Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation

Sounds like this isn't really about the vacation, it's about other issues you guys have going on.

Anyway, just to play devil's advocate, I am a private person & not a fan of being in large groups of people, so the thought of going on a "vacation" sharing a house with 22 other people doesn't really sound appealing or relaxing & I'd have no interest in it. This is why I think couples/families should plan vacations together, so that everyone's wishes are met.

the only thing i can think of is this isnt his idea of a vacation. you said he wasnt excited about the idea. what would he have wanted to do with his 1st vacation in 17 yrs? something close to home and not in a hot climate, it sounds like.
so, now he's being a pouty baby for not getting his way, when he really wasnt even clear about what he wanted. too late to change plans, since he waited to tell you. but maybe if you have a talk with him and acknowledge that you could've gotten his input in the planning stage (yuck, i hate swallowing my pride too) but just acknowledge that, even if it isnt true, for the sake of peace keeping. let him know that you know this is his vacation too and he should be allowed to enjoy it (ie all the concessions you've already made to do all the driving and all the work) and promise him that when you get back, the 2 of you can start planning and saving for a vacation of his choice. I dont know what that would be, but, maybe a weekend cruise for just the 2 of you? in LA, there isnt anything close to you that wont be hot, but, you could take a quick flight to Colorado. Just ask him to compromise. If he can come with you and try to have a good time (I swear, he sounds like a pouty teenage girl) then you promise to make the next trip all about him.

Is he depressed or is he planning something else? I agree that the time to have said something was a month ago. I think you need to get to the bottom of the whys.

I would tell him how disappointed I was that he didn't say something sooner. Ask him why he doesn't want to go and why he didn't talk to you before you'd made the deposit?

Then I'd tell him that you've already made the payment so you and your son are going still. Leave him a "honey do list" for a few things you want done since he's going to have so much free time on his hands.

I'd have my son call a friend immediately and ask him to come along.

Go have a lot of fun. Take pictures and skip the guilt trip. I don't know what his issue is that he would think it's ok to back out now, but tell him you're sure he has his reasons.

Then next year, plan a trip for you and your girlfriends to Vegas or to on a cruise. Take the trip YOU want to take and let him do whatever he's going to do.

Silver lining: Better to go by yourselves and have a blast than have a grumpy/ whining/ complaining companion. Sigh. Learned THAT one from experience!

Also, a quote I have to keep in the forefront of my own mind:

"A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still."

How would I personally handle it? (see above) I'd be THRILLED he manned up and told me ahead of time rather than ruining the trip. But then again, I don't have a very good &/or happy marriage. The number of times my husband has "pretended" that he wants to go, only to come and be a jerk is FAR too long to list.

I would tell him if he doesn't go, I'm not going. Then I would remind him how much money we spent and that I hope throwing away all that hard earned money is okay with him! Then I would tell him that he can explain to your son that we aren't going and the REAL reason he doesn't want to go. I would then start unpacking my stuff. It would be a total guilt trip and I would silently hope he would give in. If he didn't relent, I would throw my stuff in the car at the last minute and off I would go. : )
OMG I would be furious.

I would not be pissed, I would be disappointed. I also would go with my child and have a blast.. Maybe try to find a friend to join your son..

When you get back ask your husband what the real deal was.. My husband is kind of funny about travel. About Sharing space with others and he hates spending money, if there is something he feels the money should have been spent on instead..

Make the most of it and leave the drama at home.. do not take it with you,,

I'm all for lone time...but sheesh...ya think he could have said something earlier than TWO days before you leave??!!

Personally, I'd let him know exactly how I feel and I'd go as planned.

Your son & his buddy will enjoy it and sounds like there are other friends there for you to enjoy as well.

After vaca, it wold be re-evaluation time for me.

p.s. My husband works very physically in extreme heat and he still likes the beach!

"What would make somebody rather stay home alone?" First thought would be another woman! From there I don't know what except your husband is being a selfish man. I'd put a nanny cam in the house that covers the living room, kitchen and bedroom!

The three of you have NEVER had a vacation and your son is 17?

Do you have a friend you could invite along. No sense in letting your husbands attitude completely ruin your holiday.

Blessings......

Sounds like so much fun. Can I go instead?????????

think carefully before you spy on him. That's a whole other can of worms. Accept him for what he is....& don't look for trouble! This could be a deal-breaker in your relationship.

Flip this whole thing....& rejoice that he trusts you to care for your family without him. & honestly, the whole vacation scenario does not sound like fun to me! I'd chose being alone than in a crowd.....that's just where I am in my life right now....Peace.

I would let him know staying home wasn't an option - this was a family vacation period. I would also be VERY SUSPICIOUS as to why he'd suddenly refuse to go.

Don't give him an option - tell him flat out he needs to go.

***ADDED after Update***

Glad to see that you at least are being proactive and placing voice activated recorders in his car and your home... :o) Enjoy your vacation!

I would be... PISSED! OFF. ROYAL.

It actually doesn't sound like he doesn't want to go on vacation with you. It sounds like he doesn't want to go on vacation. There is a huge difference.

As tired as I have been lately someone would have to die before I would consider being in a car for more than an hour. :( And I do mean sit, even death couldn't get me to drive.

Can't you just take him at face value and accept it is not you it is the drive and the sun, and everything else he listed?

Honestly this post made me tired, now I don't want to drive to PT and that is only ten minutes away. :(

I read your SWH ~ good for you! Go, have a great time and it will be a trip you and your son will always remember!!!
I too would be completely disappointed in the way it was handled. I'd definitely be discussing that at some point.

I just do not know how I would handle this!??! All I can say is that my feelings would be so hurt!

...this would make me very, very sad
...then fairly quickly, I would progress into very, very pi$$ed Off!

Knowing myself as I do, I KNOW I would talk, talk, talk to him about this and try my best to listen as much as I could...all along having the attitude of 'You don't want to go? Then don't go...I can do it myself!'

Absolutely agree with everything Mom on the Go said. I think you and your son should go and allow yourselves a wonderful time! God bless!
A.

That's being a bit selfish. I would wonder about his motives too. Maybe he will change his mind

Can your sons friend come anyway? I would be livid too but one thing I have learned is if someone doesnt want to go on a vacation leave their @$$ at home or they make it miserable for everyone else, you especially. It sucks that he doesnt want to go and I would be more hurt i think. Try to make it the best vacation EVER! Not sure what made him change his mind, or what he will be doing while you are away. Dont let him ruin this for you.

Much though I love my friends and family the idea of sharing a house on vacation with them would make me want to run screaming for the hills. I just like my space, especially first thing in the morning. But I would never dare say it out loud because I know most of them would not understand and be offended. Maybe that's what's going on. I'm guessing there's not much you can do about it now, but maybe next time plan for your family to have it's own space.

He is being selfish, and needs to think about his family, not himself. Your son will be moving out soon and this will be an important memory for him, so hubby needs to ask himself what kind of memory will this be for your son? One of family love, or one where daddy does not care enough to go.

Hmmm you are going end of story is my first thought. I would try to discuss it with him further to see why he doesn't want to go exactly. Listen to him and hear him out. Explain how important it is to you two and if he still wants to go home once he is there that is fine you will let him.

That would make me MAD. I have no answers beyond that!

I don't know why you've never had a vacation in 17 years, but maybe it's been partly because he doesn't like them??

I'd want to know more about why he doesn't want to come, but he may not be able to express it in a way that makes sense to you. Please go with your son and your son's friend and have fun!

I know you already decided that your son's girlfriend is going, but I would still have a serious problem with your husband not going on the family vacation. He should still be expected to go. It looks entirely suspicious and vacations are bonding time, but he's skipping out with no valid reason. Don't make excuses for him. This is the sort of thing that breed resentment in a marriage.

It's probably best to go ahead, with your husband or without him, since you've made the plans and invited a guest. Make it a vacation trip for your son and his friend.

But I wonder what your husband is planning to do while you're gone.

Or is he upset with you? Is he the sort of person who usually just goes along with your plans even if he doesn't like them? Is he feeling "managed"?

Solitude can be a great thing. As I write, my husband is away for the week, the doggie is with him, and it's just the cats and me at home. Ahhhh! But it was never planned to be a family trip, so that's a whole different setup.

I think it's alarming and sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his family during the holiday weekend. And you've put so much effort into everything just for him to say "no thanks"?

I get why you're livid...I would be too!! Let us know what happens!

Maybe you can let him know there are other people who would like to do this. And pin him down to a real reason. He didn't give you one. Sometimes people have social anxiety disorder and can't go away from their comfortable surroundings. Even for a vacation. Does he smoke or drink? Sometimes people prefer to stay in their own home where they can smoke or drink these days, perhaps he thinks he cannot be comfortable for a number of days like this. Just a thought.

Maybe a vacation for just the three of you would have been nicer. I know
if I worked all week in the heat, I do not think I would want to be on vacation with 22 people. That is a lot of chaos IMO.

I would tell him to expect divorce papers when I got back if he didn't go. What is more important that he's doing at home while you are away is what I would be wondering. Completely unacceptable. Good luck.

Is this totally out of character for him? My father has some social anxiety, and loves his solitude. He often opts out of family events in favor of staying home and working in his garden, playing his drums, or just having the house to himself (my parents have 5 kids.) Sometimes he still opts to stay home rather than come with my mom when she comes from Minnesota to visit us.

My husband HATES to travel, and only does so because I force him to (both of our families live in other states. He'd much rather just veg out on his vacation time.

I so sorry about this situation for you and mostly for your son? Pray about it..

Keep us posted. Hope things turn out great!