How to Talk About Death with My Children

Start now. Talk about how all living things have a life with a beginning, a middle and an end. Point out examples: bugs, flowers, trees, etc.
If you are a Christan explain about heaven. That it is forever, all pain & illness is taken away--but it is permanent.
Stay away from vague (and creepy!) wording/expressions like "He is watching from heave, sleeping, etc.
Be open and honest if an illness of a grandparent, etc arises. Factual but on their level.

Hi Dianna,

I don't know the age of the child in question, and that actually would help a lot. For most young children, though, context is helpful. Perhaps that was given to this child in your post, but you didn't mention it. (and I understand that your friend is rather raw, too. I have empathy for her; a sibling's spouse recently passed in our family, and it's been a sad time.)

Children need the idea of death grounded in the context of life. Death by itself can tend to be huge for any sort of person; death in the larger context, centered in its purpose with life as a whole, the yin and yang of it all, can help neutralize the shock of the idea.

That every living thing should die is part of life, yet what children might need is a gentle review of average cycle of life. People are born, they are babies becoming toddlers and then big kids, and then the become teenagers and grown-ups. They might have children. They often live to do and see a great many interesting things, and they have people in their lives whom they love and love them. And at some time, they will die.

If it were me, I would stick with the situation at hand. For every family, the causes of death are different, but just stick to what's present for now. We don't want to give our kids *all* the potential causes of death, which can greatly overwhem a child. We just want to give context for what's happening here and now. We can also let our child know how much their departed dear one loved them. Sharing memories, building a small altar or memorial (in case the child wants to draw pictures or leave treats for them) and just remembering them in a happy way is helpful and will encourage kids to share their feelings.

Kids do hold onto this stuff for a long time. I once knew a child who, at age 6 or so, grieved that her grandmother had passed before she was born, and that she hadn't met her. Children are beautiful and honest in this way, so be as open as you can. Don't try to smooth everything over or distract them to help them feel better. Empathy--"I miss them too. You were very special to them/They were special to me"-- is often all children need to hear.

And let your children know that you will be with them for a long, long time. They need us so much; if we suggest a life without us at a young age, that can bring on a lot of anxiety. We can't control what life brings, but as today's featured post, "The Perfect Mom", explained, we want our kids to have the "regular" problems with us. We don't need them to grow up worried that we are going to die tomorrow!

All the best,
H.

I also think it is best to be honest. I just hate it when I hear someone say "God needed another..." That would make someone hate God.

Unsure of your religious backround, I'm coming at this as a Christian. My FIL passed away very suddenly recently and I was worried what his "little buddy" (my 3 year old son) would think/say. I'm sure each child is different but we told him that Grampy went to heaven and we wouldn't get to see him in this life again. But that we will always remember him and love him and that one day we will meet with him there.

Death is just as much a part of nature as birth. I believe you should be honest with your children when asked. Maybe they don't need to know the details, but they deserve to know.

I have found the conversation is unavoidable. When we watch TV, frosty melts, a dog dies, a Grandparent passes, it all happens in life and they make shows about this.

I think you should be honest with your kids. I think kids need to understand that death is a part of life. My daughter's only experience with death so far has been a family pet, but when our dog died I called the school counselor. She gave me a book called "Everything dies". It is a child's book and we read it and cried together.

I think short, sweet and honest is the best. I'm a teacher, and one of my former students was killed in Afghanistan a few weeks ago. It was/is very sad, and for a few days there I was just not being my best self, especially with the kids. I realized that it was unfair to not explain it to them. So we had a conversation (with my 3 and 5 year old) that went something like this.

Me: I'm sorry I've been so cranky lately. I'm just feeling a little sad because one of my students died, and it's a sad thing.
5 year old: Was he a grown up?
Me: yes. But it's still sad.
3 year old: How did he die?
me: Someone shot him.
5 year old: He was doing his best, right?
me: He was, but sometimes sad things happen.
3 year old: Can I have some more ice cream?

They've since come back to the conversation a couple of times, but I let them direct where it's going. They didn't ask me if I was going to die, but if they did, I would simply explain that no one was going to shoot me, because we live someplace very safe, and no one was going to shoot them either, and that I am going to live for a long long time.

Just FYI, we're not particularly religious, so my focus is much more on the emotions that they're feeling now. But I do believe that people "live on" with us, and I think that's something that kids can get. I would explain that like a drawing or picture in their heads that they can look at whenever they want.

Good luck.

My daughter has asked what would happen to her body if she died in school? Ugh...these tough questions are the not so fun parent moments.

That being said, I also think its important to be honest. If my daughter had asked what your friends daughter has asked, I would have said, yes, everyone dies at some point. But many people live to be very old, so there is no reason to worry about it right now.

We told our children that everything living eventually does die. But it could be a very long time before myself or my husband would so it was OK to not be scared that we're going to die tomorrow.
We told them that eventually a person's body gets very old and worn out and can't work well anymore and eventually just doesn't work anymore. They did ask about getting sick. We told them yes, there are some things that you can get sick from and they can make your body unable to work faster then normal. We told them this does not happen to everyone though. We also explained that accidents can happen that hurt the body so much that it can't work anymore.
We've lost fish, we lost our 14 year old cat after he'd been sick for a while with cancer. So far we have been fortunate to not have lost any very close people in our lives but they hear of it in life and they know it happens.
Let them know it is OK to be sad that they are no longer able to be there with you physically. They can not play with you.
The best thing is to be honest and use words to explain that they can understand.

My mother died 3 weeks prior to the birth of my oldest daughter & it's definitely a double edge sword. My oldest has been brought up thinking that when one person dies, a baby is born(which is what I was brought up believing) - well, w/out us realizing in some way she felt responsible for taking my mom from me by being born. I believe that we need to be open and honest w/our children but sometimes too much can be just that....too much.

Maybe we should just give them enough to answer their questions, not enough to make ourselves feel that we've answered our own. It's really hard because sometimes one question leads to another, but with my youngest I just leave many things go as a question to her question. When she asks if I'm going to die I too, I ask her what she thinks and then tell her that someday we all will. I try to keep it real simple because the more I say, the more they think. Good luck.

I would recommend getting LIFETIMES: A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN DEATH TO CHILDREN, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. I know the Santa Clara County Library system has it, and I'm sure others do too. They've done a beautiful job of explaining that everything living is born, has a lifetime--sometimes short, sometimes long, and sometimes cut short--and then dies. It's very basic, but reassuring, and beautifully illustrated, and does a good job of helping children realize that death is a part of life.

My Dad passed away early last December and my FIL just 3 days before Christmas I told my kids that I will die but not until they re old woman with grandchildren of their own. My kids are now 10, 8 and 6. I would never tell a child I would die and leave the conversation at that. I would be shocked if soemone told me that and needed the conversation, she has to ensure her daughter she wont die soon.