Husband Attitude Common?

Um...yeah...it's typical. I think a lot of women spend a lot of their llives wondering what, exactly, is going on in a man's head. In reality (here's the answer!) Zippo, Nada, Zilch, Tumbleweeds.
I believe more women need to be direct in what they want, need, expect and deserve.
For example, you could/should have said: "Jane, Mary & I are going out on Feb 8th. to have fun before the babies get here. You'll need to be here to watch Suzy, get her fed, bathed and put to bed by 8:00."
IME, this type of direct communication (think: cover all bases, and think FOR him if needed) results in getting what you want, need, expect and deserve!

Your husband doesn't want to do any work or have any responsibility and this is unacceptable! I am wondering what kind of health issues he has. Is it serious? Does it prevent him from helping you out? Is he healthy right now? If so, he must help you! I can't believe he doesn't understand that you want a girls weekend getaway before your baby comes! Tell him it has NOTHING to do with not being able to drink and EVERYTHING to do with relaxing WITHOUT CHILDREN! How does he not realize that? Or does he and is just playing dumb?

For the very reason you are in, I am constantly telling my 7 y/o boy that he MUST help his future wife with EVERYTHING! I think it is our jobs as mothers to train our sons to be awesome husbands one day. I always tell my son that it doesn't matter if his future wife works or stays home w/ the kids - he must help her with everything!

Anyway, I suggest marriage counseling. He needs to shape up - if not, ship him out!

I think you should Google the 5 love languages. It's a theory that people have different ways of giving and recognizing love. For example, to my husband, he would say that he would know that I love him by buying him something extravagant, or getting all dolled up just for him, or being overtly flirty and sexually aggressive. When he shows that he loves me by doing those sorts of thing for me, I don't like it. It seems so superficial and calculated and insincere and temporary. Anyone can arrange a nice date, love for me is clean laundry ;P.For me, I feel that I am loved when my husband does things for me - warms up my car, makes me a cup of tea, lets me sleep in, cleans the house, cooks a meal, etc. He doesn't equate those things with love though - he's just doing what he feels like doing. So when I do those things for him, day in and day out, though the years, as a symbol of love, he doesn't see it.

The languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I think these may help you because I am hearing from you the sentiment that "if he loved me then he would..." and that may not be true in your relationship. Maybe he shows you that he loves you in other ways that you don't recognize or value. And you probably show love through acts of service (I think most moms do!) and you may be feeling that by not showing gratitude for all that you do, he is rejecting the "proof" of how much you love him. If you're anything like me, you probably keep score and think "can't you see how much better I am than you at being a spouse? Look at all that I do for you..." even if you don't come right out and say it.

Anyway...if you look into the 5 love languages, you may be able to identify what yours are, what your spouses are, and then hopefully you'll get a better idea of how to get him to speak your language, and how you can learn to speak whatever his is.

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It is called "Arrested Development."
A real malady, that MANY "Men" have.

It is also called cop-out.
It is also called "Lazy Husband."
It is also called Myopic Husband
It is also called Selfish Squatter Husband and Dad
It is also called Dad who won't spend time with his own kid unless forced to or unless "Wifey" is bitchy and PMS'ing.
It is also called "Husband who still acts like he needs a Mommy to take care of everything for him.
It is also called Thick Headed Husband
It is also called COMMON Man who has not transcended single-hood and does not realize he is Married and has a child and therefore HAS responsibilities. To his family.
It is also called Husband who does not realize, he lives IN a family. Nor is an island unto himself.
It is also called Husband who feigns denseness, but is not, dense.
It is also called Husband who gets SO Dizzy just watching his Wife do EVERYTHING that he cannot even get his brain in gear to even think straight.
It is also called Husband who thinks he is a "Man" of men.
It is also called Man.

But well, these 'Men'... got married. How? I don't know. AND we married them. IF that is the kind of Husband a woman has.
Lots of men, yes, have this "Problem."

i'm a little surprised at how many folks are really angry with your husband over this. it seems to me as if he is an excellent fellow who just has a different perspective from yours and that there are communications differences.
he's willing to watch his daughter and doesn't seem to be shirty about taking on his paternal responsibilities, he's just used to you doing most of it. he wouldn't be used to it if that weren't how it generally plays out. there's really no fault in this on either side. you would like him to take more initiative, he's taken aback because you have unvoiced expectations and he'd prefer that you just tell him.
it's a very classic dilemma.
for starters, you can either get used to communicating directly or you can set up a schedule so that he knows when he's doing primary parent duty. either way he doesn't need to intuit things that may come naturally to you but don't to him. if you expect him to just figure out what your expectations are, the poor guy will never be able to do it and you will be forever frustrated. make it easy on both of you. tell him 'every wednesday afternoon and friday evening are mine. plan to take the kids.' or 'i'm going out with girlfriends next weekend, women only. you take the kids.'
i'm sure he's not thinking 'gah! i don't want time alone with my daughter! why is she doing this to me?' (some men would. but yours doesn't sound like that type.) but if his man-brain is used to you doing all the child-care arrangements, it's not that untoward for him to leave that aspect of planning to you.
arguing and wanting to be right instead of listening and validating is trickier territory. the time to work through this is not when you're irritated by his thickheadedness. is it possible that you approached him antagonistically and that's what set off his 'fight' radar? when you're both calm and reasonable, explain to him about your need to express yourself and for him to listen without judgment or setting off the 'i will fix this!' meme so many men fall into. if he understands that you're not attacking he probably won't get defensive.
i'll bet this is a relatively easy fix. overall you sound like a cool family and a really great couple.
khairete
S.

Your husband doesn't want to do any work or have any responsibility and this is unacceptable! I am wondering what kind of health issues he has. Is it serious? Does it prevent him from helping you out? Is he healthy right now? If so, he must help you! I can't believe he doesn't understand that you want a girls weekend getaway before your baby comes! Tell him it has NOTHING to do with not being able to drink and EVERYTHING

For the very reason you are in, I am constantly telling my 7 y/o boy that he MUST help his future wife with EVERYTHING! I think it is our jobs as mothers to train our sons to be awesome husbands one day. I always tell my son that it doesn't matter if his future wife works or stays home w/ the kids - he must help her with everything!

Anyway, I suggest marriage counseling

I'm guessing your husband, like LOTS of other men, just don't "think" about it the way we do. I love my husband dearly, but I look at back at the years when my girls were little (they're 26 months apart) and cringe just a bit. While my husband was never "thoughtless" he certainly didn't think they way I wanted him to. I remember watching him just walk out the back door to mow the lawn, or jump in the shower, or hop in his car on a Saturday morning to run up to the Home Depot real quick to get something. All of this without ever saying a word to me about who was going to watch the crawling baby and the toddler. Why did he do this? Because I was the one with the ALL of the time. It was assumed. I kept wondering when it was going to be MY turn to just walk out the door, maybe do a little gardening or go for a run?!?! Now my girls are 9 and 7, and every Saturday morning I get up and head outside for my run. My husband usually knows where I'm going, but I don't have to say "Can you watch the baby?" MY turn has finally come. Yours will too. Husbands just don't think :)

I agree with Suz T

My husband was surprized a few times when I went to leave the house without the kids on the weekend while he was home. But then he admitted he felt foolish for thinking that I would take them with me.

I would try switching the schedule up a bit. Either have him pick up things on his way home from work. Chances are he drives past a food store so it should not be a big hassle. Also sounds like you might need to get out of the house a bit more on the weekend. --Even if it is to vacuum out the car or drive it though a car wash. He will get those 30 mins with the child and you will have 30 mins of you time.

This may be a repeat of others but one thing that might help is giving him a little more notice - as much as possible! My husband is very similar. The minute I know I am going to be doing something without my 2 yo, I tell him. Actually, I ASK him. It's not really a question but don't we all prefer to be asked vs. being told to do something?! I do remind him just beforehand to make sure he remembers (b/c he rarely does) but the time to plan and let it sink in helps him. I have discovered that it isn't so much that he doesn't want to watch our son but rather that he doesn't really know what to do with him. Neither of us had "hands on" parents so it's a struggle for us. I often suggest outings or come up with a couple of easy errands they can do (go to Lowe's and pick up light bulbs kind of things). That way, our son doesn't get stir crazy and, in turn, drive my husband crazy and the hubby feels productive! One last thing, you need to have a real discussion (not argument) with your husband about his role once the new baby comes. He is going to have to take on more with your daughter or you will be exhausted trying to do it all!

I"m sorry there's this imbalance in your home!

I'm not going to bash him here. I do want to make a concrete and positive suggestion instead: If he does indeed do his "assigned chores" as you said, maybe it's time for more assignments! Try a family schedule/calendar that is reviewed by you both and prominently posted, and gives him more he has to do. I hope that doesn't sound too basic or childlike, but I know a lot of families, adults as well as the kids, who live by their weekly calendars. Everyone fills iin what they're doing and they sit down together and everyone knows well in advance things like, "I have my exercise class next Saturday and will leave the house at 8:45, so you have Susie on your own from 8:45 until I come home at 11:00." This means he cannot be surprised when you remind him on Friday night before about a class the next day, because you can legitimately say, "It's on the calendar and we discussed it a week ago and again three days ago," etc. Your daugher's activities should all be on there and that allows you to say, "You know, she has music class on Saturday afternoon and you've never been with us -- why don't you come this week with us both and next week you can take her while I..." He may just find he LIKES to spend time with her.

And oh yeah, once the new baby comes, there will be gobs more stuff for everyone to do and he will have to deal with your older child more-- and you need to ask him clearly to do so, not let him think you'll just work two kids into everything you do. So you can use the new baby as a reason to say, "Let's get a weekly calendar going and reassess who is doing what--BEFORE the baby comes."

If it's done with good humor, with reciprocation, and with clarity -- he needs a copy of it at work on his desk! -- it may work. I wouldn't approach it as "you need to be more grateful" right now (though yes, he truly does), but as "let's all get more organized."

And be sure that, since you're a multi-tasker, that he doesn't inadvertently or purposefully take advantage of that. He has gotten used to the fact that you will just handle things, so he doesn't handle them, including your child. He needs to lose that assumption FAST before the baby comes, and you can help him do that by....not handling some things and being clear they're his responsibilities. Again, I'm not saying to get him worked up with accusations and tears, but be businesslike. I know that this approach absolutely does not fulfill your desire for some real understanding and affectionate gratitude, and I'm sorry for that. But in the meantime, until he might agree to some counseling or just realize how much you do, it might buy you some time off.

Try moving a mountain one teaspoon at a time-then you'll have your answer.

I hate saying this but have found it to be true with many couples - it is best to never expect/hope/dream that the husband will think of helping on his own. Many husbands/fathers need to be told what to do and have a hard time looking at things from your perspective. Ever since I accepted this, and started clearly saying what I need, I have been much more relaxed! In many cases it's not that they are against us - it just doesn't occur to them to help (or what kind of help we really need).