Help My 11 Year Old Is Getting in Trouble in School.

Sounds like she is behaving like a typical So Cal tween. Why does she even have a cell phone to begin with? Does she pay for it? Maybe she needs to earn the things she wants. She is too young to have her own phone and to be texting a boy. If you really feel she needs a phone, get her a basic service with no texting and limit her minutes. A cell phone is a privledge not a right.

(Sorry for the bad spelling, I seem to have a tired brain tonight.)

Hi A.,

Your daughter's behavior is age-appropriate. You can try to force her into compliance with punishments and lectures, but that's not the best way to effect long-term change. Your daughter needs your understanding. Why is she acting out? What is going on for her? Rather than telling her why she shouldn't misbehave, try listening to her to find out why she is. There is a reason. Acting out is her way of communicating that something is wrong. If you can help her address whatever that is, you can help her find healthy, more appropriate ways of expressing herself and asking for help.

Here is a recent article I wrote that might be of help to you.
http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/10/6_The_Mi...

I also have a parenting workshop coming up in November that would be perfect for you.
http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Classes.html

If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Hello A.-
You should talk to her, find out why the change in attitude. Peer pressure is very strong at that age, and kids dont know to distinuish between being popular/ likes because they are good/smart fun kids and being popular because of being the bad attitude kids. We need to teach them the right behavior and waht is expected. But also be understanding that she will be going through alot of changes and friends but she needs to stay true to herself and be respectful. I was a talker at school, from 1st to 12th grade, EVERY REPORT CARD said I talked to much, but I was not disrespectful. Both of you will learn alot about life and growing up in the next 7 years... be patient and talk with her... and yes sometimes things may get taken away, and she needs to know in advance the consequenses, both good and bad, for the behavior she chooses... the BEST OF LUCK!!!

I'm going through this too...same age daughter/same grade...I could have written your request...
Keep being consistant with your expectations and the consequences for your daughter's actions. It's easy to not follow through with a punishment (or a responsibility) just because we are all busy and there is too much going on with our lives. 11 year olds should be given a small degree of privacy...such as talking on the phone in the next room. We don't need to listen to the entire conversation, but I think walking by every couple of minutes just so we know who they are talking to and what the conversation about is NOT an invasion of privacy. They are 11 and still children who need supervision. Some of us don't use house phones any more, we just use our cell phones. For a lot of people, this makes sense. However, I don't think an 11 year old should have her own personal cell phone that she carries around with her. You could let her ask you when she needs to use the phone to call a friend that you find acceptable. Otherwise, you should keep the phone with you to answer it when it rings and to access the voice and text messages. As the person who pays the bill, you can change the password at any time.
Does your daughter have a hobby or club that she gets to do outside of school? A sport, music class, dance class, Girl Scouts...something that is imporatant to her that makes her feel special? If not, this might be something to look into. A once or twice a week activity, with her understanding that this is a privilege that she get to enjoy in return for her acceptable behavior. Being rude (eye rolling, misbehaving in school, etc.) is not acceptable behavior.
I remember being this age. Puberty, bullies at school, the increased middle school work load, etc. It's tough.
As parents, we need to do our best to consistantly enforce the rules,pay close attention to what is going on, and do our best to keep our cool (try not to yell).

Normal behaviour? NOT! I have 2 girls, 13 and 10 - never have they or will they behave that way. Being disrespectful is unacceptable. A bad attitude, well that is everyone right to have their own opinion, but it is unacceptable to push one's bad attitude on others.

So about the rolling her eyes and the disrespect. It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. You state in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say?" (Give her the opportunity to calm down and formulate her thoughts)

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on her part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright? Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier.

Some might argue for negotiation skills...seizing the opportunity, but you know what, there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

As for the attitude, it is a reflection of what is going on inside. Talk to her. Remind her that she gets to choose her attitude. She gets to choose her mood. She is in control. If she chooses to be miserable and have a bad attitude, then let her know that is unacceptable behaviour with the family and remind her of what behaviour you want. If you don't teach her...yes daily...she will remain challenged.

And if you think she doesn't need to be reminded daily, just take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. We all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

11 years old? Boys texting, eye rolling, the blank stare... I'd begin home schooling her starting tomorrow! I'd also actively love her in spite of the behaviors, talk with (not at) her about what's important to her and set loving and firm boundries.

P.S. As far as what you described being "age appropriate" well that depends on who you know & surround yourself with. I know families with 11 year olds who do not act like that because their parents have taught them that it is not appropriate.

A., I highly suggest taking your daughter to H.E.L.P. (The Hollywood Education and Literacy Project). It is a free program, and what is amazing is that I've seen kids come into this program who hate school or are having trouble concentrating and by learning the study technology they offer, magically these kids can study successfully. You can definitely call H.E.L.P. for a free tour, and they'll even be able to refer you to one of their sister organizations in San Diego.

Here's their data:

Hollywood Education Literacy Project International
6336 Hollywood Boulevard
Hollywood CA 90028
###-###-####
http://www.helplearn.org/index-flash.html

Ask for Amanda or Ann. They definitely will be able to help you!

With love,
L. (MAMA to 2 year old Dylan Orion...29 September 2007) : )

Hi A.,

An 11 year old has no need for a cell phone. Also consider dangling the car license and use of a car. Many insurance companies give discount for good grades. Warn her that if she keeps this up she'll not be driving. She is young but I know every child can't wait to drive. At 11 her hormone are slowly taking her over. Try your best to ignore what you can and praise when she does things right. Her peers mean more to her then you and you need to allow the friends, that you approve of, to visit. This way their good behavior will surround her so that it can rub off on her. At 11 a boy is not good. But the more you object the more she resist so turn the tables and invite him to dinner. Never let them out of your sight. Once he sees he can't get away with anything then he'll back off. If he doesn't, invite his siblings over too to play games or watch a kid's movie. Also Momma, it is time to explain teen pregnancy and how it will effect her life if she insists on dating too soon. We all have a least one friend that we can use as an example. No body goes to a prom with a stroller.

I wish you the best ~ F.

It sounds like a better school might be a good choice, if you have that option. Go to a school rating site and look up your school, in your state. I have found that 8, 9 or 10 are fantastic schools. Sometimes those with lower ratings just won't give an academic environment to the extent some kids need to succeed.

First test her for drugs. Have her pee in a cup and get the most advanced test. If you cant do it then have it done at a lab and tell her it is part of her check up. If you have it done at the lab have a blood test done. its better and mor extensive.You need to know. If its clean try to talk to her about what is going on. That boy shouldnt be texting her. If it continues go to the parents-both of them and ask them to have him stop especially if the texts are inappropriate. Show them the texts

I totally agree with Cynthia...it is better to be safe than sorry about things like this. I would also have her drug tested through a lab and have her friends over to your house. That way you can meet who she is hanging around with. Monitor the contact she is having with her friends, especially internet. Don't let her have a computer of her own in her own room. I would restrict the cellphone and not allow her to have it during school hours or after 7:30 p.m. Make her turn it over to you at 7:30 p.m. You can monitor her text messages and internet use for content, if you feel it may be inappropriate. I would not let her go anywhere with friends unsupervised, until you get to know who her friends are. Let her know that you will not tolerate her disrespect to teachers or authority figures under any circumstances. I would try to spend more 1:1 time with her and get to know her better.

Best of luck.

The passing notes and talking too much is just social - I was that way. Rolling her eyes is not OK though, but typical tween behavior. She doesn't need a phone at age 11 so take it away until she's old enough to go to the mall, etc. with friends (usually age 13) - that's when she needs it. Just keep consistent about punishment for the rolling eyes.