My 9 yr. old daughter's best friend is the son of my ex husband's girlfriend. Just to be clear, my ex and I are very good friends, our priority is our daughter and we communicate openly and often.
It's such a 6 year long soap opera. I don't want to bore you with a novel but want to give a little history.
My ex met this woman 6 years ago, it's been on and off and on and off. She doesn't have primary custody of her 2 sons so she only gets them every other weekend and designated weeks in the summer (I know, I know). My daughter and one of the boys bonded strongly, he's a great kid and they were/are 2 peas in a pod.
2 years ago while living together, my ex and this woman broke up. Right before the break up, her sons had moved in with them for one full month in the summer along with my daughter during summer visitation. I was not happy b/c they shouldn't have had the kids living together if the relationship was bad and a split was impending plus they weren't married. Great example, eh?
My daughter took it hard, cried a lot, she lost her best friend. Every chance she had to make a wish for something (b-days, etc.) she wished he were back in her life. She prays for it. She has other friends and a very active life.
Last year, my ex and the woman reconciled for the upteenth time.
I told my ex, if they get those kids attached again and split again (which I knew they would) I will be VERY upset b/c the kids will suffer.
I told him to not bring the children into the picture until they are walking down the aisle. They don't have the kids with them "full time" so they could have attempted that.
They moved in together last year, got engaged, kids are all bonded again, ready to spend half the summer together and my daughter is attached at the hip to the little boy. The woman's visitation has increased so my daughter has spent a lot of time with this boy this past year.
Well, they are breaking up again (she's cheating and left him for another man last weekend). Lovely.
My ex says he will contact the boy's biological father (they are friendly but the boy's father DESPISES the mother) to try and arrange visits for the kids but I doubt it will work out.
How do we tell her? What are the right words? We plan to tell her together (her father and I).
I will provide comfort, keep her busy with her other friends and we are traveling this summer. But I also need to help her deal and understand. Her dad says he will take her to counseling. Any book recommendations are welcome, maybe dealing with friends moving away or something like that.
Thanks for the responses. It was such a long request, you were patient to read it through!
And here's another kicker to the story. They were legally married last year, didn't tell anyone. The woman's ex husband made a legal request that if she were the be "shacking up" with her boyfriends, she needed to be married or their sons would not be allowed to sleep over. GOOD FOR THE EX!! I'm liking him more and more!
I also heard that b/c of the long lengthy legal battle between this woman and her ex husband (in his favor) she will likely lose all parental rights to the boys. For those of you who seem this as harsh, if you knew the "whole" story about this woman, you would agree that the boys are better off with their Dad. Right now she has shuttled the boys off to her "new" boyfriends house who is a complete stranger to them and everyone involved.
Here's good news. My ex did contact the woman's ex (so hard to keep this not confusing!) The correspondence via email was very positive. The woman's ex said that even though he has never said this before, he appreciated his boys being well taken care of by him and safe under his roof. He also thanked my ex for welcoming them into his family. That was BIG!
He said in the best interest of the children, he would encourage a relationship and to reassure me and my daughter that he is open to this. YEA!
Although my girl is going to be hit with the news this week, at least being able to tell her that she WILL see her buddy again will help. Last time they were torn apart without a goodbye and no notice.
By the way, the boy is the same age, 9 and his father lives an hour away from our homes.
She will need to learn lessons about people coming and going in her life. It's a great idea to ask her what she learned from the friendship and this little boy.
I'm just emotional, probably still feeling guilt that she already had to survive my divorce and didn't anticipate her ever having to deal with another.
One more positive note, I, along with my ex's family and friends, never wanted this woman as my daughter's stepmother. My ex is a good guy, just a little naive and too trusting with people.
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J.T.
answers from
Victoria
on
since the boys father has prime custody and seems like a resonable man, i would contact him and ask if they can do things together. become pen pals, go on fun trips together ( like when going to the amusment park, water parks, out of town zoo's) they can have what is called a long distance friendship. One of my greatest friends I met in jr. high she lived across town i saw her a hanful of times and still considered her a best friend. we called and wrote all the time. that was 17 years ago. were still friends.
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C.B.
answers from
Austin
on
If the girlfriend's ex can't stand her then I would think he is probably pretty smart. I would call him myself to ask about the children's friendship, don't let your ex do it. It would probably work out better from a woman (not the man sleeping with his ex.) I would explain the story to him and help him understand that both of the kids need this friendship. He seems like he would be reasonable. All he can do is say no. Then you tell your daughter that sometimes we only have friends for a little while. Those people come into our lives to teach us something. Tell her not to be sad but to find out what that friendship taught her. Good luck to you.
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E.B.
answers from
Houston
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Could YOU call the boy's biological father? The boy may be missing your daughter just as much and the dad might be relieved to hear that he can still get the two of them together.
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S.M.
answers from
Austin
on
I second the suggestion for you to get in touch with the biological father.
As much as he dislikes the mother (and it looks like he may have had good reason...) that doesn't mean that he'll dislike you or your kids.
That way you can protect your daughter from the ups and downs of your ex's relationship.
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B.M.
answers from
Waco
on
L....I don't think it really matters whether this boy's mom & your ex are together or not. What matters is his & your daughter's friendship. You don't mention whether he lives in the same area as you but if the boy's father is not open to allowing his son to hang out with your daughter, they can continue to stay in contact via email or phone, if the father is ok with this. I agree with the other posters...YOU need to contact the dad yourself and explain the situation. He may be open to allowing his son to continue a friendship with your daughter or he may not. If not, as Carla stated, your daughter will learn the concept that some people come into our lives only for a season and we're to learn from that encounter. How old is this boy btw?
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C.W.
answers from
Waco
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Hi L.,
what a predictiment to put these children thru- Honestly, I think the only way you can help your daughter is just to be honest with her......but, she does not have to lose contact with this friend- they can be "pen pals" and hopefully they can spend a few days in each others company thruout the year or at least during the summer months. counseling would be good if you see she is exhibiting depression or withdrawal that you cannot handle. It is very important to let herknow that this friendship will not just "end" but they can keep in touch- send pictures back and forth- maybe speak on the phone from time to time- keeping her busy will help- get her involved with every activity you can during the summer months- don;t let her be idle too long at any given time so she will not drift off into depression (if this is affecting her that badly) spend as much time with her one on one- time heals all wounds especially with young ones....
Let her know that real friends are friends forever and they can always keep in touch.....
good luck and blessings
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J.K.
answers from
Austin
on
You are a very caring and concerned Mom. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this since non of it is your doing. Well, first of all, it is a good thing that you and your ex are talking to your daughter together. Be honest, but kind. She does not need unnecessary details about the other Mom. Just explain that situations sometimes change and the little boy cannot see her at this time. Tell her that you will try to work things out with the other Dad so that she will have time to play with this child again. Take her to counseling. This is always helpful. Make sure you feel comfortable with the counselor. Play therapy, or other counseling for children is very good. The Austin Child Guidance Center has counseling available on a sliding scale if you live in Austin. Other cities must have similar institutions. Good luck with this situation. J. K
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L.C.
answers from
Corpus Christi
on
I'm afraid I don't have much advice about your situation, but I did want to say that I think you are such a good mother! You really care about your child and want her to be happy. I got moved around a lot and never even knew when it was going to happen or when I would lose an entire family because of another divorce. My mom didn't talk to me about her impending divorces, moving to another city (several times), or worry about my friends. And I am an only child. Oh, well. I guess my point is ... that even if she can't see her friend, she is very lucky to have a sister and a mother who cares about her feelings. :-)
