Husband and 9 Year Old Driving Me Nuts!

Have you ever had your daughter see a therapist? I had similar experiences with my son at that same age (he is now 17). Is her father in the picture for her at all? How do she and your current husband get along? How long have the two of you been together? The reason why I ask is after my current husband and I got married (when my son was 9), my son started changing...his attitude did. Now (8 years later) my son has told me how angry he was I got married and how he felt he was being pushed aside since I had a new person in my life. My husband and I also have a 5 year old together and my older son has also told me how upsetting it was for him when I had another child. I never thought about how these two things could affect him so drastically, but they have and I feel so sad for not recognizing this earlier. I am so thankful my son can now express his feelings without holding back, but it didn't come easy...alot of therapy, unconditional love and honesty. Your daughter sounds like she has alot of deep seeded anger, and resentment. I don't know how you personally feel about seeing therapists, but if I hadn't with my son I don't think he would be alive today!

Welcome to the club! You get a membership card and everything!

I am having similar issues, except I'm the stepmom. Dad is too lenient, thinks his precious is NEVER wrong and I'm the big old meanie that makes her pick up her clothes from the floor.

I've taken to ignoring the eye rolling and the stomping off. I just consider it drama and it deserves no attention. If she can't talk in a respectful tone, suddenly I'm deaf! If she stomps off, well, I let her stomp off. I've decided mine does it for attention so I don't give it to her. It does help.

I'm learning to pick my battles and let her suffer the "natural consequences." Mine refused to put on a jacket and pants when I told her it was cold out, so I let her freeze. She wanted to borrow my hoodie I had left in the car and I told her no, she needed to LISTEN, and if she wasn't going to listen then she'd have to deal with the consequences. It wasn't like she froze to death, she was just chilly walking from the car to the restaurant and back again. I figure by letting her find her own way, she will learn the little lessons so she won't have to learn the BIG lessons later on.

Sounds like your daughter is perfectly "normal."

Oh, and I'm a big fan of extra housework as a consequence. I have let my stepdaughter know that she is IMPORTANT (which helps) and that we need her to do her JOBS (study, homework, chores) to help the family. When she doesn't do her jobs she is hurting the family because we have to take time out to do her jobs. She has to make it up by doing extra chores, usually I let her tell me how she's going to make it up. She's always way harder on herself than I would have been! But you know, she always feels so good when she's helped out, and I give her so much praise for helping the family that it always turns out good in the end!

Good luck! Here's your membership card!!! :)

For your child:
the book "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman.
Good tips, not derogatory and helpful.

For your Husband and you: Google search "Tween Development" and many GOOD articles will come up.
Your Daughter is a "Tween." Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
Research that and get the gist of age-related development per this age... and that will help a lot.

For your MIL nut-case: HE has to put you first... not his Mom. If that is the problem.

all the best,
Susan

Hmm. If "something is wrong with your phone" then she WON'T be able to call anyone with it anymore will she? ;-)
Crack down hard on the lying and the eye rolling. Those are disrespect, and you can't let that slide.
The impatience (standing up from the table) is rude, but I think it is more like an age related thing...life passes slowly for kids and it's hard for them to wait because they are bored and feel like they don't have control over their time. I would have a talk about that---about what she can say to let you know that she is ready to go, that isn't so rude as getting up.

About the stepparent issue...I am a step parent, and I can tell you a couple of things about that experience.
(1) Anyone who has not had children-- or not had them at a certain age-- will think they know how to handle a parenting situation---but until they actually are in the situation, they don't really know what they are talking about. It's like someone watching a football game and criticizing the coaches and athletes, even though they have never done it themselves.
(2) Kids act different with stepparents...my boys would react one way to my husband, and then if I said the exact same thing he did, they would react totally differently, because it came from ME!
It is hard to have the responsibility of a parent without the rights or emotional bonds of a parent.
So your husband, if he is supporting and living with a child who doesn't listen to him and isn't closely bonded to him...is in a tough position, and it can create some resentment. It could feel like a lot of taking and little giving from the child.
Try to be on the same side, instead of opposite sides---it will help with parenting and with the marriage.

I don't have a step family member situation, so I can't help in that regards, but I can help with the attitude problem and i don't think it is so much an age thing as it is a respect thing. We teach people how to treat us and I tend to let things slide with my kids and mine are only 4 & 5!! my daughter has acted the way your is and I tried all kinds of things, but since she was 4, i just couldn't let it continue or hope it would change. i totally altered her environment and our relationship all in one afternoon and it stayed that way for 3-4 months!! First i sat her down and told her that her disrespect was going to stop. i explained that i wasn't going to sit and try and figure out why she was being disrespectful, but what i was going to do was clean our slate and that meant life as we both knew it was ending and we were starting over. I explained that from this day forward my main goal was to teach her manners and respect. I cleaned out her room. I left her with a mattress, blanket, clothes for a week, and her sleeping partner, Belle. That was it. Everything else I packed up except for 5 toys she played with pretty regularly and those I put on a shelf. I went over manners with her and explained from now on, she had to ask politely to play with a toy and depending on her attitude for the day, she would get to, or not. I then made a list of her chores and put little pictures beside so she could remember what they were and i explained that I had allowed her to just get everything and this made her ungrateful and that from now on, she would know what it is to earn something. i explained that as she got thru a week and I could see we were making progress, then she would get to go "shopping" and she would earn a chance to pick a toy to keep in her room that she could play with without asking permission first. Well, let me tell you. We had fits and crying and I stuck to my guns. My daughter does not have that attitude any longer. I'm not gonna say it was easy, it wasn't, she felt like i would give in, but by month 3 she knew I was in it for the long haul and lots of progress occured during that last month. She knew her birthday was coming up and I had discussed with her that I would let her play with her gifts that day, but they would be confiscated until she earned them! Well, amazingly enough she got through one week, then two, then three ... I no longer had to nag her to pick up her dirty clothes or put her plate away or hang her back pack up. I made the mistake of treating her as though she was too young to do these things on her own accord and she met my expectation. I changed my expectations and she changed too. she is much happier, more self confident, more independant, and more loving and much more polite. She remembers that time very vividly as she will talk about it and while on vacation a large child say 2-3rd grade was throwing a very loud temper tantrum and my daughter leaned over to me an whispered, " she's too old for that Mom, i think she needs a clean slate!" I almost choked on my food, I was laughing so hard. So, not telling you what to do, but perhaps the step dad truly loves you all and his advice, as hard as it is to hear, maybe just from him having a bit of perspective. My husband is the one who told me to snap out of it and I guess that plus her attitude that day, just made me snap and see the truth in his words. I know what I did was drastic and I felt that a huge change would make the transition quicker as I didn't want to have to go through this process for months or years before I saw results, that was my choice. I decided that parenting isn't easy and I wanted to prepare her for the world and she just wasn't getting that the way I was doing it before. Once she got her things back, I used her items as currency. she broke rules, she paid a fine, just like we do in the real world. i have her go with me to donate her 'fines" to charity. This works good all around, cause charity gets some pretty nice things, they always pick toys that are cheap, or things they don't particularly care for, so I don't have to deal with huge piles of unused toys, and they learn quickly that their choices have consequences. i'm proud of both my kids and their manners and while they still are kids and get crazy sometimes, they truly are appreciative of things they get and spending time with us. So, simplify her life a bit and she'll fight you for awhile, but then she will respect you for standing up to her and letting her know that her Mom respects herself more than that and she will respect you too. Remember, you can't demand it, but you can command it!! Hope this helps you. Best of luck.

I think you've gotten some good answers here. For what it's worth, when I was nannying for a couple families with girls this age, I seriously thought I was going to run screaming into the street some days. I did finally tell them, when they just rolled their eyes, copped an attitude and said "WHAT-ever", that they were more or less telling me that what I had suggested was fine and if they had a more constructive comment, I'd listen.

I have found "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish to be one of the best books I've ever read on adult/child communication. It puts parents on track for effectively communicating expectations with their children and allows children to participate in these exchanges in a healthy way that lets them feel heard while still keeping everyone involved accountable for their actions. It's not a quick-fix, because you have a whole life of potentially conflicted moments ahead, but it really gives parents tools and in turn, helps parents help their children develop great and effective communication skills. I've also found it to be very, very accessible. Some areas offer workshops on this book, where parents can problem-solve with other parents and practice the techniques, and this is something that you and your husband can do together, which can help you get on the same page.

By the way, this book has also given me great tools to use with my own husband. And it changed how I felt about working with kids. (Oh, and the snotty tweens? Not at all snotty anymore--one babysits for us and is completely wonderful now.) Totally worth the price.

You two need to see a marriage counselor (this doesn't mean your marriage is on the rocks, it's just a way of getting neutral in your discussion so you can get on the same page) and take a parenting class together. It sounds like you're kind of winging it as opposed to having a plan of action in place. It is good to have a joint plan.

IMHO it doesn't matter if the behavior is normal for this age. It matters that the behavior is unacceptable and needs to change.

Good luck.

Hi Christine,

Welcome to raising daughters - esp. those entering tween-dom.
So, first, yes, it's normal, but it's not acceptable. Allowing it because it's 'normal' won't make life any easier for you as she enter her teens. I would agree with your husband that immediate action is necessary when she does something that she already knows is unacceptable. She is not 2 years old, she doesn't need to be warned that rolling her eyes, lie'ing or backtalk is unacceptable. A conversation now telling her that you and your husband have decided that any of these behaviors will result in immediate action. I will say, however, that I too had an overly strict step-father, so be sure to be the strong Mama and make sure the punishment fits the crime.

Second, I think you already know this;) but bringing up his mother's bad behavior during an argument isn't going to help your case any and will only make your husband more defensive. I understand your frustration and you're lashing out at that moment, but try to hold back and come at it from a more productive solution. I know that's easier said than done when emotions are running high.

Finally, I too was once a step-mom trying to help the child with his homework and received the impatient pencil taps, far away stares into oblivion...It's boring, yucky homework for heaven's sake and they have far more 'important' matters to attend to:) Don't expect to be appreciated for good parenting until your child is at least 20 years old:) These are the times when YOU may need to take a little time out (I like to go into the bathroom, splash some water on my face, play with my make-up, whatever will calm me for 5 minutes) and then come back and start over. Do let her knwo she has a choice - she can pay attention to you and focus and get it done in 15 minutes then do whatever is so much more important, or cop an attitude and sit there all night (at the kitchen/dining room table is the best place to do this rather than their room).

Good luck. Remember if you're consistent and firm with love, they will grow up to be exactly what you teach them even though it seems like they're not listening.

-S.

your hubby is just a different parenting style than you, i guarantee you he would do the same with is own kids!
I know that because my hubby does the same thing and its sooooo annoying!
im more like you, i give a warning, although i only give one warning and i count to three, then if i am not obeyed there is punishment. ranging from time out to groundings, scoldings to lectures. what have you.

this is TOTALLY normal behavior for a tween, your hubby doesnt know because he was never a 10 yr old girl. although boys can be pretty nasty too, i have an 8 yr old who is driving me crazy!!
heres the thing, you cant change other people (i know, its so not fair, right?) but you can look at how you yourself act, do you give others attitude when speaking or upset? do you spend enough quality time with your daughter one on one? do you ever tell a white lie?
the best thing to do in situations like this with our growing, learning and VERY observant children is to be an example!

love your husband! you married him for a reason! Love him despite his bad qualities!

Parenting with Love and Logic is one of the best books ever and one of the best ways to parent!

Let your husband try to be a father to your child in his own way and don't second guess him. If he's stepping to the plate in helping to raise your daughter why are you qualifying his work now? This should have been done before you married him, right? You also mention that he'd likely be more lenient with his own child. If you don't trust good judment from the man, exclude him from your dauther's life. I believe that most parents are too lenient with their children and then complaint when the see the consequences. Tell your children what you expect and they will most likely deliver; also explain the consequences if they don't. Discipline is as important as love when you're raising a child.
So, be more strict. Let your husband do his job and be thankful that he's man enough not only for his child but yours as well.
Best to you and yours!

My opinion only - this isn't typical behavior for a 9 - 10 yr old in my book and would not be tolerated. She is still a little girl, she is not 12 - 13 when I might expect to see some eye rolling and impatience on her part. She has likely picked up on this disrespectful behavior from friends who she sees getting away with it or listening to friends who talk a good story to sound soooo with it. I'd come down hard and heavy and let her know her leash has been yanked hard. No phone calls, no TV for a length of time, no sleep overs, no extra time with friends. She is being disrespectful, a smart aleck, fresh and learnering to push your buttons. It sounds as if she knows you do not know what to do except get frustrated and blow up. I think your husband is on the right track and if you are not one with him on parenting, this can prove to be a disaster for your marriage. His mother has nothing to do with your daughter. You sound as though you can be a push over when it comes to your daughter. If you don't know how to handle her present behavior, consider finding some parenting classes. You can't afford to let her get away with this lack of respect at such an early age. Would you let a pet male dog run around the house lifting his leg on furniture, bedding, clothing, etc showing he owns the place? Well your daughter is already doing this so what will you do? Get a backbone.

Your daughters behavior sounds just like 2 of my girls behavior. Some of it is just an age related issue. They are going to test boundries. What can they get away with. Let me tell you I have gone is circles a few times with my girls. The eye rolling is a big no-no in my house. Do you have a mouth? Do you know how to speak? If you have something to say use your words!!! I'm listening I can hear you but not if you are being rude and disrespectful. My husband is step-dad to my girls but we have been together since my oldest was 2. He is dad. He is less tolerable also but I don't mind playing middle man if I have to. He is super harsh sometimes but when I lose it they also see him on their side. The thing that we both learned is give them the same respect we want. This means not to yell and scream at them just do what we say. We give one warning then we carry out punishment. You want to stay up late then you better sit down and behave while we eat then we will leave. If you can't do that then you aren't old enough to stay up late. You can't follow my rules you aren't mature enough to go to that sleep over this weekend. Eye rolling, sighing or anything like that is attitude carry out the punishment.

Actually, your husband is right. Crack down now while you can. We did and our kids are much better for it. A friend of mine did not and has her hands full of bratt at the age of 17. Once they know what they can get away with they will continue to do it constantly. Draw the line in the sand and do not cross it!!! You won't regret it. My kids get the mommy is pissed look when they know they have done wrong. Then they immediately stop what they are doing because they know what will happen next.

A time out works well with most children try it better than all the other things you are doing and not waaorking she is old enough to now wahat buttons to push to anoy you you aare the adult act like one do not worry about your husband when you get a handle on your daughter thing willl be better good luck raised 4 and now have 7 grandchildren granchildren A. no hills

I think she's had enough warnings and she should lose priveleges for her behavior. If you get her under control now you will be really sorry when she's 16. Take it from a mom who knows. Your husband and you need to be strong and stick to your guns.
Good luck