Husband Doesn't Believe in Gut Instincts and Doesn't Respect My Decisions

I don't get it either.

Why would you not reschedule to take the trip with him when he gets vacation at his new job?

I get that she was probably looking forward to it, but what are you going to do? Give her a $6000 trip?

I cannot imagine she would even be comfortable accepting that. No one would. And if she was, that's just weird.

Hubby is being generous, but in an odd way. The whole him talking you into this in the first place (sounds like you were not comfortable from the start) is odd too.

You have to cancel, she is not out anything nor owed anything. Plan a nice girls weekend with her at some point, but it does not need to be the same big expensive trip.

If you can now get a refund - Get The Refund!
Surgery came up so tell the friend the trip has been cancelled - it's the truth.

Additional:
I don't know about you but where I come from large gifts (or gifts worth a lot) are not appropriate between casual relationships.
Heck - I'd have problems with giving a relative $6000.
Just say no, cancel the gift to a friend, refund what you can, and next time get travel insurance or make sure the trip is refundable.
Hubby doesn't have a say about this.
He needs to start saving up for your next trip!

Your husband is sweet but no way! Get the refund. Your friend will understand. You have no obligation to take your friend next time either. Go with your husband.

ETA. Your added information does not change my thinking at all. I will add to suggest that counseling seems in order. I am wondering if there is more to the story related to how you and your husband relate to each other. Sounds like the anger over the trip is a cover for anger over more important things. Perhaps cancelling the trip argument has become a kitchen sink argument.

Whether or not your friend deserves the trip should not be a part of the decision. The money and how the two of you agree to spend it is the issue for me. Leave her out of it.

I will add that she doesn't seem to be a good friend. Why does your husband want to give her a $6,000 trip? Why is he willing to fight with you to give it to her? Seems to me, that once you resolve those issues.you'll be on the way to work on your marriage. Could it be that this is really be about his anger towards you? Or in response to your anger towards him? How did the anger start? Yes, counseling could be essential to save your marriage.

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I don't understand why your husband thinks that way. You invited her because you wanted her company. You are no longer going on the trip. You no longer need her company. The situation has changed. You paid for the trip and are no longer able to go. Why would you owe her anything? She didn't contribute money for the trip. If she had, you'd owe her a refund. The trip was your trip; not hers.

Does your husband understand that giving the trip to her is the same as giving her your family's money? Would he be willing to just give her the money? Would he give that money to anyone else? Has he considered that by giving her the trip he is taking the trip away from himself and you because he's given the money to her? That means no money for the two of you to use for a trip for yourselves.

The only way I can see that giving her the trip makes sense is if she is an important person to your family and deserves the trip because of that relationship. I wonder about his relationship with her. Why does he want her to take the trip when doing so takes the trip away from you and him? Perhaps he hasn't thought of his wish in that way.

Giving the trip to her, even if it includes you at a later time, changes the reason for booking the trip in the first place. Why is he wanting her to take his place? She was only going on the trip because he couldn't. Now he can, at a new time.

Geez! He makes no sense at all.

To me, you come across angry because you say something about "owing" her. What do you "owe" her? Do we not have the details?

What do you mean "another" free trip?

The way I see this is you invited a friend to go on a trip in order to not lose everything in a non refundable trip.

Things changed, you have to have surgery so now the insurance portion of mon refundable kicks in due to a legit issue.

So why would you not get the refund minus the co-pay?

Did you make a deal with her somehow that the trip would get you out of some deal with her? Do you owe her $$ for something and this is in exchange?

I see no reason in giving her the entire trip IF you qualify for refunds. Plus, airlines will not allow you to transfer names on a ticket. Once something us ticketed, it's yours. You do get credit to use the ticket sometimes if you go to the same destination within 1 year.

I don't get why you or your hubby think you owe a friend a vacation unless we don't have the entire story.

This makes no sense to me. Get your money back, is my vote.

First, I think you should tell your friend that unexpected surgery has come up and that you cannot go on the trip anymore and are getting refunded. Tell her sorry to get her hopes up, but it is just not in the cards. She will understand. Then get refunded by your insurance. Next, you have the larger problem of talking things out with your husband and working things out so that you do not feel so angry with him. I would be pretty pissed off if my husband just wanted to give away $6000. That money should be used to pay for college for the kids, house repairs, medical issues, or if you really wanted to give it away then to a good charity that would actually help people in need.

welcome to mamapedia!

What I think is you sound utterly pissed and haven't communicated your anger to your husband. I don't think we have the whole story here. Especially with as pissed as you are.

Here's what I get from your post and ETA - 1. You planned a $6K trip, your husband KNEW about said trip, got a new job and did NOT work that into the deal for is new job. Am I right so far? So husband said - sorry honey - I can't go - you go with a friend. You asked friend, she accepted. Now you have to have surgery so the insurance you bought for the trip is being refunded.

However, your husband wants you to NOT get your money back and let her go instead?
What do you mean by "ANOTHER" free trip? have you taken her on vacation before?

So your husband feels your family doesn't NEED the $6K?

WHY does your husband feel this way? Did he tell you WHY he believes that this friend deserves a $6K trip on you guys?

So your husband is ok with ya'll paying for her vacation? Strange. No you don't owe her anything. You told her that things could change. She is probably very disappointed as I would be but no you don't "owe" her a vacation.

Your husband is strange.

This question strikes me as odd. I have booked very expensive trips, I have taken out the insurance, never had to cancel half of it but I feel like if I invited a friend I would not say if I got sick I will cancel the whole trip. That just seems very off. People think of major things, not the flu.

That and you are saying she wasn't out a penny. How can that be? Even with insurance I could not change the name on the tickets, I would have had to re-book the flight under her name at full cost.

The other thing that is odd is without any reason I could change the times of everything, the plane, the tour, the hotels so why didn't you do that? You even said your husband said reschedule. Sorry but with so much wrong I have a hard time answering. If what you say is true and you have the oddest insurance policy ever! Why didn't you offer her the package for 6k? She would get a 1000 dollar discount and you wouldn't be out a penny.

No, you need to get the money back from the travel insurance. You don't owe her a free trip.

If she's a good friend and a good person, she will totally understand and will not be upset by this. Stuff happens.

Refund. Better to lose $1,000 and get $6,000 back, than to get nothing back. With the refund, you can reschedule a future trip with your husband at a later date. How someone can be upset with a friend who needs surgery and can no longer travel is beyond me, especially when she was being gifted a trip worth thousands in the first place and she didn't lose a penny in the process.

You had planned to go, but now cannot due to unforeseen circumstances. The only reason you invited her was because the ticket for your husband was nonrefundable and you would have been out that money otherwise. Now that your surgery is something that is covered by your travel insurance, you won't be out all of the money any longer.

I would apologize to her and explain that your medical issue was unexpected and that you have chosen to reschedule to a time that your entire family could go. I don't believe that you have a responsibility to fund an expensive trip for her that you cannot go.

No, you don't owe her a free trip. She may be disappointed, but it was very generous for you to offer her the trip in the first place. She should understand if you need to cancel. Of course you are going to cancel a trip if you need surgery! I cannot imagine forfeiting $6000 to spare a friend some disappointment!

ETA: Julie S: Why would it be odd to cancel a trip because of the flu? That is why people buy insurance. It would be odd to go on a trip with the flu! Flu is a pretty major thing. Most people with the flu are bedridden or hospitalized and certainly shouldn't be spreading it to people on an airplane!

I don'tt think you owe her anything, especially because it sounds like you told her from the beginning that you would cancel if needed. If it's true that your vacation really cannot be rescheduled in any way, nor can your surgery, then you need to get your money back. Offer your friend the trip for $6000 so you're not out any money and let her go with someone else if she wants. If she declines, then just cancel through your insurance and no one goes. I hope your surgery goes well and you get a chance to travel soon.

I think your husband is being very sweet and thoughtful to suggest that you still take the friend. I don't think you "owe" her anything. The plan changed due to a medical emergency, surely any friend would understand that and not expect anything further from you. Use the money to book a new trip with your husband. It sounds like you would not enjoy going with your friend.

I hate to see you lose $1000 but getting back $6000 is huge. I don' understand the pushback below about canceling if you get the flu, first of all. You said, "If a doctor says I can't travel," so what's the big deal with that? You're having surgery, and you bought insurance for that exact contingency.

I agree with you that (sorry) your husband is nuts! Why in the world would you give her a free trip and lose $6000??? You should reschedule the trip at a time that is good for you, irrespective of her schedule. I think you should go in 6 months or a year when your husband can go.

So she was going to get a freebie because your husband bailed, but now you can't go either. She's lost nothing! I hope she isn't expecting anything, so I wouldn't even bring up your husband's silly idea with her.

ETA: You have changed your post to include more details. My answer to your question is still the same, but I think you have some other issues to deal with. You have one issue with your husband and another with this friend. First you and your husband need to get on the same page as far as your finances. Even if you can afford to give away $6000, is that how you want to give it? What are your MAIN priorities? Are your children's college accounts and your retirement fully funded? If not, wouldn't this money be better spent there? If they are fully funded, what about charities that are near and dear to your heart? If you have the money to spare, isn't there some organization that could really benefit from a $6000 donation? You could impact so many lives!

As far as the friend, from your added information, I sense resentment on your part. You don't want to give this $6000 trip to her, in part, perhaps, because she doesn't seem to be as giving to you as you may be to her. She made a comment about not missing a free class in order to pick up your kids at a time when you really needed her. You felt she wasn't there for you, so why should you "give" her a $6000 vacation. It seems that you feel the relationship is very lopsided, with her giving nothing, or else giving very grudgingly, and with you potentially giving very much. Do I have that right?

You and your husband need to get on the same page about how and when you give money to others. Then, you need to spend some time thinking about friendships and what you value in those relationships.

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ORIGINAL:
Did she have to buy a plane ticket to get to your destination? If so, and you get a refund on your trip, she would be stuck with that airline ticket, unless it is a refundable one. So, if she's already purchased the ticket, and it's non-refundable, then I think you would compensate her for the ticket or the change fee she'll incur if she makes a change to use the ticket at another time.

Outside of that, no. You don't "owe" her anything. It was a nice gesture of you to ask her to accompany you, but things out of your control have changed, and this trip is just not going to happen as a result. A good friend will and should understand that.

I would NEVER expect anyone to give me a vacation, but that's me.

Reschedule the trip when you can travel. Your "friend" is nuts to think that she should be entitled to still go.

Take the $6,000 back and write off the $1,000. Sorry she is not a good friend.

the other S.

ETA: Sounds like you have bigger problems than a friend and a trip. You and your husband are not on the same page even after counseling. Perhaps you need to decide what you want to do with him in the future for the rest of your life.

Do have your surgery and make sure you are healthy so that you can go on a trip. If you don't look out for you no one will.

Surely your friend understood that the reason she was invited to go on the trip with you was because your hubby could not go due to his job change. Your family had already paid for a trip for two and you generously offered for her to take his place.

Maybe she will be disappointed, after all even though it was free for her, I assume she took time off from work, made arrangements for her children, and such. BUT she should understand that if you need surgery, the trip unfortunately is off for both of you!

I don't know why it would be her business that due to surgery you will get a refund. I would get the refund, save the money until you and hubby can reschedule, and take a vacation with him as originally planned.

Maybe plan a girls weekend with your friend later but somewhere local, not like you owe her a $7,000 trip! I can't imagine any friend being upset, I'd think she'd be sympathetic to you needing surgery.

If I understand your posting correctly: you have two vacations which were originally nonrefundable. You need surgery, so your trip will be refunded. That leaves one vacation which will not be refunded. Again, if I understand you correctly: You will not receive this money back whether or not your friend goes. If she doesn't go, no one gets any money back. So why not let her go? Whether or not she is a close friend or a good friend, that $6k will go to waste if someone doesn't go...so why not let it be her?

Ignore your husband. He doesn't get a vote.

Well, I feel so sorry for her! I don't get to ever go on vacations, because we can't afford it. So if someone cared enough to invite me to go on a dream vacation I'd be so excited and planning on it so deep in my heart. It would break my heart to not get to go.

But if you're not going to get to go due to surgery then you can just tell her that you have to cancel.

It is pretty convenient that your doc gave you nearly the only reason you can cancel and get a refund though. Sorry, that was catty. I'm empathizing with the friend still...I feel bad for her, okay?...lol.

Tell her you're having surgery and can't go then invite her to come stay with you for a few days while you recuperate so she's not completely left out.

You have changed your posts several times regarding your friend: you don't want to give her a free trip, you originally didn't indicate you gave her the cancellation due to flu clause, and and that you were angry with her for not picking up your children from church while you were in the ER (because she was at a free function).

Now your SWH indicates you *can't* get a refund and your husbands is insisting you should take her? Is surgery postponed?