How to Not Lose Your SELF in at Home Mommyhood...

You know, I never did find the time for myself (although like you I knew all the answers) but now it's OVER, and it went REALLY fast, now I wander about jonesing for someone who needs something, but they're all 'all set'.

Now I really DO need to
a) get a life
b) take better care of the man

wwwaaaaaaaaaaa, I want my babies back!!!!

I am trying the babystep approach. Try to incorporate one thing a week. Maybe it is a walk around the neighborhood, with or without kids. Maybe a spa appointment (pedicure/massage/etc.) on the weekend while dad takes over (helps him if it is during nap times), or even a glass of wine when the kids go down. It doesn't have to be big, but take 5 minutes at night to TALK to your husband. TV off, sit looking at each other and LISTENING. that can make a world of difference. The rest will come.

Find some good sitters! Keep no less than 3 on rotation so if one falls through -you have another. Call the sitter and get them for certain nights, then call girlfriends or make plans with your hubby. Buy some concert tickets or make reservations at a restaurant you've wanted to try. Inform your hubby that on Saturday or Sunday you will be going out for a few hours and go get a pedicure or a massage or just do some shopping or whatever you like. Go see a movie! YOU have to be proactive and make plans then follow through. No one else is going to make sure you have any "me" time -you just have to set it up and do it!

I put myself on hold until all the kids were in school. It took many years, but now I have all day from 8:21am until 3:34pm to squeeze in anything I want. Certainly, I have stuff to do around the house, it isn't going to run itself, but it's nice to know that if I WANT to go get my nails done, I can. If I WANT to meet a friend or my husband for lunch, I can. Just KNOWING I can eases the load and helps me be a better mom and wife. But during those early years when the kids were little, yeah, it was tough at times. Just know, they won't be home forever, and when they're all out of the house, you might even miss them a bit!

I have two kids - 4 and 6 - and even not being an at home mommy, it is a struggle to maintain the balance. My husband and I work at this as much as we work at all parts of our lives.

Some things that have worked for us:
Make a standing date night. We've identified a couple that lives nearby with kids about the same age as ours and on a sometimes weekly other times monthly basis, we trade babysitting. Having a deal with an outside couple means that they motivate us and we motivate them. Other friends have just found a sitter and set a standing weekly/biweekly date night. You have to do this because a healthy marriage is good for you and your kids. Maybe explain this to your husband and help him be in charge of date night - my husband seems to be the motivator on this front in our house. My girlfriend is the motivator in her household. Every household has one.

Take a class. It is incredibly reinvigorating to have time away from the kids, doing something just for you. And having a class on your schedule - something you've paid money for that doesn't wait for you - is motivating. You have to go, and you feel better when you do. If it weren't a recurring event on my calendar, I'd ultimately find an excuse not to go.

Throw family parties. We have dinner parties or park parties at least once a month. Sometimes we meet friends at a family friendly restaurant, other times they come over for a potluck, and if we can't muster either of those, we meet at the park with bagels and juice. The idea is to get the kids running around together watching each other so that we can sit and have adult conversation. If everyone pitches in, this is a lot easier than it sounds.

Go on a shopping spree. If only we all had a ton of expendable cash to spend on appearances, but even on a limited budget you need to once in a while clean out what you have and replace with an item or so that is fresh, up to date, and makes you feel sexy. Ask your husband or a girlfriend to watch the kids so that you can do this, but take a couple hours one day to update your wardrobe. If you feel good, you'll feel more like you.

Get dressed in the morning. I rarely wore makeup until I had kids. This is something I've added to my life as a way to make me feel more human. I just wear lipgloss, foundation, blush and mascara, but it makes me feel more alive. I also make a point of wearing cute clothes as opposed to comfortable clothes because, again, I'm getting dressed to make myself feel human. It just isn't the same if I've barely changed out of my night gown.

Buy some nice lingerie. If you're going to wear tshirts and jeans to soccer games and ballet - because they are most comfortable - at least wear sexy/cute underwear. Your husband will like it. You'll feel better...

Constantly reassess your balance. The number one conversation amongst my fellow moms is the work balance in the house. We often feel like we've got the most on our shoulders. In talking to my husband, the guys feel like the moms either don't want to go out (we're not as good at leaving the kids) or we don't give them dads a chance to be the nurturers/doctors/cooks/etc.
We've just gone through a reassessment in our household as despite the fact that we both have full time jobs, I'm the one making lunches, chauffeuring kids to soccer, gymnastics, leaving early to get them from after school programs, enforcing that homework get completed and extra work done where the kids need help, setting and taking time from work to attend doctor and dental appointments, making dinner, etc... I've been feeling overwhelmed. It just took a civil conversation explaining how I'm feeling and what I need help with (best if he volunteers :)). We've got more figuring out ahead, but the conversation helped.

I guess the bottom line is that it sounds like a lot of work, and truthfully, you have to constantly work at balancing you time into your life, but the things I've mentioned above are a lot easier than they sound. And for the impact - totally worth the energy.

I hear you. It is hard. Start with small goals. Figure out which one you need to add back into your life first. Take your kids to the gym with you and put them in the day care. Yes it probably costs extra, but it's worth it. I have found a time, that I didn't love, but it worked for us and I am going on a more regular basis to the gym and it helps. A lot. sometimes I feel bad that I'm dragging the kids along and they're tired, or hungry, or whatever but I have to remember that I need that time too. And...yes by the time I get in the car to the gym, get the kids dropped off and actually onto a machine...I only have about 30 minutes but I do it anyway b/c I figure 30 is better than 0!!

Also, gather your mom friends together for day time play dates. I thought Sarah had a lot of good ideas and my friends and I do similar things. We have started doing craft Wednesdays and we all rotate and provide an activity and lunch. It's fun and it keeps the kids engaged. The craft usually only takes about 30 minutes and then the kids just play and we talk. Fall weather is perfect to grab a Starbuck's and meet at the park for an hour too...take turns going through the drive thru for you and a girlfriend and relax a little! Spending time with friends with your kids around isn't perfect, but it provides a healthy dose of mommy time and stress reliever. Plus, sometimes you just need another adult to give you perspective on your own kids' issues or step in and deal with them for just 10 minutes!

If possible, try and plan a vacation of some kind with your hubby. Of course it depends if you have reliable family/friends/sitters who can watch the kids overnight for some time, but if you can make it happen...you should! My husband has been working crazy hours lately and it's really hard on me and the kids (3 and 1 y/o) but I have found myself lately just repeating to myself that we're going on a cruise in January, and although January is sooooo far away at this point...it still keeps me going! Now, I'm sure as soon as that vacation is over it will feel like it never existed, but we all need time to reconnect with our hubby!

Hang in there and just try things until you find what works for you. Try classes for yourself and for the kids. Try story times and play dates and just get out of the house sometimes. i'm sure you probably do all this, but find a schedule that works, and find some go-to friends that you can rely on to save you when you need it!

You might want to check out the website www.flylady.net. It's a wonderful tool for learning how to "declutter" one's life, both physically and mentally, in a fun, lighthearted way. My best friend got me hooked and I have so much more time for me now. It's pretty amazing. It may sound hokey at first, but do give it a try.

Good luck!

I don't know, honey. I escaped and went back to school to get my PhD. I stayed home for 3 1/2 years. Loved it for the first 2 1/2, then baby #2 came along and the stay at home bliss I once experienced turned to pure hell. Love my kids, mind you, loved staying home, but MYSELF had gone out the window and needed replaced. So I escaped.

I know that's not what you're looking for, but having this time to better myself and be AWAY from the house and letting someone else make breakfast and lunch is the best thing ever. Honestly. So, maybe if there was one or two days a week that you could get a sitter and make some extra money for the fam, or if you'd be willing to switch off child care with a friend, just so you could each get out of the house every other week?

Good luck!

When my girls were small, my husband and I didn't necessarily have date nite every week but when our anniversary or birthdays rolled around and relatves would ask "What do you want for your birthday/anniversary, etc.?", we always asked them to watch the girls. We were able to get away for a night out and go somewhere for the night together...and not necessarily on our exact birthdays, but close, and barring the girls did not come down with sniffles or the like. We look back at this time and are so glad we were able to make this happen, eventhough it was only for a short while. Enjoy your kids!

I am a SAHM of one 2 year old. I know where you are because I've been there and am still there very often. I am pretty sure I did lose myself because combine with that transition to staying home and being a Mommy with a cross country move from a home and place that I loved to a place I don't care for so much.

I agree strongly with the gym membership. I am heavier and more out of shape than I was pregnant, but knowing that I have that place to go and work out my mind and body-even if I only make it a day or two a week is HUGE.

Find an outlet, for me it's become writing, slowly purging our home of all excess and unused items, and dedicating myself to making the time I spend at home with my child as memorable as possible.

You just have to find little ways everyday to get you back.

Hi there,
I forced myself to justify the expensive health club, Lifetime Fitness. I have been there for two years and 15 pounds are somewhere on the stair climber and the treadmill. It has saved my sanity. I may be stinky when I pick them up from school but I am happy. Do you know of another mom who could be your walking friend? Mall walking is much more popular that I would have imagined! How quickly can your husband change gears when he gets home?
You are doing the right thing by asking the question and trying to fix it. I hope you find a solution. It's nice not being an unhappy mommy.

L. L.