Husband Does Not Want Second Child but I Desperately Do!

Well, it's never wise to try to change someone's mind about such a HUGE life decision.
And getting pregnant "by accident" is right up there with the worst advice I've ever heard!
So I guess what's left is for you to come to terms with having O. child.
We have an only -- by mutual decision -- and I love it!

My heart goes out to you, J.. I am in a similar situation, although I have 10 years on you, so I feel the tick of the biological clock even more strongly. Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom or advice but would love to hear what other mamas have said.
Best of luck to you, and please share what you learn!!
L

I guess you need to decide whether you want another child enough to leave your husband and start again. If not, I think you are stuck. Stuck that is with a wonderful daughter and a man who loves you and her. Perhaps counseling will help you come to terms with this.

It is NOT selfish to not want another (or any) children. IMO, selfish is having more children than you can afford or honestly having more than 1-2 - remember the population explosion (didn't go away), green house gasses, limited world resources. As Americans we already consume way more than our share. The more of us there are, the worse it is for the world.

I was on the other side of this, but from the very beginning I told my husband that I only wanted one child. (He wanted two but we married late and I didn't want a second when I was 40)
Please don't label you're husband as having selfish intentions. Raising a child is expensive. He may be thinking of your current childs welfare along with yours and his. Perhaps he wants the provide his daughter with everything she wants and will need in the future like a good college education. Perhaps he's thinking of your retirement plan and over all financial security. (being the sole money provider of my family, It's always weighing on my mind)

Your husband wants his family (not just himself) to have a comfortable life. He may think this will be more difficult to accomplish if you have another child. He may have at one time opened the possibility of having a second but changed his mind. As much as you may not like it, he does have a right to chance his mind, as do you.

What ever you do, DO NOT sabatoge your birth control. Nothing will end a marriage faster than deceit. Many women make this mistake and find themselves in a world of hurt because they damage their relationship.

Sit down and talk to him in a very non-judgemental way. Don't argue with his feelings. You need to respect his feelings as much as you wish him to respect yours. If you feel this issue may cause further friction between you two then get counciling. I have seen this sort of thing end marriages, and unless that is a path you wish to venture, you need to get this resolved once and for all. I wish you the best of luck!

Whatever you do, do NOT set yourself up for an oopsie.

Everybody has the experience of wanting something that, for whatever reason, they can't have. Sometimes it's a bigger house, sometimes it's a better job, sometimse it's another baby.
No baby deserves to be born into a family where it isn't wanted by BOTH of its parents.

This is a decision for BOTH of you. When 1 partner does not want another child, that should be respected.

If you "trick" him by forgetting your birth control, he'll surely suspect that and you can rest assured you'll set up some major trust issues within your marriage and your marriage may not survive. If it does survive, he will have lost repect for you.

We have a family in our neighborhood now divorced because she was determined to get that 2nd baby. Well, she did, he's gone, now she works full time and struggles. Is that what you want?

We have an only by choice and we have no regrets whatsoever.

You are suffering for the loss of a dream, the denial of a wish, and that is difficult. You have your own ways to justify your feelings (conviction that your daughter would be better off with a sibling, for example). Your husband is arguing his case from a practical angle, but he may also have negative feelings about fathering and supporting another child that run just as deep for him. So the two of you have a clash of desires, and will do well to look at which of those desires are arising from real circumstances, and which are based on ideas, which are more available for change.

I'm now in my 60's and have known at least 4 dozen women who at one time or another desperately wished for another baby. I always thought little babies were the most wonderful thing in the world. But I stopped at one for good, practical reasons, and have never regretted it. Baby hunger? Yes, it has arisen, but a clear look at my life and my daughter's future always convinced me that one was enough in our circumstances. And as it turned out, she did great as an only child, as was so content with it, she's now raising a wonderful only son.

Most of the families I've known never regretted, ultimately, stopping with the one or two they had. But a few women who went ahead and had more did regret it, for any number of reasons. Of course they loved all their children, but some had children who turned out to be one too many for the emotional, financial, or energy resources of the parents, and that resulted in divorce when the strains became too great. Some additional children seriously affected the quality of life for existing children because of unanticipated medical or behavioral problems, or because a parent's health failed. Some divorced moms struggled to raise kids on their own. It has surprised me how often I've seen regret become a fixture in a family, and how often it breaks families.

On the other hand, in many, many conversations with my women friends, we have all reflected on the sheer joy of realizing our blessings, whether that was one child or two, or in a couple of cases, no children in spite of trying for years. Coming to terms with the limitations of life allows us to refocus and find a way to live fully and joyously within those boundaries. Please don't ever give your daughter a hint that she is not 'enough' to make you happy. Or that she can't / shouldn't be happy as an only child. That would be handing your unhappiness over to her to live out.

Onlies are happy, well adjusted children. Millions of American families now have only children. Those kids get to choose close friends, brothers and sisters as they move through life. Siblings are no guarantee of good companionship or emotional support, in childhood or in later years. I have two extremely needy sisters, in addition to a mom who's failing and needing growing amounts of my attention. I can't spread myself any thinner. I not only get no help from my sisters, I get demands that I'm should be there for them, and help them financially. Can't. My husband and I live on less combined than the average schoolteacher earns.

There's also the health of our beautiful planet to consider. Past generations should have been paying closer attention. They didn't, so parents today would do well to educate themselves. The population curve is no longer a gradual upward slope; it's a line running almost straight up. We'll soon be at a tipping point that will jeopardize the well-being of all the children we're bringing onto the Earth, and the very climate we depend upon will no longer be able to maintain itself.

Nature guarantees the future of the human species by making us hungre for more babies: they "feel" so desirable, in spite of the pain, discomforts, and sacrifices of birthing and raising them. That does not mean that humans can reasonably go on seeking to fulfill that hunger, any more than we can possibly eat all the food that would taste good. Baby hunger is hormonal, it's cultural, it's emotional, it's familial, and will probably be there no matter how many babies some of us have. But we don't have to dwell on it. We can live fully and be fulfilled in spite of it.

It is a choice. We who get past it focus on being thankful, and we let go of unrealistic or impractical dreams, and we live, right now in this amazing moment with the amazing child(ren) we do have. And if we're so lucky, we have a loving husband right there beside us.

I wish the best for you and your family. You'll do yourself and your loved ones a great service if you can open yourself to the possibility that your current wishes need not make you so miserable. Your misery is surely not adding to your family's happiness or your husband's willingness to commit to even more family. If you can focus on being happy, enjoying your child to the maximum, who knows how THAT might ultimately affect your husband's reservations? And even if he never comes around to 'more fatherhood,' you will still be much happier.

I would try counseling...A third party might help you make some headway. Get you both to look at the bigger picture. I have three and I am so glad..Are you already a SAHM? If so, I am trying to understand myself what standard of living he's talking about. Constantly fighting is not good. Get some help to break this stalemate argument. Your DD and your marriage deserve it. Good luck

Counseling. While it is disappointing and the loss of a "dream," it is strange for you to be so incredibly depressed. I wonder, if you aren't trying to fill a void with a child? Either way, counseling can help you both wade through this, and get to the bottom of your desperation.

Prayers are going out to you. Does he see you crying? Wow, this is a tough one, he should have been honest to you up front. From your posting he always knew you wanted more. Yes, there are pros and cons on having more kids, I'd downsize any day for my children, they give me so much more than money ever will.
Try talking to him again, write down how all the pros of having another child, how it's important to you.
My heart is breaking because I can tell how much this means to you!
God Bless!

Oh J., my heart goes out to you. This is really hard, I know.

I must be in the minority here, or one of the few moms answering so far that has more than one child, but I couldn't imagine not having all my kids. It is easy to say you are happy with one when that is all you have. You never know what those others bring when they don't exist! My kids have brought my husband and I so much love, happiness and fulfillment. Sure it is hard, costly and challenging. But, there is absoultely nothing more miraculous or amazing than bringing a person into this world - someone created out of love. I completely disagree with other posters that it is strange for you to be so disappointed and heart broken!

Now, all that mushiness aside (true, but still mushy), the only thing I can tell you is try keep talking to him and do not panic about your age. I am about the same age as you and I too have the same " Oh my gosh I am getting up there in age, gotta have a kid soon or else" panic...but truthfully, you likely have quite a few more good years left in ya! I agree with the other posters who say to seek counseling. This is a big deal for both parties, and you obviously are not getting anywhere on your own.

I have a feeling your "want" for having a child is so deep, so much deeper than simply wanting your daughter to have a sibling. And I so understand it. Try to make hubby understand it. Also, in return, you have to understand and appreciate his view points. It is hard, I know, because I would give up every "luxury" and downsize even more than we already do to have my kids in my life. But if he is the sole bread winner, he is probably extremely worried about money.

Try not to fault him for changing his mind - it happens when circumstances change. What is important to focus on is coming to a mutual understanding and agreement that both parties can be happy with.

I wish you the best. Let us know what happens.

I'm sorry that I don't have a good answer for you. I feel for your predicament. My husband and I decided initially to have only one child, for many reasons including financial (esp. when it comes to education), space and general population explosion type of reasons. I had a difficult time giving birth and initial months following, so that has really stayed with me. There are times when I think it would be nice and possibly easier for our son if he had a sibling, but I was an only child and was fine with it and developed fine. I say all of this because recently my husband says to me, "I'm not sure I would feel complete unless I had a daughter". Which of course, my reply is that it's only a 50% chance of having a girl...

We were very clear after having our son that we only wanted one child. We had talked before having our child that we likely would only want one child (Possibly, Maybe, Maybe two). This is a huge lesson for many on how important it is to talk in depth about expectations and how you see your life in the future. I know it doesn't help you now, but perhaps you can help others by telling your story and expressing how important it is for couple's to really hash out this very important decision before getting married. You never know, by telling the story, by trying to help others, you may find some peace for yourself, or perhaps even some answers.

Best of luck,
S.

My husband and I were certain we only wanted one. Every year we took a summer vacation and had the talk - do you want another kid? - NOPE - NOPE - and moved on. Until the one time we went to our vacation spot and i was already pregnant with number 2. So - my point- sometimes even the most adamant NO can turn to a YES if the time is right (btw my second pregnancy was planned - an OOPS baby is a bad idea) so just hold on. Good luck...

if this was my situation, i would "forget birth control". I already told my other half, that is this is a problem for us we will have an "oops" baby. But i will be happy with the oops. Good Luck

I would say, if you wait to be financially secure, you might never have the chance.
I can see him not wanting to change your style of living. Its a hard thing to figure out.
I'm still not sure how to handle it myself.
Me & my hubby have 2 kids right now. a 2 1/2yo boy and a 6 month old daughter. For right now, we don't want any more.
But I keep having these dreams of another brown haired lil boy. Both my kids are blonde. Some times I feel as if I'm missing a child.
My hubby says he has only ever wanted just TWO kids.
So I guess we shall see how things turn out.

I wish I could give more advice, but I don't really know what to do either.

I have a friend who wanted more children and waited and waited for her husband to turn around. He never did and she later found out he had a vasectomy on one of his "business" trips. He didn't want her to know, he just planned on her never being able to get pregnant.

She eventually left him and met a wonderful man. She had 2 more children in her 40's, a boy and a girl. She loves all her children but knew she was meant to have more. So she did what was needed to meet her needs.

When my daughter was 3, I was ready for number 2. (I was also 33!) She was in preschool and I was surrounded with other moms who were on baby 2 or even 3. My biological urge was very strong. I was really surprised when my husband told me he felt "ok" with just one. I let it go for a year before bringing it up again (in the meantime praying for a miracle to happen somehow....). This time he was a bit more supportive but not totally on board. Another year went by and we moved schools where I wasn't constantly nagged with the same group of moms, "So, when are you going to have another?" This group of friends were actually done as their kids were older. We fit in fine, our daughter totally enjoying school but I STILL wanted number two...even though my daughter was 5. Somewhere in there, my husband had a change of heart.... We started trying in earnest only to be devastated by secondary infertility! After all that!

I slowly began to accept the fact that it would be just us three. Pretty soon I was able to go to baby showers again and not look away when I saw families with more than one child. I also had another insight....one day I was watching an old video of my daughter as a newborn. I was suddenly struck with grief- that baby was gone. Was I wanting to somehow bring her back with another baby? I allowed myself to grieve my baby being gone and then able celebrate my wonderful daughter growing up.

Many people told me eventually my yearning to have another would change but I didn't believe them. But I could feel it slowly evolving.....soon my periods did not throw me into days of depression and I actually began to think it was pretty darn cool having just one. Meanwhile I had also begun regular accupuncture treatments to help out my cycles...and I did tell my acupuncturist I was still open to another child. ("Leave the door open" I told her.)

I understand your situation so well. And I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster....then my infertility issues was like rubbing salt in the wound.

My daughter is now 7 and is a great, well adjusted kid who loves being an only child. I watch the other moms struggle in the mornings ( getting more than one ready) and now they seem to look at me enviously!

This will all change now, though...because.... looks like we are going to have a baby in August after all. They will be over 7 years apart but I am still in total disbelief that it actually happened....

As you can see I have had a big mixture of emotions and life events happen since she was 3....so I understand!

I agree with those who suggested counseling. My situation was very similar to yours and I can completely understand your heartbreak. My husband had many of the same reasons not to have more children, but he grudgingly went along with it because I wanted a second one so badly. If he hadn't, I would have definitely pursued counseling. We also had several years of infertility which of course only added to the heartbreak. The happy ending is that I eventually did get pregnant--our son is now 4, our family is complete and my husband still thanks me for being persistent!