Husband Always Working Late!!! Getting Annoyed!!

I was just having this conversation with a friend this morning. My advise would be to hire someone to clean the house once a week. I have 3 kids and also work full time. My kids are in all kinds of activities and sports. I feel like all I do is run from 4:45 AM until my head hits the pillow around 11:00PM. I felt like my house was being neglected and I was feeling overwhelmed. My priorities will always be doing for my kids first, so the house just had to wait. We hired someone to come clean once a week for $60 and that took so much stress off me. Now I just pick up thru the week and the deep cleaning is already done. Money well spent.

I know you're already annoyed so I hope this won't make it worse because that's not my intention, but "me" time can be really hard to find with a little one or several of them in the house.

To me, it sounds like things aren't that bad. I mean, he gets up in the night for the baby, he gets up with him and does the morning stuff.
Are you feeling that he should get home earlier from work so he can do the night time and bed time stuff too including folding laundry?
I understand being dead tired when you get home from work, trust me. I raised two kids as a single mom and there wasn't any help with anything, including finances.

Couples need to find a way to work things out and it's not always 50/50. One of my friends husbands does all the cooking and grocery shopping. He is the thrifty one and the one who plans meals. They say necessity is the mother of invention, hey....she is a terrible cook. She does not have a knack for it. Have you ever seen the show "Chopped"on the Food Network?
The baskets they get with the weirdest combinations of things to make meals out of was basically the same result after one of her shopping expeditions.
He does the cooking and she does the cleaning and putting the groceries away. She's a teacher and very organized and meticulous when it comes to that.
She does the yard work. One summer when he was away fighting wild fires, she painted the house. By herself. Well, my son helped her because he was out of school and I was at work.
They have figured out a way to divide things up. He's a firefighter and gone all fire season, sometimes for months at a time. He's a drummer in several bands and plays at church every Sunday he can. He's a busy guy. As a teacher, she's involved in all the school events and PTO, PTA, conferences, kids activities, etc.
They have found what works for them and they've been married about 25 years.

It doesn't sound to me like your husband doesn't help with the baby at all and if you need some "me" time, it kind of sounds like you have it in the evenings after your baby is in bed and your husband is still gone. Take a nice soak in the tub with lots of bubbles, light some candles, just enjoy that quiet time. So what if the laundry doesn't get folded.
The trick to laundry is to fold it and/or hang it up right when you take it out of the dryer. I never felt like it, still don't, but then it really is so much easier than having a pile of laundry somewhere. Whoever takes the stuff out of the dryer should fold it and put it away. Take turns.

If I were you, I would take every moment you have between the baby going to sleep and your husband getting home to soak in the tub, paint your nails, pamper yourself a little.

I'm trying to cheer you up and it may not sound that way, but I am. Try to communicate with your husband without "complaining". Try to have a discussion in which you acknowledge the long hours he works and the fact that he does help with the baby.
I think that might make him more open to listening to your feelings.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

No advice here - just a question.

Have you considered that he's working late because he's freaking out over money and is trying to secure a financial future for his family?

My son is also 11 mos, and since the moment he was born, I have had one overriding thought - WE NEED MORE MONEY!

Not because we're poor. We don't struggle. We even shop at the 'nice' grocery store. But from a Dad perspective - I have been all consumed that I need to provide MORE. Just like a mom suddenly becomes 'mama bear' and very protective the instant the baby arrives - dad's become obsessed with financial stability.

But I understand - my wife doesn't understand that either, just like I don't understand her overprotectiveness and worrying. :)

I think that you're both feeling the normal stresses of parenting and working FT. I guess first, figure out if the amount of time he works is actually necessary or beneficial. If he's on a salary and not getting OT, is this increase just part of the current "we all do more with less" mentality that a lot of us deal with at work (I now easily work 10-16 hours a day but much of that is at home at night) so this is keeping his job secure? Or does he directly or indirectly earn more by working more? If the work is valid...

Would you benefit at all by having him go to work earlier and come home earlier? Or would that just mean that you son spends a longer day in daycare? Part of the reason I come home late is that I do the morning routine and get to work late after the kids go to school so I stay later at the office. My husband leaves for work earlier than I do and does the end f day pick up and dinner routine. Often having overlapping schedules is a nice way to shorten your baby's day with a caregiver and it's how most dual-income couples I know manage.

Can you reframe this so that you see that "your" time is the morning (if your husband really handles that)? Or perhaps get up earlier and do some chores before work while he handles the baby and then relax at night? Honestly, the laundry can wait and no one cares if your house is messy, so if you need to relax at the end of the day, regardless of when he comes home, take the time that you need and want.

This is assuming the best intention, which is that the long hours are truly needed or provide a benefit. If you really think he's just hiding out at work or wasting time to avoid pitching in, then you need to address what's behind that because that's a pretty big deal.

It's hard to adjust to a new baby and the lack of me time that comes with it. I don't mean to be harsh but just to give you some perspective...
It's very common for husbands to hide out at work in the evening as well as refuse to help out at night (because they don't want to be tired for work) or in the morning (because they don't want to be late for work). From what I am reading you actually have an equitable situation with your spouse.
Is it possible for you to get a occasional babysitter or some cleaning help to get you through this time?

It seems like a trade off that you get him at home until 8 or 9 am (that's a late start!!) then he is home 12 hours later. He takes night duty as well as morning duty and then works his scared butt off to provide for the family.

You are exhausted, hire someone to help you out once a week with the house and make sure you are having fun together on the weekends.

Wow, I'm sorry that sounds really hard :(
Do you all spend time together as a family on the weekend? Do you laugh and have some fun together?
How about just you and your husband, any quality alone time together happening there?
I think BOTH of you need some designated "me" time on the weekends (to work out, nap, see friends, whatever) and you should absolutely schedule a date night at least once or twice a month.
Nourish your relationship with your husband, and he should do the same for you. Taking care of each other first makes you MUCH better parents.
Good luck, I know it's hard in the beginning :)

Welcome to motherhood!! You need to sit down and make a plan. Prioritize what need to be done, make a chart if you have to. Some things I do, is I throw laundry in as soon as I wake up, put it in the dry while I shower, I plan my dinners on the weekend when I do the grocery shopping (I do online food shopping saves a ton of time) Consider hiring a cleaning service, also cuts down on a ton of time and really isn't that expensive. I have had one for years and even though you still clean it is just keeping up daily not heavy weekly cleaning. I find that you have to have a plan, and organize and things will flow easier and less to do after work. Sounds like you are becoming resentful and that is going to push your hubby even further away, and make things worse. Try not to keep score, unfortunately as women the majority is on us, that is just the way it is. You will have to make sacrifices now that will pay off down the line for your family. Grab time on the weekends for yourself, just consider the weekday time at home an extension of your day. You know the expression a woman's work is never done!! I do know one thing men do not respond to nagging, I have tried it and it doesn't work, and men do not get the hints and do not assume, they need to be asked what you need from them. Try to talk when you are not pissed off, go to dinner and try to come to a compromise, and make a plan. If you put a system in place things will go smoother for you and you will see how much easier it will get. Having a young baby is not easy, but time will fly and you will get through it. My husband always worked late hours when my kids were small, he also had a commute, so I just did what I had to do for my children, My time was on the back burner for a long time. Now I am 52 and it is and has been my time for a while. Mommies have to sacrifice, that is what we do when we have a family.

I would just hire a housekeeper. A couple of hours a few days a week to help you keep up. It doesn't have to be a discussion about you being supportive or not. If he's going to work so much, then you should be able to (as a family) reap some of the "rewards" by having help. If he doesn't like it/doesn't think you can afford it then tell him that the housekeeper is the way HE can be supportive of YOU so YOU can be supportive of HIM. End of discussion.

I like what JB has to say already as far as the work aspect. I remember learning in college that men work the most after their baby is born. Something kicks in and they feel the need to really be sure to provide.

Ultimately, you two really need to sit down and have a serious conversation about your marriage, parenting and work out a plan so that you're both happier. Things weren't going well with my hubby and I lately and I finally just took a deep breath and said, we need to talk. I learned what I was doing that was bothering him and he learned what was bothering me. If you have to set some ground rules for the talk then go ahead. Heck, you may have to schedule a time to go over everything. But if you're both invested into this marriage then you BOTH should be willing to work at getting through this challenge. Good luck!

First...I would check to make sure he is REALLY working. If he is, then...well there is nothing he can do. All you can do, is tell him you would like him to try and be home at a more reasonable time, and ask him when the busy season is going to end, because you cant take it much longer.

My husband and I joke that if I was to ever get extremley fat, and mean that he would be working VERY late all the time.
Maybe he is avoiding something, that you dont know about? Your married....I really think the NUMBER 1 thing in marriage is COMMUNICATION. Talk to him...tell him how you are feeling. See whats really behind all this.

I think you have a right to have more support at home. You are both working, you both can share responsibilities at home.

Your thread title caught my eye right away, I can relate a little because my husband is in the middle of a huge project presently. For the past month, and for the next week or so, he is working ALL the time. He gets up at 3:30 am and usually gets home between 8-10 PM. Understandable then, he falls asleep immediately after the kids go to bed, so I miss his company in the late evenings. He also works all hours all weekends. Though we are fortunate, he can work weekends from home. But even when he works at home, he spends most every hour in his chair on his computer or on conference calls. I'm not sure he left the house once last weekend he worked at home.

However, I am a SAHM. His career supports us, so difficult as it may be some days and some moments, I always remember we are afforded our lifestyle because of how dedicated he is to his career. So I support him any way I can. He's busting his butt at work, and I'm busting my butt doing everything relating to home and kids. We're a team. And I know eventually things will settle down at work. His job tends to get busy in waves, and it evens out.

If I was also working, I'm quite sure I'd also be peeved with his crazy working hours. I'd expect we'd also be close to equally handling home and child duties.

First, I would make sure he really is "working". Also, my opinion is that he is working "normal" hours for it being his "busy season". My husband is a biz owner and starts his day at 6am and is home by 6pm. Normal 12 hour day. But he starts early so he can be home in time to have dinner with us and have family time before the kids go to bed. We are his priority. I think your husband is either really working late, saying he's working late and not, or purposly working late so he doesn't have to come home. Regardless of any of these, you have to make it so he WANTS to come home. You didn't say if your sex life is ok or not. Is he getting any now that the baby is here? Sometimes women are "too tired" and they cut off their husbands. Then husbands get resentful and don't want to come home. Who knows but you? So I would just talk to him and see whats going on. Tell him his late hours are getting to be too much for you and you feel like you are home alone. But don't forget he's helping in the morning so its not like he's doing "nothing". I agree with the housekeeper if you can afford it. Its my goal to someday have one full time, meaning to come twice a week to clean and do all the laundry and change out towels and beds, etc. But you can't fix this yourself. You need to get a game plan in place with hubby. When you have a baby, EVERYTHING changes, as you know, and it takes some time to get back into a normal place where things run smoothly. And I do agree that men kick into provider mode when they have a family. But that shouldn't be at the expense of other things getting done. I hope you can get it figured out, it takes both of you to keep afloat. Good luck!!!!

I understand this feeling. While my husband too is good about taking the lead on the mornings when he can. He usually drops them off at daycare and feeds breakfast (if we do breakfast at home). But he was super busy at work most of last year after I went back to work after our second and I just felt buried trying to deal with both every night by myself. It was a huge adjustment. I'm lucky, we have a cleaning company, but still walking in the house at 6 with two tired and hungry kids who both needed my attention and time was difficult for me. One thing I did for a while over the summer was hire a mother's helper one night a week. It allowed me to give each kid a little one-on-one time. In your case, you could ask that person to help with housework or just give you a little break with an active child, another set of hands.

I struggled with, does he have to work...because if so, there isn't much to say about that. And a lot of times he did. But my husband is very "dutiful" so he rarely pushes back when people ask him to take something on. He missed most of our family "vacation" to visit my family for a week post one big project, because they "had to have him" on something else. I was getting really resentful.

One thing that has really helped me was learning about someone I knew tangentially who is about my age with two young boys whose husband died from cancer. I thought, man she'd give anything to have a husband who worked too much, instead of one who was gone. Perspective. It doesn't stop me from getting mad EVERY time, but it has truly helped as I try to focus on the fact that he's a loving husband and good father who has a demanding job and works too hard. And things have slowed down a bit so he's home at 6:30 more often instead of at or after the time the kids are in bed. And I've settled into my routine finally now that my littlest is 14 months.

You are feeling burnt out and that this is not fair.
Legitimate.

Just to look at it another way, although I know this will not help:
My friend, has 3 boys. All young. Although she is a SAHM.... her Husband, due to his job and demands... gets home WAY past 8:00pm nightly AND also has to travel, out of the country as well... MANY times. He cannot avoid this, this is his job. He is good at it and he likes it etc. And this is why she can stay home with the kids.
BUT, she has 3 boys...and she is more often than not... home all alone with her children all day and all night and whenever her Husband is traveling for many days.

Does your Husband, really have to work that late????
Or is it he is avoiding the home and child care responsibilities he has at home???
My friend's Husband was that way. Never home. Working all the darn time. Golfing on weekends etc. AND it was because, he was a out of site out of mind, type Dad. He didn't want to be raising the kids. Just having the kids.

In any case, if I were you I would be pissed off too.

BUT if your Husband CANNOT avoid his work schedule and has no say in it... then well, it is not entirely his fault.
He is an Employee.

Why not take a picnic dinner to him at work? have it prepared and ready to go or stop and get something. I think what you are wanting is time with your husband. It is not all about helping you with your baby it is time with him. Yes some is about helping you out by playing and being with your son so that you can get some housework done. Maybe, make a plan for housework. Mondays, bathrooms and your son may have to play by himself quietly at your feet while you do this. Tuesday could be dusting or cleaning kitchen or laundry. You get the picture. If you can afford it hire someone to help out once a week or even everyother week. hire a teenager for a couple of hours 2 times a week to play with your son while you get things done. They are much cheaper than a cleaning person... hope this helps you.

Be glad that your husband isn't in the military because mine is. Mine has those times when he doesn't get home until about that time as your husband, then there are those days where he has staff duty or CQ and pulls a 24 hour shift. I have two little boys ages 22 months and 10 months and do it all by myself when that happens. I feel you when you say you feel you get no time for yourself a lot of times I don't get it until the weekend or when my husband has off. My husband is on call 24/7 365 days a year. I can tell you now that it will suck when he deploys again because then I will be all by myself. Try asking family for help or friends. Ask them if they can maybe watch your little boy so you can have some mommy time. I do that sometimes, I don't have family close by because I live in South Korea but I have made some friends who love my kids and would be happy to take them for a couple of hours so I can have time to myself. Good luck and hang in there. Maybe also mention to your husband you would like to spend time with him when he's home off work.

In a way I can relate. Same time - my husband has never had morning duty bc we have a nanny. And our kids have never gone to bed before 9pm. Yet i always have been one home by 5:00 to take care of the kids while he goes into work later and would get home later. What I've done is count up hours "working" a day to see if it really is uneven or there's just so much to do that it has to be he's not doing enough... Having your first is a huge adjustment. Sometimes it isn't that the father isn't doing his share vs there isn't enough time in a day. If you can, hire some help. And I'd also ask myself, do I want him to quit? He's work obsessed while I make much more money so it often seemed like he was working for selfish reasons/ego... Does he have to work these hours? It puts it in perspective bc often he really did have that much work and bottom line, not sure I really wanted him to just quit given sometimes the hours were temporary too. He worked weekends a ton as well. And ours are 15 months apart and even while i was so big and pregnant taking care of a toddler, he wouldnt come home earlier. But it passes. Men can feel such a drive to work and be the big earner. It gets better. Hang in there.