Husband "Babysitting"

HI
He needs to know that it is not "babysitting", its PARENTING. He is just as resposible for that as you are
GOod luck

*here's a great article on "absent Fathers" which I just read on CNN:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/05/06/martin.fathers/ind...

*Adding This:
HE IS A DAD. HE IS A "PART" of the Family... he does NOT have the right to say "no." HIS job, is to be a "father"....AND a HUSBAND. You have a sick parent for crying out loud... caretaking for an ill parent (I know, my Dad was ill before he died), is a lot of work. Just because you are a SAHM...does NOT give him ANY right to deny you BASIC caring and needs. He is SELFISH. Sorry. Immature too. Sorry.
SHOW him your posting... SHOW him the responses.
BY the way, My Hubby works hard full-time AND goes to school AND I am a SAHM... AND he is a real Manly man w/traditional values... BUT, HE CONCEDES to being a DAD/Husband and "family life" is real important to him.
Your Husband.... sorry, but he is flaking out on his role.

**HE should ALSO be paying respects to your ill parent... and going there WITH you, once in awhile... even with your son... and just being RESPECTFUL for crying out loud.

**IF YOUR HUBBY WON'T 'BABY-SIT' THEN HAVE HIM PAY FOR ONE, whenever you go to see your ill parent...tell him, it's HIS choice.

**He is creating a REAL bad image for your son... on what a 'parent' is. One day, a child catches on to this and will either resent the parent, or not like them, or be angry toward them, or really be sympathetic to the deprived parent.... ie: you.

**ASK YOUR HUSBAND... what kind of "man" is he????
What kind of "Dad" is he? HOW does he "rate" himself on a scale of 1-10???? If he continues to "ignore" his son... well, that is "neglect." And if he continues to "ignore" your needs and family life... well, he can't expect YOU to be his "everything." "Family" is not a choice... it is a PRIVILEGE.

You asked a GOOD question.
ALL Moms, working or not, NEED a break. Its just human need.

My Husband, watches the kids when he can, or if I ask and he is not 'busy.' On the weekend, its his "job" to take my daughter to her dance class... while I am at home with my son. Or, sometimes he takes both of our kids with him, then after my daughter's dance class, they go bopping around town. So this takes about maybe 1.5-2 hours by the time they come home. So, that leaves me, to do whatever I want and have a "break." Which I actually spend cleaning the house and making the grocery list, and catching up with the piles of paper on my desk. But, at least, I don't have the kids directly underfoot... during that time. Once in awhile, I will just do NOTHING when they are gone, and I will actually NAP myself!

- My Hubby works full-time AND goes to school... so he is often working from home and studying everyday and on the weekends... BUT, he makes time for the kids. Just his time with them, or we go as a family. He will also sometimes do the grocery shopping (because that is my least favorite chore), and he takes at least 1 of the kids with him, if they are not napping.
-he also makes time during the night, to "play" with them after he gets home from work, or at least before they go to bed at night.
- once in awhile, he will also take my daughter hiking with him and his buddies on the weekend.

Mind you, my Hubby ALSO goes out after work, about twice a month... with his friends/co-workers. It's fine. But, he tells me first and will say "how are you doing today? Going crazy getting grumpy or are you fine?" If I am having a frazzled crazy/grumpy/tired day with the kids... then he will make it just a quick outing, rather than a 2-3 hour outing with his buddies. And he can tell by my tone of voice... what "mood" I am in.

Also, though.. there are times he is not in the "mood" to be 'helping.' That's fine... because OVERALL, he participates. BUT, (as he told me), I have to ASK and TELL him whenever I would like help with the kids... because as he says "I can't read your mind... just tell me, because I rather have that, than have you get all 'bitchy' about it later..." LOL (men).
Okay, so fine... that's fair and that's what I do. I TELL him what I need/want/need help with.
Mind you... it's not always peachy... and it took time for US.... to have a routine about it.

Mind you, I do not ask much of him... because i Know he is busy with work and school. BUT, there are just certain BASICS about "family life" and participating in it, that is essential. There are times when, I am like a 'single-parent' doing everything, because he is so tied-up with work/school/his own projects... and he goes hiking every weekend. But AROUND that... we have both agreed, that we will TELL the other person, our plans, when we need help or are busy, and that we will not "expect" the other to read our minds. Who wants to play guessing games and just hint around at it and pining away for 'help?'

Men... you NEED to tell them, literally, that you want help, or have them babysit. Or, they don't think about it.
My Husband, can always tell by the tone of my voice, when I am getting over the edge. Then he comes trotting along, even if just grudgingly. And at other times, I literally have to call him out of his 'cave' and say "I NEED HELP...please come, now."

Then again, when I am just so tired... I tell him "I"m totally tired today....I'm not doing any cleaning or anything.... so head's up." Or I will tell him point blank "I NEED a break... will you take the kids to the park later, or SOMETHING?"

For me, when I run my errands on the weekend.. I do this ALONE. My Hubby knows that. Its our routine. He KNOWS this is MY time, a-l-o-n-e. Then, I leave the kids at home with him... and tell him about how long I will be.
But when I return, I ALWAYS tell him "thanks..." because men NEED incentives too, and to know that WE their 'wives" recognize their "help."

The thing is: (1) ask Hubby if you need help. (2) sit down together and talk about it (3) it is your 'right' to have a break (4) tell him HE needs to baby-sit too....after all, it is HIS child too, right? (5) tell him you are tired and frazzled and NEED to rest... and not 'do' anything...it is for your sanity AND health to do so (6) tell him "I'm sure you want a healthy/happy wife... babysitting would be a BIG help... (7) TELL him you want to do your errands BY YOURSELF... nothing is 'wrong' with that (8) tell him, it has to be fair... EVERYONE NEEDS "down-time."

ALL Moms, are a "Mom" 24/7..... working or not, yes!
Tell your Hubby....it is his 'responsibility" to be a PART of his child's life, AND to be a PART of the household.... it is not only YOUR responsibility.
For me, I also have a "Daddy Do-List." And on it... I write down anything my Hubby needs to do. And I keep it in one place where he can check it. And for him, it helps because otherwise he literally does not remember EVERYTHING that has to be taken care of. BUT... you have to make it a habit and a routine.

Bottom line: you have to ASK for a 'break" (I don't mean asking 'permission') but saying plainly something like "I'm taking a break, I want to read my book. I'm going on the patio to read, so please watch our son. I'll take about 1 hour." Or, "Tomorrow, I have plans, at 10:30am, I'm going out... so you'll need to watch our son...." And if he balks... just say nicely "I'm trying to be fair... I need a break, and letting you know ahead of time...."

The thing is, Moms do not get "vacation" time or sick leave or any breaks. So, you have to create your own. SAHM or not.

All the best,
Susan

Sue,

I have two full-times jobs...#1 I am a Mommy first, and #2 I work full-time as a Project Manager...my job as Mommy is 24/7 no matter if I am at work or at home with my son and making dinner for the two of us.

BUT, there are times when I NEED to take a deep breath and just relax for a bit...this is OKAY and usually I do this on days my son is with his father (single Mom) or I ask my Mom to take care of my son while I take a shower or get a hair cut.

Being a Mommy is amazing, but when your day feels like nothing is going right, you just need some time to breath and recoop. I don't understand your husband saying 'no' to the questions Susan posed. Is he not a part of your child's life and helping raise him? I think that regardless of whether you are a SAHM or not, you deserve a moment to get your nails done or just go run an errand by yourself.

I agree with the last poster, he's not a Babysitter...HE'S A FATHER. You need some YOU time and that is not unusual...I'm sorry but, this idea of your job being raising a child and you not needing a break is making me angry.

Sue,
I think I am confused....you have a wonderful Husband who you are still together with, but you've moved out? And he won't "babysit" (by the way I don't believe that is the correct term for the time a parent spends with their own children) for you to spend time with an ill parent? You not only NEED time to visit with your Family but you also NEED some time to yourself to relax. I get one break a week, as does my Husband, to have time with friends or just time to ourselves. We also make time to have a date night once a month. It has helped us be better parents and better partners. I hope you get the time you deserve soon!
Good Luck!

Hi Sue,

You wanted to know how many moms get a break? Well, probably many more than you or your husband think. I'm a stay at home mom as well, my son is 15 months old and we don't have any family around us. When my husband comes home from work, he loves taking over by playing and attending to our son. Meanwhile I usually prepare dinner or wash dishes after dinner. During weekends, it is my husband who pushes me to go out meet a friend for coffee or go to the gym or just relax. This gives him time to play and bond with the baby. He's enjoying it so much.
As for your husband, I don't think you'll be able to change his mentality (maybe some marriage counseling would help) but I think you have to present him with no choices: just leave your son in the house with him and inform him (as you're almost out the door) you're running to the market to grab something. Make a habit of it until he gets more comfortable. Give him a chance to be able to assist with your son and around the house.

Let us know how it goes :-)

My husband takes care of my son every Thursday night (thursday night is mom's night off) and usually if he doesn't work he takes him to the park or on some outing on Saturday mornings so that I can relax and get some cleaning done around the house.

At our house we don't call it babysitting it is call Daddy time which I think is very important for children and their father's to bond. Maybe you could talk to your husband about having a special day with your son at least every other week. My son is only 20 months old but here are a few things that they do together: go to the park, throwing the ball for the dog, my son has plastic tools that they build things with, garage saling, hiking, and just running errands.

Good Luck, Let your husband know that it is his job to be a father which means spending time with your son.

Tina

Sue,
My husband was resistant to alone time with our daughter also in part to that feeling of ineptness you mentioned-- what helped was ...
1) I told/asked him at first to just spend 5 minutes with her to get her up in the morning and change her diaper, mentioning that her "face-time" with him was important to their relationship. That gave him something productive to do with her and built his confidence without making him late for work.
2) Then we built up to longer periods of time on weekends or evenings when he wasn't working. It was hard for him to take control with me at home (b/c she would cling to me) so it actually helped him for me to leave the house. He learned that he CAN take care of a little one! He was afraid the first time I left him alone with her, so that was a quick errand, but now he does great.
3) Also, I have to bite my tongue sometimes when he does something differently than I would or than I would like it done. (I make no assumptions of you here, and you did not mention it, but food for thought...) If you correct the way he does things too often, he'll give up--He won't want to take initiative if he feels over-critiqued. In our case, we discuss and agree on the big things and values we want to instill as a parenting team, but I let him do things his way, even if it means the clothes are mismatchd or she eats ice cream before dinner every once in a while.

You DESERVE and NEED that time on your own, so don't feel guilty to take care of yourself first every once in a while. All the best, K.

Oh yes, if your husband is a "quality" care giver (some are not) do leave your son with him. Even if it is just to go to the grocery store for 30 minutes or even a movie. You need time to relax and do things for yourself or eventually you may start to resent never having any time for yourself. If he doesn't feel comfortable watching your son find someone who will watch him... grandma, sister, friend, neighbor. I am a single mom and I find that it is so very important to find time to do things by myself to keep my sanity and sense of self. Being a mom is an exhausting wonderful job however we all need a break!

I am SO sorry for you. I'm sure he's a great guy and all, but he sounds like a loser when it comes to being a DAD. My mother in law once said to my husband "you help make them, you help take care of them. period". And my husband gets that. Just last night, for example, he stayed home with our daughter for 3 hours so I could do my once a month volunteer work. He's figured out that it doesn't have to be a "task" to "babysit", spending time with your kids can be FUN! When I got home last night, my daughter was SO happy. She said that her and daddy had a "picnic" for dinner. All he did was put a towel on the floor and they ate sitting on the floor and just that was like the best thing ever to her! And it made my husband really happy to see her happy because of an idea HE came up with. It was something easy (it really didn't take much effort on his part! lol), and FUN for BOTH of them. You need to tell your husband that the one on one time he spends with his child is going to determine what kind of person he becomes later one in life. It's not even really just about you having time to yourself (although, that is also SUPER important), but its mostly about him getting to know his own kid and to make his son feel like he MATTERS enough to his daddy for him to do some special activities, just for him - and again, like I said - it doesn't take much to make them all excited at 2 yrs old (like the whole "picnic" thing...). Good luck to you. I hope your husband wakes up one day and realized how much he's missing out on. I just hope that your son isn't like 15 by the time he GETS IT.....

Hmmm.
Just as an FYI, when it's your own child - it's not babysitting.
I'd say, just take the keys and casually say "I'm just gonna go get some milk, I'll be right back" and then go, and be out for a while. Then make it more often, and add other things that you need to do.
What is he gonna do, run after you?
He needs to take responsibility too, even though he works outside of the home doesn't mean he gets to sit at home and "relax" just cause he put in his 8 hours. What about you?
No, you need to take care of this now - or he'll think that you are ok with it.
Gee, 2 years and not one break?
I'm sorry, but that really infuriates me.

Best of luck.