My question is this: Just how honest should you be with your child in certain areas? An example is: My son is worried that he is going to be short. Most likely, he will be since his genetics are on the small side. Parents are small, both sets of grandparents are small -- not super short but definitely on the smaller end of the scale. I tell him that he will grow but, given his genetics, he will probably not end up being super tall. I tell him that he will most likely be average height, just like his dad and that, no matter how big he ends up, he should like himself for who he is, people come in all shapes and sizes, blah blah blah. My husband, on the other hand, just says "Don't worry, you'll grow." I feel that if my son accepts himself for who he is, at what size he is, it will make growing up easier and I feel almost dishonest giving the 1/2 answer that my husband gives. Second example: My other son had a doctor's appt and had to get a shot. I told him this beforehand so he wasn't blindsided at the appt. I also know that he is going to need a second shot in a couple of weeks (the appt. is already made). Do I tell him its coming since he knows he is going back? Or just take him to the doctor and he finds out then? I am just a bit of a realist and believe that I should be as honest as possible with my kids. My oldest son will most likely not be 6 feet tall -- my other son is definitely going to get another shot. Am I wrong to be this honest? Am I being too honest? Should I "filter" things a little more? Any suggestions are welcome and very much appreciated.
I'm honest like you. It gives them a chance to mentally prepare. I always tell my 7 year old when he's going to get a shot and sometimes he'll bring something that he feels with help make him brave. Then I tell him if he's brave we can stop for a ice cream or something.
L.
Hi C.,
I agree with you, the truth is kinder than "untruth." It's also OK to say "I don't know," because, no one really knows how tall he will end up. While your husband may be giving too short of an answer, you may be spending too much time trying to explain the issue, and therefore making a bigger deal out of it (over explaining). It sounds like you feel bad about an answer, you spend a lot of time trying to compensate with lots of explanation. I always liked the rule....answer their questions, but don't give them more information than they asked for.
Your husband's response is technically correct (he is only 11 and he will still grow), you may want to add a bit like, "You still have quite a few years left to grow, but you'll probably never be the tallest boy in your class."
Regarding the shots, if he asks, "Am I going to get a shot?" the answer is "Yes, but remember last time....it only hurt for a minute, so I know you'll be OK."
Sounds like you have an absolutely wonderful family....I wish you all the best!
I am so pleased to see you being honest!!!! God in all his wonder developed a people in his own image. I know that he would be truthful that is why I know you should be. If there is a ? then there should be a solid and honest truth that your child trusts because it is coming from you!! If you do not show this to your children then lets face it they will just Google it anyway, right? lol. Maybe not right now, but soon they might just stop asking. No parent wants to be left out, or not beable to impress his/her own views. Seriously, C., be honest it was the way we were intended to be. In the end, your children will know they can trust your word, cause you never led them a stray.
hope this helps you keep up what I believe you know is right!
God Bless You
My son is five years old~ I have always been open and honest with him. I feel if I tell him 'white lies' or 'filter' the truth as you say it... then I am teaching him to do so to me when I need him to be truthful to me later.
Why wouldn't you tell your son he needs a second shot? Yes, it hurts, but at least you can tell him so he knows what to expect and that you will do what you can to help him feel better. For my son when we are required to get our vaccines, I break them up. So one visit we have one set, the next is the last set. I also practice alternative medicine, so I use homeopathy and I give him what he needs to lessen not only the toxicity but the pain from the injection. He knows what is going on, and I feel he doesn't like it, but he respects it vs. being blind-sided.
As for age, genetics don't lie. What happens when you tell him that he will be tall and then in science class they go over genetics, do the hybrid charts and all of that and he learns the truth? He will be very upset with you and begin to question other things you may not have told the truth on.
As parents, I do feel and believe our children follow our behavior as they learn from us. Both the positive, but also the negative. That is something I keep in my mind so I can be more of a positive influence for my little boy.
Be HONEST! For one thing, your kids need to know they can trust you. But here's another reason...
As a child I had almost every tooth pulled by the dentist due to orthodontic problems. My step-mother never told me beforehand. I just knew that it was always on a Friday (so I could recover over the weekend). Since she never warned me in advance, I spent EVERY Friday at school worrying that it was a tooth-pulling day! How awful to dread Fridays!
You certainly don't want your son to dread the doctor, not knowing if he is going to get a shot or not. My 4 year old hates shots, but I tell her in advance (usually one day before the appointment). She is just fine with the fore-knowledge and goes willingly and happily to the doctor even though she cries before the shot comes. I think she feels more in control and more "mature" because I tell her ahead of time.
C.; one thing you should always do is tell them the truth, the truth should never be hiden, by hiding the truth and or making up stories, hurts your child in the long run, and they tend to have trust issues in their life, they will eventually see the truth and it will come back to bite those who lied, the truth helps children to face reality, for example how hard is it for a child to realize there is no santa clause? the lies all those years and the fantasy of the reality of santa clause for a little child can be devastating when they find out the truth, then when you want to tell them for instance about god, an invisible person who can give you stuff, and you can wake up one morning and the gifts you may have may be from god, the happiness, just to be alive, so why should they believe stories about god if you once lied to them about a character who also did good stuff too? just as an example, i grew up on a family that was really short , dwarfism, you cant tell them they are not short, everyone in school is telling them they are, who do they believe, and why is mom lieing to me, they will say, sure we dont want our children hurt but there are positives for being short, and since he is not dwarfed, being short and normal is way better than being short and deformed, it really is not fair to those who are short short and deformed like dwarfism to hear others who are normal complain about being short, we are who we are due to our genetics and that is a fact of life how can you hide what you are? why would you want to? sure some of us dont accept who we are and every child goes through all this, no matter if normal or a different religion or a different color hair , kids in school are very mean , and the best way to thwart it is not to hide it or lie about it, but to face it straight on, sure im short but your ugly and i can grow ? i know thats not nice either, but you can teach him a comback that will help him feel better, being short is fun, he can say, i know my short brother dwarfed, got to do alot more cause he was cute and fun, short people may not be able to run fast but you sure cant catch them, cause they can turn on a dime, so there are truly benefits,help the child to see the good in his height and how he can use it for the better , not to hide from the truth, but to endure all the teasing in school cause in reality when he grows he will not be short, and height does not matter at the work force, when you are an adult for the most part, in some cases its harder to be taller, so teach him to enjoy life, and be who he is , and love him no matter his height, D. s
I have 5 boys, ages 14, 11, 8, 6, and 3. My husband is 5' 11" and I am 5' 2". We have both tall and short people in our extended families. My oldest son is 5' 11" right now and still growing, I am thinking he is going to be tall, however he COULD stop growing today, the truth is we just don't know, not for sure. My 6 year old is a little guy, only in the 30th percentile and I'm thinking he is going to be short, but the truth is I just don't know for sure. My dad tells a story that when he entered the 9th grade he was the littlest guy in the school, and somewhere between 9th and 12th grades he just started growing and is over 6 ft now. Everyone thought he was going to be short, but they were wrong. Genetics are a funny thing, only God knows how tall we will end up being. When my children ask me about their size, I tell them that they have no control over it and why waste the time and energy worrying about it? I tell them they need to worry about what they can control, getting good grades, working hard, being honest, being a good friend, etc. etc. In the grand scheme of things these traits will be far more important that than feet and inches.
As far as what to expect at Doctors appts. I feel the less info the better. I have noticed that when they know a shot is coming at a particular visit, they worry. Even if they don't admit to me that they are I can see it in their behavior prior to the visit, and the lightness in their attitude after the appt is done. It is my opinion that honesty is good, but why burden them with this info? A shot hurts for 2 seconds, and if they are not aware its coming, they only have to dread it for minutes, not months, before its done and over with. I personally feel this is kinder to them. There is such a thing as too much information. As a parent I decide what they need to know and what they don't. Getting shots is a grown up decision, and they have no input into deciding if they are getting them or not, so why put that info out there? It's something thats going to happen, like it or not, why make more out of it than necessary by giving them lots of time to mull it over?
Good for you! It's hard to know what do do in these situations, isn't it? I try to be honest with my 11 y.o. too, but sometimes the truth will hurt. In those times, I ask if he really needs to know or should I wait until he is ready. Think sex ed. :D
S.
I definitely wouldn't lie, but I also would be very general with them unless they press and ask questions, then be honest. In regards to your son's height, I think you are right by being honest, because genetically it's probably true that he will not be tall, but there is always a chance that he could wind up being taller than the others in the family. I'm always blunt with my kids when it comes to doctor visits, but if they press me, I'll tell them what they are going in for and if I'm not sure what the doctor is going do, I just say I really don't know. Sometimes giving them too much information isn't necessary because they tend to obsess about small stuff.
Good luck,
M.
Honestly, you don't know how tall he's going to be, but you do know that as long as he's healthy, he'll continue to grow, so I don't think there's anything wrong with your answer, or your husband's answer. Why is he so worried about this? Maybe there's something a little deeper to explore with him (self-esteem, is he being bullied b/c of his height, etc.), other than his future adult height, which you cannot possibly know.
I think you're doing a marvelous job and your son will count on your honesty and see through his dad's attempts to make him feel better, though he does it out of love. I wouldn't focus too heavily on the negative. Try to frame things in a matter-of-fact way and acknowledge his feelings about what he has to deal with. Kids hate being lied to and usually see through it. My pediatrician used to lie and tell me the shot wouldn't hurt. I hated that guy, not because of the shots, but because of the lies! Life has its painful moments and sometimes we don't get to look exactly like we want to, but if we have a good attitude (as you indicated), we can be happy anyway. My grandson was told he'd never grow over 5'2" for all the reasons you mentioned and he was always the smallest one of the boys though my daughter put him in school a year late. He began to grow after high school and get more facial and body hair (late bloomer!) and, at 25, is over 6 feet tall, the tallest one in his family! It was kind of gift that God gave him for being picked on for so many years. When my husband and I went to see him play freshman football, I was concerned we wouldn't know which player he was from the bleachers but my husband pointed to the team and there was one tiny guy there - of course, it was him! They had him act as water boy sometimes but he felt important and dropped off the team after his sophomore year because he was benched so much. Still, he was very proud of being part of it all for those years. Help your son keep his sense of humor and if he is unconditionally loved, he'll be fine.
I agree with sticking with honesty. I also think it would be good to show him some successful shorter men. For example, Sylvester Stallone is only 5'9"-5'10", realtively short for a man, especially an action star. It certainly hasn't slowed him down!! I found this site- maybe he can find someone he admires...
http://www.tallmenshoes.com/heoffashpe.html
Best of luck... It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job!
T.
being honest is great. the times I don't know for sure(like height)I say so, only time and good nutrition will tell. I have a nephew who is 6 '2" and his parents are average height.so we don't really know for sure. On the things you do know for sure I find the timing of telling the truth is important. We don't want to create anxiety in a child days or weeks before an appointment. I have taken my kids to the doc before and thought they were going to get a shot and they didn't get one! So I now say I don't know for sure but well find out when we get there. I use it as a time to teach them not to worry about things that have not happened yet. Good luck
