I have been a sahm for 3.5 years (age of my daughter) I would like to send my daughter to preschool/daycare 3-4 times a week (say from 10am to 4pm) This would do 2 important things
#1 My daughter is very shy. I have been taking her to play groups 2-4 times per week to interact with the same children. She has made some good progress. She has gone from clinging to me and refusing to let go to now, where she goes and plays right away and with my encouragement, she will eventually play and really have fun with another child. So, what I want to use daycare for is to get her around the same kids for a longer period of time for more days per week. I think this would really get her to learn to interact with other kids. The playdates are great, but I just don't think they are quite enough to get her comfortable with other kids (I was very shy myself and it is extremely important to me that I help her learn to not be so shy) I would plan on going to the daycare sessions WITH her for a time until she got comfortable.
#2 I want very badly to get another business going but it would be terribly difficult to be effective/professional with my dear daughter yelling in the background. I would really enjoy having a career again, and would more fully enjoy giving her my full attention when my "workday" was over.
To be clear, my number one priority is the welfare of my daughter. I truly believe that being in the "right" daycare/preschool setting could really help her get more comfortable around other kids. I want her to be more confident around kids BEFORE kindergarten!
My husband hasn't said "no" but I know he would prefer that I stay home and care for her. He knows I take her to the play groups and thinks thats great. He doesn't understand the way I see childcare.... a way to help her better interact with other kids.. and... a way for me to have a career I would really like to have.
And no, daddy being the stay at home dad isn't an option (just because of what he earns vs. what I would earn right off the bat)
So, where am I going with this? I guess I would like to hear from other women in my situation (working with shy children to overcome their fears of social situations) and (had career, had child, then stay at home mom, but wanting to get back into workforce and feeling guilty for wanting that)
I don't think I am being selfish to want this. I think it would be a positive move for both my daughter and myself.
Suggestions, comments, criticisms, words of wisdom ?
Thank you so much for all the responses. I'd like to address the questions some of you asked me:
Nobody is being nosy for asking me quesitons. I welcome all suggestions!
Yes, I do feel a little guilty, but more, I feel uncertain about finding the type of care I would provide myself. I wonder what I would miss out on! But also, it is only a part day, she would benefit so much, and we would be so happy to see eachother at pick up time. Unless she wanted to stay she was having so much fun. I'd love that!
One thing though, I was very shy as a child. I didn't Grow out of it. I'm not really shy now, but I dont have the social skills I should have (for all those years of NOT interacting) I needed TAUGHT how to interact with others but nobody saw that. I am teaching myself that now, at 33! Really. I can see her progress just by taking her to play dates. A longer exposure at daycare could really benefit her by being with mostly the same kids, same surroundings. I think she would blossom.
The reason I do NOT want to just wait until she goes to school in a couple years are:
1. I want to help her learn how to interact BEFORE she goes to kindergarten and is forced to sink or swim socially
2. I want to move back to San Diego. I need to work to make lots of money so we can possibly afford a house. Hubby never wants to rent again (like we did the 6 years we were out there) I am running out of time, as I want to be "settled" where she will live all her school years at least 6 mos before she starts school.
First, I loved the idea of taking my daughter with me to check out the places. That is a great idea!
My husbands reasons for not wanting my daughter in daycare: He just thinks it is better for her to be at home with me. His mom did it (for a while) and when he came home from school, his nana watched him. He was never in daycare himself. I think it is just his "conditioning" and that I could convince him otherwise if I really explain all the points I have here. Maybe I haven't communicated to him enough.
Hi there!
There is a preschool in Chandler called Desert Sun preschool that is a parent/tot program. You might want to consider that at first, then when she is more ready move to a half day prechool program at the elementary school where she will be attending to begin to familiarize herself with the location. Good luck!
When my hubby and I don't see eye to eye on things, I let him know my position and then I let him make the choice. God is going to lead your husband as the head of the home on decisions for your family. I would respect him and let it be his choice. Do it cheerfully and respectfully and he just might change his mind later. I think your daughter being home with mom will help her shyness more than anything. She is young and confidence comes with age not having other children her age to hang out with. She would most likely be more confident in the future if it were just you and her during the days. There have been lots of studies done on that. There will be plenty of time in the future to start your business. I say, go with your husband's wishes and don't worry about your daughter. Just love her and have fun with her. She will grow up and be just fine. Good luck!
Hey, there ~
First of all, I admire your willingness to accept suggestions, comments, wisdom AND CRITICISM. I've found a lot of moms are only interested in affirmation and can't handle even constructive criticism. Kudos to you for wanting to make a wise decision based on all the facts and opinions you can get. And getting her involved in as many social situations as possible to strengthen your daughter is awesome. It sounds as though she's ready for the social aspect of kindergarten already. Your little girl is obviously well loved!
That being said, you seem to have mixed emotions about your desire to go back to work. Are you "feeling guilty" or do you not think you're being "selfish"?? You seem to be somewhere in the middle. I imagine that's frustrating. I truly believe one parent or the other in the home while his/her child is there is the ideal. I realize there are circumstances which make that impossible in some cases. I also realize there are women - and men - not entirely fulfilled this way. But our children aren't intentionally trying to get in the way of our fulfillment; they're just trying to grow up. And I firmly believe the best way for them to do that is to be in a stable environment with someone who loves them and nurtures them like no one else can.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying it's healthy to spend all day every day in the house with little ones running around. That's enough to drive one crazy - believe me, I know. I think some part-time work (few hours weekly), volunteer work, adult socialization, etc. are all good things. But it would break my heart if I had to put my children in a daycare where I'm not there, I don't see what's going on, I don't know the care-givers, I don't know what my kids are being exposed to mentally, physically and spiritually, and someone else is - in effect - raising my babies. Especially at such an impressionable age. If you can possibly wait until your little girl is in elementary school, that's what I'd recommend.
Search your heart, sweetie, and decide in your baby's best interest. I'm sure it won't be too hard. You apparently love her so much!
~ R.
Hi Amy/Laura.
You are clearly NOT the kind of Mom to make any decisions lightly. You have obviously thought this through, and I'll bet anyone the cost of filling my tank with gas you'd make every effort to find a supportive and loving daycare.
You will need to find consensus with *Dad* more than anyone: if he strongly disagrees with you, your work will suffer from that as well.
What are his specific concerns, and how can you address them so he feels as positive as possible? Is he shocked his little sweetie is already 3.5, and he already has to think about sending her to school? Has he heard horror-stories about daycares? Is he just against daycares in general? Did you two have a previous understanding?
I'm not gettin' nosey here ;) these are just some suggestions to find out how the two of you can agree. Sometimes, my hubby's being totally bull-headed about something, then when we really start to talk about it, we both find out what's going on, "under the surface," and can usually find a middle-ground to work from.
(What a lucky girl you have!)
T
Hi! You are not at all being selfish to want to pursue your own career! Go for it!
I have a 3.5 year old daughter, who is also shy and she has been going to daycare since she was 3 months old. so to be honest, i don't know if daycare would make her unshy. my daughter will just hang out with the teachers or play by herself. they say that once in a while she will interact with the other kids. you could always try daycare for a short time and see if it helps her. i hope it does. good luck!
Just an opinion but...it would seem more natural to choose a prescool that is more like 9 to 12 ( the hours that the child is most active) 3 or 5 days a week. i had a shy one and visited quite a few preschools with my child until he let go of my leg and went to play. That was how i knew he would be happy there, made it his choice. We started slow and worked up to full days when he wanted, and the rest is history. Before i got back to work though, i was pregnant with number 2, then number 3. Work became seasonal and then, vounteer and community service. my kids are now teenagers and are not shy anymore!
at 3 years old my boys were already in team sports and my daughter in ballet class, and that may have helped in their confidence. and 4 yo was the start of pre-kindergarten.
It is important to get back into the workforce if you can start part-time.
I was a full time veterinary technician for 6 yrs before my first son was born and I decided to be a SAHM. When he was about 6 months old I began to have some difficulties with being at home all day and having limited interaction with adults. I tried to keep my thoughts to myself because I felt guilty for wanting a break when some people long to be at home with their kids. I guess I just started to get stir crazy. I broke down into tears one evening and my husband ended up rearranging his schedule so I could go to work one day a week while he stayed home with our son. It was a positive move for all parties involved. I got a break from the diapers and crying, my husband got some 1-on-1 time with our son, and my employer was happy to have me back. Even having one day a week to myself was enough to get my sanity back. The extra cash didn't hurt either! =)
I don't think your desire to get back into the workforce is selfish at all. I agree 100% with you that it would be a positive thing for both you and your daughter. The fact that you have been there with your daughter for 3.5 yrs is a wonderful thing! Many parents don't have the ability to depend on one income so you are quite lucky to have had that time with her. Now that your daughter is interested in playing with other children, I think it would be an opportune time to take advantage of her newfound confidence and help to prepare her for kindergarten. Kids can learn a lot from other children. I have recently had my 2 yr old playing with his cousins more often and he has suddenly started talking more clearly and knows more words. I think your daughter can gain a lot from playing with other children at daycare as long as you find a center that you feel comfortable with.
I would maybe try to sit down with your husband and explain all of the reasons you feel that the change will be a positive thing. Remind him that your daughter's best interest is what is most important. Allow him the opportunity to voice his reasons against it and see if he has any alternative approaches. I hope there is some way you two can come to a mutual decision that will encourage your daughter's social development.
Best wishes!
I have been a SAHM for a little more than 3 1/2 years now. I have two boys - 3 1/2 and 18 months. I am getting ready to return to work. Our reasons are mostly financial, but also I am ready. I went to college and earned a degree and I worked in my career prior to having children. When I had my son, I instantly became a SAHM. I have really enjoyed being home with my boys, but I also feel like I have lost a part of myself. I am ready to find that part again. I would like to not have to put my boys into care full time, but right now with our financial situation I probably will. I am spending a lot of time searching for daycare that would meet their individuals needs. So, where am I going with this. Yes, I feel guilty about going back to work and the interesting thing is that some of the people I know who are SAHM are making indications that I should be still staying home. My older son is very hesitant about going to school. He is not shy like your daughter, but he is very cautious when he approaches new situations. He is anxious to play and interact with other kids and I cannot always take him to play groups (i.e., if the baby is napping, etc.). I feel he has outgrown what I can offer him. I cannot teach him how to interact with other kids, or take instruction and follow directions from someone other than his dad and I. These are things he can only learn in a school setting away from me. If your husband is hesitant, make sure you really check out the preschools and find one you like. In my search I am finding that price is definitely not the only thing that matters. I actually take my older son with me when I visit the schools to see how he reacts to the environment. If he is curious and looks around, I know this might be a good place for him. We went to one place and he stuck like glue to my leg, I couldn't even walk - he is definitely not going there. Have your husband go with you to check out some of the centers and spend some time watching the daily acitivities. If you cannot go together, have him go on his own. Involving him in the process might help ease his concerns.
As for you, do not feel guilty about wanting to get back out there in the workforce. I was feeling that way, but I am accepting that I will be a better person for my family and for me if I rediscover that part of myself. Also as you have said you can "give more of yourself" after your workday is over. By the end of the day, I am often worn out after chasing after my boys, I don't feel like they get quality time with me. A little time away from each other during the day will enhance the bond, I believe (remember the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Good Luck. K.
You've mentioned several legitimate reasons for wanting to use daycare part time. What are your husband's reasons for wanting you to stay home full-time, besides "he just wants it?"
