How to Teach Acceptance & Tolerance

Kids are already colorblind. They learn primarily from ex of their parents. Dont make a big deal about race and she wont either.

Just act like its no big deal. She will see that it doesn't matter through you. If you show that it doesn't matter the color of someone's skin, then she won't think it matters. If you make a huge deal of it, then she will REALLY see the difference.

Personally, I think you already ARE teaching acceptance. I'm not sure you'd need to do anything other than what your doing now. Based of YOUR philosophy, I think your children with grow up with same (regardless of any different ideas they may be exposed to beyond your control).

Excellent for you. Children are MOST effected by the modeling of their own parents.

If only EVERY American household was modeled after yours, think what a beautiful place we would live in!

Kudos.

:)

I think the best thing to do is point out that all people are different. We can't teach our kids to be "color blind", but typically comments made from kids are very innocent. They are just relaying what they see. Our reactions to comments on color, glasses, hearing aids, wheelchairs etc are based on our notions of what is okay to say. My daughter is 5 right now and we frequently talk about how all people are different. Even she and her sister have different color hair and eyes. We actually discussed how God made all people unique and special. In my daughter's dance class, there is a girl with Down Syndrome. One day my daughter remarked that she didn't like that girl (said to me at home not to the girl). At first I was like "uh oh. she doesn't like someone who is different." We then went on to discuss it and she was upset that this other girl didn't follow directions in class and my daughter is really into following the rules. I said some people take longer to learn the rules and although she doesn't have to be best friends with this girl, she still needs to be nice to her. So basically I think you just need to use each experience as a learning experience. Make sure your children know that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, that all people look different, and that you need to treat everyone with respect. In our house we have also told our daughter that if she has something that isn't nice to say, she can say it at home to me or my husband. I just want her to be respectful of people's differences and treat people the way she would like to be treated.

I encourage my daughter to notice differences while still understanding they are all alike in that they are people. Individuality is important to me... so as long as she describes a skin color, hair or eye color, or body type in a respectful manner - and just as something she noticed, I allow it. We've talked about same sex relationships, different cultures and religions. I make it interesting and always ensure that she understands that even with all these differences, we are still the same.

My son thought girls couldn't play basketball. Not sure where he got that one. So I signed his little sister up to play basketball with him. Now he knows they can play basketball. He just thinks they aren't any good at it! HA! Guess we'll have to work on her skills. It's ok to notice that there are alot of black peple playing basketball. There are in LA. That's a valid observation. But in Dallas, Utah, Sacramento, and all of Europe, players are mostly white. Just get a basketball in his hands and let him know that anyone can play. Take him online and show him Vlade Divac, Yao Ming, Dirk Nowitski.
Like you pointed out, It's words and deeds. Values put into action. We are all colors in my house. I don't say we are color blind. We aren't. Noone is. I know what you mean and what you are trying to communicate. No offense meant here, but you should know - saying you are color blind will get you a lot of eye rolls from people of color. It gets the same reaction as saying "some of my best friends are black" lol Not a good thing. Sends the opposite message of what you are going for. Color exists and pretending it doesn't won't change anything. We celebrate color. I point it out. I praise my kids for being caramel or chocolate, so when kids at school insult thier color (and they will) my kids will think proudly, I'm beautiful, I'm chocolate. We go to museums or art exhibits that celebrate culture and history, ours and other peoples as well. I tell them about the bigger picture and how all the colors fit together to make a beautiful picture. We go to every free concert in the park I can find. All differant types of music with all differant types of people. I sign them up for all sorts of diverse activities where they will meet all sorts of people. We watch a lot of Nova, and the types of shows that get my kids asking questions. When they ask questions we go online and follow thier curiosity. I try not to limit thier view of the world by introducing them only to things that interest me. Like you said...teach the differances. Live the differances. Expereince and celebrate the differances.

I actually think that the best course of action is to do nothing.
Your girls will see how you handle situations and they will learn from you. They are already exposed to everything culturally so that will be the norm to them. No need to beat it into the ground.

Unless you see an issue developing or they are surrounded by some small minded people, leave it be. It doesn't need to be complicated.

You've offered an explanation. I don't think it needs to go further than that.

I think you did exactly the right thing! Good for you.

I agree that it's important to teach that people come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, etc. I work hard to ensure that when I refer to someone on TV that I'm trying to point out, I talk about hair color, what they are wearing, etc.

My kids have had questions about why do they hear that someone is "black" or "white" when the peoples' skin really aren't those colors, they're more brown or peach. I too used this as a learning opportunity.

I simply said that a long time ago people used to treat people differently based on their skin color or where they came from. Then I asked, how would you feel if someone said you couldn't do this or that, just because of your skin color? Or your accent?

I am reminded constantly that we can't tell a person's heritage based on what they look like! Not that it matters, but just when I think I 'know' something or someone, I am surprised.

I believe you're doing a great job already. Be prepared for your daughter to come to you with comments or beliefs you haven't taught her. Continue to ask questions and keep her mind open. There are lots of "teachers" in this world, unfortunately not all of them are as "color blind" as you are.

And as for your question about teaching your children to accept the differences, ask them how they would feel eating the same dinner every night? Having friends that looked just like them and only played the same games all the time? It'd probably get pretty boring real fast right? Well we are fortunate to have so many different cultures here in America...they have brought their foods, language, fashions, games, etc. We are lucky to have so many choices where we live and the freedom to do and believe as we please. It is a gift they should appreciate and understand that not many other people are as fortunate.

you might use a globe and while teaching her about the names of the different countries you can also state the skin color in these countries is different due to the climate.... I'm pretty sure thats how skin color basically orginated.
then, in real life, if you children see you embrace everyone of color they will as well. when they hear racial slurs, oy, that's another one you have to explain. the haters will never go away unfortunately.
my kids dad was racist. i was not. my kids are not. they see thru it at a young age and prefer NOT to hate, that's the way my boys were anyway.

From a philosophical perspective, you actually don't want your child to be color-blind because that means ignoring the differences that exist among people. It is ok to acknowledge that people are different races and ethnicities because people have different backgrounds/cultures that should be accepted as valuable. I don't want someone to tell me that they don't see me as a Black person but as just a person because I am Black. That is part of my identity and I want it to be acknowledged and valued, not simply tolerated or ignored.

On the practical side, it can be challenging to teach children, particularly those who live in racially homogenous communities, about people of color. And it's not just because of where one lives but also because of the images that exist in our society. Very few people of color are in the majority of the most popular tv shows, or magazines or other media. And this type of exclusion reinforces stereotypical beliefs about what people of color are capable of doing and their value in society. So parents have the responsibility of buying their children toys, books, videos, etc. that present a variety of races and cultures if they truly want their children to embrace and appreciate the diversity among people. This type of education does not exist in most schools or media, which are 2 of the biggest influences on our children. One also might have to go out of their way to interact with people of color. Simply living where people from a variety of backgrounds live won't have much impact if your children never interact with those diverse individuals. Go to a library or other community program when the topic is about people of color, join a diverse play group, etc.

she will learn how to treat people they way she sees you and her dad treat people. if you treat people kindly that is the way she will be.
my parents instilled this in me and my siblings. i think we are all the same on the inside.

It really isnt easy to keep them "colorblind" we live in Utah and there is not a whole lot of "color" in our area but I have tried to keep the boys from seeing it. I am sure there are childrens books if you look them but their society is going to play a large role as long you are colorblind chances are they will be too.

Not having read the other answers, I think this is pretty normal, you are doing fine and all will be fine. I worried when my son in a very small preschool class (pretty young white teacher, short black aide, about 6 kids, most were Hispanic, he was one of maybe two white kids) Anyway, he always called the aide "the brown person" never by name and didn't seem to even notice the other kids were "brown" too (but not to the same shade of course.)

Fast forward to 3rd grade, this year he has a black teacher (she's slim, young & pretty, but fairly dark, not the lighter black that's more common) and he LOVES her. He has never said a word about her being black, I actually was surprised he didnt mention it to me. In fact, for a while in the fall, he would make comments like "I think she loves me" "I love her" etc as if he was fantasizing he would grow up and get married? I had to tell him that she IS married and that she has to love all the children equally, and not to make other children resentful/jealous, etc.

As for "Only brown people play basketball" she's just making a generalization, and don't we ALL do that? Even as adults?? That's part of the way of sorting out the world. Just show her some BB games that have white people, or look at an article or photo of white BB players & have her see them. But don't drum it in to her head or she'll get that set in her mind even more firmly.

Don't worry. Part of being "color-neutral" is noticing and acknowledging them - and treating them like anyone else without a bias. It is not pretending there's no difference at all.

Hi Mom,

If you haven't already, read "Nurtureshock". It's a fascinating book and there is a chapter on this subject... more commentary than advice but it's a great book.

It seems that leading by example isn't enough and talking is the most effective. Keep up the good work :)

This is so appropriate to a conversation I had with my daughter (4 1/2) the other day. She goes to a very diverse preschool - I was thinking that when she goes to elementary school, she will be sooooo prepared to accept all races and cultures. We might be the only Jewish family at her school, so I try to keep her aware of differences (talking about Santa is a trial in itself!)
We were talking about her new student in her class....she says her schoolmates name. Then she ends with "Yeah, she's white'.
So, I think it's just a child's perception. She knows we are 'white' but decided to point that out instead of the other differences of ALL of her other classmates!

I tell my 4yr son that differences make the world a more interesting and colorful place. Everyone has something to share with us and teach us. Just think how boring it would be if 'all your matchbox cars were blue trucks' (or Barbie had ten dresses but they were all the same) He gets that example !

I have told my kids from the time they were little that EVERYONE is SOME shade of brown. I mean really, no one is truly the color white or black. I have always read to or with them and discussed age-appropriate books on race, acceptance, diversity and the history that goes along with it. if you start early on and use teachable moments throughout their childhood, such conversations will be a normal part of your family.

I can totally appreciate your question. I didn't have as hard of time explaining this to my child only because I am a social worker and I feel was well prepared both in growing up and education for this topic. However, I was shocked how soon kids noticed things and even commented.

My first experience was about size with 2 year old commenting on another lady's belly. I was pregnant at the time and so I guess that sparked the idea that all large belly's contained babies. It was embarrassing and I'm sure the lady was offended. I have to remind myself that in that situation saying nothing was best and I told my cild to be quiet. I did explain once in the car that people come in different shapes and sizes as I referenced her book and I reminded her that God loves us all.

It happened again but this time different and through me for a loop. She knows pointing is not okay so she differienciated two people to me by saying the black man. My alerts wnet up as how had she come to this and then she commented the red man. When I turned to look there were two males both caucasian and one wearing a black tshirt while the other wore red. I didn't have to address anything but I knew after tshits would come hair color and eventually skin.

I got through the later identification of people by hair color and then came the drive through at Mc Donald's. I again about died as I shuttered at what my child had said. We have a large cousin... that we call Huge. With that said he isn't the least bit over weight. Instead her older cousin is merely a teen and 6'7". We alos watch dragon tales and Mongous of course got his name from being huge. So we have said many times our cousin is huge like hugh mongous. Needless to say the lady at the drive thru window was quite obese. I didn't really notice it anymore than I'd ever as it's common these days and I don't make negative comments about oter's size, but yet as I was about to pull away my child yells from the rear of the car "that lady was huge." I of course looked to see if her window was closed and also how far up I had mine as that awful statement came out. Safe but still had to address it which was immediately as we pulled away. I again reminded that we all come in different shapes and sizes and that God loves us all.

The next most shocking thing she verbalized was about our thanksgiving story book that is about a black family. We had read it the year prior and now here at almost four year old we were reading it again a few weeks prior to Thanksgiving. We read the book a few nights before she said on on the readings, "That man is ugly." She was referring to the boy's father. I asked her what she meant and she revealed he was scary and ugly because he was dark. Seated around the table was the family and the darkest member was the father. The mother was light, the boy the sotry is about was medium and so the shades varied but yet she identified she didn't like the dark person. I had to address this immediately. We don't live in a diverse place in the sense of our everyday life but for the most part we have all sorts of friends. In our specific area we have white neighbors and black neighbors. All of them are our frineds as we have all been in this area since the 1990s. We interact at holidays. We wave at every passing. We drop in and visit briefly or at the roadside. We live in the country and we interact like good country folk. However my child started private preschool this year and it wasn't until the second party that I realized there are no black families in our class and I will look to see about the other classes at the school Easter party. I do know the big school has black students but the population is primarily white. It is much to do with the religion but still it is of concern that my child may notice. Anyway, I address the book about the boy's darker father again that we come in all colors and that God loves us all. I also made it a point to identify dark black males that are our friends.

Aside from this I have never hid from my child that bad people exist. She knows there are bad men and bad women, bad doctors, bad drivers, bad teachers, bad everything. She knows there are good too! She has also been told it will be hard to tell the difference. We discuss safe people as in my family, my sisters etc. Teh people I would entrust my child to, are safe people. As she ages, she still needs help with wiping for the potty and we also discuss those that are allowed to help her. She understands that her daddy is the only male, even though she has safe grandfathers and uncles that it is a job for safe females and daddy only. Of course at the age of 4, my husband will still help with wiping her but no longer wants to bathe her or if he does, he will start it but wants me to help her clean her "girly spot."

We use proper names for anatomy too, but in general we refer as boy parts and girl parts. Starting this early is just easier to add to later. The same goes for size, color, special needs, sex or anything else.

When we see a story about a birth defect or a quadraplegic then I use it as a teaching opportunity. Same for other things. Of course you can't explain past their ability to pay attention. So keep answers short and sweet.

The book I am referring to is simplistic and a short favorite read of ours.
I give it to most new moms. It's called "God Loves You [Book] by Kathleen Long Bostrom." It's on Amazon for around $6 and Walmart for $4.

As for children making observations, I would expect they all take notice and eventually comment. Though teaching them proper social manners is needed regarding what they verbalize. Just as is not pointing, not talking with a full mouth, etc.

In your case, I'd of handle it like this: "what makes you say that?" (to obtain why thhis conclusion) or "Where did you hear that?" (to determine if something my child noticed or heard and now is repeating) Since your child made a stateent that didn't reveal any personal feelings it wouldn't require much more addressing other than to say, "all kinds of different people play basketball." Then thanks to youtube you could show videos of basketball and point out other ethnicities playing, you could also show girls basketball, then even special olympics basketball." If all done quickly with not too much time devoted to any video, you don't have to finish the whole clip, then your child should be able to stay on target and pay attention. Of course if you get the book, you can reference that God loves us all.

Again, it's my belief that laying age appropriate ground work along the way makes everything easier. I have done this in regards to sex too for the simple fact ath I know by age 6 most kids have heard it from friends and the information is incorrect. We are learning proper body part names and lay terms. We are learning there are differences and she is taking notice that our male dog and male horses have "boy parts." She has noticed how the dogs urinate different based on sex. She is still under the impression that you need a mommy and daddy to be married and pray to God for a baby. Of course she knows a little about horses having babies and we talk about breeding horses, weaning foals, etc. I expect her to learn more sooner if we breed her pony next year. Again, I give age appropriate short answers when I'm teaching her and if she asks then I continue to answer until she seems satisfied.

If you start talking and your child obviously isn't listening then the opportunity to teach is gone... but don't worry, it will return again.

Best wishes,
MB

I am coming in later, so I apologize... but I thought I would share two quick stories with you.
My 6 year old son and I were talking the other day about our family and how far they live from us. Somehow we got around to talking about people in general and declared that the whole world could be our family, except the black people. I was stunned by that response and asked him why. He replied that they look different from us and all of our family currently looks similar. So I asked him to point out the differences in the members of our immediate family. After about 5 "different" things about us, he decided everyone in the world could be our family. It was a quick and immediate response from me (without trying to show too much emotion with it to make him feel like he had done something wrong).
My second story happened on Martin Luther King Jr Day this year. My husband and I are both caucasian but I am very fair and his much darker. My two older kids were in the backseat discussing the day and why it was important. My 7 year old declared he thought it was wrong that they had it off from school (he loves going to school) and my 10 year old was explaining to him that this day was a celebration of something very important in our history. She was explaining several of the events that Martin Luther King Jr had participated in and encouraged. Then she told her brother, "you know, if it wasn't for Martin Luther King Jr Mom and Dad could have never gotten married." I asked her why she thought that and she explained that Daddy is dark and I am light and we would have be allowed. It was funny for my husband and I, but quite insightful on her part. We do look very different but it never occurred to me that she might see us so different.

Most children notice color. When my oldest said someone was "brown" - well, the first time I didn't know what to say - but once I though about it, I began to answer "Yes, you're right. People come in many colors."

Then in private, I told him that some people were mean to people with brown skin, and so some people were not comfortable with comments about skin color. I told him it was OK to notice, but we didn't announce it.

Now we have a multi-ethnic family & soon, I'll be approaching it from a whole new place.

There is a website called "Love it Not Enough". If you go there and read about "color blindness", you might change your approach and your thoughts on this:
http://loveisntenough.com/?s=color+blind

p.s. My best approach has always been to have diversity in our LIVES, not just our community, so I that we have people we care about in almost any group)

p.p.s. It also sounds like you handled it fine : )

Good luck!

My friend read something interesting about this (can't remember what) that said that it is important for us to talk to our kids about race rather than just modeling because others will talk about it, and we want to be a part of that conversation! If we don't talk about it, it might seem taboo.

The first time my daughter asked us what a black person was, we were kind of stunned because it seemed like she would know by then (she was 4? 5?), but we had probably the same kind of conversation you had. In the end she said, "I think I am probably a black person. I think I would be considered to be a black person." It was good that we were in the car so that she couldn't see us smile at her innocence. Clearly we hadn't done a great job of explaining after all (she's not), but we had to just enjoy that kind of innocence since we knew it wouldn't last forever.

We picked up the conversation again at the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis. It seemed like some heavy stuff for her age, but they had a kid tour, and she handled it all pretty well. Again, even when it's painful, I think knowledge is power, and dialogue is essential.

As for books, I'm guessing your local library would have a display on MLK, civil rights, black history, etc. right around this time of year, so you might go check it out! :)

What was so bad about saying "only brown people play basketball"? You child made an observation....
You could have watched the primary spelling bee and she could have said the same thing....

Grant I'm not a mother. However I'd like to recommend my award winning children's book, "A Lesson My Cat Taught Me" as a wonderful way to teach the acceptance of others for who they are and not what they are. While the book is geared for children between the ages of 5-8 it is an enjoyable by readers of any age. I invite you to check this book out on Amazon. There's a virtual presentation of the award there.

http://www.amazon.com/Lesson-My-Cat-Taught-Me/dp/1452810885
[There's a 10% currently available for the book]

Please excuse the latest of this reply as I've just found this site. I'd appreciate it if could share this with your friends and family.