I'm 30 years old and I am trying to piece together my family tree. I haven't seen my father since I was 11 but my mother's friend's husband was friends with my father in high school.
I seen these family friends quite a bit when I was growing up and was over at their house playing with their daughter but I haven't spoken to them or seen them since I was a teenager. I have recently added them on my Facebook though.
I want to ask them if they are in contact with my father or maybe even know his birthday/birthplace/other genealogical info.
I don't want to ask my mother because it's a highly-charged, contentious topic, she might not know, and I don't want her to know that I could be looking for my father. I don't really get along with her and she might think that me getting into contact with him will magically fix our relationship. Actually I am not currently speaking to her because of something she did. Furthermore, my mother is highly narcissistic and she thinks all our relationship problems are my fault and not having a father is one excuse she has for everything.
They ran into my father a few years ago in public so they might have an idea. They all went to high school together.
How can I approach this topic with them? I thought about writing a letter but I am not sure how to make things less awkward and not put them on the spot.
I don't live anywhere near any of them.
My motive is to both collect genealogical information and to possibly hear my father's side of the story.
It's probably not an emotional matter for the family friends but I have not had any contact with them for years so it's awkward and out of the blue. I don't want to sound desperate either.
How about this:
Hi, I am doing my family tree right now (isn't everyone), and I remember my mum telling me you knew my father, is there anything you could tell me about his extended family?
Would you do it over Facebook or a letter?
Edit: I know his name (unless he lied to my mother about that) I have already tried searching for him on various social media and nothing came up.
There was a snarky comment about me not being able to talk to my mother about this. Very judgemental. I can't talk to my mother about nearly anything never mind something like this.
Basically my mother got knocked up in high school and she didn't know my father very well and found out too late that he wasn't going to be a good partner. I don't want to be BFFs with him I just want to know about the other side of the tree. She wouldn't necessarily know detailed info about him like medical info.
It’s perfectly natural to want to know about your father and his side of the family.
You could simply tell the family friend you would like to get in touch with your dad and if they are still in touch, could they give him your contact information.
Do you know his name? It’s pretty easy to find people by just doing a google search.
i think your example of opening the conversation works just fine. don't overthink it- yes, it might be a bit surprising and out of the blue, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to gather information on your own biological father.
i think a letter would be a bit more impactful. many people ignore facebook messaging. but if you do chat with them fairly frequently, that should be as good a venue as any.
either way, if they ignore it i wouldn't push it. but since it's such an obvious and useful souce of information, i'd use it.
good luck!
khairete
S.
Your mother has created a methology that she doesn’t want you to shatter. You are an adult now and need to know your father.
Don’t waste time reach out!
So what I think will happen is, if you reach out and ask them "Hi, wonder if you can tell me my dad's info..", your mom's friend will contact your mom and let her know. That's what I would do. That's showing your mother (her friend) respect.
So your mom is likely going to know.
I would never provide that kind of information without at least notifying the mother - my friend.
So be prepared for that. Personally, I'd let your mom know you're going to ask her friend. I think that's respectful too. This is like a bombshell you're dropping. I think you're entitled of course - but you're putting her friend(s) in an awkward position - especially if you and your mother will be very upset over this as mother/daughter. This will cause issues between you two. Nobody likes to be involved with other family's drama. Your mother may not talk to her friend any more if she helps you for example. Your mother sounds quite unreasonable from what you've said.
I would just keep it brief if you do reach out to them. Just in case they don't want to be involved, keep it short and sweet.
Good luck.
