My 15 year old daughter made her HS varsity cheerleading squad this spring, and this summer at practice they had tryouts for the competition squad which will compete in regionals. My daughter came home devastated she didn't make it, she is an alternate. I am so confused as to why she didn't make it. She is very talented at cheer, has a round-off backhandspring tuck/was voted best dancer last year for the entire UCA Cheer camp, and in fact was named two times to the UCA All American team (a cheer honor that only two other girls on her squad last year made), and was one of two JV cheerleaders who were freshman. Just two months ago at her banquet she was voted by her own squad to be "most talented JV cheerleader". Of the four alternates, two who have no tumbling, and one has poor tumbling skills . She is beyond devasted. She feels like the coaches put their favorites on the squad (she is new to the squad this year). She now practices on the side while she watches the rest of the team learn the routine, seeing girls who made it sometimes landing on their knees with their backhandsprings, and struggling with learning the dance. I had her go talk to the coaches the day after she was cut as at her age I want her to learn to stand up for herself and these will be the coaches of her high school cheerleading experience so she needs a good relationship. They told her "well, you are good at tumbling, cheers, dance and jumps, but you need to work on basing." and "you have two more years, your only a sophomore" but did thank her at least for talking to them in person and not having her "mom" call and yell at them. So...here is the problem with that comment...three other sophomores made the team, two of which have inferior tumbling skills that were on the freshman, not JV squad. The new assistant coach is last year's freshman coach so she would be familiar with these girls, one in particular is her "pet." And, my daughter never had the chance to "base" for them even though she was a succesful base on her JV team all last year (but her JV coach is no longer there to vouch for her). The first practicen these coaches asked her to try "flying" for the very first time, so that is the skill she has been doing at practice, because she was trying to be accomodating and a good team player to her new coaches. Now she is "back-up" flyer and has no chance of "improving" basing as that is all they have her doing. It is crazy and unfair. There are three "flyers" in the routine, two are seniors, and my opinion is they are grooming her to replace these girls, but doesn't an "understudy" still perform in the play? Should I chalk this up to hard life lessons, or should I get involved? Everyone I tell that my daughter won't be competing with her team this year reacts with shock and disbelief. Her tumbling coach (who coaches many of the other girls) even told me, that is unbelievable. Basing is not hard to teach, the tumbling skills she has isn't. She is so sad but is tying to keep a good attitude, and plans to just treat every practice like a tryout to show them what they are missing out on.
Of course, this is all not making me feel any better!! I have held back at contacting the coach because these are young coaches (mid-20s) who seem pretty immature. Other people say I should contact the Athletic Director. I don't know about that. I am not a complainer mom, have never contacted these coaches about a problem, but obviously others have and I don't want my daughter labeled that way. I'd love to know what the coach's explanation to me but I doubt they'd be honest. This really sucks. Any advice is appreciated.
I thought I'd give an update on this. Things have not gotten any better for my daughter. The team is gearing up for competition, meanwhile my daughter and three alternates come to practice twice a day and literally SIT and watch. They do no practicing with the team. There is no opportunity to get better or "treat a practice like tryouts" because all she does is SIT. The coaches told them their roll is to be good "supporters/cheerleaders" for their squad.
Someone did get hurt, and they called up a senior alternate who doesn't even tumble. My daughter was actually okay with this, as she knows this girl is a good base and she knows as a senior she's never been able to perform with her team (she's been an alternate three years). Meanwhile my daughter cheers them on during practice and tries to have a good attitude but then comes home frustrated and sad and saying she is not doing cheer next year. At practice she watches the coaches go over and over the dance with girls who struggle with it and still sees girls land on their knees doing simple standing backhandsprings. Coming from an athleteic background, she doesn't understand why she isn't given a chance still, when she can do these skills easily. She feels like no matter how good she is, it doesn't matter and both her ambition to get better at cheer and her self confidence are suffering. I tell her it doesn't matter, she'll have a chance next year, she KNOWS she is talented, but it is very hard.
Let it go. It happens and it's a part of life. Her day will come when it is her time to have it happen.
Can you imagine how many moms have gone to the coaches because they think their daughter is better than the other ones??
And since cheerleaders already have the reputation of being spoiled little princesses, you would just be continuing the tradition! I say go for it!!
Good luck!!
I totally understand where you are coming from on this, but intervening will NOT make this situation any better. You need to stay out of it, let your daughter work the role she was given, and hope that she gets an opportunity to join the competition squad either this year (if someone has to drop out or gets injured etc) or next.
Sometimes we don't get what we want. We don't DESERVE a place on any team. The coaches have a certain number of flyers and bases they need and they are looking for a WINNING squad not necessarily one that showcases each girls individual tallents. That may seem unfair, but it's a TEAM That's a tough lesson to learn, but one she should get a handle on NOW (expect similar heartbreak when it comes time for college acceptance letters).
Also, please remember that competition squad have a set number of spots for a set number of roles. By demanding that they put your daughter on the squad, you are demanding that they cut a girl who has already made the squad... not to mention setting your daughter up to be disliked by her coach AND teammates.
Only contact the coaches if you want your daughter to be an outcast.
Have you heard the expression, "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child"? This is a very good opportunity to teach your child that the path will not always be rosy. There will be rocks, sticks and sometimes a huge tree will have fallen across it. I am so glad you had her go and talk to the coaches. That shows them that she is mature and doesn't have a complainer mom. Not every coach is perfect and sees the talent properly.
Sure, it isn't fair that the coaches has prior experience with other girls and has "favorites." Welcome to the real world. It isn't going to be fair - not today and not years from now.
Our kids were very involved in sports and sometimes had good coaches and sometimes not. But by high school, they were so mature in their handling of situations because we taught them how to deal with life's situations. In fact, our daughter was chosen her senior year to receive the "Sportsman of the Year" voted on by the basketball officials in our conference! I couldn't have been more proud of any award. This is what you want her to be remembered for and what you want to take pride in.
The most important thing is for your daughter to learn how to be a gracious with the outcome. Tell her that she will need to show her coaches that she is a team player, wanting to help whenever she can. Tell her that she needs to work hard so that she is the best alternate and will be called on when needed. Then if she is used, she can demonstrate her skills. Have her work hard on whatever she isn't the best at. Give her goals to try for.
And by all means, stop talking about this to anyone around your daughter. The more she hears you talk about how unfair it is, the bigger this will become in her own mind. She needs to accept it as a challenge and move on. She needs to learn that this is not the most important thing in her life (tough for a 15-year-old).
Remember, "Prepare your child for path, not the path for your child."
I have not reached this stage yet, but I am going to play devil's advocate so you can get perspective.
It is only her feelings that the coaches picked favorites. It is not based on any factual information.
All the information about who can tumble or base, or flip, also is all OPINION, not fact. I am sure the coaches know what is best for their cheer squad and competitions.
Chalk it up to life lessons unless you can come up with some proof.
Your daughters hurt and that can make it seem like there is some conspiracy.
Your daughter should be commended for her loyalty-I feel her time will come and she will be rewarded for her positive attitude and the hard work that has culminated into obvious talent and ability. If this is not the case-then she will have to decide if she wants to align herself with people who are petty, small and abusive.
This is the way I think about it. In the real world sometimes people chose favorites (bosses teachers ect) How many people have you've known that have been skipped over for promotion that really deserve it, and it goes to someone who isn't as good or doesn't work as hard. It sucks, but maybe that is the lesson your daughter should learn here, that sometimes life isn't fair.
I wouldn't say anything at this point. I would talk to your daughter and tell her that while you know she's disappointed (and so are you) she shoudlo realize that her hard work will pay off and that there are many factors that coaches consider when making their decisions. If she is that good, and they need an alternate, don't you think she'll be the first pick? Tell her to keep practicing, doing her best, and keeping a good attitude. Suggest that she go to the coaches and tell them that she respects their decisions and appreciated their feedback and ask them what she can do to work on her basing since she's only ever "flying".
She'll get better, they will know she's trying to improve, and hopefully her hard work will pay off. If not, she'll at least become the best that she can be. Life isn't always fair and sometimes you just got to suck it up and move on.
My son was an alternate for his team (wrestling tournaments) and twice got to step into the event. He could out wrestle the ones he was replacing, had a better attitude, work ethic, and dedication, and made weight EVERY time but kept losing wrestle offs to upper-classmen that season. At baseball tryouts he once hit every ball, caught or stopped every hit, and fielded the ball correctly...he or should I say we were not part of the group of "old friends" and kids that couldn't hit, catch, or field and had a bad attitude moved up because of whose kids they were. When we moved and we were in a new league, the new coaches didn't know him or that he could really do it all so they tended not to play him. When they were picking for all-stars, he never made it even though he was definately in the top 1/3 while a kid that rarely hit, would step away from a ball coming at him, and had a bad attitude did. Neither did the BEST player the league had so the coaches had to pick him separately and every kid said they picked that kid (reality was, they thought they had picked him because everyone knew he was the best but his name was not an English name and they didn't know how to spell it so they circled a different name thinking it was his).
Please please, teach your daughter to not get pulled into or start drama. This is a team and there is no room or time for this.
Maybe the coaches are putting together a team that not only are talented, but also some of the people that are leaders and team players..
Maybe it is due to grade levels. People that have earned their spots by having to wait their turn.
High school is for 4 years. There are only so many spots. The underclassmen no matter how good sometimes have to wait their turn.
Your daughters attitude about this situation, could make a huge difference.
If she is supportive and continues to excel this will be noticed.
Maturity in these situations goes a LONG way.
Instead of sulking and assuming, she should speak with the coach by saying. " I am really disappointed about not making this squad, but I would still like to help in any way possible so I can learn how to be a part of that team in the future."
We never know what may come.. A good attitude, can make a huge difference.
Hang in there. She will get the chance. Patience is a virtue. Maybe this is her lesson to learn right now.
Sounds like your daughter is pretty awesome and the team is missing out, coaches are people and they don't always make right decisions.
I think your daughter needs to realize that sometimes we just dont get what we want even when we know we deserve it. Time will fix this. Sounds like she has a great attitude already by treating practices like tryouts, have faith that HER day will come.
She is in the right position now to show what being a "good sport" is all about. Her attitude will set an example for others.
My daughter will be a Senior this upcoming year and is Varsity Captain of the team. Only Seniors are Varsity at our school and only Juniors at JV. This is Sr high school which is only 11-12 grades. The high school is 9-10 grades.
You could go above the coaches heads and when you do, they will know it. Basically all the AD director can do is show you your daughter's scores, not where she ranked among the group, etc.
I know the pain when something like this happens but you have to teach your daughter to keep her head held high and do her best. Coaches will be watching her, she has 2 more years to be on their team. The coaches very well could be grooming her. This is a time for daughter to shine and show leadership. The coaches may see that maybe they made a wrong decision but that decision is made and if you fight, argue, etc about it you will get nowhere except that you and your daughter are maybe not worth the annoyance for continuing school cheer in the future. (NOT saying you are an annoyance.... but some parents are)
Remember the saying... no matter how many battles you fight, you ultimately want to win the war.
In 9-10 grades, there was a girl on daughter's team who flat out refused to base. Her mom even went as far as the directors to say, "my daughter is a flyer" and that is all she'll be. Well, when tryouts came around for Sr. high school....... she did not make the team
This year, we had 12 girls on JV. It was a complete shock when 3 current cheerleaders did not make the Varsity squad. Those girls have turned into the ugliest, rude, obnoxious behavior that all 3 have been called in for disciplinary action. All 3 moms have been fighting the school wanting to re-do the entire tryout process. In the end, it appears that the decision that was made at tryouts was a good one.
A HUGE part of being on the squad ia being a team player and willing to step in at any point to base, fly, etc. without attitude.
I know your daughter is hurting from this. We have been through big disappointments as well. We learn and grow from those disappointments. Don't dwell on them... that does no good for you or your daughter. Move on with a good attitude and show the coaches that you are a team player. Don't fight this battle and be so geared up for a win right here, right now.
As for your coach comment... I would not be so quick to judge them because they are in their 20's. Instead of judging them ( granted, you are mad at them right now).. Get active with the group.. Go to games, communicate with coaches and get to know them and then base your opinion if you feel they are immature and dishonest after you know who they really are.
I know this is tough but it is not a battle worth fighting right now. When schools make a decision, they stand by it and 1 parent is not going to change their mind.
Best wishes to you and your daughter for a successful year.
Sounds like you have to make some hard decisions. Either you speak up and point out the coaches' inconsistencies and tell them that they are playing favorites and risk your daughter being marginalized for the rest of high school, or you teach her the ugly and hard lesson of playing these coaches' games.
That's a painful lesson and promotes inequality and the same treatment to young cheerleaders coming up through the ranks. However, she will probably get her chance next year if she sucks up to them, and by the time she is a senior, she'll be at the top.
I guess I would say that speaking out would be what would make you feel better, for a little bit, that is. The problem is that with the way things really are, it wouldn't do any good. These coaches aren't going to change their tactics, and your daughter will still only be an alternate, AND they won't let her succeed as punishment for you standing up to them.
Blows, I know.
Dawn
1) Nope!!! Understudies often never perform.
2) the coaches are doing your daughter a favor on several counts
- Allowing her to improve weak areas (basing, flying)
- Having her in close proximity to the best performers / for making friends with & practicing with
- Not committing social suicide
Unfortunately this may be just one of life's hard lessons she needs to learn. Yes right now she feels like she is being treated unfairly right now but you may just have to let her deal with it. If you confront the athletic director or coach all you are doing is sending up red flags for your daughter and since they make the decisions about the team it could potentially damage her opportunities for the squad in future years. I know it isn't fair but that is unfortunately how it works sometimes. What I recommend your daughter do in order to improve on the skills they would like her to improve on is have a few friends on the squad go with her after practice. Outside of practice and explain to the coach that she would love the opportunity to learn more of the skills they say she needs to improve upon and she would be willing to work on it outside of practice if the coach will help. Any decent instructor will be willing to meet with her even once a week to do this.
Here I am and this brings back cheerleading tryouts for me forty five years ago. Still hurts. Same reasons. I was very agile, able to tumble, fall, flip, fly whatever, scream yell shake and did not make the squad. I was not cool and I was not in the cool crowd. It devastated me. And do I wish my mother would have gone to bat for me? Yes.
I did become cheerleader at my all girl highschool. Fun as it was it wasn't the same as cheering on the boys at grammar school football.
yes, there are pets and favorites and just plain nasty grownup children masquerading as adults. Sounds like a very serious case of grown up jealousy quite possibly threatened by your daughter's talent and skill. Now there are still adults who are fair and wonderful, but what it sounds like is that and I ask you, please do step in. For me forty five years ago. Still hurts.Can't believe it. And I would demand a good reason with all of the facts you have given it is really not fair. Yes, go to the athletic director. Nip it in the bud so it doesn't hurt other girls who are lined up waiting.
No don't get involved. This is where learning that life will treat you unkind but you must get up, do your best, never quit, do what you love. Knowing she did her absolute best and not waiting for someone elses recognition and being satisfied with that should be enough.
Go ahead and contact them...be very nice and do it from a "we want to improve" perspective...tell them what you wrote here and see what they say.
My first thought is that it is her age, she has several years ahead of her to make this team. Then I was thinking about her skills and what you said about the practices. They may very well be grooming her and seeing how she does with disappointment and struggles.
I would perhaps, in casual conversation, ask for a meet with the "judges" and tell them she is trying to refine her skills some and would love their expert advice. That she needs to know what she should be working on the most, where she needs the most improvement. They may feel flattered that you are asking them and they may even offer unsolicited advice like "You know we debated about her and decided to make her an alternate because.....if that had been just the tiniest bit better we would have picked her outright". You may get the information you want but in a backhanded non confrontational way.
These people have the ultimate power over her future on this squad, they have ego's that need to be stroked and built up, making them think you are the best, least gripey, cheer mom ever can only help her.
