Husband and His Mama

Oh how he is approaching this all wrong!

So, open the conversation and tell him nicely how you feel and what impressions you are getting. Does he not feel confident in you? Does he always ask his mother everything and take all her advice? Does he feel confident in researching tehse things himself?

Let him know that it really isn't a good idea for him to tell you that his "mother thinks this or that is a good idea." Makes him out to be the boy who can't think and speak for himself. Even if she does offer a suggestion to him, he should research it first. If it still sounds reasonable, he could say something like this: "I noticed little Susie doing ___. This book and this website I was reading said that kids normally start to do this at this stage. Do you think we should start that now or is there a reason not to. If he wants to be involved in those things, which is good, he should or you could get him a good childhood development book and a website for spontaneous medical questions so he is coming from a somewhat, educated place.

Good luck. he probably isn't confident of his own opinion or lack of research so he thinks it puts more weight to back it with "Mom said." Let him know that doesn't give it weight, it gives y ou frustration that he doesn't approach it as an independant adult.

My daughter consults me often but she learned not to tell her husband my comments. She invites him to research it, ask his father or mentors. He doesn't like to ask others as he thinks he should know so he just guesses and tries to sound confident. She lost respect for him doing that so she's leading him another direction and she's learned to leave my name out of it. I also underscore to her how she could have found that information herself. I won't be here forever and I'm a good reader, researcher.

Hi Amy, I've read all the other posts, all very similar, and someone here has to be the devil's advocate, so here goes. We have 2 daughters, 8 and 17, and my husband drove me crazy in the same way with advice from his mother. As new mothers we are very sensitive and possessive, but our babies don't belong to us alone. It took me a long time to realize that the love and admiration he has for his mother is a good thing. He was raised well and wanted to bring her wisdom to our own girls who he loves so much. I went to my own mother constantly for advice, why was it so hard to take advice from his side? Why did I want to discount advice he gleaned from his mother? Please don't let this be a point of contention in your marriage. In the long run, it takes nothing from you to give an aging woman the joy of feeling she has contributed to your little one's development. You know in your heart how she learned "moo," and when she's graduating from HS, as mine is, it really won't matter, but having an intact family bonded by the love of a daughter will.

when he makes a comment like that again say:
would you like to share the bed with your mom since the cord hasn't been cut yet?

No real advice here - you're not alone - just to say that my husbands grandmother constantly talks about how our kids are just like my husband or my MIL (whom I love). Granted, they do look exactly like my husband but hey, I'm their momma! Usually when she goes on too much I'll say soemthing like, "Amazing that I carried them for 9 months but they didn't get anything else from me." I try to make lite of it but after a while it does get old. Hope you are able to find a solution.

Dear Ami,

I understand how you feel it is the same in everyone's family.
You should just take it your mother in law is more experienced and so take her advise in fact even before it comes from your husband you ask her for her advise then you would be satisfying her ego as well as your husbands' therefore peace at home and mind.
All the very best.

P.

Updated

Dear Ami,

I understand how you feel it is the same in everyone's family.
You should just take it your mother in law is more experienced and so take her advise in fact even before it comes from your husband you ask her for her advise then you would be satisfying her ego as well as your husbands' therefore peace at home and mind.
All the very best.

P.

Hello Amy,
I've been with men like that. They never truly give their hearts to their significant other while mom is alive. Learn to live with it, go to therapy, or fight it. Truth at the end of the day is YOU are your child's mom and she will know this in the long run.
One thing you can do is mirror his comments, like, "Oh your mom does Moo, too? Nice to see we're on the same page, just think of all the things she'll learn when two people are teaching the same things, our lucky daughter."
You'll never come between the momma and her boy.
Hey, hopefully your next child will be a boy, then you'll know!
Good luck,
Wendy

Ask him why he does this. Why is he trying to diminish your accomplishments as her MOTHER? And he can tell you what she THINKS all day long - doesn't mean you have to follow her "advice."

I'm not real clear on how much influence the mom has, and how much is just a dad looking for his DNA in his offspring, which everyone does. He helped make her, he's proud. You can encourage him to think in terms of you and the baby being his "family" now, not his mom and dad. A young mom naturally turns to her own mother (if she's available) for parenting advice. That's your right. Maybe his mom has been there for a sister. Maybe you could take that stance, or be willing to get the moms together now and then for lunch or something and talk feeding, teaching, and loving your baby. You can all share pictures and stories and "bond". If his mom tries to get too pushy, just say, "thank you for the advice" and smile.

Wow, you really married a mama's boy, didn't you? It's obvious that Hubby thinks his mom walks on water and maybe it's time you sit him down for a little one-on-one if you haven't already. Sounds like he wants to make Mommy proud of him with your daughter's accomplishments and is crediting it to her to make her extra proud?

Uh, so I guess I don't really have any constructive advice beyond sitting him down and if this bother's you that much, get in his face. If he's this bad now, imagine how he's gonna be when his mom passes away. Ugh! Good luck to you dear.

Why dont you talk to your husband not a bonch of strangers he is the one you want to change and it takes 2 i have been married61 years and raised 4 children did we have differnt ideas about things shure did we fight shure but we always kiss and make up at the end of the day you can do it also good luck A. no hills

I am sorry. Husbands and their moms are a funny thing. Just think that could be you one day and your future DIL will wonder the same thing!
I don't know why guys do this but they have a weird thing about their mother. Mom knows best... to bad it is not the childs actual mom, not the dads mommy!
No point really in arguing with him it will just cause you more frustration. You know what you are doing to help your child develop and so does she (well kind of) so I would say just let it go. Everyone will have an opinion about hair cuts and potty training, when they should stop sucking thumbs or drinking from a sippy, when to start school and too many sports, etc. but you are her mom and you raise your child your way. When hubby says 'mom says it is time for her to get a hair cut' say 'ok, i'll think about it' and get her hair cut when you feel she needs one or your want her to have one. No matter if later that day or 6 months away.
You can try to tell your husband how it makes you feel (non-confrontational...hee hee thats easier said then done right) when all your hard work seems to be brushed off and that may help him see how he is hurting you but he may not ever get it. Man think differently then we do. I always tell my girls boys are weird (that goes for their dad and brother too) because I don't get them at all! And they say women are impossible to figure out. Humpf!
Just keep up doing what you are doing, what a great mommy you are. Hope this helps :)

sit your husband down and tell him how his comments make you feel. Don't whine, just tell him how they make you feel minimized. Flat out ask him to show his appreciation of you and your mothering skills. You can't control what your husband does, but you can control how you handle it. In the future do your best to laugh off the remarks.

Try showing your post to your husband and let him know how it makes you feel. It sounds to me like he needs to wake up and realize what his behavior is doing to you. You need to tell him that you need to work things out on your own as a mother without constant advice and interference from his mother (passed through him). You also need to be allowed the credit for all of your own hard work raising your child. When he gives his mom the credit it makes you feel unappreciated and unnoticed. Ask how he'd like it if you credited someone else for all of your orgasms, even though it was him that gave them to you (put it in terms men understand) or ask if he'd like it if you credited someone else with supporting your family. His mother needs to stay out of it and he needs to recognize what you do and let you learn on your own without parroting his mother's advice. After all, doesn't he want you to be a strong and competent mother to your child? Well, there's no way to attain that state without the experience that comes from doing it and making your own mistakes.

Maybe a little bit of counseling wouldn't hurt either. It sounds like he's more oriented toward his mother as the nurturing female presence of the family and that's not right. He should have transfered that to you by now. He needs to come to realize that you three are an independent family unit now, of which YOU are the mother, not his mom. He has to relegate the old family unit to a secondary position and your new family unit to first place, that's part of the commitment that he made to you on the day you got married and he's not living up to it right now.

Best of luck in getting the apron strings cut!

It's ok for grandparents to be involved. It's not ok if he is outright putting you down, which it doesn't sound like he is.
I's ignore it completely. You know who is in control. After all, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world! ;-)

Head to counseling now; this will not get better and you will get more resentful. I am speaking from experience! If he won't go, go yourself!