Get up at same time, eat at same time, nap at same time, go to bed at same time. Also have routines within the routine. I wonder if what would help you is if you spend some time (a month or two at least; it may take more time) to set up the household so it runs reasonably smoothly.

I know of several women who went to school and/or work and found ways to take care of their children. Your post sort of sounds like you've boxed yourself in. Think outside the box.

While you're getting your household organzied and manageable baby proof the house. Put up anything that your son could reach and damage or hurt himself with. Put child locks on all the cabinets and drawers. Lock the bathroom with a hook that is high enough that he can't reach it. Develop a routine in which your older kids watch him some of the time. A routine with one room being a playroom with a baby gate or a dutch door installed. This way your baby is out of your way, safe, learning how to self entertain and you can still hear him if there is a problem. This set up will make time for study more possible.

My daughter attended Portland Community College and she could leave her baby at the Child Care Center for a minimal fee. That would take care of class time.

My daughter also obtained loans. She could have borrowed enough for child care but she had me to do child care for her. Several years ago, at least, there were government programs available that you might be eligible for especially since you're military.

Both my daughter and I believe it's best if you don't have to use a child care center but found that sometimes you must. Day care can work if you've researched and found them to not only be reliable but to also have caretakers with whom you mesh.

My granddaughter went to a preschool sponsored by a church. She was 3 when she started and hated leaving to go to kindergarten at 5. The large group had a great indoor play area. They broke up into smaller groups by age and did quieter things in classrooms. They learned the basics; ABC's, numbers,colors etc. She had two different teachers during that time. She knew all of the teachers as well. They loved her and she loved them. WE liked it because they did include Bible stories and taught the kids manners. There are private smaller preschools such as this one held in churches that are not connected to the church in any way except that they rent space. The cost in the smaller private places is frequently less than in a large corporate day care. And the care is more relaxed and homier. No corporate rules to follow.

My grandson is in daycare in a home based day care/preschool. This caretaker is licensed for no more than 6 children under the age of 6. The kids get individual attention. My grandson has speech and anger issues that made it difficult to find the right place. When there are too many kids he's out of control. He gets along well with these kids and the caretaker. She knows how to be firm and loving at the appropriate times.

Finding the right place is time consuming. I found the home day care on the Internet. There are organizations that provide lists. The Oregon Department Of Human Services is one of them. I imagine Washington has such sites also.

I also found sites that taught me what to look for and what questions to ask when looking for daycare.

I'm sensing a bit of fear from you perhaps because this is something entirely new for you. I adopted my daughter who came to live with me at age 7. Parenting her was way different than parenting most children born to the family. So you are learning as you go with a baby. And you have two teens at the same time. I could see that you could have difficulty getting your older children to babysit especially if their first years were chaotic and perhaps abusive.

Which brought up another thought. I retired when my daughter was 13 because she needed better supervision and was too old for a child care center. In some ways, teens need more attention than younger children.

I think that if I were you I'd take time for each step that you want to accomplish. First get your house and family organized and running as smoothly as you need it to be to go back to school. Perhaps take one class by computer to provide intellectual stimulation for yourself. See how that goes.

If home isn't working in a comfortable way for you, focus on learning different home management and parenting skills before going seriously back to school.

During this initial time brainstorm for ideas as you are doing here and check them out. Take time making a choice to be sure that everyone is comfortable with the decision.

Stopping a career and becoming a SAHM is a big! adjustment especially if you enjoyed your career. I was a single mother. I found that I felt different about being home and parenting because no one else, not even a day care person, was reinforcing my values and rules. I was also not getting positive feed back from co-workers or the sense of success that work gave me. For me the support of friends was very important.

One family had my daughter to their house every Friday night so that I could have one night free just for me. Another friend took her for an hour or two or even overnight when I was frazzled or sick. If you're new to this area I recommend that you take time to make friends and build a local support system.

When looking for daycare think outside of the box. I've known of families that traded day care. Your time will be more flexible than it was working. Sometimes people find that a neighbor is delighted to care for their baby/toddler for less money than a licensed place. If it's a neighbor that you've become friends with you will have more input into his care.

In summary, slow down, work out each step before you advance to the next step. Treat it as on the job training.

My daughter did not do well being a SAHM. She had me to help and so she went back to work soon after her babies were born. She went from school to work to being mommy. She is just now, several years later, discovering that she has to do more organizing and planning ahead for her to be comfortable at home.

I'm a retired police officer. You are in the military. Being a SAHM is more difficult than either of our jobs probably were, mainly because it's so different. We have to provide the structure at home that was present for years at work.

I have a degree in Home Economics which helped me a lot. I also did a lot of reading about parenting because my daughter came to me as a special needs child. A part of what I learned while researching parenting was ways to create a workable schedule. However, I had difficulty creating structure after I retired. Baby's and children need structure in order to feel secure.

Several moms on this site have asked questions relating to being a successful SAHM. There have been questions about how to build structure and how to find time for ones self. And there have been dozens of good answers. This site's archives could be a helpful resource. Because I haven't tried looking back I don't know how easy it is to find previous answers.

A comment about the 18 month old tiring you out. I took care of both of my grandchildren at that age. I didn't have to keep running after them because their mother and I had baby proofed the apartment. I did have to be aware of where they were when it became oh, so quiet. I soon learned that I had to lock the bathroom door from the outside. :):)

I had to be available when they needed me. I could do housework but time was much easier when I was willing to stop and pay attention when they asked for attention. Sometimes all they wanted was a "pat on the head" sort of interaction. Other times I'd set them up playing something different before going back to the dishes.

Could it be that your son is asking for structure? He will be more active anytime things change and it sounds like you are in the midst of a couple of big life changes. Babies are very perceptive of the adults' emotions but they don't know what they mean. They beacome agitated and need some firm direction. Spending quiet time talking about the changes at the baby's level often helps him to calm down. And providing some physical activity preferably outdoors helps them to run off the energy their anxiety has created.

I also suspect that once you're settled and found a routine and structure that works for you you will be less tired. If I were you I would be anxious and even frightened. In earlier days I would have expended energy to keep those feelings unknown even to me. I've learned that I have more energy and can better think and make decisions when I'm able to acknowledge my own feelings and discuss them with a friend or sometimes a therapist.

I'm pulling for you! You're in one of the most difficult places to be. You'll be losing your routine and have less confidence being a SAHM than you had while working at a job you've done for years. Everything is new and you'll feel alone. One day you'll have that old confidence back.

Your son will grow up so fast, and when you look back, you may regret all the time you missed. The more time you spend with him, the more tailored his temperament and personality will be to your personality. This is why parents often enjoy spending time with their own kids and think it is easy to be with them, but go nuts around other people’s kids. I don’t know if that makes any sense right now, but as a nanny I really saw how easily kids become similar to their caregiver’s personality.
In the meantime, I’d recommend making at least one room in the house completely baby proof and spend the majority of your day there. It is way easier than chasing a toddler through the whole house and constantly telling him no. Just put up a baby gate, and stock the room with all the activities he’ll need to stay entertained. Also, a schedule will make the day go a lot easier. Make sure you get out of the house at least once a day, have 2 set snack times, a set nap time, and prepare activities for him to keep him from getting into trouble out of boredom. I too am a calm person and have a 2 year old son that is a WILD MAN! He is a lot easier to handle when I play WITH him, or give him something calm to do every once and a while. He likes books, Mr Potato Head, and puzzles… all things I save for when Mommy needs a break. Take advantage of the highchair when you need it. You can strap him into the highchair while he colors with Color Wonder and you can have a few uninterrupted minutes to sit and drink a cup of coffee. Getting together with friends with kids every few days is another sanity saver.

I think you can handle it once you get the hang of it. If you instill disciple consistently, then it’ll be no time at all before he is old enough to be still high energy, but obedient and well behaved.

Ms. fixin it,

You have two teenagers right? Hire one or both to babysit for an hour or two while you do homework. You chose to have a third child. I stay home with my 4 1/2 year old and 16 month old. Now that's tiring. We make it work, you can too.

Melissa

Hello- My first thought when I read your post was that you probably wouldn't get much sympathy. You chose to have children, and yep, young ones will run you ragged. But, although I agree, I also think that maybe you just need to have some ideas.
First of all, daycare is WAY expensive, so if you don't have to do it, don't. Second, why? If you have the choice to stay and watch him grow, and help mold him into a moral, fantastic, wonderful human being, why would you give that up? I get that you are tired, most mothers are. I get that you are in the army, my girlfriend is stationed in Germany and has three kids, (7,4,and 1)...it's tough.
Maybe you need to join some mothers groups. Do they have any on base? It may help you to think of ideas of things to do with him. If you are not doing anything with him, just letting him run, then he probably will "go" every where. He needs some structure. Maybe arts and crafts, some fun toys in the yard to run around and climb on, take him to the park, go on walks, go to the lake (we are fortunate that this year we are actually having a SUMMER), set up some water things in your yard for him to splash in, get a girlfriend that has kids around your kids age, someone mentioned hiring your kids to babysit (GREAT idea!), get involved in a church, your local YMCA...there are a lot of things that you can do with your son. You should be thankful that at that age he is active, wouldn't it be a lot more stressful if you had a son that wasn't active?
Mama, you "decided" with your husband to have this boy, I am willing to bet that he is bored, hence him running all over the place. My kids get the same way. But, if every day I am not working, I have a fun thing for us to do or place for us to go, it all works out. And I have an almost 3 year old who is the same.gogogog. Also, if it's getting pretty hectic, don't feel bad about putting on the TV for a bit, just to gather yourself! Good luck, L.

Depending on where you end up going to school, some of the colleges have on site day care that you can use while in class and to give yourself some time to do homework. I would imagine they would have things like financial aid to help shoulder that cost or even a reduced rate(especially being military). Look for co-op preschool groups in your area that way you don't really have to pay to have him gone all the time as long as you would be willing to take all the kids for 1 week or day at a time or if you can't find one find a moms group and set one up. It's hard to go straight from working all the time to staying home, make sure you schedule some time for you in there so that you don't get burned out quickly. good luck.

You poor thing! It sounds like your little guy is running you ragged. I can totally understand. I'm at the point where mine entertain eachother pretty well (including lots of quarreling, though), as they are 5 and 2.

I would really recommend that you get the book Making the Terrible Twos Terrific, by John Rosemond. You can find it cheap on amazon, or check out his site www.rosemond.com and you can get a feel for him. His newspaper column is on there as well. He says in the book that the terrible twos start around 18 months, give or take. He has tons of ideas for making such toddlers more manageable and able to entertain themselves, which is what you need. Also, it helps if you totally child proof your house so that there isn't anything that he can get into that you don't want him to (breakables, etc) so that he isn't such a threat every second (he explains that in the book). If you follow his wisdom things will get better with the little guy; it may take a few weeks, but it is so worth it.

Good luck, and kudos to you for adopting the teenagers! What a loving, generous thing to do!

OK! You decided to have kids???? right! Just because your one child likes to do thing's dos not mean that you have to run away faster then he is coming.I have 4 boys and that is the name of the game. You need to find things for him to do. go places with him play with him. If boy's feel rejected at a young age they will try on you more and more as they get older. They will also fall into that Nobody loves me category! I do know what you are talking about but I would never wish to work instead of raise my children. You need to really come at this at a different stand point. Like " what can I do to help my child calm down" Or " Tell more about your son maybe he has other issue that need other kinda of help!" But to say you want to work instead of be home with your kids because you can't stand being home with your son... Tell's me that you might need parenting classes.

Perhaps you should hire a mother's helper - a teenager to come into your home for a period of time each day to help with your son. This is much cheaper than day care or a babysitter. I did this after having major surgery on my foot and ending up on crutches for four months. I had a four year old and twin two year olds and hated the thought that they would be neglected while I couldn't walk. My helper worked out really well. She did all of the things I physically couldn't do (take them to the park, take them outside to play, etc.), and my boys absolutely adored her.

Military family life is definatly a challenge. Most of the men in mine and my husbands family have been in the military at one time or another. Make sure you send lots of care packages. The men in my family always appreciated them.It's also hard to adjust from working outside the home to being a stay home mom. I used to work full time until I was pregant with my oldest daughter. Now I'm a stay home mom with a busy 5 year old and a very active 18 month old. It does get hectic sometimes. But it is so worth it! Getting to see them do something new for the first time and to watch their little personalities develope is so rewarding. Remember, they are only little once. Also once you get down a routine that works for you things will get better. Enjoy the time you get to spend with all 3 kids. Get them all involved in writing letters to daddy(or in the baby's case making pictures). That will give you some good bonding experiences while he's away.
Take care.
H. T.

Hi! Have you ever thought about working from home? If you like the idea of putting your computer to work for you and being able to set your own hours and your own pace while partnering with a legitimate company that is in good standing with the Better Business Bureau, give me a call!
:>) J. ###-###-####