Husband Cant Seem to Stay Out of a Bar and Im Pregnant with Our Firsrt Child

Get counseling. If he's already avoiding you now, imagine how little you might see him once a screaming baby is in the house? If he can't compromise and cut back so you aren't at home alone all the time, he is not going to be a good parental partner.

Go to an al-anon meeting. I'm dealing with a couple of alcoholic friends and was reminded that badgering, pleading, or criticizing does not influence someone who's drinking to change in any way. I'm starting with al-anon because I'm frustrated and don't know what to do with them. Their drinking negatively affects our relationships.

One of them has been my friend for over 30 years and I have set new boundaries with her so that I would feel more in control of my own life. I suggest that it may help you to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with and tell him when he's sober. For example, you can tell him that when he comes home he cannot sleep in the same bed as you. He stinks, snores, tosses around so that you don't get good sleep. I'm just guessing with that. The idea is for you to do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

Unfortunately, before I could form new boundaries with my friend, I had to emotionally distance myself from her. I had to find a way to stop caring so much about how she acted. This will be very difficult for you to do because you do live with him and are carrying his baby. But it is the only way I know of to take care of yourself and your baby.

I suggest that you find a way to be independent of him. Can you live with family or a friend? I also suggest that you get help. If you're getting state assistance you will still get that assistance when you live somewhere else. You may get more, even. If you're not getting state assistance I urge you to make an appointment and start the process of living independently from him. Being under 21 is OK. What counts towards getting assistance is that you're pregnant.

He's an alcoholic and he won't change without a very serious incentive to change. And even if he wants to change he'll need help to do so. He can get help from Alcoholics Anonymous.

You can get help thru Al-anon.

If he abuses you, verbally or physically, which is common from someone who won't stay away from bars, then you can also get help from a Domestic Violence group or shelter.

I urge you to focus on taking care of you and your baby. Your husband is focused on getting alcohol and is not supporting you in this pregnancy. You need both emotional and physical support and if you won't get it for yourself get it for your baby. Both of you deserve to have a stable and peaceful life along with support from others.

OK, is he at the bar because he can not stand to be away from alcohol or his friends? Given your age, it suggests that he is still very young. I would talk with an adult that he is close to and ask them to talk to him about what it means to take on this responsibility. You also need to have a conversation about what it means, and if he wants to stay in the marriage what he will need to do. My husband is a great guy but with our first child he was still in school and then got a part time job and didn't know how to quit it, etc. In the end he figured it out and we are in a better place but they sometimes it takes a while to realize that they need to grow up and take responsibility. As the Mothers, we do not have a choice(unless we leave our kids with our parents), and it is more difficult when they do not grow up.

If he is unable to step up to your requests(especially if he says he wants to but is unable to), then you need to get out of the relationship- even if it is temporary. He needs to start to respect you and your requests.

HI K.,
I think for some men the bar is a stress outlet where they relax and socialize, I know my father was this way growing up and it would drive my mom crazy! Think of it as the equivalent to a trip to the mall with girlfriends...for men(lol)
My husband and I have devised a way to allow him to do his preferred activities while also fulfilling my desires for him to spend more quality time with me. Three nights a week he is given the night to do as he chooses(in hi case it's time on the computer,yours would be go to the bar). The other nights we spend time together whether it's watch tv, doing chores, or just catching up.
Having a set schedule, as annoying as it may sound allows men their freedom but lets you know that the next day is your day at the same time. I also recommend you make your time preferred by cooking your husband a delicious dinner some nights, offer him a beer at home while you watch tv(bought by him of course!), or take a relaxing walk and talk about your upcoming arrival.
Make yourself less of a nagging wife and more of an accepting and spoiling wife and your husband will naturally desire to come home more and spend less time in the bar;-)
Good luck! M.

First, take care of yourself. Getting upset about this doesn't help you or your baby or husband. At the same time, of course it's upsetting!!!! I'm wondering if the bar thing is new since you became pregnant. Marriage and a baby are two huge steps in a person's life and you are young and likely your husband is as well. It's all great stuff, but it can be very stressful too, even in the best of relationships. I think it's important to discover what's really going on underneath - what's going on for him that's putting him in bars. People indulge in a lot of things - work, food, even exercise - to 'numb' what's going on in their emotional worlds. Often it's below the radar where we aren't really aware of underlying stress until we look closely.

One post mentioned begging and pleading don't work. And they don't. And it's very draining to do that. It will help if he can determine his need to go to a bar. DO take care of yourself. That's the very first thing for you to do. - And seek counseling if you think it would have someone to talk with. Good luck K..

Get yourself to Alanon. Good luck!

You can't change his behavior. You only have control over yourself and your actions. Go to an al-anon meeting.

If your husband is an alcoholic then you are not going to convince him to stay at home with you by badgering and complaining . Alcoholism is a disease and he truly CAN"T stay away from that bar!!! Find an Al-anon meeting in your area and start going to their meetings. You will meet other men and women who are dealing with the same thing that you are dealing with and you will learn valuable lessons about what does and does not work in dealing with this situation.
Do you have family nearby who are emotionally supportive for you? You need someone that you can rely on to be there for you as your pregnancy advances and your hormones go into overdrive!!
We do not know, from the little information that we have from you what the overall situation is in your married life. Only you can make the decision as to whether this is a relationship that is worth the effort that it takes to work on a problem with alcoholism. Is your husband a man that will be a good husband and father to you and to your child? Is he the man that will be a role model for your children, so that they grow up knowing how to treat you and other women in their lives? This is not an issue that just effects him, it effect you, your children and everyone who loves and cares about you. Don't stay with the idea that you are going to "change " him....it may not happen.

Is it a bar like a sports bar (Cheers), where he's hanging out with the guys? Or is it more of a bada BIng or Hooters and your concern is the "partying" atmosphere? Unclear.