The kids and I were outside this weekend. At one point our neighbor’s 8 y/o son, who is BFF with my DS, came out on his scooter. My kids were playing with sidewalk chalk.
About 15 min later, I get a text message from his Mom asking me if her DS was playing with my DS outside. I sent her a text saying “yes we are all out here and they are playing with sidewalk chalk” and in my mind thinking if she didn’t know where he was I can’t believe she didn’t come outside looking for him (beside the point). She sent a msg saying “O.K. just send him home when they are done playing”.
About an hour later I send her a text saying that I just gave them a 10 minute warning that we were going inside.
Ten minutes go by and her DS is going home when I see her walking out into the driveway looking very upset. She said some words to her DS who ended up running back inside crying.
Confused I called her to make sure everything was o.k. and she said “He knows he has to ask before going outside to play and he didn’t. He is grounded from going with you guys to the movies next weekend!” I was confused that she allowed him to play for an hour but then yelled/grounded him?
I just said that I wished she had told me that I would have sent him right home. She said that she didn’t come get him because they had already started playing.
Her and I have different discipline styles and I always keep my opinions to myself as we all have different parenting styles, but I really want to give her my thoughts on this as I feel she should have come right outside when she knew where he was and taken him right home. Her and I are great friends and even get together without the kids sometimes so I do feel close to her. We have given each other advice on the kids so many times, but I hate to ever tell her how to discipline and I don’t want to offend her either. I agree that her DS should definitely get a consequence for going outside without saying anything, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like she is sending him mixed signals by how she handled it this past wknd.
Would you have handled it this way?
TIA for giving me your 2 cents!! =-)
If it were my son I would have made him come right in, but if it were my friends son and she choose to handle it differently than I would have, I would keep my mouth shut because it would be none of my business.
I'm assuming the kids are fairly young and actually have NO CONCEPT OF TIME. That's why mommy let him go ahead and play and then did the punishment after he came in. It wouldnt have mattered if she busted him right away or let him play a bit, the bottom line was that he went out without her permission. He's lucky he did get to play a bit before getting in trouble :) I think she handled it okay.
Like you said, you have different parenting styles. You're great friends, so even though you may disagree with her, you obviously respect her as a person. There have been times when my kids got in trouble when they got home. A) You don't go without asking B) You don't go without asking C) You don't go without asking.
Even if it was right next door.
She obviously had a pretty good idea where her kid went, thus the text to confirm. She felt safe with where he was. Maybe she allowed him to play to give herself time to calm down and plan out her strategy for when you sent him home.
I've done that before.
You saw him go in the house crying because apparently she told him she was upset and he was grounded. What would you have thought if she came over and demanded in front of everyone that he go home and punished him in front of you?
For one thing, I don't think there's anything wrong with our children knowing that we get mad. For another thing, I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until our kids get home to discuss a punishment.
I don't think the child will be scarred for life by this incident.
I don't think you should interfere.
Just my opinion.
I see that you already have many responses but I would just like to point out a detail I think is very interesting. If I intend on grounding my son, I would NEVER wait an HOUR for him to finish playing before discussing it with him. For goodness sake, how sad for her son and how confusing! He gets to play outside with his best friend for more than an hour (w/o his mom ever even coming outside to check on him) and then gets in trouble for it after the fact?! What has happened to common sense parenting in this world?
Personally I have done the same thing. They have already started to play and considering that it will be the last "freedom" until _____, I let them enjoy it. Sometimes, it is just easier to let them continue and deal with the punishment later. As for the interaction with her son on the driveway, I would NOT consider it yelling as first off you didn't hear what she said to him. She could have just walked up to him and told him simply "Hope you enjoyed your fun. You broke the rules and now are grounded." That would have been enough to make a child cry.
Just remember like you said different styles of parenting/discipline.
To be honest, the only real problem I see with the situation is the fact that she yelled at him when he returned home...as far as her way of handling it, I think it's fine. I think it's the opposite of mixed signals actually...she states the rules and he either follows them or doesn't. If he doesn't there's a consequence. He's 8, so she doesn't need to chase after him to make her point. She knew he was safe and where he was, although he probably didn't know she knew, and she simply waited until the right time to tell him the consequence. She really shouldn't have yelled at him, just simply stated that he broke the rule and this is the consequence, but I'm sure she was frustrated and maybe had a lapse in judgement.
I wouldn't say anything. You may disagree and that's okay, but unless she asks for your advice or counsel, keep it yourself.
Frankly, it is NOT your child so you should not interfere with her parenting style unless it is physically or mentally abusing the child or placing the child in danger of some kind.
He disobeyed, she punished him, why is it you need to comment? It really isn't your call. You asked about it, and she responded with her reasoning. You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to respect it. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with what she did. She verified where he was, what he was doing, you were watching him, and she took a few minutes to get something done, or enjoy some peace and quiet for a few minutes. What exactly did she do wrong? The only mixed message is if you told the kid his mom knew where he was. In the future, you can always question the boy about permission, to help him remember the rules.
I would not say a word. What's done is done.
Maybe next time she sends you a text wondering where her son is, you can phone her and ask if he should be outside. If not, then send him in. Or if you see him outside and he asks to play, ask him if he asked his mom first.
her kids, her business, now if yall are friends, and yall talk about this stuff all the time, then thats different, but the fact that you are asking on here, makes me think yall dont talk about this kind of stuff probably for a reason.. So i would probably just mind my own
I wish I could tell my best friend how to parent, but they are her children and you cant. Unless the kid is in some sort of danger, I wouldnt put my 2 cents in.
I walked in my friends house at 9am last week, her two year old daughter was holding a sucker in one hand and a ringpop in the other. I looked at the baby and said "Wow your a busy girl." My friend responded with, "Haha Thats what she wanted". Ooook, whatever floats your boat. When she tells me that her kids dont sleep at night, do you know how bad I want to say its because they eat candy and drink soda all day?? But you cant, if you value the friendship. Sorry for rambling, but since you are neighbors and friends I would let it go.
While I agree that her behavior is confusing, it's her child, rules and family & I'd stay out of it.
You're a better judge as to whether your friend is open to your opinion.
I like Barbara Coloroso's guidelines on dicipline:
Reasonable, Respectful, Related, and Relayed in advance.
Not going to the movie next week is not related to going outside without telling mom. I also don't think it's reasonable and wasn't relayed in advance.
I think a better lesson would have been to help the 8 yr old realize he forgot to tell mom that he went outside without asking and then figure out how to make it right and also how to prevent it in the future. This, to me is teaching how to be more responsible in the future. Not going to the movies would seem to put the 8 yr old's focus on resenting mom for not being able to do something fun, or resenting himself for failing yet again.
I don't agree with how your friend handled the situation either. However, it is her kid, her rules, her punishment. I think you would be completely out of line to mention it to her. It is not your child and I know I personally cannot stand when another mother tries to tell me what is best for my son. It's a shame that your son suffers here since she's not allowing hers to go to the movies with him this weekend. However, hopefully her son will let his mom know where he's going next time and this won't be an issue. Of course, this is JMHO. Good luck with whatever you decide!
I would not say anything if I were you. The quickest way to lose a friend is to tell them how to parent their child. If you value this friendship, and want to remain friends then I would stay out of it.
I agree with you, but it sounds almost as if she didn't want to upset the fun you & your kids were having. Sometimes people do things that don't really make sense in trying to be nice.
It sounded to me like the she gave the excuse to ground him and so forth as a way to explain her son crying because he had to come back inside because his play ended early with his best friend. The fact that the M. didn't come out and text you that you should send them in after they are done playing sounds to me she was comfortable having him play and since you were there was hoping you could watch them a little longer while she did whatever she was doing. I might be wrong, but there might be more going on that you should clarify if you are close to her and know how she might be thinking.
MMMMMMM....... well I would not say anything. She is sending mix signals messages for sure. But I might wait until she brings it up.
Who's kidding who...she was happy to have him outside and out of her hair for a little while...that is why she put off yelling at him!! I wouldn't say anything about it. Maybe just mention next time grounding comes up how important that you think it is to carry through on punishments.
Maybe she need that hour to calm down, regroup, and decide his punishment for disobeying?
While I think you are right, she should have came and got him right then, I personally wouldn't say anything to her. If she follows through with the movie punishment I think he is old enough to think twice before doing it again as he is in the end losing a privilege.
She's ridiculous, Ignore her. I agree, she's the mom who should be enforcing her kid's rules, not you and not the child either. and it took her 15 mins to figure out he was outside? She is expecting her kid to remember his discipline and she gave him false hope and boundaries by allowing him to remain outside.
If you really feel comfortable with her and have that sort of relationship, by all means, ask her about it and ask her not to include you in the discipline either, b/c that is what she did, made you the fall back guy for allowing the playing. Tell her you put her in an uncomfortable position and that he was confused when she allowed him to stay outside. Otherwise, stay out of it.
