Adult Child Who Plays Dumb and Acts Entitled

Sounds like you don't really want him, that you'd rather have a sewing room than a child. He's not much more than a child too. I don't know what to tell you.

You stop fixing their screw ups, the rest sorts itself out.

I'm a mom and a stepmom. I get it.

Somehow, someone is letting this young man boomerang. Someone is saying "yes". But the parenting is done - this young man is a finished project as far as parents are concerned. Whatever failures he's encountered, he doesn't have to learn from them because someone is agreeing to let him move back to your house. If it's parental guilt ("I should've done better") or an overriding sense that he's not capable, or a sort of perverse feeling of a parent wanting to be needed, I can't say.

Is it hard to look at a child or stepchild who doesn't "measure up"? Absolutely. Is there a sort of guilt-induced sense of letting them move home so they don't "wind up homeless" or to give them one more dose of parenting that will miraculously turn them into productive humans? Is there a part of a parent's brain that says, "Others will judge me for my child's failings"? Absolutely.

He does not deal with the effects of his laziness or stupidity or poor choices for one reason. He does not have to. Someone somewhere feels guilty enough to shield him.

But nothing can happen until you and his father agree to stop this. The son keeps doing what he's doing because it works. Someone always caves in. It won't stop until you two stop. How you give him notice and how you develop a backbone is up to you. But your resentment of this boy (who is taking away your "private empty nest" and your craft room and your intimacy) vs. his father's guilt or soft spot, and the division between you and your husband - those are the problems here.

Get couples counseling. Otherwise the cycle will continue. The problem isn't the son. It's how you handle him.

Honestly, I would probably give my husband an ultimatum. I could not and would not put up with that.
I would just say, honey, I love you and really want this marriage to work but until you can get your "kid" out of the house I'm leaving.
Period.

It won't end until your husband stops enabling him.
The 24 yr old NEEDS to deal with the consequences of his decisions.
It's the only way he's going to grow.
Until your husband stops being his safety net, the young adult is going to suffer from arrested development.
What was your Hubby doing when he was this son's age?
Did HIS Dad run around and clean up his messes for him?
Unfortunately this is not something you can do anything about.
Your Hubby has to deal with it.
It might get to the point where YOU decide to leave if he's still allowed to keep coming home and he's pushing 50.

You and your husband MUST get on the same page. At some point your step son is going to bleed you dry...financially and emotionally. At some point HE MUST GROW UP....sounds like it might be time for marriage counseling....??? Even FAMILY counseling to find out what this "kid's" major malfunction is...why does daddy NOT say no? does son guilt him into it for breaking up the family??? Guess it would help to know the background on that...but really...your husband needs to grow a backbone and say NO.

Tell your husband that if he misses that private time you USED to have? The answer WILL BE NO...when his son comes a calling again...

He wants you to fix his screw ups? Go buy financial budgeting books - Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, etc. and give it to him. Tell him he's 24 and needs to figure this out on his own.

STOP allowing him to play you against each other. When he says something? If your husband is not there? Pick up the phone and call him with your son there and put him on speaker phone....do NOT allow a child to manipulate your marriage!

Good luck!

lazy what? not being snotty, i'm actually intrigued as to what 'aplpled' was before the intrawebz garbled it!
nobody here can offer you anything new. you either get your husband on board, or you accept it, or you leave.
khairete
S.

The word goober made me laugh. I have not heard that since 1987.

Anyway, I think there has been an issue with many 20 somethings (step chip or not) doing this.

You and your husband need to decide when enough is enough. Sounds like you have, but he has not.

You asked a similar question in August. Why haven't you been to counseling with your husband yet?

And the only other money your son should get from this point on would be for some counseling to help him figure out what he can be successful at besides mooching...

I agree with Diane B. - couples counseling.

Your husband probably has a hard time setting a good boundary for whatever reason. But he has to see the wisdom of not enabling his son. If you force it down his throat he will resent it.

Hope this gets better.

Take out the bed in your sewing room or any other room that a bed could be put in. Make that other bedroom a den with lots of books and things. In other words clutter up the house and make it difficult for him to sleep on the floor not a bed in your sewing room.

Have a good talk with hubby and counseling. If that does not work, you may be seeking other living arrangements without hubby and tag a long son.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

You need to talk with your husband. If you were being honest with him about how you feel about your son boomeranging back home over and over, perhaps it wouldn't be happening so often.

I can see helping once, but over and over to the point that he's using and taking advantage? No. It's time to say, "no more, son."

I don't have first hand experience but I've seen this situation a couple times, with my nephew and with my youngest brother. With them the key seemed to be to stop letting them come home. My mother still helped my brother financially when necessary--probably to the tune of thousands of dollars--but she and my step-dad at some point decided he couldn't live with them any longer. My SIL did the same with my nephew. They bounced around, crashed on friends' couches and had a few places with roommates before they finally stabilized. Neither of them were really able to settle down, however, until they met their future wives. Maybe set your son up on some dates, LOL? I think it just takes longer for some to 'grow up.' I agree with the others that family counseling could be very helpful. Good luck!

I understand that may children are lazy and entitled, you say he is but do not really give examples of how. Just curious of how long have you been married and do you have children? I am all about tough love, but this sounds like you just don't like "his" son.