How to Tell Grandmother She Can't Have Access - UPDATE

I'm sorry, but when I first read this I thought to myself, "is this woman serious?" Honey, you are a self described life coach and, as you stated in your bio, you focus on "helping women with identifying, dealing with, and moving through particular issues in their lives specifically involving work/life balance, finances, employment, and love." Okay, well why don't you first start with YOU identifying some of your OWN issues in these areas.

Your mother is obviously a cancer to you, your marriage and now to your daughter. This is a toxic relationship in which the only beneficiary is her. The fact that she acts so outrageously and then pretends as though everything is normal is evidence that she is continuing to play silly mind games with you, and that YOU are continuing to fall for them! How much longer are you gonna allow this cycle to continue??

The only reason she continues to behave this way is because she has NO CONSEQUENCES for her actions and NO repercussions for her horrible behavior. If you aren't willing to take a stand for yourself, or for your marriage, can you at least stand up for your daughter? So many parents/mothers place their children in situations which they know in their hearts and minds are not okay, yet they allow their children to be victimized again and again and again. How will you feel if something happens to your daughter because of her allergy or because she is bathing with a boy, and you were too weak to stand up for your child and protect her? If you don't speak up for your daughter, who will?? Thank God your husband has the balls to put his foot down, and hopefully you too will grow a pair soon.

I am sorry to sound so harsh (well, kinda not) but I have worked in the criminal justice system for too long and get enraged when I see parents subjecting their children to mentally, physically or emotionally abusive situations just so that they can keep the peace with a family member. She created psychological problems for you as a child, so why would you continue to give her this power over you as an adult, a wife and a mother? Can you PLEASE put an end to this madness...now?

People who have no reason to change, don't. You certainly cannot change the person she is, but you can definitely change what you allow yourself and your family to be subjected to. And who knows, you might even find that your health improves once you've cut the cord from this toxic individual. So please, let go of the fantasy that she will someday turn into the perfect Koolaid mom and accept the person that she is. It's time for YOU to get on with YOUR life...without the subtle or overt influences of Mommy Dearest. Come on Dear, I'm rooting for you!

D.-

Have you ever read a book called (I think) Toxic Parents. Your mother is, as I'm sure you understand, severely disturbed. I understand your feeling of responsibility toward a relationship with her, but in your case, it is so damaging to you and potentially to your child, that you need to say no. No, your daughter cannot visit her at all, not overnight and not during the day, either. I think you need to follow your husband's lead on this. I would terminate your relationship with your mother now. I know it's very difficult, but I have two friends who have experienced exactly the same thing, and they completely broke with their mothers, one in her 30s and one in her 50s. Don't call her again, if she calls and asks for you, have your husband say you don't want to talk to her again, and if you answer the phone tell her you don't want to speak to her again. Give her a one sentence explanation if you want, but then hang up. I send you a big hug!

Having recently "gone there" with a problematic parent, I can truly say it's time to stand up for yourself. It's difficult, but worth it. They only have the power over you, you allow them to have.

And when it comes to your child, YOU have the right and DUTY to protect them from such toxicity as a small child. When she is more mature and secure in herself, your daughter can choose the level of relationship she wants to have herself. You should be honest to your daughter's level of understanding about why, such as "in our family disrespecting and using mean words about a loved one is unacceptable, so we need to take some time apart until we can treat one another better."

As for your mother, give up on the notion of reasoning with her. Her behavior indicates one whose attitude towards you is irrational and honestly probably has nothing to do with who you are, or what you've done. The best approach is straight with compassion. I would say something along the lines of:

" I honor you as my mother, and appreciate the care you have given me in my life. Wether or not you intend to do so or not, you need to understand that you have and are hurting me and my family, and it simply is no longer something I will allow to continue. As a mother, it is also my right and duty to say what behavior is ok around my child, and I judge it best that we have some distance from one another until we can treat one another with the love and respect we both deserve."

You may not have had a choice about who your mother was, and how she treated you, but as an adult and a mother you definitely do, and it's your responsibility to not make yourself the victim by not using that choice, as difficult as it is to do.

And I'd like to add, your daughter is watching, and your actions will teach her (as YOUR daughter) what is acceptable in the relationship you have with her, and how she should react as a mother herself. When it's hard, think about that little kick in the pants, because I assume you want far better for your daughter and future grandchildren.

Good luck and God Bless.

i almost cried when i read your entry. although i know you're not asking for pity, i have to say i am SO sorry you are going through this. you should be avoiding stress with what you are going through. do you know the connection between stress/mentality and cancer recovery? for your health, and for ladybug's future, i urge you to find a resolution to this problem.
i would not allow my child at gramma's house if she gave her foods she was allergic to. your mom sounds like she has psychological problems. i would move very far away from her if i could or completely avoid her until she's willing to get therapy. please don't believe all of those horrible things she has said about you. she is the one with a problem.
you probably know/think this already, but i am just empathizing with you. i am no psychologist or expert in mommy dearests. i just want you out of this situation, especially while you are so sick. again, i am so sorry, and please know that there are people praying for you out here in the ethers...
peace

Your mother has already achieved the destruction of your health, spread a virus into your marriage and plays equally cruel mind games and manipulates your child. WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HER? I strongly recommend that you see a psychologist. I'm sure that your physician can recommend one.

Dear A.,

I think the answer is simple. Just say no to your mommy dearest. Why would you want to expose your daughter to potential mistreatment by your mother? Stop the cycle, put distance between you and your mother. Tell her that you and your husband have decided that you rather not have Ladybug spend these days with her. If you must answer why, tell her that you don't want Ladybug to be exposed to the same emotional mistreatment that you have gone through the years. Maybe one day once in a while might be ok, but a few days.. The chances that your mother's bitterness with two little kids in the house might surface are greater. I believe her negative energy might even be affecting your health. You continue to be your mom's victim and are possibly a co-dependent of that mistreatment. Don't let your daughter be part of that. You don't owe your mother anything, except respect for giving you life. Enjoy your life with your hubby and your child, and don't let your mother affect your relationship with your husband either.

Have a Happy New Year!

I agree with everyone who has posted so far, and your husband - no further contact, period.

You are being very understanding and forgiving, and the Spirit blesses you for that. But the lesson you, your family and especially your daughter are learning needs to be one of self-kindness, not self-flagellation - which means no more contact with this toxic person.

I grew up with a father who treated me exactly the same way. Not a day went by that he didn't speak to my brothers and me in the same way. He made sure we knew we were faulty, worthless human beings, which of course we all now know we are NOT! We only learned later that he is schizophrenic. Not that his disease excuses his behaviour at all - it doesn't. But he went undiagnosed for so long, and so much psychological damage to me, my brothers and our mother could have been prevented if he had received treatment before he had children.

So I speak from experience when I say that getting your mom evaluated by a mental health professional may be something you and your brother can take on. She may be able to receive very low-cost treatment if she is diagnosed (it's a severe disability). Your lives will change.

You are a brave and beautiful light who has survived the worst and continues to do so. How lucky you are to have attracted a husband who loves and supports you, not someone who would repeat the mistreatment you've received from your mother. Be strong for yourself and your daughter. Show her that she doesn't have to tolerate mistreatment.

We all send you our love, and hope for a better new year for you and your family.

C.

Just say NO !!! Let it be.....Until she has distance from you guys she will continue doing what she does.
Take a break from her and your health may even get better. The mind and body is an amazing thing, it reacts to emotional as well as physical situations.

Dear A., Reading your post makes me very sad for you and all you went thru as a child and continue to go thru with your mother. I must be honest though and say my sadness turned to being pissed off when I read that your daughter is allowed to go Grandma's where she is being encourged and/or allowed to eat foods she is allergic to. I KNOW first hand how hard it is to terminate a toxic relationship. If you cant terminate it entirely you must reduce the exposure your family has to your mom. It is in the best interest of you all! It would be one thing if she was awful to you but a good grandma to your kids (same as how a man could be a terrible husband but a good father) but you said she treats your daughter terrbile as well.