What Do You Think? - Arlington,VA

I really can't believe that you cancelled a TRIP TO EUROPE over a discipline issue. That's pretty awful of you, frankly. The time to have pulled the plug on this was from the beginning. If you weren't on board with it and your daugther didn't want to go, you should have had your husband take a firm stance with his mother if she was railroading right past you.

I sincerely hope that your MIL didn't lose any money in this and didn't by non-refundable tickets or anything. If she did, you owe her any money she has lost.

You didn't cancel a trip to the movies or a weekend outing, you cancelled an international vacation that your MIL has been looking forward to sharing with your daughter for years, and probably was spending a substantial amount of money on.

I'd be pissed at you too.

I think you should apologize to your daughter and your MIL and find out if there is any way your daughter can still go. The scenario where you asked your daughter what she would do in a restaurant with her grandmother, does NOT mean she won't stick up for her needs. It means she is POLITE. She told you she would not eat food that would make her sick and she would allow her grandmother to finish her meal before leaving to find her food. Seems like the right answer to me. She is going to Europe - they have health care there. Many people with celiac disease LIVE there.

And using a trip that involves other people to threaten your daughter. Immature and selfish. Say for example that you were having destination wedding/recommitment ceremony. Your maid of honor threatens her child that they won't go if she doesn't clean her room. Kid doesn't clean room. Your maid of honor informs you 20 days before your event that she won't be attending (she has to stay in US to care for her child). How selfish would that be?

So your SWH states that the real cancellation of the trip came about because your daughter didn't do something she was supposed to do? Sorry but I wouldn't tie a punishment to the VERY EXPENSIVE cost of a family member. I would be furious too if I had spent all that money only to be told oh sorry, guess that's your loss.
Really, you needed to be firm from the beginning. You never really said no, you weren't clear, and now you have not only cost your MIL an huge amount of money but you've created a rift in the relationship.
Take a lesson from this and offer to pay for any money your MIL lost, it's the least you can do.

You really used a trip to Europe as a threat? You didn't want her to go, so you made sure she didn't get to go. Celiac Disease is terrible, but lots of people with it go to Europe --and even live in Europe.

That's what I think. This is about you, not your daughter. I don't blame your MIL. Your daughter missed out on a trip to Europe. I'd understand your hesitation if you daughter was 8, but she isn't. She's going to HS. She isn't a baby. When I was 11, my mom put me and a friend on a plane and sent us off to my grandma for 3 weeks. We had a great time. Your daughter is a full fledged, soon to be driving teenager. She needs to learn how to take care of herself, and that includes getting what she needs and saying this to Grandma.

ETA: after further thought, I have to ask, did you pay her back the money she is out for at least the airline ticket? I can understand canceling because your daughter was actually sick, but you cancelled because of your own issues/boundaries with grandma, so I would think you would help cover the loss. That's the right thing to do.

You had 8 years to say no.

As for her health it was easy. Tell the doc to lay down the law, no traveling at this time. He said it was okay for her to go? Ohhhh.

Other than that you found any reason you could to ruin this trip. You NEVER planned on letting her go. Be honest with yourself, she didn't have any chance of going at all.

Grounding her from EUROPE! That was way over the top. That's like grounding a kid from.....well, a huge expensive amazing trip!

I'd be extremely mad at you, forever, especially since the doc DIDN'T say she couldn't travel.

If your husband didn't lay down the law and say no then it would appear he didn't agree with you. If I were him and you had done this I'd have simply told the girl to pack her stuff up and to get in the car to go to the airport.

It's an amazing trip that was planned. For 13 years it was planned! You blew it on this one. You had 13 years to put an end to this and didn't.

So now you have a MIL who hates you, I'd be pretty mad too, especially if any money had been spent on the trip. I think you should give her every penny of the money she spent on this back. It was your fault it didn't happen so you need to reimburse her.

Why pay her back? You never planned on letting your daughter go, you didn't have any intention of her going and you let your MIL waste that money.

So let me see if I understand this, your daughter is going into High School. So she is 13/14. She had to opportunity to go to Europe and bond with her grandmother? Correct?

So, your teenage daughter has health issues. She should be old enough to handle that. I think YOU are the one who couldn't handle the fact that your daughter was going on a trip with MIL and you weren't going to be in control.

You used the trip as a disciplinary tool and this whole thing has blown up in your face. Well, it should. I would be furious with you as well. However, my husband would have interceded and honestly I can't believe he didn't tell you to knock it off.

I'm so sorry your daughter had to miss this trip. How sad for her. What are you going to do when she goes off to college? Go with her?

I'm still stunned by this. WOW.

So you use the trip, do this or that or I will cancel it, as a carrot/stick to get her to do things and then a couple weeks before the trip you cancel it? Does your daughter even have her passport? I would imagine she doesn't because you never intended on letting her go on the trip.

I would be angry at you as well, very angry. You have all these excuses, reasons we should see your mother in law as the bad guy but in the end she lost a lot of money because you couldn't spell it out, don't buy the tickets, I will never let her go. You don't have a penny invested in this! You didn't care about anyone but what was easiest on you.

You have every right as a parent to say your daughter can't travel but don't paint your mother in law out to be the bad guy so you can feel better about what you did. Before the tickets were bought you should have said, I am not letting her go!

I just can't imagine how angry I would be if I planned and paid for a trip to Europe, paid for it, and it got canceled at the last minute because my daughter in law was only thinking of herself. Oh and please don't update your what happened to say the trip wasn't paid for, I have traveled to Europe several times, once with my older daughter, I know how this works. At best she bought the insurance and paid the deductible and is only out around 2,000.

Oh wow! after taking a look at your questions, so grandma is a widow and has been discussing this since her husband died. You are a class act!

Oh sweet mother of god!! After reading your edit I am adding you to the list of people I won't respond to. You don't want help, you want to be the victim and you want us to tell you you are a victim. Your family is a victim of you. Done now!

Honey, I think you are in the wrong on this one. Sorry.

You intentionally sabotaged your MIL's wonderful and gracious intentions to treat your daughter to a trip of her life time.

Do you have any idea the fabulous influence this would potentially have on your daughter's education and future bond with her grandmother?

Everything you mentioned is totally manageable. Teach your daughter to have a voice of her own, not to just parrot you and your wild disbeliefs.

There are plenty of restaurant chefs who can accomodate Celiac eating request on demand. Just ask before you sit down.

Having a concussion 8 weeks ago ....she's totally well enough to travel by now. You don't mention how severe the concussion is.

ADHD meds: people take mini vacations from those meds all the time. It actually helps reduce the adverse reaction you claim, but don't describe.

Sorry, I'm with your MIL on this one. You have a need to be needed and your forcing this unhealthy relationship pattern onto your daughter. I would be thoroughly bummed and distraught with a DIL like you, who can't / won't let her baby grow up and enjoy the simple treasures that life has to offer: friendship and travel

I don't know where you live, but the schools my kids attend, they go on annual cross country trips with their peers/teachers starting in the 9th grade and travel to Europe in HS. Please start preparing your daughter now.

I would suggest you teach your daughter now how to speak up for her many issues. I actually wonder if you are part of those medical problems.

I think you did not want her to go. A concussion two months before, you change meds before trip, lots of people with celiac travel. Sounds like you blew it. What a great experience it would have been for your daughter. I bet there was money lost. The word sabotage comes to mind. It is what you did.

i think waiting until your 'test trip' was scheduled is WAY too late to start drawing boundaries. yes, your MIL is very overbearing, but you've been meekly acceding to her demands all this time, so how was she to know you weren't actually agreeing? saying you're not sure and haven't actually agreed TWICE over the years isn't really standing on terra firma.
i certainly don't blame you for canceling the trip. under the circumstances it doesn't sound like a great idea. but if i were either your MIL or your daughter i'd be devastated. you owe them both a HUGE apology.
hope you are able to find a way to make it right.
khairete
S.

Wow, I just responded to your other post, but this.

Nina, Are you in any therapy? You have a lot of communication issues and self importance issues.

Your daughter is going to be a freshman this fall? She should be very aware of her health condition and able to pretty much handle this on her own. My niece has this disease and is camp this summer and we know she is completely able to take care of this on her own.

IF you had really wanted Grandmother to take her, you all would have been working together on strategies to handle this. Instead you have had an entire trip cancelled at the last minute?

Again the money and time and energy wasted on this because YOU think it is ok to change plans because of what you need and want?

You have issues. You waste a lot of time and energy and worse, you do not care the effect on others. Big Red Flag.

Sorry, but if my mother stopped me from going to Europe with my grandma I don't think I would have ever forgiven her!

Congratulations! You got exactly what YOU wanted. You didn't want her to go in the first place and you have successfully manipulated the situation in order to deny this opportunity to you daughter.

Watch out, your little girl is almost an adult. Older kids have a lot more power in their relationships with their parents. The day may come when your daughter just doesn't want to deal with your control and manipulation. That's when the paybacks will come. You're teaching her how to treat loved ones and it isn't very pretty.

I feel sorry for your daughter, it's tough to figure this stuff out when you're just a kid. I hope she'll get it all straightened out in therapy later on!

Wow. I am HUGE on making a punishment and sticking to it, but really? If your daughter didn't want to go and you didn't want her going, you should have stopped this before money was put out. Seriously. You were nervous to let you 14 year old go on vacation with her grandmother? (I'm assuming 14 for the end of 8th grade.) Your daughter didn't feel comfortable enough to tell grandma no? There's a lot going on here...but definitely wrong to use a trip to Europe as punsihment for anything.

WOW, I just answered the ticket question and then I see this. If I had paid for a trip to Europe and you did this to me I'd be pissed too.

You didn't want your daughter to go in the first place so you figured out a way to stick it to your MIL. What a piece of work you are.

I hope you pay MIL back for the expenses she incurred due to YOU.

You daughter needs stability and a good relationship with someone. Are you jealous that she has a good relationship with her Grandmother?

I feel bad for your family if you are like this all the time.

You should never have let this happen. You didn't want her to go from the get-go, and you should have said so. My MIL always wants to do stuff like this and I always say RIGHT AWAY "Nope, will never happen." And it won't. And I would never back down. And she hates me. And I don't care. She's not a responsible person and she does not respect me so I do not feel bad.

Waiting to cancel the massive trip over a random discipline episode was terrible of you. If it would have been for one of the other medical things it would not have been quite as bad. Sounds like you have very squishy boundaries and you're teaching your daughter not to be strong about things. Now lots of money is lost and MIL respects you even less than she did before (but she sounds horrible so who cares). Water under the bridge. Nothing to be done about it now. I think you should pay MIL every penny she lost because you DECIDED to cancel trip for non-medical reasons.

And if you really want to be a hero, let her go to Europe. Europe is beautiful and amazing. She will always thank you for the opportunity.

What's wrong with you? After reading your other post it is clear to me that you have very poor communication skills and think money grows on trees.

ETA
Wow. Your Follow Up is even more disturbing than your OP. I don't even know what to say/write.

Your MIL is way out of line, but neither you nor your husband (her son) drew firm boundaries early on. Your MIL should have been blocked from your daughter's phone the first time MIL went behind your back. You have every right to tell MIL that your daughter is too young to travel for that long or that far away, whatever you decide. If MIL says a short trip is too expensive, then so is Europe.

You and your daughter need to learn to manage her celiac. You don't allow MIL to make a trip plan and then cancel right beforehand because your daughter didn't do something by 2:30 as you said in your SWH!! You either give your daughter permission to go to Europe (which you didn't want to do but apparently gave in on), or you don't give her permission and the adults settle it without the child being involved. In this case, you wound up using your daughter as the reason to cancel the trip, and that's wrong. It sends completely mixed messages to your daughter, who is already confused because Grandma is working behind the parents' backs.

Take back control and stop being the only one who tries to control MIL. Where is your husband in this mess? He has to be the one to stand up to his mother and give you a break.

Nina, I think you should try to salvage this trip. This is a wonderful, extraordinary opportunity for your daughter to grow and learn. It's a wonderful, extraordinarily generous gift on the part of your MIL.

If you can't salvage the trip, salvage your relationship with your MIL. She doesn't deserve an A+ on communication, through this whole thing, but neither do you.

You weren't 100% wrong in this situation -- a communication breakdown just about always involves wrongs on both sides -- but you were wrong enough that you owe it to your MIL, your daughter, and yourself to make amends. And by doing that, you'll be modeling all kinds of wonderful conduct for you daughter.

ETA. In terms of the concussion, the person who should be making that judgement call is a pediatric neurologist. My friend's son had a moderately severe concussion last month. And right now, he's in Spain, in a study abroad program. His family got clearance from the neurologist treating him, and they got a second opinion before letting him go.

You were wrong to do the "If you don't do X by 2:30 you don't go." Your daughter did not really believe you would cancel anything as hard to arrange as this trip. I think you already know that you used the "she didn't do X" as an excuse when you had a real and legitimate reason to deny the trip that you did NOT use -- your child's health.

You were right to be very concerned about your child's health. A concussion? Seriously? These days, a concussion often means days and even weeks of a kid staying still, not even watching TV or reading -- three friends' kids have had concussions this past year and in every case, there is NO way that those kids would have been allowed to fly and be tourists just eight weeks after the concussion. The doctors would have probably gone ballistic if the parents allowed it.

And celiac? Yes, folks in Europe do live with it as someone posted -- but I've traveled there repeatedly and eating in restaurants would indeed be a real issue for your child. Period. Daily. Grandma would have to commit to going to stores daily to get other food. And does Grandma know how to read labels in French or German to know if a food has gluten in it?... I have a friend who has celiac and it's something to take seriously; your child could end up the hospital overseas, and it sounds like Grandma does not take the disease seriously. Your daughter is nowhere near ready to advocate for herself or stand up to Grandma when needed.(And your daughter does need to get to know her health needs and be more assertive, but she has time to learn that before college -- work on it.)

I'm surprised some posters are saying here that you should have sent your child on this trip -- I think they missed the concussion and the celiac flare-up and the adverse reaction to medication entirely and are focused just on your using the "do this by this time" excuse to deny the trip. And yes, it WAS a clumsy and obvious attempt by you to find some way, any way, to back out of this trip; you should have used the very real and pressing reason: My child had a concussion and her disease has flared up, and she should not travel at this time. You missed the boat there and end up looking petty when you had a sincere and real reason not to permit this trip.

Of course the real issue is that you let Grandma plan it at all. Standing up to her years ago on the promised trip would have averted this mess, but again, you know that.

Where is your husband in all this? Is he also angry at you? Is he siding with you or with mom or not taking sides or just doing the "Leave me out of it" routine that some people do? She is his mom; she lacks all boundaries; HE needs to deal with her from now on forever. You lack the ability to be direct with her, because hinting around for years that "we haven't said yes" is weak, frankly -- can you see that some people just read that as "Yeah, but you haven't said no so I'm going ahead here!"

It is VERY telling that your daughter finally admitted she is not always comfortable around grandma. That is your red flag and you need to heed it, and to talk to your husband about it. This situation sounds like one in a family I know where the parents ended up having to keep an older female relative away from the teen daughter because the relative was contacting the girl behind the parents' back, turning up at places the girl was without her parents, etc., and it made the girl and parents very uncomfortable. Grandma is very invasive. You were wrong to cancel the way you did, and as late as you did, absolutely. But she spent years talking to your kid behind your back. That's got to stop and I hope your husband sees that too, or he may end up pushing your child to have contact with Grandma that your child does not really want.

Well, my first thought is you took away an amazing experience for your daughter. I would not have done that. I went once to Europe when I was 22 and the sights, castles, museums, sculptures, ruins, history were so incredible. Your daughter will love love love it. I would just love to take our kids but it's out of our price range. Please talk to your MIL and agree to let her take your daughter to do this. Apologize for your nervousness. Decide on a future date. Stick to it this time. It might be her only chance. They can find food for her to eat... that will not be a problem. Meat and fresh veggies. Eggs, cheese and fruit. Europeans are all about eating fresh!

We've known people with this sort of family tradition:

A childless co-worker and his wife take their nieces and nephews on cruises when they hit 14.
We met a set of grandparents at the museum the other day who took each of the grandkids on a three week vacation anywhere in the continental US when they turned 10.
My husband and his brother used to fly as unaccompanied minors (as young as 6 & 8) to Australia and then do a 6-8 week road trip there with their grandparents.
My MOH was off in different countries every year starting about age 7 under the care of distant relatives she sometimes hadn't met. A parent would go for the first few days to get her acclimated, then return leaving her behind for a month or longer, and MOH would return solo.

Point being, the idea itself is not absurd. That it didn't feel right for your daughter with your mother in law is a whole nother kettle of fish.

Good luck working out what to do next.

Best,
F. B.

Are you saying the doctor said going on the trip was OK? I would have talked with the doctor and let him be the bad guy. If the doctor said it was OK I woul've found a way for it to happen.

I sympathize with your fear of letting her go if it's based on health concerns. But from the way you wrote this it sounds like you have it in for your MIL. You were against the trip from the beginning before the health issues became serious. Why? I would not have been so negative about the trip from the beginning. If you had just gone along with the idea at first not letting her go now would make more sense.

Really a trip to Europe with Grandma is too good to pass up. Your daughter is going to be dealing with health issues the rest of her life. You, Grandma, daughter and doctor can plan a way for her to eat so she can go. Sounds like she's too ill now but I urge you, for your daughter's sake to make this happen.

As to ADHD medication changing that could've waited. I have 2 grandchildren with ADHD. Why did she have a concussion? Was she still affected? Why could you not just change the date If the doctor said to wait.

Your daughter is still your baby in some ways. She is also way on her way to adulthood. You cannot keep her by your side forever. Especially since she has digestive health issues you need to encourage her to learn how to manage her diet.

And, my adult daughter has ulcerative colitis. Celiatic disease was initially ruled out. Stress/emotional upset does trigger increased difficulty. I suggest you may be contributing to your daughter's health set backs with your inability to accept her grandmother's generosity.

Where does your husband stand on this? If he agrees with you he should be the one talking with his mother.

After your SWH; you have put your teen daughter between her grandmother and you. If you don't want her to go say no clearly. You're using this as a way to control both your MIL and daughter. NOT FAIR ! I suggest this will back fire as your teen gets older. Not only will your MIL not speak to you but your teen will rebel when your manipulation involves something she really wants to do.

I suggest she already feels powerless hence the not getting something done by 2:30. What a petty way to make her the bad guy in a situation you'd already decided against her going.

Since this is your daughter's father's mother, I have to ask...is he alive? are you together? Does he have any say/opinions?
I dont know enough about Celiacs to say whether it would have been safe for her to go. But I dont see how you can cancel a trip to Europe 20 days before the trip!!!! She must be out thousands of dollars?? Your family has really bad communication skills and you all need to work on this. I apologize if your husband has passed away, (you do not mention him at all) but he needs to be involved in his mother and his daughter.

Considering all the issues your daughter has, I would have shut down any talk of that trip YEARS ago. To let it go on so long to the point of booking the trip was definitely a mistake and you probably see that now. I can see why MIL hates you NOW, but she'll get over it in the long run. You did the best thing for your child, so the final decision WAS the right one.

It's too bad your daughter couldn't go on this trip. If my mom had offered to take one of my daughters to Europe for 3 weeks after 8th grade, my daughter would have jumped at the chance, as would I. I would have found any possible way to make it happen. But my daughters don't suffer from the same issues your daughter does, and they're perfectly comfortable with their Oma. Had my *MIL* offered the trip, I'd have said "absolutely NOT". Given YOUR situation, I think, in the end, you did what was best for you. MIL will just have to get over it.

It also sounds like your daughter didn't really want to go and needed you to finally stand up and be the bad guy here. Poor kid's probably been dreading this trip her whole life!

Note: My FIL wanted to take my 16yr old son to Pakistan to visit his family, and then possibly to Saudi Arabia. My son is on the Spectrum, has ADHD, all sorts of issues, takes meds and supplements, is super sensitive to heat and is a very picky eater. There is no Universe in which this trip will ever actually happen. I shut that down FAST!

Well your mil brought this up when you daughter was little and continued to bring it up through the years. You never wanted it to happen but didn't come out and say it. You didn't shut it down until the last minute. Yes I can see why she currently hates you and won't talk to you. She was looking forward to this trip and you made it so it couldn't happen. The switch in medication could have waited. Grandma should already be aware of your daughter's medical needs and be able to work around them. They are going to Europe not the middle of the outback where it's a day's drive for medical care.

However, this is your child and you get to decide on vacations. Your child, your choice so I totally understand that she's got medical needs and you don't feel comfortable with this. I think this should be a lesson on how important it is to address things before the ball starts rolling. You could have avoided this level of hurt and disappointment if you had communicated clearly 'thank you but no you can't take my child on vacation to Europe'.

Hi, Nina:

1) You have control issues about your daughter.
(Seems like you are trying to live your life over through
your daughter.)
2. You have a dishonest side to you to have control.
(You really canceled the trip because your daughter
didn't do as she was told.)
3. You have a punitive side.
(When someone doesn't do what you tell them, you will
take revenge. You took away your daughter's phone and
texted your daughter's grandmother.)

4. You have written us to get support for your wrong doing.
(You need to assess how come you are angry, controlling, and
unforgiving.)

Good luck,
Thanks for asking.
D.
(

You cancelled the trip because she didn't do x by 2:30? Boy, I would hate you too. I think it is interesting that you don't throw that tidbit in until the follow up, which makes me not believe you and side with Grandma. My grandmother used to take all of us on a trip after 8 the grade. I watched my cousins go to Bermuda, Hawaii, and other exotic locales. Sadly she died the summer before I finished 8th grade. I so wanted to go away with her. If you use taking away a trip to Europe as punishment and take her phone away for texting with Grandma, your relationship with your daughter is going to go down the toilet fast. I suggest you examine your own motives in counseling instead of using the time to throw Grandma under the bus.

BTW- insisting that your husband or daughter not have contact with his mom for a year is WRONG! You are coming across as the abusive one. If I were him I would run!

I would have shut my MIL down the minute she "decided" that she was going to do this. I don't care if it's a trip to Europe or to the moon, this is MY child. You don't just tell me that your are taking MY CHILD out of the country without receiving a definitive approval/disapproval from me.

Having said that, you should have never let it get this far, and to use the trip as a punishment smacks at desperation to me. I do believe that your MIL was wrong to move forward knowing that you were not comfortable with this, but you had many opportunities to change the course of this situation.

Yes, Europe is great- been there, done that. Yes, relationships with grandparents are important, but you don't have to go to Europe with Grandma to have a good relationship. And a woman with so little regard for the health of her granddaughter doesn't strike me as a person I want to trust with my child.

I think Doris Day and Leigh R. did great jobs with their responses. I too, am baffled at the number of people who think you should have let her go.

I would have told my mil a long time ago that this trip was not going to happen. Yes, you daughter will be going into high school, but she is still a child. And a child with medical issues. Tell your mil if she really want to take her on this trip to wait and offer it to her when she graduates from college. She will really be an adult then and be able to tell grandma if she want to go or not, and if she does go, she will be better at making informed decision.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who's child has severe nut allergies. Her family does not seem to care, to the point where one gave her daughter a bite of pecan pie at Christmas that ended in a hospital trip. Relative "oh, I thought a little would be ok." If your MIL is not willing to worry about your child's dietary needs, there's no way I'd be letting her go out of the country.

And I agree with others, you should have shut it down years ago. My MIL talks about taking my daughter to Florida, and I always tell her she's not going that far without mom and dad.

What does your husband say about all this?
It seems like MIL was the only one who wanted this trip.
She's built up some sort of fantasy in her head about what it was going to be like and it had no basis in reality.
And you'd think Grandma might be a bit more concerned about your daughters health issues.
MIL will probably start talking to you again at some point but enjoy the silence while it lasts.

The way you describe the history with your MIL - she is way out of line.

The only place I think you went wrong was entertaining the trip idea with your *daughter* (not your MIL) in the first place. That should have never been on the table as a viable option.

It sounds like your MIL does not respect boundaries. Where is your husband in all this?

It also sounds to me like your daughter did not want to go on the trip, for whatever reason (which is why she broke a rule and lost the trip as a consequence).

If MIL stays out of my life at this point - great. Just make sure she doesn't alienate your daughter from you. Read up on appropriate boundaries. Get you and your husband to some counseling on that issue.

Finally, I would never send a 13-14 year old on an international trip without me. If anything at all went wrong it could be tough to get to her quickly. She's not an older teen who can fend for herself yet. Like I said, this idea should have never been on the table for consideration. I'd tell her that I'm not giving her her passport no matter what grandma says and that's final.

JMO.

What does your husband think, out of curiosity, since it's his mom?

I agree with Doris's response as well, but I also know how difficult it can be to stand up to someone who is adamant and bullheaded. Add in to that the very complicated dynamics of a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship and it's easy to see how this spiraled out of control.

But you apologized. So now I hope your husband can tell her that not speaking to her daughter-in-law further jeopardizes her relationship with her granddaughter and is incredibly immature behavior, regardless of how she views your actions. When someone shuts down communication, any hope of resolving a relationship or situation is gone. What a shame you daughter has to see her grandmother act this way.

8th grade is a great age for a trip like this. I don't agree with your MIL not listening to you, but this would have been a great opportunity for your daughter and if you had been supportive, could have prepped her with the skills she needs to stand up for herself. She needs to learn to look out for her health needs and a trip with grandma would be a perfect way to do that. Sure, she said she wouldn't have said anything in the restaurant but as her mom, your job is to prepare her for that situation.
I think spending a year away from your MIL is just going to drive your family apart more. Children need many adults who love them and your MIL is one for your daughter.

That is a tough one. So sorry for your daughters health issues. If it is a medical issue then i would feel no guilt and have your husband deal with mil. It is never fun to be the bearer of bad news when it comes to in laws. But she was very generous and what an opportunity! I would have been so grateful. But i am not sure why she is so angry if the doctors told her not to go at this time. That one should not be anyones fault. Hope your daughter gets the opportunity in the near future. Good luck

I think you and mil both went about this wrong. MIL should have gotten your permission about the trip prior to moving forward with full plans and purchase of tickets. You should have been clear that not only did she not have your permission but that you were not allowing it. You should have asked your daughter ahead of time (before agreeing to 10 day trip) if she was comfortable with going with mil on her own and handling her dietary restrictions.

If you changed medications because it was medically necessary, then sure the timing sucked but needed to be done.

While I fully support your right as a parent to dish out consequences for a child not listening or doing what they are supposed to, cancelling a trip such as this (cost and inconvenience to others) may not have been the right consequence. I would have picked something else....guessing you picked it so you had a concrete reason to cancel (maybe your daughter didn't do as she was told for that reason too).

Updated

I think you and mil both went about this wrong. MIL should have gotten your permission about the trip prior to moving forward with full plans and purchase of tickets. You should have been clear that not only did she not have your permission but that you were not allowing it. You should have asked your daughter ahead of time (before agreeing to 10 day trip) if she was comfortable with going with mil on her own and handling her dietary restrictions.

If you changed medications because it was medically necessary, then sure the timing sucked but needed to be done.

While I fully support your right as a parent to dish out consequences for a child not listening or doing what they are supposed to, cancelling a trip such as this (cost and inconvenience to others) may not have been the right consequence. I would have picked something else....guessing you picked it so you had a concrete reason to cancel (maybe your daughter didn't do as she was told for that reason too).

I have to agree with Leigh on this. She really gives great advice.
My uncle and aunt had stated when my children started school that when they were in 5th grade they would like to take them for a week in the US for a road scholar program. ( a state of their choice based on their interests ) my daughter just got back from Atlanta with them last month. She is 11 and I will tell you that my Uncle and Aunt sent many emails and we met for lunch to go over everything we could think of.
She did have a great time however she was homesick for a few nights and she texted me from my uncles phone.
My personal opinion is that when this was brought up the first time you should have handled it. Being passive over your children to your mother in law really isn't the best idea.
I hope it all works out.
Many blessings

tell your mil to go suck start a caddie, she should have asked you first..she didnt, when you said , "NO", she ignored you, she seriously overreached herself by ignoring both what you told her and the fact that the child has health problems and a concussion. enjoy the silent treatment that your mil is giving you..it wont last forever, unfortunately. is your husband incapable of telling his mother, "NO"?? tell him he needs to work on that, because as long as she can order her son around, she wont think anything of ordering you around..life is short enough as it is without being ordered around by your mil..been there. done that K. h.

I think that you should have made it clear early on that this trip decision was not between MIL and your daughter or unilaterally MIL's decision. I would have asked MIL to stop discussing it with daughter until it had been finalized with daughter's parents. Her hurt feelings and anger are hers to manage after that.

Your daughter is not well enough to travel-especially that distance-and MIL should understand. What if your MIL stated that she didn't feel comfortable taking your daughter out of the county and she canceled the trip? Would you have understood?