How Would You Handle This? - Springfield,IL

Her son is acting out because of the turmoil at home. He is angry, sad, and confused and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. Unfortunately, he is taking it out on your son. It sounded like the mom handled him when she saw him shove your son in the field, and that she didn't see what happened at the dance. So she isn't just letting him get away with whatever he wants to do, as far as I can tell from your post.

Now, for your friend herself... a good friend of mine is in a very similar situation (husband left, nasty divorce that's dragging on forever, suddenly single mom to two young kids). So, if your friend is anything like mine, here's my take on it: she is also angry, sad, and confused. She's going through what is most likely the worst thing she's ever gone through and she is miserable. She's probably scared. She's retreating into herself and cutting off contact with friends for several reasons:
1. She's too miserable to talk to anyone, even about the most benign topics
2. She knows she is a downer right now and doesn't want to bring others down
3. Other people's happiness and normalcy makes her feel even worse (even when nothign is being outright rubbed in her face)
4. She can't think about anything but the divorce and therefore can't talk about anything else, so she's not talking at all

There are so many reasons why she is retreating right now and I don't think any of them have to do with you directly. If you are currently in a happy marriage, it may be hard for her to be around you right now - not because of anything you're saying or doing, but simply because you're happy and she's not.

So, what can you do? Talk to her - not about your son's bullying and not about thinking she's mad at you. Just say that you notice she's been quieter lately and that you're always available to talk if she needs someone, no matter what she wants to talk about. Bring her dinner one night so she doesn't have to think about cooking for her kids. Offer to have her children over so she can have an afternoon to herself. Be a good friend to her, because that's what she needs right now.

My friend retreated for a long time. Our sons had been really close friends, but she didn't have my son over to her house for two full years - for several months before her husband moved out and for 1.5 years after. But, she eventually started talking to me more again and started having my kids over for play dates again (like you, our sons are very close and their younger sisters are very close). She just needed some space because she wasn't up to talking to anyone.

You did not screw up at all. My take on this is that she knows her son is acting out and your son is a target. She feels badly about it, and she doesn't know what to say to you right now. She knows it's because of the divorce and she's trying to handle it, but doesn't know what to say to you about it without sounding like she's making excuses for bad behavior. And she's overwhelmed with everything else going on in her life.

I suggest that you ask her if she'd like to go out for a girls-only dinner sometime - no kids. Don't talk about the interactions between the kids. If the interaction between the kids comes up, just say "It seems like they don't bring out the best in each other right now. That might change in the future, but for now, let's give them a break from each other." And while the kids are taking a break from each other and she's going through a tough time, just be a friend. Let her talk. If she doesn't want to talk, then you talk about the weather, about the new teacher at school, about the new haircut you are thinking of getting for the summer, or whatever.

Well, first of all, you seem to have a lot of pressure on yourself and kids to "count" on this mother-friendship group to still be a thing when your kids are 11 years old (5 years from now). Prepare yourself. Kids who are friends in elementary school, don't always stay friends in upper grades. Heck, it can change from year to year. So you need to separate in your head the idea that for you and mom to be friends, the kids must be, too. And vice-versa.

Secondly, being shoved by someone not being a good sport isn't bullying. It's just bad sportsmanship or cheating. There may be more going on, and likely he's working through stress at home. But does he do this to other kids as well, or JUST yours? Try to put this in perspective. It isn't bullying. He's just not being a nice kid to play with, really. So let your kid choose someone else as a playmate. No need to make a big deal. They'll move on from each other. (see point 1) Maybe they'll get over this and be friendly in grade 4. Who knows. Maybe not.

Thirdly, the mom may be distancing herself from you b/c she is embarrassed. Her own situation, and her child behaving inappropriately could be reasons. The fact that she is going through a nasty divorce doesn't give you carte blanche to say ugly things about her kids' father, though. And it sounds as if you have done just that. They may be true. But she could (and likely does?) still have mixed emotions when it comes to him. Be mindful of who you are talking to when you say how awful the man she chose to marry and have children with is. SHE can bad mouth him, but you can't. What if she doesn't want this divorce? Have you considered that? Maybe she talks a good game, but wishes whatever has happened never had, and she still had her old life. Be sensitive to this possibility and just listen when she talks. Or talk about other things entirely. Or offer to take her kids to the park for an hour while she does whatever else she might need to take care of herself.

Divorce is hard. There are no rules dictating how she must feel. And that may change frequently as she goes through the process. Ultimately, coparenting effectively with her spouse should be a priority for her, and constant badmouthing won't help her get to a place where she can do it.

.You don't need to have a major chat about this. The boys are only 6. That's very young. When something happens, just calmly correct the child at fault. You say, "It's not nice to push our friends." If the behavior continues, you tell the kids, "It looks like you're not getting along today. It's time for Billy to go home and we can play together another day."

It doesn't matter why the boy is pushing your son, divorced parents or not, you need to address the behavior when you see it. But I don't consider a couple of pushes between 6 year old boys to be "bullying."

Not a big deal, and nothing that should cause "bad air" between you and the other mom.

You are probably the last thing on her mind.
She is going through a nasty divorce. She is distracted. She has lawyers to talk to and children to care for.
You continue to gently guide her son away from giving your son a hard time, you give your son the proper words to say when her son is being a butt, and you ask your friend what you can do for her while she is going through this horrible time in her life.

If she pulls away there is nothing you can do about it, but rather than just wondering about it you should talk to her, just make sure you are not accusatory in tone. She has a lot going on right now and may not even realize what she is doing.

As for the boys, I would consider talking with the teacher and letting her know this has been an issue so she can keep an extra eye on things during school hours.

Tadpole,

It's not "bad air". It's truly trying times trying to keep it all together while going through a nasty divorce.

You need to reassure her that you are her friend and are there to help. You set boundaries and rules for your kids, if they are together at your house? Those rules and boundaries must be obeyed. She probably feels HORRIBLE for what her child is doing. I know I have!! No one has perfect kids - no one.

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's hard when you see your life spinning out of control and then you see your kid misbehaving and then going to counseling for it.

She most likely will need "down time" - is it possible for you to schedule a girls night out? and maybe your husband can watch the kids?

Stop thinking there's an elephant in the room. She's struggling and embarrassed and doesn't know how to deal with everything all at once. Be her friend!

You can do this!

Look, you didn't screw up. She is having a hard time dealing with the fall-out in all areas of her life because of her crappy marriage. And dealing with the issue of her son being a bully is one of them.

What she doesn't understand is that by treating you this way, she is kind of bullying you too. It would never occur to her, and probably not to you. You obviously feel sorry for her. And that's okay. But not to the extent that you let her son do this to your son without telling him that he can't.

I would not consider this to be "bad air" between you. You could just say to her before leaving her one day, like when you are dropping her off, "Susie, I know you're having a hard time with everything. I'm here if you want to talk. And if you don't, I really do understand." And leave it at that. And instead of doing the talking, do more listening. She probably can't deal with you talking right now. She's got to figure out what to do about her son. It's probably really embarrassing for her.

And YOU have to be vigilant in not allowing your own son to be bullied. That might mean keeping your son apart from him, without it "appearing" that you are doing so. Just because he wants to play with the boy doesn't mean you should allow too much of it.

Uh, no WAY do you put a friendship ahead of your son.
This woman and her family have some issues that they need to work out - and shoving your kid is not how they do that.
Granted the mom may not know what to do (some counseling might help her and her son) - but if her kid can't be nice to your kid - you don't have a lot of options here except to meet her for coffee without the kids if you still want any contact.
Get involved in something (Cub Scouts, Taekwondo, etc) where your son (and you) meet other people.
You both need a wider social network.

Ugh, these are VERY young children, they are still learning to use their words, not hands. And they will rarely stay friends over the years anyway. I mean think about it, how many of us had the same friends in K and 4th grade, let alone middle and high school?
Continue to be friendly to the other mom, and keep an eye on your kid, but stop reading so much into her situation and how it relates to you. There will only be "bad air" if you create it. Maybe she is actually feeling like she has shared too much and is backing off on purpose. Give her space.

I'm guessing she's concerned for her son, doesn't want him to be in the position of being a bully (so if he only does this with your son in particular, she may want to avoid them playing together for a while until he's past this), and maybe embarrassed.

We went through something similar when we moved, which was a huge adjustment for one of our kids in particular. He just wasn't himself and did some out of character things that I found hard to deal with myself, let alone when it involved friends.

In future though, here's how I might handle it. Instead of pointing out what her son has done (i.e. instead of saying that's not fair, he can't shove his friend..) I would just say "uh oh" and let her see what's happening, and let her deal with it. I would stay out of reprimanding him at all at this point. If she doesn't catch it herself (doesn't see it) just focus on your child - or say "Guys, we don't push or shove".

Other than that, I'd just encourage your son to handle it himself (always best if possible) and a little space might be a good thing - sometimes kids go through phases where they are not always compatible. Just keep it light and be friendly.

I would try to let it blow over. Her son may be acting out due to the stress of the divorce and you could be an easy target for the mom (she may think you were too hard on her baby). I am sure she will get over it once you give her space and the next 3 playdates with other moms goes as yours have gone. Your boys may need space and she knows this too.

(i typed this fast, so may sound blunt, but not meant to)

The boy is angry and taking his anger out on someone that won't fight back.

I suggest you find yourself busy sometimes for the next 6 months or so. Only do activities where the other boy can do sit down stuff. Such as don't go to the playground with them. Go to a movie or community event that is scheduled things.

This way the boy is busy mentally and not free to run amok and let his anger out.

You might also teach your son to loudly say "Don't push me!" or whatever the action is so the mom will become more aware of how he's taking his anger out on others.

Sounds like she's working on it.......
If it were me, I'd approach her at pick up time or whenever you see her and ask her a heartfelt "how are you doing?" She's going thru a rough time. Maybe she feels weird around you cause her son is doing that to your son. Maybe she feels bad, like you think bad of her or something, you never no......Approach her with kindness and ask her how things are.