Hurts So Good!?

"deal with this" "suck it up" and "be happy" are conflicting outcomes.

Pick one.

I suggest altering your goals.

"deal with this" is a good one. This must happen first. I don't know the specifics of your loss. But I did see that it looks like you miscarried at around 12 weeks. I have had 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. Miscarrying at 12 weeks was a different type of miscarriage than the pregnancies that miscarried/ended earlier. It was almost a year and required a good bit of therapy and a round of anti-anxiety meds before I was back to normal. You experienced this type of loss.... what.... weeks ago? Cut yourself some slack.

"suck it up" While good advice for most teenagers and also for when you are faced with obstacles that are irritating or necessary (for example when your boss hands you an extra project at work and informs you he must have it back by 6am.... and it's date night) and you must "suck it up" to get it completed, because, you know, it's YOUR JOB. I think using the phrase "suck it up" as it relates to overcoming grief from a miscarriage at 12 weeks is inappropriate and tells me you are doing a bit of minimizing about your situation. I refer you back to "deal with it".

"be happy". Not sure this is an entirely realistic goal, either. Be happy. About what? Your situation? Maybe (and this is a big maybe) if you are devoutly religious and believe that God has a plan for EVERYTHING you can be happy because you can have faith that your situation was a part of God's plan and it is not for you to understand. However..... even in that case the necessary and resulting emotion is not happiness it is ACCEPTANCE. Which, I believe, is what you should focus on. Acceptance and peace. Not happiness. Acceptance is a process, not an emotion. Peace is the state of being that results from achieving acceptance. Both of those take time.

I think you might benefit from meditation. This is a great way to reduce some of the emotion and focus on being present with yourself.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I do understand how you feel and the process needed to go through this. Make sure things are good with your husband. Make sure you are on the same page and that you can be support for each other.

Grief is natural, even healthy, as long as you are moving forward in your grief. If the grief is turning into jealousy and anger, you have moved beyond the "suck it up" stage and need to talk to a professional. In fact, I would recommend that anyone who loses a child needs to talk with someone, whether it be a pastor, grief counselor, or therapist. This does NOT make you weak, it makes you human.
As far as visiting your SIL, make plans to keep face to face time brief. Have ready a signal to your SO to get you out of there if you feel overwhelmed. And know that your family will understand your difficulty and appreciates whatever support you can come up with.

Hi there,

Years ago, after a second (and devastating) miscarriage, a friend invited me to both her blessingway (a very spiritual baby shower) and later, to see the new baby.

I really, really, should have been kind to myself and told her the truth... I was too raw for this celebration of her baby. I was happy for her, truly, but also felt resentful that she should have a child so easily when I had wanted one so very much. Throughout the shower, I just felt so removed and empty and while I wasn't aggressive outwardly, I was stuffing down a lot of anger. When I went to see the baby-- well, on my walk home, I cried a lot of the way.

I think it is really okay to just 'be'. I know you want to put on a happy face, but don't make that your goal. Instead, I would work on being present with your feelings and being kind to yourself. I don't know how recently your niece was born( nor how recently your last loss was) however, consider your SIL. ;I know from much previous experience of being with moms of newborns is that the moms are often pretty consumed with caring for the baby and so she may not have much to offer you emotionally. Can your husband be supportive and help you during the time of the visit? Could he entertain the thought of going alone and you could just send a heartfelt letter, wishing your SIL and the baby the best of all wishes and acknowledging that it's just too soon?

I think honesty may be the best policy here... just so you don't get into a situation where your feelings are manifested passive-aggressively. Knowing what I know now, in your situation, I would wait until you get past this wave of intense feeling. It does get better. In my situation, the friend I had-- well, this lack of honesty on my part at that time ended up changing our relationship... there was a gap we couldn't breach because I was so sure that being supportive of her meant that I shouldn't express my own feelings.

All that to say, be honest with your husband and your SIL and let them know what you told us: you think she's an amazing woman, you are so excited to have a niece, and that you aren't ready yet. Do send a thoughtful gift for baby or mom, and don't feel badly about this. You aren't a bad person, just feeling very hurt and tender right now.

Hugs. What a tough, yucky place to be in. Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself. It will get better-- and then you will really enjoy meeting your niece. (and a nice PS-- this was the miscarriage that finally got me into counseling, which changed my entire life. So if you are feeling really 'stuck' right now and that feeling doesn't go away, do as Sarah suggested-- find some comfort and guidance with a counselor or other helper.)

"Sucking it up" is the worst thing you can do for you. Your well-being depends on your willingness to allow yourself to fully feel all of your feelings. Grief needs space to fully run it's course. You can feel sad for you and happy for someone else at the same time. In fact, the more you honor your own feelings the less you will project anger and hurt onto others.

Allow yourself time and space to cry and grieve fully. Write out all your pain and agony. Give yourself permission to see the new baby for only short periods of time and to find a safe place to release the grief that may get triggered. Be honest with yourself and others about your struggle.

Gather all the resources you need to support your journey through the tough feelings: plenty of soft kleenex, your favorite tea, a soft sweater or blanket to wrap yourself in, a friend that "gets it" and is willing to have you call them, a counselor/coach, a grief support group, soothing music, etc.

God bless you and comfort you - this is so hard! I would be honest about your feelings - the happiness first when you get to see the little one, and the sadness and envy after, when there's a quiet moment. It's ok to weep, and to understand that is just the inverse of the love you will have for your child when he or she comes. Don't give up.

Don't expect your SIL to be a good resource for really talking this through right now. Hopefully she can at least hear and understand your feelings...but she's in the middle of a hormone tornado right now, and needs to be free to focus on her own stuff as much as possible. Hopefully there is another friend or family member that can support you better?

My son died when he was 22 years old so a bit different then your loss. It is so hard at any age, even if it is before they took a breath. It is ok to be sad, to be angry, it is natural. I am not sure how long it has been since your loss but I don't think it matters, you will always feel the loss. It is hard for me to see all my son's friends grow up and know that Jordan would have changed a lot in the past 2 and half years. It is ok to be feeling that loss. If you cry, know that it is ok. If you don't want to hold the baby, it is ok. If anyone gets upset and says something about it, let them know you are so happy for the new parents but in the same breath it reminds you of your loss and you have to deal with it the best you can. It is ok. My guess is when you get there you will see that baby and you will feel the pain in your heart but you will smile and feel love for that precious neice.

Truthfully....

You are right and you have to just suck it up and fake it till you make it. It will get easier with time and you will "make it." Till then though just project a beautiful, happy, grateful smile. I know it's hard as hell and we'd like to think that in this situation we could remove our problems from the equation or have exceedingly understanding relations... but it's not going to happen. They expect you to be involved in their happiness when it comes down to it even if they are the most understanding people in the world.

So do what every therapist has always told me. Fake it till you make it! Biggest hugs in the world.

It's ok to be sad, just don't let your SIL know. I've been trying to have another baby, and I really wanted a Halloween baby. When my sister called me last year to tell me she was pregnant and due on Halloween, I was happy for her, but as soon as I hung up I cried for half an hour. It's ok to be sad for your own losses, and jealous of your SIL, but try not to let them know, it's not their fault.