How Would You Proceed from Here?

Chances are she will keep hearing this again and again from other parents, teachers and coaches. Chances are she will ALWAYS blame her child's bad behavior on others. Chances are he will continue said behavior and as he grows older and the stakes get higher he will become increasingly more out of control and it will be harder for her to blame anyone else but herself and his father. Chances are she will still blame others because by then it will be too late to change him and she will know, deep inside, it's all their fault.
Been down a similar road before, friendship is great but family is greater!

If you like her, just make it a kids free friendship. Meet for coffee or lunch and leave the kids out of it.

I'd be mad too. And I'd not respond at all because it isn't worth your time and energy. Your friend is trying to make herself feel better by implying the problem must be with YOUR son. You were guests at her home. Your son was hurt, respeatedly and deliberately. A better friend would just say "I'm very sorry" Anyway, the end result is the same for your son whether she says it or you say it, your child will not be subjected to being hurt any longer. Time to hang out with some better friends and let this one go.

I have friendships like this too. I do stuff with her when the kids are in school! It is pretty easy. We meet for lunch, go to the craft store, etc...don't do a play date, way too stressful. It is sooooo much more fun to spend time without the little ones too.

Make a plan to get together and do something structured the first time or two. That way there won't be time for much discussion of how the boys play together.

Maybe her son doesn't do this with anyone else. Maybe your son says something to start the whole thing, who knows. My grandson goes off for the slightest little tiny thing so I am constantly having to grab him and make him go to a child and say sorry, then go the their mom or dad and apologize.

There are just some people that rub us the wrong way and no matter what is said or done we interpret it as something offensive. I tend to hold on to my "mad" when it's hubby. I can still be mad at him for something days later and anything he says or does I tend to find the negative of. Not fair to him of course but I am working on it.

In regards to what she is saying...let it go and go with your gut. Let the friendship go. Whatever the case may be, your son and hers do not get a long well.

My thoughts are to let her find comfort by deluding herself with the idea that her son is provoked by yours. I have had this experience with a friend and we ended up ending our friendship because her son was so violent!

I totally understand how you feel. I am sorry this is happening to you and your son. I hope she comes to her senses!

Interestingly, I had a similar scenario with one of my good friends a few years ago. Our kids were a bit older (7 and 8 vs 4) so the behaviors they brought out in each other were a bit different. However, we - both my husband and I and my friend and her husband - all observed that for some reason the combination of their son and my son was a bad combination for their behaviors. Their son was very much a leader and instigator of BAD ideas and my son was more than willing to carry out the bad ideas because his friend thought of them. I had seen and interacted with their son on an individual basis while my kids were not around and he was a very nice, mild mannered child. I knew my son - same thing - but when they got together...it was just BAD. So, we worked together as parents to closely monitor all play time - inside and out - and at the first sign of any inappropriate behavior we put an end to the play time and regrouped to our own spaces.

Maybe if you ever get a chance to see her son interact with other children when your child is not present, you will see a different side. If I had not seen this other little boy - on NUMEROUS occasions - interacting with other kids, I would have just thought he was the bad seed. And - my friend would have thought the same thing about my son. All we knew was that for whatever reason - they were like children neither of us had ever seen before when they were together.

We have since all moved to different parts of the country and I am still - 2 years later working some of the "habits" that my son picked up from the other child out of him. It is a process. It is very likely that my friend is stll working some things that her son picked up from mine out of her child. Yes, she and I are still friends and we do keep in contact with one another - Yes, although I miss coffee with my friend, I am very glad that we are not geographically close enough that our kids can get together and hang out. If you think about it, there are probably some people in your life that you have decided - as an adult - that they were not "good" for you to hang out with because of how you interacted. I know I can.

I hope you and your friend can work through this and retain your friendship. I think you are right to keep your son safe. I think there are many valuable lessons that can be learned - even at the age of 4 - from this experience - but I will not insult you and start naming them off - you obviously care about your son and his well being based on what you have written.

Good Luck,
T.

If I where you I would not persue the friendship. Your son does not deserve that. I had a friend that her son was like that at first to my son but when she found out he was she would get onto him. A true friend is going to care about your child just like he was her own. She treated all our kids the same. But have had others that did not and I don't have anything to do with them cause i am not going to make my child a victom. Like someone else said he will start school soon and she will learn what a little bully he is.

Good luck and God Bless!

I would take the free ticket out of the situation that she is offering. Just reply to her email by agreeing with her not to get together. (At least not with the boys.) Tell her you appreciated her apology for her son hurting yours and wish her and her son health and happiness.

I think you handled it really well. And were more than kind and generous in giving them a second chance.

I have had a few instances happen to my sweet son when he was three at the hands of another child in his Joy School Class (A preschool where moms take turns hosting and teaching in their home). Another boy hit/scratched him in the eye before knocking him down, and I ended up having to take him to the Emergency Room because his eye was actually scratched- a huge one right across the middle, and two small ones. It was treatable by medication, and thank heavens he was fine, but there has never been that feeling inside me of wanting to go off on the kid that did it- he was older, by about a year and a half, at the time, and his mom was apologetic, but there was nothing really, she could do. I did speak with the little boy and he was told that if he kept hurting kids, he would not be allowed back in the class.

I've also had another friend babysit my children so I could go to the dentist or something like that, and when I picked them up, they had been either neglected and been sitting in their poopy diaper, or once again, my oldest had been injured by her older son, who was at least 3 years older than mine. A scratch across the face from a toy that he hit him with. I have never left them with anyone else again, and never will. That sounds harsh, but my instances happened when I was gone, and yours while you were right there. If that other child is hurting your son right in front of you, who knows what he would do if you had your back turned.

And I'm sorry, but most children are not that aggressive unless he is being exposed to something that he shouldn't be. Like too much violent TV, or mom and dad are hurting him. I know that you liked being friends with this woman, but you have to protect your child, and I think the fact that she tried to pin this on your child just shows that they don't have much accountability in their home. If she can't even be accountable for her son's behavior, than why would her son understand what it is to be accountable for his behavior, also? I think your best bet is to just let that one go...I wish I had never left my son at either of those friend's houses. He would have one less scar on his beautiful face, and one less instance of pain that could have been prevented. I know that these things happen, and kids are tough. He doesn't remember either instance, but I'll never forget!

You are a better person that I. After the second round of marks I would have said something to her about the adults getting together for coffee without the kids.

How about finding a MOPS or something to go to? That might be a better fit for both of you.

She knows that her son has issues and she does not want to do anything about them. So she loses a friendship that was superficial. Not the kind you need when your children are young.

Just remember there are new friends coming around the corner. Go with your gutt feeling and let her go. Your child means more to you than being a punching bag.

The other S.

PS She will be the one dealing with child issues in school not you.

With all the hitting aside..because now that is not the problem...but boy did she use the right words when she emailed you...she turned it all around....and I would have been pissed too. Okay...so the ball is in your court. You are upset and now it the time to let the friendship go. I would just email back..."that is fine with me"!

I note the age of the boys right now, and believe me, when her son starts kindergarten (or preschool if he's not in it yet), she will find out the hard way that it's him, not just your son setting him off. But you can't tell her that now. It's a lesson she will have to learn when a teacher or parent (or couple of parents) come to her with the same thing: Her son is aggressive.

I agree with others: If you like her as an individual and would spend time with her even if, for instance, she did not have any children to play with yours, then keep up the friendship kid-free. She might really welcome that. Of course, doing so may be tough just now if you are steamed over her comment (and who wouldn't be?), so give it a little time and then invite her for coffee or whatever, sans kids on both sides. If you truly like her, you can get past the comment, maybe, if you just remind yourself that either her son will outgrow it --and she will totally forget what she told you -- or her son will be rough with other kids and she (maybe) will wake up and deal with it.

Please don't let these kids be together anymore. I think it's fine to spend time with the mom. In fact, I would want to. She will learn soon once her son is no longer around your son that he does indeed do stuff like this to other kids.

I don't want to give you a hard time, but you let this go on too long. It is not normal for a kid to do this to other kids. You are your children's advocate and you need to protect them from this kind of thing. Even from your friend's kid. This ISN'T a matter of them being "just kids". Her child has problems, and as long as she blames those problems on your child, she will not get him help.

I hope maybe that you will take the veil off your eyes and see this for what it is. You can show her friendship without putting your children together. Truly, she's given you an "out" so that you don't have to invite the child. And if she doesn't want to be with you, then that's her choice.

Dawn

It's like this sometimes. I try to be really honest with myself about the flaws my kids have (and they all have flaws - I mean they are still learning and all). It's harder for some moms. Especially when they are still pretty young. Sometimes it's hard to see that our kids aren't babies anymore.

When it's like that there really isn't any reasoning. I would just let it and this friend go for a time. She is defensive and probably hurt and embarassed and that's not your fault. Your own child is your first priority. If she comes around again and you feel like picking it up again, which you may not, suggest a park or playground and only for about an hour.

Some people don't discipline their child and teach how to be respectful human beings.

Just look at some of the other threads around here...

You have to let it go! Her son is her son and he will always come out on top. What kind of mother would she be if he were not more important than a friend?

Hopefully in time she will figure it out and give you a call. If she is too embarressted to call down the road better to let go now before this problem ends with a visit to the ER.

Are these boys going to be going to the same school? Something to think about.