Husb did something nice for me today.
We had a pretty good day w/the kids.
So we're going along having a nice day then wham he always does something mean right before bed.
Now he's going to expect some lovin' attention and now that's the last thing I want to do. Ugh.
Anybody else ever feel like this? I really don't want to just "do it".
Btw, this happens just about every other night.
What to do?
Thank you mamas! As always, very helpful. I will continue counseling for myself.
Husb had a rough childhood, his mom died etc. I've always felt he should address that in counseling but I will continue to go to counseling for myself.
Huh? Really?
He's "mean" then expects "some lovin' attention"?
Does he realize that this isn't how it works?
Looks like he's going to be disappointed.
Oh well--some people learn quicker than others I suppose.
You never have to give lovin' attention.
Have you tried talking with him when things are going well? If not try that. Use I statements. I feel hurt/angry when you do such and such. It causes me to feel unwilling to share "lovin' attention" with you. I'll feel much more attentive if you could do such and such."
When he's actually doing the mean thing call him on it. "that feels mean, to me. Stop it."
I suggest that if he's been mean to you, tell him no and why.
I can think of 2 possibilities why your husband does this:
First, he may be clueless. In that case, sharing your feelings with him in a non-threatening way should make him want to change for the sake of your marriage and family.
Second, he's just plain mean and nothing will make him change. I hope this is not the case. But if you have an honest talk with him and he doesn't change, even if he promises to, then you have to decide if you are willing to put up with him doing something mean before bed every other night for the rest of your life.
Well, you can't change him. You can chose how you react to him and his actions. Get counseling for the both of you if he'll go, for yourself if he won't. If he won't change and continues to be a jerk, then you have choices to make.
Based on your previous posts, you've painted your DH as a real jerk.
Not sure what to tell you, because we can't change him, and if you don't demand change, and if the problems aren't acknowledged & worked on, then you're stuck in a crappy marriage forever, or you can choose to leave. It's really up to you.
You need to tell him that the mean streak needs to stop, maybe he doesnt even realize he's doing it. Maybe it's part of his foreplay..... he feels more powerful when he's mean and you still have sex with him and he might get off on that. Doesnt sound like fun to me.
I think you need to have a talk with him early in the day, and let him know how this is ruining sex for you. Tell him if it doesnt cease you are going to buy some whips and chains to use on him.
Let him know that women like to brag about a good sex life, and at this juncture you cant do that without lying. That might make him think on it a little and change his approach.
My ex was like this, (just one of the reasons we are not together) at night and on holidays. With holidays i was able to figure out it was because of his childhood...his father left the family when he was 4 or so, his mother was murdered when he was 5, he and his 2 siblings were then bounced from family member to family member, and he knew (because he heard and was told) that they were a burden. Holidays weren't very fun for him, and he developed a "well, if it isn't going to be fum for me, it's not going to be fun for anyone else" attitude. Our first Christmas together he tried to start an argument with me for 2 days, and when I wouldn't take the bait he blew up at me on the way to my parents house and called another family member to pick me up, and lied and told them that i had started a fight and he couldn't spend the day wit me :(
I tried to get him to therapy, he wouldn't go, I did. I never figured out why he liked to upset me before bedtime, and then expected me to be loving, the only thing I came up with was that he liked to be in control of everything and dominate me :-/
My suggestion is the same as Marda's, talk to him when things are going well and tell him how you feel, and when he does something mean bring it to his attention right then and there. Encourage him to get therapy, if he won't go yourself. Be prepared to decide if you can live like this.
Explain the mean things he's doing. Has he done this during your entire relationship or entire marriage? Maybe he's cheating on you or doesn't want to have sex with for some other reason. If that's the case he's being mean to turn you off and is only pretending to want to have sex with you so that you don't get suspicious. Or maybe he's some kind of masochist and being mean gets him aroused.
