How Do You Handle Awkward In-law Relationships?

No need to overthink this or try to "build" a relationship. It's not like you'll be seeing him frequently since he lives out of state, so there is no great need to do anything but be polite and cordial.

Let his reaction/response to you (or lack thereof) be a non-issue. Over the years, he'll likely come around and be more accepting and friendly.

Simple as that, unless there is more to the story.

J. F.

I handle all awkward personal and professional relationships the exact same way: with civility. I'm polite. I keep my contact limited and my comments few. Just move on P.. You life is too full to mull over this one.

If he lives in a different state and you don't see him for years on end, I don't know what kind of relationship you need to have with him. It's not that you don't exist, but most men don't form relationships with their brothers' wives who live out of state. The contact will usually be between the two men, or between their wives if they both have them. Most women don't have a lot of independent contact with their husbands' brothers, especially when they aren't local and you don't see them all the time. In your case, it IS awkward and you should treat him like your husband's out of state brother who you've only met once.

i agree with Julie. doing ANYthing at this point would just make the situation worse. don't overthink it. no need for you two to have any kind of relationship. if/when those family get togethers come around, hold your head up, be friendly and NON-awkward, and rise above. let him act how he wants to act. as long as he's not being outwardly hostile i don't see an issue. of course it's wierd. and remember, you've ONLY been with his brother for 3 years. that's really not long at all. give it some time and take care of you, and don't worry how he acts or doesn't act. act, yourself, as though he is the non-issue that he is. otherwise you will create family drama that isn't there. for your husband's sake, keep it a non-issue.

i may be reading too much into it, but it sounds as if there's a part of you that wants to build a relationship with him in more ways than one.
if that's not the case, let it go.
actually, either way, let it go<G>.
the only way to make it MORE awkward is to keep prodding at the issue.
sounds as if your BIL has the best idea for making the situation work.
khairete
S.

You are all family now. That was a long time ago. Treat him as you would any other family member. Everyone is an adult now.

let it go. You're thinking way toooo much on this subject.

If you didn't have that previous relationship with him, then he wouldn't be "connected" to you anyway. All communication would be with his brother....as it is now.

10 years have passed, & honestly, you need to let go & just put it all in the past. Nothing that happened between you should be allowed to affect today's world....unless your dumping him & marrying his brother was considered "down & dirty" by all involved.

Sooo, nosy question: did you go straight from one brother to the other....or was there someone else in between. The answer to this question does seriously impact the dynamics of your post/our responses. :) BUT, if it was all "above board", then all should be well....

EDIT: WOW! Talk about totally changing the posted question!

You said yourself that it was "nothing serious" so I don't know why it would be awkward. I'm thinking that you think it might be awkward because you had serious feelings for him and perhaps still have some of those feelings?

I have not been in this type of relationship, but I do have in-laws that would like to ignore that I am married to their brother. I treat them with love and respect. I feel that they are a part of my husband's life. I don't understand their behavior yet I feel it isn't going to do me any good to treat them poorly. It only reflects poorly on me. I invite them to events and if they don't respond or don't show I don't get bent out of shape. I am kind to them when I do see them and try never to speak poorly of them. I guess in the end I feel it is more important that I act respectful than to be respected. I would just treat him like I would want to be treated and pray that someday there could grow a friendship.

If he is "ignoring you", then there literally is nothing you need to do. He lives in another state. Unless you feel like he is deliberately avoiding your brother because of you, then leave things alone, and just be nice when he's around, but don't "do" anything about this. You can say to your brother "I hope your brother isn't avoiding us because of me or anything" or you could send a note to the brother saying, "This may go without saying, but I hope there is no weirdness between us and I'll always be happy to see you.." or whatever.

But it sounds like you may be over-thinking this. What do you mean he's hell bent on ignoring you? Do you keep trying to get him to acknowledge you? If not, then he may just be busy. Guys are MUCH different than women.

He may not be over you breaking up with him, OR he may just not like you that much as "that chick from the past who broke up with him" OR he may not care at ALL anymore, so he's not reaching out, just like he wouldn't to ANYONE married to his brother, if he's not the super friendly type.

For what it's worth, I have no contact at all with any spouses of my siblings other than if I see them face-to-face randomly at family gatherings. Which isn't often at all since they live out of state. I don't FB them or email them or anything. Why would I?

There is no one way to handle this. Ideally, you all get along fine. If he's awkward with you, and never comes around, you shouldn't really "do" anything about it unless your husband asks for your help.

***K, um, my answer is too long now that you cropped most of your question out :-0!

I say, leave well enough alone.

If you reach out to him and try to seek closure, you may put things at risk with your husband. You may open Pandora's box. You could end up in a very sticky situation. If he feels cheated out of love, he may come on to you, and then what?

Have you n your husband talked about his behavior toward you? Surely your husband is aware.? Does he feel that you should try to make more of an effort with his brother?

What are you wanting from him? Do you need closure? Do you think he needs closure with you? Are you wanting his blessing? I think these are all questions you should be asking yourself.

After talking with your husband, you will know what direction to go.

And for the most part, I think you may have the standard in law relationship. I mean, I know a lot of my friends, myself included, don't have the best in law relationship. Those who have a great relationship, with all of their in laws are truly blessed. But I hardly think that is the norm.

Best of luck to you

Teen who considered someone the "love of their life"? "So I ended up with HIS last name"? How did it end? Sort of sounds like you settled for his brother to get HIS last name? "Don't want it to be awkward"? I think that ship has sailed.

As another mama suggested...there's more to this story.

I don't see why you wouldn't build an in-law relationship with your brother-in-law. As long as it's not a secret and your husband is aware that you dated his brother I don't really see a problem. :-) Talk with your husband about it, ask him how he feels, and see if he thinks there need to be any boundaries such as discussions about the past relationship in front of family and the children especially if you slept with your brother-in-law (that reads so crass, but obviously he wasn't your BIL at the time).

Mindy has it exactly right.

I don't have any relationship with any of my wife's siblings except through her.

Good luck to you and yours.

Ten years is a long time and people grow and change. You are now married to his brother and he has no interest in you. Treat him as you would any other family member politely and be done.

Whatever you had is over so let it be. Remember you can't go back only forward. Why hurt your immediate family over this one person? No good will come of it if you make an issue of it.

Enjoy what you have and be happy in your life.

The other S.

I agree with Mindy.

As for the awkwardness, you had seen him 1 time since he left. He was probably unsure of how things would go, how you would react to him, etc. All normal.

I'm sorry some of the answers below are completely innapropriate and RUDE! Some people feel that because we're online they can just say anything. I think that if you have been with your husband three years already and still havent seen his brother than there is really nothing to worry about! Maximum you will see him like two days a year for holidays. So just be friendly and polite and don't worry about it too much! :)

I agree to let it go. I think you are looking for more than it should be. I knew my exe's brothers but I would not have fb'd them or think to reach out to them. Men arent like we are. Don't make yourself crazy and then stirring the pot up.

I would follow his lead. Sounds like his heart may have been broken by you and he is not over it. Also, maybe he and brother has always competed and his trophy was stolen from him. STICKY!

I'd talk to your DH. You say he's your soulmate, so he should be able to discuss this with you. "DH, I've been thinking about how to handle your brother. I want to be cordial to him and I want him to be a good uncle to our children, but he seems opposed to the idea of having anything to do with me." See what he says. Maybe it will help for him to speak to his brother man to man.

My mother dated my uncle before she dated my dad in high school. It makes for a cute story when the family is sitting around together. I've never noticed any sort of bitterness or tension at all, and they are married to other people - they have a good in-law relationship, and are friends. I think that you're over-thinking this - he's your husband's brother, which is your primary relationship to him. Approach him that way, and the rest will be fine.

P.S. Reading some of these other answers, I wonder if you edited your question? If not, I'm not getting the subtext that others are implying at all.

Do you build a relationship with him? Of course. He's your brother-in-law. What that relationship looks like it entirely up to the three of you. If your husband is COMPLETELY aware of the extent of your relationship and it's not uncomfortable for him, then move forward with whatever level of interaction is appropriate for your circumstances. If your husband is even a "little bit in the dark" about the relationship, then come clean and go from there.

You haven't seen him in 10 years, which (at least to me) begs the question "Was he at your wedding?" If so, then you've already tackled the first encounter. If not, why not?

Personally, I would act as though nothing is out of the ordinary because you don't see him all that often.