How Would You Handle This? - Londonderry,NH

Usually (at least in my experience) one person takes the lead on things like this. Usually it the person who has been most responsible till then. And sometimes they find it easier to go ahead and make decisions, keeping in mind the deceased's wishes, on their own. Without opening it up to debate to the whole family, or others. Maybe they have good reason for this - maybe so and so has ideas that don't generally go along with the others, etc.

Your mom is likely grieving very much and just wants decisions made. I know when my father passed, we weren't included in anything. My mom, along with her sister for support, just said yes/no/yes/no/that one - to get through it.

I think it is lovely that you have come up with a slideshow. I think it's great you are concerned for the whole family and how they are dealing. She is likely just going through the motions, and may not be thinking of everyone else at this time. Honestly, I think her reviewing the slideshow was not that big a deal. Some people don't like surprises at services - even good ones.

I find these times in life are just people coping. Not always at their best. Everyone is kind of at their worst. And that's ok. That's to be expected. If they're not being generous - that's ok. If they are not thinking of how others feel - that's ok. They are doing the best they can under the circumstances.

It's not your responsibility to make sure everyone is ok. Sometimes people take on that role - but no one is asking you to. If others have a problem with how your mom is handling things - then it's up to them to say something. Keep out of it.

But I'd cut your mom some slack. To her a slideshow may not be a big deal. She just lost her mom. Know that it is appreciated and will be a wonderful way to remember her by. And just move on. I'm sorry for your loss - I get the whole thing can be emotional. I wouldn't make a bigger deal of this than needs be.

First I'd probably advise you to stop being offended for other people. Your mom had a lot on her plate taking care of her mother. Where were her sister and brother while this was going on? Were they pitching in to shoulder a third of the work in her care? Probably not and yet now they want to be involved in everything for her service and probably settling her estate? Pretty typical for some families and unfair to the one who has been there most of the time making the hard decisions on her own.

So its not about your slide show. Its not about who wrote what in the obit. Its not about any of that. Its about the fact that your grandmother has passed and your mom is trying her best to get things in order. Stop nit picking your poor mom. Stop siding with other relatives and support her decisions even if you think you would have done something different.

When my dad died my brothers and I basically made every single decision for my mom because the things she decided were questionable. She was upset. She wasn't thinking clearly. My brothers and I all get along well and we pulled together to get things done. Looking back I can tell you we made mistakes. Should have, would have, could have. But we did our best and that's all we can do.

And lastly stop turing your grief into hurt feelings. Recognize that you are feeling this way because you've lost your grandmother. Morn her loss. Concentrate on what she brought into your life and what you will pass onto your children about her.

The nature of grieving people is they aren't sensitive to how others are grieving, you are doing it to and probably don't realize it. You want this or that but did you consider how that was effecting your mom? I am sure she could write a post about how hard it was on her that you wouldn't let her see the video.

This is not putting down your feelings or saying you don't care, it is just you are grieving and focused on your pain, cut others that were close to your grandma some slack because they are too.

Deaths bring out the best and worst in people, try to rise above this and let your best shine.

i'm so sorry. it sounds as if you are all grieving hard, but because of prior family stressors are unable to help each other through it, and because of it all of the smaller annoyances feel like new outrages.

i totally get why you wanted your video to be a bonding experience. i'm sorry your mom didn't come with you on it, and commend you for not turning it into yet another blow-up, and just going with them on it.

i hope your stepdad stays true to his word. it will still be a lovely thing for the family, hon, and good for you for doing it.

it sounds like most of it is a done deal at this point. the obituary has been written, the cremation and burial are finished, there are no more decisions to be made.

try not to take on your aunt and uncle's anger and grief. you've got your own to cope with. they're going to work it out or not with your mom, and you can't fix it.
let the memorial service do what it's supposed to do- bring your family together to remember your grandmother with love.

i know it's easy to say 'let it go' yet SO difficult to do when your own family, who are supposed to be your rock in times of trouble, are the source of your stress.
but do bear in mind that grief also looks for places to lodge when it's unbearably hard, and it may be that the loss your lovely grandmother is causing your family members to act out in unsupportive ways because they don't know how to cope.

give them some space, and most of all give yourself some grace.
sending you warm thoughts.
khairete
S.

One of the things that happens when a tragedy strikes is that people have such a tough time with things they cannot control. So they often deal with their grief and helplessness by trying to control some aspect of the events that follow later - funerals, memorial services, burials, writing of obituaries, and all the rituals surrounding it. Perhaps that is what is happening here.

Your grandmother sounds like she was the glue that held the family together. Without her, you're trying to provide the "glue" to hold the family together. But your mother sees herself as your grandmother's primary caretaker and heir, and she wants to control things. The pastor wants some control over what is shown in the church because perhaps there have been inappropriate things in the past that either were offensive to the church or which were divisive among the mourners, creating an "incident." Who knows? Your mother wants you to be considerate of her feelings, and you want her to be considerate of yours. Different people want to be involved in the obit or the burial/cremation decisions, but it's also very hard to do things by group consensus. Sometimes it's just unwieldy to get so many people involved in a timely manner, sometimes it's a mess because people disagree. So people go on and make unilateral decisions because, as the old saying goes, "A camel is a horse designed by a committee."

Dragging things out can make people's grief worse, so some people move ahead and make a decision, any decision, to "cross it off the list" and put more control in a situation that has made everyone feel lost and powerless. If you can see this as a way that people (you and others) try to bring more order to their lives, and also to "help", maybe it won't seem like such an insult. I wonder if your grandmother would be comforted by everyone being so upset and agitated - probably not. Try to focus more on grief and different ways that people can share their memories, and not on personal insult that increases your hurt.

Regarding the video: I think you need to let this one go and not try to control that situation. I understand that you were wanting a 'moment' for everyone, and all good intentions appreciated-- sometimes you just won't be able to make it happen according to plan.

I would stay back from everyone's feelings. If they vent to you, acknowledge "that must be hard" and don't get involved in any triangulation dynamics. (they complain to you about mom, mom complains to you about them, etc).... If you are feeling that your mom and her husband are leaving family out, it's okay for you to decide to have a small 'celebration of life' if you want to-- even if it's only for your own nuclear family.

Also, grief is a hard road. Please consider that you are not just experiencing the death of a loved one, you are also experiencing a true measure of loss. The loss of the sense of family at a crucial time, the loss of the hopes that they could come together, which it is very apparent that you want. It's not just about your grandmother-- it's about a lot, lot more. I would urge you to find a grief counselor, even for the short term, to help sort out what you are really responsible for, what you can let go of, and what you might want for 'family' and your place in it. It may be good to try, in the summertime, to have an informal gathering at a park or some place which is neutral where people can come and go as they like. Sometimes that provides more space, physically and emotionally.

So sorry. I hope this helps. People all have very different reactions to death. I know that when my sister's husband died, she really had strong boundaries regarding who could be around her and what we could do for her. Your mom's taking over *everything* can be seen as an attempt to control an uncontrollable event. Keep this in mind, that while some people come together in grief, others just want to get things done and be left alone. She may be keeping herself busy to distract herself from feeling the emptiness of the loss, she may be the higher-functioning family member who *will* get things done... it's so hard to know. Take good care and really, a grief counselor --even for a short while-- may be helpful.

Oh honey I'm so sorry. Death is hard on everyone and each person grieves differently. When my mom passed, my dad handled everything. I tried to talk to him about what my Mom had told me but his mind was made up so I backed off. My mother deserved a much better funeral then what she got. My dad is a very practical man and not given in to whims or fancy. I did the slideshow. I poured over photos and put together a great show. Some liked it some didn't. My brother was upset because I included all family members and not jut my mom. I felt this was a celebration of her life.

Honestly, I really don't think Memorial Services are the place for surprises. Remember your mom lost her Mother. Its hard!! Believe me!!

R.,

Death makes people do crazy things. If your mom was your grandmother's sole care giver? I think she has every right to want to take charge.

Are they doing things "their way" or as your Grandmother wanted? If your mom and your step dad KNOW what your grandmother wanted and are carrying out her wishes? You can't blame them.

I wouldn't have sent the USB. Sorry. I would have stood my ground. That's me.

Ask yourself what the problem is - is it that they are doing it their way? That they are not taking other's feelings and needs for closure in grief into account?

What do you EXPECT them to do? If they don't know what you EXPECT how can they change what they are doing?

Sometimes family members go their separate ways because they really NEED to.
You want to gather everyone together - to make this "this to be something we all could be together on".
Please - just don't.
Funerals are very stressful times
Everyone IS grieving in their own way - and going their separate ways - and there's nothing wrong with that.
It's time to celebrate your grandmothers life and all that she was - it's not a rallying event.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My son passed away so believe me I understand grief. What it sounds like to me though is that right now you have misplaced anger. I've been there too. You are so upset about your loss but instead of grieving and focusing on healing you are upset because of a video you wanted to watch together. You're upset because your uncle didn't give input into the writing of the obituary. Etc. You must see that those things really don't matter in the scheme of things. I am sending you a big cyber hug because I can feel how much pain you are in. Your grandmother must have been a very special lady and I really do know how hard this is. Hang in there.

I really am so, so sorry. It sounds like you all lost someone you loved dearly, and the classic signs are coming forward. Everyone reacts differently, grieves differently, and deals differently. Try to be patient and understanding. Communication is key, and I'm glad you talked to your mom. I'll pray for peace as you all move forward.

The first thing that jumped out at me was that your Mom was her caregiver. With that comes SO many emotions that you can never understand, unless put in that position. Your mom was caring for someone that used to care for her. That alone is so difficult to grasp. She was probably feeling protective over her, maybe a bit resentful to her siblings, controlling because she was the one in charge for so long, and also, physically, spiritually and emotionally drained. Maybe your Mom needed to see the pictures in private so she wouldn't fall apart at the service when all the memories came rushing back with the photos. Not everyone wants to grieve as a group. You feel what you need to feel and let your Mom do the same without it "killing you inside". It's time for her to take care of herself now.

so sorry for your loss...

how would i handle this?
i would let it go. you are having a tough time because you want things your way, while others want it their way. step back, know that some need space to grieve on their own, seeing family after a death can be hard and some people don't want to face that.

I applaud your not taking the dvd and not showing it at all. That's very mature of you.