How to Tell If Your Boyfriend Will Be Good to Your Kid?

This is actually very easy: you date him for a LONG, long time before moving him in or getting married. You REALLY get to know the guy, his views on child rearing, whether he would even want to be a step or adoptive dad AND in addition if things are going well over time you you are serious, you get several months of premarital counseling.
Seems like a lot of work, I know... But you don it worth it and it would give you a good start.
Good luck!

For me it was as easy as when my youngest wrapped him up in the biggest hug and he reacted like it was the most natural thing on earth.

I do not believe that anyone can treat steps the same way as bios. It is all wrapped up in the mental aspects of blended families. I am perfectly content with equal in the heart because in my family that matters most. :)

I have found steps are more strict with steps, what is the worst thing that happens so long as it is a minor difference? Ya end up with well behaved kids! Oh the horror!

Why dont YOU spend more time getting to know him? If he treats you good, and is completely aware that you have a child, it seems that he knows what he is getting himself into right?
For me, it would take longer than a few months. I would mainly focus on yourself, and your son, and if this guy proves himself to you, then great.
I think after just a couple months it is moving way too fast to say you want him to be your sons dad and adopt him, just relax and see how it goes. No need to rush things.

I wouldnt just expect someone to adopt your son.
He could be a great step dad without adopting him.

sure. how does he treat you? kids you run into on dates? how is he with the servers when you go out to eat? how does he treat his parents?
none of these are guarantees, but they all give you insight into his true character.
i can tell volumes about a person just from going to a restaurant with 'em. even if they're on their 'best behavior.'
but it's way too soon to be measuring this fellow for a stepfather suit yet. and you're going to skew your relationship if you are only eyeing him up in that capacity.
whoa, seabiscuit!
khairete
S.

I dated my husband for a year before I met his family.
That's when I saw how he interacted with his nieces and nephews, as well as his parents, grandma and aunts and uncles.
I also noticed how he was with animals.
And most importantly, ME!!!
Seriously, if he is sweet and gentle and loving with YOU, and kind, patient and loving with animals, his extended family and children, then THAT'S his true character. Take your time and get to know HIM and his family. That's when you'll know :)

I'm curious why you wrote "I am scared that this guy might play favorites if we have our own kid together, or that he will not be able or interested in treating my son as his own." Has he given you reason to think this would be the case?

Honestly, I think you are waaaaay to ahead of yourself and of him. With only a few months, you can't even be sure you will want to be with him long term, let alone be with your son. You will never know that about anyone with so little time, so your desire for a quick answer or else you don't bother dating him is too superficial. Any man you date will need more of a chance to get to know you before showing if he is long-term material.

way too soon to expect anything from your boyfriend. Please be very careful so you don't chase him away! Seems like a lot of pressure for just a couple of months into the relationship!

He knows you're a mom, he knows your child is part of your package deal. Give the relationship time to blossom & mature....& then start putting the 2 halves of your life together & see if they become one. :)

In my opinion there are several ways to know this. And the first of course is the fact that he should be good to you. If you aren't getting together with your son yet go places where it isn't obvious that you are watching how he is towards little children and yes dogs. My brother in law was very nice to my family and sister and then when they had their son he showed a very bad mean streak so niceness to adults is not always an indictor. But stop in at pet shops, go to the zoo and park (I know you probably don't have a lot of time) but make the time you do go out not clandestine, but filled with people. How about a county fair? Nothing like planning, but you are way ahead of yourself and nothing is etched in stone either. And sorry to say this, but you should 'waste your time' dating because that is how you find out who is right for you. Remember your son will grow up someday and leave (usually anyway in our society) and your plans to marry involve spending a lifetime with someone. There are always people who will try to win you over through your son on a reverse note so they can do the hoochie coochie, so you might seriously make up a generic list of what you want for YOU in your life. And kids change and what might be a really cool step dad to your son when he is turning five, eight or ten, might be a nightmare in his life when he is fourteen because discipline is involved. good luck on this. Can be tough.

You are a single mom, with a 3 yr old son. Any single guy with no kids of his own, is bound to have some confusions of his own, as to how to handle a relationship with you. Sure, it is wise of you to not want to waste time if it isn't the right guy. That said, its only been a few months, so give him some time, maybe.
And may I suggest one thing? "I have been keeping them seperate until I know for sure where thigns are going" -> you'll never be sure if things are serious, unless you have a basic idea how your bf and your son are together. If you need to know how the man will handle your son, you need to introduce them to each other. If you are yourself interested in a future with the bf, then the very next thing you need to do is bring them together.
You don't have to spell things seriously to either of them. Just introduce them casually, and see how it goes. Allow them to guide you on how to take it further.
And one most important thing. Even if bf takes to your son nicely and behaves well, look for how your son takes to your bf. Children are smart. Their gut feelings are better than any adult radar. Trust your kid.
Good luck to you!

I think any woman getting married to a man does not know for sure, how he will be as a father. But as others have said, the clues you have are:
1. How does he talk about children he sees in public. Like if you're out to eat and a little kid from another family is peeking over at you guys is he like "eww what an annoying little brat, why did they bring their kids out?" or is he "oh what a cute little girl!" etc.
2. How does he treat any younger members of his immediate or extended family? Nieces/nephews/cousins?
3. How does he treat any pets you have? Does he like animals? Not everyone has to be a "dog person" like me but is he cruel to animals?
4. Does he want to have kids one day? How many?
5. How is his father?
6. Ask him what type of dad does he think he'd be? You'd possibly be surprised about the honesty that could come through!
7. Without making him fully part of your life, can you, he and your son spend a full day together doing a kid type activity like the zoo or aquarium or a playground or something. Not just an hour or two. ALL DAY. See how he is when your kid is crabby and gets nasty. Not saying anything negative about your son - just saying we've all been there. See how your boyfriend deals with it.
8. What type of man is he? Is he kind and compassionate and gentle? Does he love kids?

I am sure a step can be great with their step kids even when they have kids of their own. Of course they will feel biased towards their bio kids but it doesn't have to be alot and it can be only in their heart and not in their actions.

Good luck with this. No rushing to marriage! And don't keep him just because you like having a man, and the perks involved. If you see warning signs don't ignore them!

WAY too early to be thinking about this. You hardly know him yourself and you're thinking adoption?!
Good for you for considering you son FIRST, as you should, bit YOU need to decide where this is heading.
Best advice I can give you? Be choosy. It's all in the choosing! You can find a loser any day of the week, so keep your standards HIGH!!!

If you can't see it, then lose the guy NOW.

The only way you're going to know is to have him around your son. First, do you think he's good husband material? If you do, then go ahead and bring him around as a 3-some rather than as a couple. If he ignores him, acts irritated, doesn't seem to enjoy your son, you have part of the answer.

After you and he start talking marriage, THEN bring up the issue of having children WITH him and him adopting your child.

Sometimes you just can't know everything going in. Sometimes you have to take things on faith. BUT... watch carefully for red flag signs. Feeling uncomfortable is your first sign.

Good luck,
Dawn

If you're already feeling such deep concern then there's a reason you're feeling that way. Listen to your instincts.

If you ever did marry this guy in spite of your instincts, I would avoid having him adopt your son because that would entangle them forever in the event things did sour between you. You would want as clean a break as possible. I do hope that you're either not sleeping with this guy yet or that you're using ironclad birth control.

He most likely will never be the kind of father to your son that you would like him to be-you and your son will be better off alone.

I was able to tell about my husband by the way he talked about his family and younger siblings.

I personally the evidence if he is "dad" material or not will become clear over time. You'll talk more, get to know each other and it'll show. You can start taking your little one on day dates, parks, zoos.

Do not give your heart to a man who has no love or respect for his mother or his siblings (should he have any). Good luck.

I would have to say that you would have to see how he handles being around your son to know that.

I felt this same worried way. I told him from the begining if I ever got serious with "someone" even though her dad is very involved I'd want the guy to treat her as his own, and not as a step and how I never wanted her treated diferently then anther future kid. It was a simple innicent conversation not even about "us" but about my future husband who might not be him.
I put too much pressure on that feeling being there right away and made it take longer at first. I think once you are serious and thinking its long term and not J. temporary, introduce him as a friend and let them bond naturally without you interfering (don't analyize everything like i did...it will take many months for them to bond)...any decent guy will bond and grow to love that kid as thier own eventually. Whether they treat their future bio kids diferently is something you wont know until its happening...and if you have a good relationship you can address it then

You've been dating a few months, I think you need to slow down. Are you too even very serious with each other? I find it odd that you are already thinking of all these future things, after a few months. Especially, since you have a child of your own. I would be very surprised, if he is thinking about these things. Many men, will not want to have these talks after a few months. That's very soon.

Also, my gut says...if you can't tell just by knowing him, that he'll be a good father...that's not good. You either don't know him enough, or he simply isn't father material. I KNEW my husband would be a great father, without ever seeing him around a child. I never even had to question, or wonder.

If it were me, I would never bring another man around my child, until I knew in my heart I would marry him. (And he would marry me.) I'm not saying I'd wait until we were engaged and they'd have to rush getting to know each other, before a wedding! If I knew marriage was in the cards, they could meet. If they did not take a liking, I would not marry the guy, ever. If they did, I could proceed with the serious nature of the relationship. I think that protects my child in many ways. 1. He does not get attached and then have the man leave, because I introduced too early. 2. It ensures, that the man is interested in ME, not my child. 3. It gives me time, to follow through with going down the road of marriage. 4. It gives my child and the man time to build a strong relationship, while I know the man is going to be around a long time.

He has been around your child some, already. I suspect, that you have to ask, because you don't see a dad there. Why else would you have to ask, and have these worries? The first time I saw my husband with a child, it took all of 5 seconds to see what kind of father he would be. You should not be left with these questions. I would move on from him, personally.