Hurtful Mother-in-law

Hi Deanna!
I think you somewhat answered your own question....what reason do you want your mom? Because they are special and more so when you have your own children. There is a bond that is hard to replicate. Your SIL has that.

I agree with the other poster that in some families there is an unwritten rule that the mother is closer to the daughter and her children, and puts them first. I guess if we all had mothers that did that there would be no problem, but we don't.

What does your husband think? If he is not a support of the behavior you see, let it go.

You don't need to be confrontive about it. It doesn't sound like she is ganging up on you or being passive aggressive (sorry if she is, write us about that too), but that she is just not meeting your expectations and then this hurts you. Stop asking her to participate in your children's lives, she doesn't want to. As time goes by when she asks you or your husband why the invites stopped, you can be honest with her and say, "You never came". An honest consequence for her.

By 5 your daughter will start to notice Grandma's inconsistentcies and draw her own conclusions. Better that she sees Grandma for what she is without any negative influence (but with your unconditional support for what a bummer the truth is about Grandma). Maybe this won't even bother your daughter...kids have such low expectations of others anyway. Has your daughter said anything?

Families are not just DNA, and truth is all people will not live up to our expectations no matter what the title. We have to learn to: 1)accept them the way they are, and 2)ask what benefit does the family gain from investing in a relationship with them? If you cannot accept them "as is" or if the benefit is more hurt then happiness, then you have your answer.

Sorry to seem harsh...I have a mother and she is mentally ill since I was a young girl. It was very hurtful to be let down by her over and over again. When I adjusted my expectations I stopped being hurt and was able to let her be the Grandma (to my kids) she wanted to be (not the one I wanted her to be). I know it hurts. Good luck in what ever decision you make!

I'm assuming that your SIL is her daughter. That could be part of it. I'm not downplaying the relationship of Mothers/Sons (I have two boys), but the Mother/Daughter bond is very strong. At least it is in our family. My mother was in the delivery room for both births. Not a chance MIL would be. My mom spends WAY more time with our boys than my MIL does. And, part of that is because I talk to my mom every day. My husband never calls his mother.

My mom already knows that she won't be as close to my brothers future kids. And not because she will love them less, but because she has a different, more intimate relationship with my sisters and I.

Aside from that, sometimes MIL's and DIL's just do NOT click. There doesn't have to be a reason or something that happened. I know both my MIL and FIL don't really care too much for me. Nothing has ever happened between us. I even sat down for a few hours with my MIL to try and figure it out. Nothing really changed. It's not your fault, just continue to be civil with them and focus on relationships that both parties are giving 100%.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this - and your little girl, too.

Your letter is so sad, probably because I have lived it. I'm curious what your husband thinks of all of this or does he just blow it off and say..."Oh... YOU KNOW how my mother is????"

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do when someone plays favorites and I just have to assume that this is the case. Not knowing all the parties involved I can't really say who is at fault. Is your son NOT a favorite? I am also curious as to whether there are any other adult children. Has your husband given you any insight as to why this happens - or does he just steer clear and not want to rock the boat, too?

My husband was NOT the favorite - and he is 4 of 5 children. Grandma, due to health problems, needed to move in with someone and no one offered her a home, except us. She was the only grandparent left and she was a very difficult person. It was hurtful that she played favorites and pitted people up against each other - very manipulative. Once she moved in, my children began to see that side of her. My husband's other siblings were still her favorites and two of those siblings made my life miserable, from time to time. My children became HER favorite grandchildren, and that's really hurtful to see life from that perspective too. Being the favorite is really not what it's cracked up to be, either.

For whatever reason, possibly unintentional, they have decided to exclude you, either because their bond is so strong or because they don't care for you for some reason - personality clash. Or was there something more tangible, that has happened in the past? Or perhaps it's as simple as you marrying their son/brother. Their relationship sounds manipulative. So... Why do you still desire to be friends with them??? It's nice for them to have cousins close to their age. There's something to be said for being polite and agreeable during the times that you MUST associate.

Sure you can pose the question to them - "Have I offended you in some way because I get the sense that....?" But what do you think is going to change? You must not let this eat you up inside. Time may heal and your mother-in-law may one day, realize that your beautiful daughter is getting older and she wants to spend more time with her - she may like her better at a different age. Or she may realize that you REALLY are a good mom. (Yes... I did have that "Ah HAH" moment!)

Until that day, personally, I would rather put the energy into people who are nice to me and my family than those who make me feel inferior! My children have been blessed with wonderful uncles, aunts and older cousins (even an old neighbor) who love them - I hope you have the same. Don't keep walking on eggshells around your in-laws. Hold your head up and enjoy those who enjoy you!

I think so many of us reading this feel your pain! What a great question to post. We want our children to be loved and accepted, especially by their grandparents.

I married a man that has 4 sisters. Enough said. We're never kept in the loop or included, unless his father calls me. And, I have the ONLY grandDAUGHTER in the family. Everyone else has boys. So it goes.

I don't think that you bringing it up with your MIL will turn out very well. It needs to come from her son. I'm sure she loves him and your children, but what's happening is just a result of her own insecurities. She may be older, but that doesn't mean she's more mature or has a deeper sense of self. It's such a shame, because she could step in an be a mother to you. You are welcoming and needing her, and so often DILs don't want their MILs around. So, she's very fortunate that you are trying to include her in your life. Ask your husband to bring it up to his dad first. I'm sure she has talked to her husband about it. Get some insight. If your husband thinks his mom will listen to him, then let him approach her.

In the meantime, I suggest looking for other 'grandmas' so that your daughter can be smothered rediculously and build up her self-worth. Volunteer at a retirement home, library, food pantry or animal shelter and bring her with. These are areas that many retirees choose to help at. They will love having the youth and energy around. Help out at church with the women's organizations. They are often in need of younger women and will trade your help and energy for baby-sitting. Put your energy & love towards helping others and it will all come back to you and your daughter 10-fold! And, it will come without strings or contingencies or hurt feelings.

Best wishes,
A

Boy.... it's bad enough being rude to you, but your poor daughter is going to figure out sooner or later that grandma isn't around for her. I had the same problem with my brother in law. He didn't favor someone else's kids, but he never sent them birthday cards, etc. I had a talk with him but it didn't really help that much. I came to accept that people don't change. If I were you, I would at least give it a try and talk with your MIL. She sounds very uncaring. I wish you luck with this.
A.
www.opportunityofyourlife.net
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I'm in the same situation as you. Luckily, my family is there for every little thing my daughter does, so she has at least one set of grandparents who are involved in her life. I used to get so upset (sometimes I still do) when my MIL ignores my daughter, but then I remind myself that anyone who could treat their own grandchild that way for no good reason is probably someone I don't want my child spending alot of time with anyway. It's better she has little to do with your child than for her to be around your daughter and for your daughter to pick up on any negatvity coming from her. For kids, it's 'out of sight, out of mind' and that may be the best thing for your little family.

deanna,
I know your pain! I lived the same thing. My in-laws treated my kids like they didn't exist. my sons are now 20 and 14. Their grandmother died last summer, and they honestly didn't care. It was painful for me to watch. they were the only grandkids (there are 3 others) that didn't shed a tear. It was as if they were at a funeral for a stranger. My oldest knew at around 10 years old that his grandparents (father's side) didn't like him as much as his cousins. He would even ask my mom why his other grandma didn't like him! I gave up pushing the issue and let the chips fall as they may. It all came to a head when my oldest graduated from high school. they came to go to the ceremony and when we were trying to take pictures before heading out, she blew up at me! they left. I was in tears. after I cooled off, I put all of my feelings in a letter and mailed it! they, of course, never replied. When my husband went down to visit, he told me that they had the letter framed, and on-display, so that all who visited them could see how "bad" I was! My feelings are that it is their loss. they missed out on some great kids and can never get that back. My advice to you is to just love your kids and let them know how special they are. Forget about trying to win your mother in law over, It just won't happen.

My MIL is just like that,the difference is,she treats all her grandchildren like that.No favors, she is just not to much into her grandchildren and they are ranging from the 20's to 4 years old.But they see their friends all the time for gambeling,cruises,Trips to Disney.........
We have confronted them and I can tell you nothing has changed.I can't stand them,but I'm not rude to them. I don't invite them anymore,there are no pictures on the wall of them,my older kids,14 and 15 don't care about them,
my 4 year old didn't want to sit by them,he said " no I dn't want to sit by you." That made me smile inside.
It is very sad,because my daughters friedns have grandma's who take their granddaughter's shopping,out for dinner etc.
It is always braking my heart and i t will brake your's,too.
But it has to come from themself.They have to want to be in your childs live.I know I will be a good Grandma one day,I want to be in their life and have a relationship with my DIL as well.Nice lunches,cofee you name it.
I don't have a relationship at all with her.It's just like the show Everybody loves Raimond,sometimes I call her Marie!!!!
We should have a bad In law club one day !!!!
My mom lives in Germany.
MC

I'm sorry you have to feel this way and go through this. In-laws are hard to deal with sometimes. Is she close to your husband? If they are not close, then maybe that's the reason she is distant. I know you don't have a mother, but try not to let her bother you, a MIL can never take the place of your mother anyways! Let them have their little clique! I would stop trying to be a part of them, maybe stop calling as much, I know it sucks for your kids, but, even if you confront her, it probally will not change. Just look at it, that she is the one missing out!

I agree with the others that say find a "surrogate" grandma-- a neighbor, family friend, etc. I think there are a lot of lonely people that would love to lavish attention on your daughter. Life is too short to repeatedly get upset over someone that won't change.