How Would You Respond to This?

She's just embarrassed about how she left the house wouldn't you be. You could email her back and say that now that it is clean enough for humans they should take the time to visit this once loved home. ok, that may be a little mean.

If you want to continue spending time there email him back thanking him, just ignore her.

Yuck.

I wouldn't respond, and I wouldn't go back to the house because it will probably cause more problems. My husband would have a FIT if I ever e-mailed his sister anything like that. It sounds like the BIL allows that sort of thing to happen, so this is why I think it's a bad idea to go back there.

Hi L.-

I would have your hubby forward the e mail to HIS brother...and ask..."What's up with this?"

And have brothers do the communicating...

Best luck!
michele/cat

I think I'd respond "I'm so sorry! DH asked BIL if we could move some things around and of course we wanted to clean up after ourselves and BIL said to do what we wanted. I did throw away some food that had rotted in the refrigerator and clean the shelves where the food had gotten them dirty bc I assumed you wouldn't want the food anymore. Do you want me to replace it? Just let me know - no problem. We really really appreciate your letting us stay there. It's such a great house."

Not sure how she can defend that she's upset you threw away rotten food and if she harps on you cleaning the other stuff, she has to then acknowledge there was junk lying all over.

btw- do you know how your husband phrased it to your BIL? Guys might have no tact and say "geez - the house is disgusting. Can we clean it?" If BIL repeated that word for word, she likely got defensive...

And are you on generally good terms with your SIL? Maybe she was having a bad day. I wouldn't necessarily never stay there again depending on how you usually get along... Maybe just give a gift next time instead. :)

Honestly, it sounds like there is something more to it. I don't mean that YOU aren't being straight, I mean it sounds like there is something going on with the house (and/or your in-laws) that you aren't privy to.
I mean, who up and leaves their home (only an hour away) with food still in the refrigerator/freezer and dirty towels and mail lying around? For SIX YEARS? I can't IMAGINE anyone doing that. Someone who was evicted maybe... but someone who owns the property, didn't have some traumatic event occur that precipitated the move, and is only an hour away where they could easily go back one weekend and clean out/close up the house?
And then, supposedly, knowing this is the condition (because the husband goes periodically to check on it?) they invite family to come use it?? And who moves out and leaves their mail scattered all over? They shouldn't still be receiving mail there... so that stuff would (you would THINK anyway) be tossed.

That is just not normal. Really... something is very odd about all of that.

I think I'd let my husband deal with his brother and otherwise ignore the email from the SIL. Maybe let your husband forward it to his brother with a brief note that you guys didn't intend to step on any toes... sorry it seems to upset her so much. And then let it go. You said she "flew off the handle at " him already. How are you privy to that? Was there more explanation from the brother (assuming that he is the source of your knowledge that the SIL flew off the handle at him)?
Let hubby say "hey man, sorry" to his brother, and let the rest go without reply.
And I wouldn't stay there again.

I'd email back, "of course we cleaned. We cleaned up after ourselves, after using it. We didn't want to leave our mess behind for you or whoever else wants to stay there next. We really appreciate the opportunity to stay there- our stay was lovely and we think you've done a great job with the place. I apologize if we left anything out of place after our stay".

Then I'd never stay there again. SIL sounds too difficult. Not worth it.
She sounds kinda crazy. had they really not stepped foot on the place since 2006? She probably had no idea how bad it was.

How did she know how much you cleaned? She either KNEW how ridiculously unsanitary it was left, in which case she is weird for admitting she liked it that way, or there were some comments made (either by you or your BIL) that drove the point home and made her feel like crud.

Take the high road. You never know what nerve this touched in your SIL. Her response may really have little to do with the cleaning, but is likely related to some other more personal issues she's dealing with. Probably a bit ashamed, guilty, etc. for allowing the place to remain in such a state for so long.

Allow her some dignity with just a quick response. Maybe something like this:

"Mary, So sorry to have upset you. We truly meant no offense and were very greatful to you for allowing us to stay at your beach house. We had a wonderful time there. Please accept our apologies."

Or whatever similar wording you might use.

Really, you were not at all in the wrong and actually did a nice thing for them, but this is nothing to cause a family war over.

Hope this helps.

J. F.

Just respond that you were trying to show your appreciation by cleaning a bit.

Sounds like she was having an off day and took your cleaning to mean something else.

I wouldnt respond. She feels bad because you saw the mess they left.
Let your husband and his brother decide whether or not you guys use the house for getaways now and then. Leave SIL out of it.
They didnt leave any "personal" belongings in the place I assume?
She is probably mad at her husband for allowing you guys to go there without discussing with her first so she could decide to clean it up or even let you guys use it. One of those "failure to communicate things" That's my guess.

I bet she didnt know how dirty the house was, thought her hubby had left it clean and cant figure out what you were talking about. the problem is probably between the husband and wife. He's been checking on the house, not her, she would assume there was no rotting food! He may be covering up his negligence, making you sound like an anal clean freak who complained about a spec of dust! Give her the benefit of the doubt, she didnt know, ask your husband what the H he said that was described as " all the negativity" God knows what was said from your husband to his brother to his wife, you could have ended up sounding like a big B! Respond acting like you cleaned up after yourselves, and thank her again for the use of the house.

Hubby needs to deal with his bro on this. She was having a bad day - if you hadn't cleaned, something bad, like rodents, could have happened.

Ha! Crazy. I'd just respond sweetly and say 'thanks so much for letting us stay at your house! We had a wonderful time' and leave it at that. Don't even mention the cleaning. She was either embarrassed that she left it looking like a hell hole or perhaps misses the place and was a little miffed that someone else was enjoying it.

You asked for permission to clean the house, and were given it. If your SIL has a bone to pick, it should be with her husband, not with you. I don't think I'd go back to the house, either. But I wouldn't take the e-mail message personally; I'd let SIL's problems stay *her* problems.

I agree the brothers need to discuss this. Since your husband asked his brother for permission to clean, then he needs to remind him of this!

I don't think I would want to know what that house would look like if it hadn't been cleaned in 6 years in the state you had found it! Yuck!

I assume you didn't pay them to have stayed their 6 years ago. I think cleaning would have been a good compensation or "thank you" in return for use of the house.

If you want to use the house again, tell her you really appreciated the opportunity to stay there and meant nothing negative. You love the place and thought you were doing something nice for them.

Sounds kind of weird that she would want moldy food to stay there 6 years later. Are you sure someone else hadn't used the house in the mean time?

I'd just leave it alone. She got her vent out. No need making things worse. You are still family. Just don't stay in the house again.

I think you made her feel bad by cleaning. It was kind of an acknowledgement that the house was dirty and she was probably embarassed.

It sounds to me like she was embarrassed. Plain and simple.

Some people get very offended if you try to help them clean. They take it the wrong way.
However, whenever I stay at someone's house, I always help tidy up. If my sister has had a bunch of people over for a holiday, I help with the dishes, vacuum, help put things away. Her house isn't dirty, by any means, but I always help when I stay with her. The same with my mom or even friends I stay with. It's just my nature.

She may have felt you were invading her "territory" even though you had permission. I don't know why people have to get so weird about things, especially when your heart is in the right place.

It really sounds like more of a territorial thing to me. It's sad she can't just appreciate the help in return for you staying there.

Best wishes.

Hey. you ASKED for permission to clean before you cleaned, and you received it.
You can respond by telling her your BIL gave you the go ahead and she should take it up with him.
It's not your fault that, as far as your BIL's marriage goes, one hand does not know what the other is doing.
(It sort of makes me wonder what the wife is afraid you'll find during the course of the cleaning.)
It comes down to - the property is your BIL's too and he can give permission about who stays there and what guests can do.
So can she for that matter.
If they are squabbling amongst themselves, it has nothing to do with you.
If the headache isn't worth it, a hotel makes for a nice vacations and you don't have to clean up before you can start having fun.

Jill T nailed it! Her response is awesome. I would just copy & paste and send. Basically, I think your SIL is embarrassed you had to clean HER house. But the way Jill states it, she in no way can get defensive or offensive about it in her response back.

I would not let it go..you covered your bases and now she is embarrassed. She needs to understand her husband told his brother all was ok. That's the end of it. Period. She needs to take this up with her husband if she doesn't like it.

Ditto to michele/cat's suggestion.

You did nothing wrong. Heck, I might be a little (or a lot embarrassed) if you cleaned up my mess, but I would deal with that issue with myself and Thank you profusely for a job I probably should have done. I agree with others that have said your husband should handle this with his brother though. If he is unwilling to do so than drop it, if pressed say something along the lines of Shannon R's post.