How to Make the Right Choice

Well I was in a similar situation as you are in. My ex and my daughter's father is 39 and still hasn't "grown up". He's living with a gay man who pays all of his bills, has had 7 girlfriends in the past 1 1/2 years, has been engaged twice, the first ending in a domestic violence charge against him, the second got engaged in September, got marriage license in October, got married week before Thanksgiving and a week before Christmas he found her high and drunk in a bar after being gone for three days. Needless to say he now has another girlfriend and is still living with this other man. He seems to think this is a "normal lifestyle" and that things should be handed to him and the world revolves around him. My advise to you is to get OUT NOW, he will never grow up if he has not by the time you had the first child.

Been there, done that. M.

If you allow him to treat you like this he will always treat you like this. You need to stand for yourself and your children. Do not put up with it. Later in life you will look back & ask yourself why did I waste all that time on him? Jesus loves you and your children. Fall on Him. Give your life to Him and He will take care of you and your little angels. Trust in Him...He has the perfect special guy out there for you if you just trust in Him. From what I understand in your request, your boyfriend isn't even willing to commit to you or the children. Please think of yourself and your children. It is better to be alone with Jesus then to put yourself and your children in danger with this guy. Try to remember most parents love their children and only want what is best for them. Maybe your family see's what this guy is really like and can see a path of danger for you and only want what's best. I know it's hard to hear, but I feel your pain. I want to be here for you. I will keep you in my prayer.

Wow girl, this has been a rough few years hasn't it! Well I don't know the whole situation but it sounds like this split is a good thing for the moment. I got from your post that he can be violent at times and that is just not good for you or your kiddos. It is totally understandable that you still have strong feelings for him as he is the father of your children but I think you have to think of you and your kids right now. What course of action is going to give you and your kids peace, stability, and security. That is really important. It sounds like you are a loving and forgiving person and that is such a great thing, but right now you may have to let your tough side rise up so you can give your kids the best life possible. The worst feeling in the world is approaching your front door every day and not knowing what things are like on the other side. Even if times are tough financially if your home is peaceful you can get through it. I just want to encourage you to focus on you for a while. You are pregnant and your number one job right now is to have that precious little baby as stress free as possible. It sounds like your guy has some growing up to do and that is a project he will have to figure out on his own. You can never change anybody they have to choose the life they want. Pray for him, let him see his kids if that is not a dangerous situation, and put you and your kids first. If he begins to pursue really getting down to the business of being a husband and a dad, pursue some good counseling to get you guys off to a good start. Take care and congrats on your new baby!

Personally, I don't think it is a choice between your family and friends or your boyfriend. I think it is a choice between what is right for your children and their father. If he is not ready to "grow up" and take responsibility for his own actions and cannot control his violent behavior, it would be difficult for me to stay with him, knowing that I would be bringing my children up to be just like him. If you condone his behavior, your children will think that it is the way that people should be and they will turn out that way as well.

No matter what you feel like, you have to put your kids first here. I don't know of many people that want to have children just so they can grow up and not be a good person. People want to have a productive member of society and it doesn't sound like he is like that. How can you teach your children to do good and aspire to reach their potential when they see their dad all of the time doing the exact opposite?

In the past year, I dealt with a similar situation with a friend of mine. Her husband never wanted to grow up and take responsibility for his growing family and he finally decided that he just didn't want to do it any more when she was already pregnant with their second. She found out very quickly that she still had tons of family and friends that rallied around her to help and that her ex is just too busy doing what he wants to be an active part of his children's lives. The oldest (3) already sees it and asks questions.

If you tell the dad to take a hike, one of two things will happen...he will stay the way he is currently, or he will buck up and change.

If you decide to stay with him, BOTH of you will NEED councelling to sort through everything and find a way to raise your children to be better than him from the start.

You don't have to choose between your children's father & your family. You have to prioritize. Let me tell you, I am one of the lucky ones. My husband and I got pregnant when I was 17 and he was 19, and it was tough for 8 years! The same thing with bars, friends and all that childishness. I just stuck it out because I loved him so much. But finally when I realized it was worse on our kids, or as Dr. Phil puts it - kids would rather be FROM a broken home, than LIVE in one, I put my foot down. Lucky for me, he straightened up, and we are happier than ever. He just needed that kick in the rear! But do what feels right in your heart and trust me, if and when you are ever ready to be done, YOU are the only one who can know that. Just explain that to your family and tell them that, while you appreciate their love and protection, you need to try and make this work. If it doesn't you want to feel safe enough to go to them without the "I told you so's".

Trust your heart & your gut. As long as you are taking care of you and your kids and giving them the best home you can, you are doing the right thing. As a mom, you'll know when your hubby's irresponsibility is too much for you and them.

Follow your heart not your head. You can't change him, he has to really want it for himself. Maybe a break is a good idea. Are you afraid of being alone? That's not a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. Don't settle for mediocre. You know you deserve better than that. And, if you accept bad behavior then that is what you will get. Have more self respect and love for yourself. Your family and friends just care for you and want the best for you, but they should not put you in a position to have to choose.

You are not an idiot, just wishful. He sounds alot like my Ex. The thing is, you have two precious number 1's in your life (as it should be), and it sounds like his priorities aren't straight yet. Unfortuanately, you can't make PeterPan grow up. As a single mom, who's Ex left her completely when I was 3 months pregnant, I thought being a single mom was the worst thing in the world,but to my surprise, it's the badge of courage I wear most proudly. The man I thought I was in love with, is nothing more than a joke to me now. My rose tinted, I'm going to love all the bad right out of him glasses are off and have been for a long time, thank God! It takes time and tears honey, but you need to do what is best for you and your children. The only temper tantrums you should be worried about are those of your kids. Let him go, for now at least. Give him the room to decided to grow up or not, and in the meantimem, you'll be giving yourself the space you need, to see what is really out there for you, which isn't necessarily always a man. Hang in there, the road is tough, but well worth the off road drive.

Hi A.,
You sound very strong. And you are working to keep your family together and that is the right thing. I think counseling is a very good idea. However, if your man is not treating you and your child(ren) with loving kindness you should not stay with him.
And listen to your family and friends. Sometimes they can see what you cannot. It happened to me several years ago, so I know it is hard. But removing yourself from a bad situation is complicated and difficult and your family and friends love you.
It sounds like you have a lot to think about right now and I wish you the best. Stay strong!

A.,

You are right with having to make a choice, but if you family and friends are true, then the choice you make is what is best for you and they should support you however you decide.
As far as your boyfriend not ready to grow up yet, that is probably true, and that is what you have accepted. You made that choice when you decided to be with him and when you allowed the 1st and now 2nd pregnancy.

Part of what you are saying is that YOU want change from him for things he has showed he is not ready for. If I understand correctly you are not married therefore why are you expecting him to act like a husband? Why should you act as his wife? One or both are not ready for that yet and should not be expected to act as such.

As far as a father is concerned. As a single father is he there to fill the needs of the child? If yes then he is doing his duty. You have set up a hard relationship for your family (your boyfriend and your children).

You are expecting him to be as responsible as you. There is one thing you are forgetting: "He is not you." He has his own way in life. If you cannot accept his ways then you do need to find someone you can accept.

Things do change, people do grow up (women faster that men)but only because they want to in their hearts and for themselves not for others. It never works for change ones life for someone else.

My advise to you would be to keep the relationship what it is now. Boyfriend and Girlfriend. He is the father of your children. He is not as least at this time your husband and daddy to your children so don't treat him as such and you act as such. The more you try to tell him how to be the more he WILL resist. It is just human nature. Back off a bit and let him realize that if he WANTS to be a husband and a daddy he needs to step up to the plate and EARN the the title not just have it given to him.

I believe a succesful relationship is one that each other is there for each other not one telling the other how who and what to be.

Hi A. - I can't seem to get past the "violent temper" part. Your children are your number one priority and you have to remember that whatever goes on in the house is being modeled for your children. Is this something that you want your children to choose for their lives when they are old enough for a relationship .... because they will? If not then for their sake you should get out. If nothing else, set some very clear boundaries and follow up with counseling to make sure they are not crossed. Remember .... your children are watching and you are showing them how relationships should be

Good Luck!

A.,

You can not change a person they have to decide that they want to change themselves. It sounds like you are ready to be responsible, but he is not. For some reason men have a hard time growing up. My advice is don't let him bring you down. If he is really the one he will see what he has lost and start being more responsible. If he doesn't then he is not the ONE. What do we do with spoiled food? We toss it. Life doesn't have to be so complicated. Decide what you want then go for it. My sister went through the same thing. Her baby's Daddy is a spoiled little boy and still hasn't changed, but at least she got out and is bettering herself for her daughter. Being a single mom is tough, but many women have done it. You need to be happy with who you are and if this man doesn't make you happy or even try to make you happy you don't need him. Become your own woman and when you are ready God will send you a good man. Goodluck and God bless you.
M. k.

A., You need to know girl that you were made in Gods image!!! A princess to the King of Kings. Are you being treated like a princess? I have been married many years and I have to tell you that life does not get easier. You have to have a man that you can count on. That you can count on being there to back you up when you need him, to raise your children, to provide. Is he the man you want your children to look up to? When they grow up will it be okay with you if they behave like he is behaving? The Lord cares very much about how you are treated and how your children are treated. He is your best counsel. Ask Him what the right choice is..... and if your willing to listen, he will tell you.

I know that it may be hard to hear this, but you asked for advice!

You did not paint a very flattering picture of your boyfriend, or of your relationship. You DO need to make a choice. I think that it is time for a permanent split. You need to put your children and yourself ahead of him and his childishness. Especially now that there will be two children involved. Those children need a stable environment full of love and nurturing. You cannot provide that with him. My advice would be to severely limit contact with him until he successfully completes an anger management course and you see positive changes from him that last at least a year. Then and ONLY then can you start to let him have more of a role in your life and the lives of your children. It seems that you have friends and family who care about you. You can look to them for help and support during and after your pregnancy. I'm sure that they will be happy to step up and help out if they see that you are breaking free from this relationship.

Please, for the sake of the kids, get away from this guy.

A.-
I watched my sweet cousin go through this same thing. She tried for 8 years (and 4 kids) to keep her relationship with her boyfriend because she loved him and wanted him to stay the father of her kids. After those 8 years he finally said he was finished and didn't want to be with her anymore. Now her life has fallen apart because she spent so much time doing what he wanted to keep him happy. Her children are a mess because they watched their father scream and yell at their mother, so they do it too! She says that she wished she would have known that you can't change someone no matter how much you love them. If you aren't happy, and he isn't happy, maybe it would be better for the two of you to go your separate ways. I'm sure there are other men out there who would treat you better and who will love your children too.
Good luck, sweetheart! I feel for you!

I think counseling is your best option. If money is an issue look for psychotherapists that work in a non-profit setting on a sliding scale. In addition there are anger management groups for men that would be a great idea for him. Another word of advice is that a happy home is what is best for the whole family (you and your children). Children exposed to violence changes who they are, effects their esteem, etc. Family and friends love you more than anyone and are there for a lifetime;there is a reason they do not like him (I have been there with an ex of mine)that may become very evident as the years progress.

Also a free resource is "Focus on the Family". They are just a phone call away. Even if you are not religious they are friendly and helpful. Check the internet for their 1-800 number.

Good luck girlfriend. We are all here for you. :)

People can not be forced to change, they must want to and it doesn't seem that he really wants to. My mom stayed with my dad for years because he was the father of her children and because she loved him very much but you know what our childhood sucked. Children sense when something is wrong and as they get older it will be harder for them to accept him leaving. My advise is do the counseling since he is willing and hope that it helps but be realistic because I honestly believe this is your last realist chance at making it work. Like that song goes sometimes love just isn't enough, he has a family to help support and you deserve the support. You don't want to end up regretting many years of your life.

well i am not a professional at this but I have been where you are on more than one occaision. Here is where you stop listening to your friends and family about what they think you should do. You never really know how you feel or what yu should do until it happens to you. so in some instances yes people can change and in some they can't. if this man is hitting on you then yes leave.. i kept mine around for 3 years and nothing ever changed. if you feel in your heart that it can eventually work out then give it your all and try to work on it. if you feel that this is it and ther eis just no way you can be hurt again and go threw this then get out the ice cream, turn on a sad movie and get your crying out. wake up tomorrow and start a new life with a new you. the most important is to make sure you put your kids first when weighing out your options.

Just so you know, i have felt the pain that you feel. But if you love him and want to be with him then your family will have to accept that. But also keep this in mind before you decide to go back to him. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

Yes A. things do change but usually not for the better. It should be the best it ever will be during dating. Let me restate that. When you date even for 3 years you will/should be glowing. Married life is wonderful but if you do not have a solid foundation you will never make the ruff spots. Married life is never 50/50 it usually is 70/30 or 40/60. Both partners need to be there to help the other out. What you wrote sounds like the "father" is still very young and wants to do his thing. That will not work in a marriage. Please consider what your family and friends are trying to tell you. The LOVE you have today may fade into a different kind of love - do you have the friendship needed to make a marriage work?

My now husband and I have been together for 4 years, almost married for two. We have a 2 1/2 year old and a 10 week old. I got pregnant while we were seeing each other long distance. I quit school in Missouri to move to where he was at (sold everything I had, etc.). We fought so much the first year until our son was born, and temporarily, things changed. He stopped going out, he was a family man. He was kinder and thought about me and my feelings a lot more; but over the last 2 years, it's gotten back to the arguing again. My family also doesn't think he is the greatest, and I have lost almost all my friends over him. I love him, and he loves me, but sometimes I don't think guys know how to treat us...if he wants to learn, show him without arguing with him (I'm still trying to learn this). It is truly hard to talk to your friends and family when all they think of him is the negative.

You should read what you wrote. The answer is right there. You are in love with a selfish child. There is something to say when your family and friends don't care for the boy (not man) Get out why you can. This is not love. Love is kindness, caring, be there no matter what for you. My first husband was awful. Thought I could change him. Well, to be honest, I really didn't know what he was up to until the end. Thank goodness I got out with only 1 child. I am now married for 20 years to a wonderful man and father. Very honorable. You can have the same but be aware, most people pick the same kind of person the second go round. Never get involved with anyone your family and friends don't approve of. That should always be a BIG red flag.
PS. Remember what your children are witnessing every time you fight. Not good at all.

A.,

I can fully relate to your story. I had 3 kids with a man that was not ready to be a husband or a father. I stayed with him 10 years. We only stayed together for the kids, yes, I thought I could change him or that he would eventually come around. And yes, he did provide financially for the family, but we pretty much pretended the whole way. He eventually cheated on me with another woman. And let me say this......he was not the cheating kind. He was just not into the family and kids thing. Some men aren't. Now, we have been divorced for 3 years and he has seen his kids less than 10 times. They get into the mood.....then get out of it. It's like my kids have a part-time dad. He is a dad when he wants to be. Don't put yourself through it. You can't force a man to stick with you. He either wants it or he doesn't. Black or white there's no room for gray. Your kids need a Mom now. Take care of yourself and them. You can't afford to wait around for a man to make up his mind.

Rebecca

Hi A. -

First I just want to say bless your heart for having to go through all this with one young child AND being pregnant wtih your second! This situation would NEVER be easy, and your circumstances make them that much worse.

Counseling is always a good start. Perhaps you should consider going just for yourself as well as with him. Yuo did not listed your age or the two "slip ups" that your boyfriend made. You sound young and I hope the slip ups were not with other woman. There is A LOT of support from Counselors that those types of things typically do not change. Many times it's best for you, and the children if the father is not in the picture. :( Never think you can change a person, it will only cause you more heartache.

Best of luck to you!

lose the Loser, in a short time you will wonder why you wasted your time and energy with him. Good Luck, your family and friends will help you raise your babies.

Well first I wanted to apologize for responding so late. I meant to respond the day I got this, but I put it off...Anyways, from my own experience this is what i've learned. First, that we can't expect people to change, ESPECIALLY when they show no desire to or when they continue do the same things over again. But just NEVER expect change. If nothing changes, nothing changes. My boyfriend and I were together for a very short time when I got pregnant and it's been on again and off again for almost 3 years now(my son just turned 2). The thing is, you CAN'T MAKE them want to grow up. They will whenever they are ready and sometimes it takes longer than we want and sometimes they never do. And sometimes it's just because they aren't the right person for us no matter HOW MUCH WE WANT THEM TOO. I love my boyfriend VERY MUCH but I did end up breaking up with him finally(again)(very recently) bc I just couldn't do it anymore. One thing I realized was that I do everything for him so it doesn't give him an opportunity to take responsibility. The thing is that sometimes you have to COMPLETELY let go and see what they do. Let them prove to you one way or another if they want to be with you and are willing to work at it. Don't do anything to help them and see what their actions show. Remember words are just words but actions prove words to be true or false. My question to you is ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE RIGHT NOW??? Don't expect them to be different. Can you live with how things are now? That's your answer. Having family and friends against your boyfriend is TUFF...trust me I know how that goes bc I have the same issue. The bottom line is that no matter what anyone says, it's all up to you and YOU DESERVE to be happy whether its with this guy or someone else. My suggestion is to make a list of things you want in your future husband/partner and things that you will and won't accept(behavioral wise/etc). Then set a time limit a week or so and see how you are feeling and if your getting out of the relationship what you want. Whatever you want is what you deserve to have and you can have it. I hear you about not being 100% ready to give up just yet. And it's okay to be there. I know this part stinks, but the answer will come in time. Or at least that's been my experience. All I know is that for NOW we aren't suppose to be together and it's just not working out. That doesn't mean that later on down the road once we've both grown up a bit we won't get back together, but for now it's just not right. Remember that you never know what the future holds and sometimes you have to let go of the good and great ones to get the very best! And my last words are probably something you've heard before...Sometimes you have to let go of the one's you love, if they come back to you then it was meant to be. God has a great plan for your life and remember that if you do what's best for YOU, it's what's best for everyone involved even if they don't realize it!!! Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to e-mail or message me. I know how hard this decision is! Sorry for writing so much I just felt really compelled to share my experience and opinions!

If things have not changed in 3 years there not going to change and your not going to be able to change him. One thing that I've learn in my years and through counseling is that you can not change people, places or things.

If you have been allowing and accepting this kind of behavior from him from the beinging you can't expect him to change now, and more than likely he wont, why should he and if he does it will only be for a while to get you to believe in him long enough to gain your love and trust again. Once he does that he'll right back to his old behavior.

If you family dont like him, it must be for a reason. have you sat down and written the postivies and negatives of your relationship? Which out weigh the other?

Are you really in Love with him or do you just love him because he is the father of your children. there is a differences in being in love and loving someone.

You have alot to think about, it's just not you, you have two young lives to think about as well. Is this the kind of life you want your children to grown up in, or too grown up thinking it is alright to live this way, and this is how women should be treated?

I speak from expericence.i lived a life simalr to this for too long. I saw this sing early in my marriage and I too thought I could change him and belived he was wonderful when he was good, I saw what no one else want too or could see, only to fool myself into a life of denile and unhappiness for 17years........and 3 children later who endup paying the price for what i thought was the right to do, was to try to make my marriage work for them. (big mistake on my part)

Take this time that your guys are apart and stay apart for at least 90days and seek counseling if that is what you guys really want and try to focus on what is important to you and what your willing to accept and give up to stay with him.

Simple test get a note book on one page write all the postive things about him and your relationship with him.

on another write all the negative things about him and your relationship with him.

You'll be surprised which one you fill out faster.

All I can say is that all relationships are different and you have to follow your heart and let God guide you to where you need to be. do what is right for you, what is going to make you happy.........? also where will your children feel loved and safe.

A. you have heard that old saying "you can't see the forest for the trees" well you are in the middle of that forest and so you can't see the whole picture, the trees are blocking your view. However, your family and friends "CAN" see the forest and that is why they can better judge your situation than you can! trust their judgment, they love you and want what's best for you! the reason it is so good when it is good, is because that's how the abusive male works! you see he is such a good man when he is trying to make up for being such a bad one! a really good man doesn't have to make up for the bad times! he may not go overboard with those good times but you will never have to go through the abusive, and neglectful times! your right you shouldn't have to make him grow up! he should do that on his own, because he wants to do that for you and your children! listen to your family and friends, they can see each and every individual tree in that forest! Good luck! be wise!

A., you really need to talk to someone independent about him and your relationship to try and get some perspective to allow you to decide what's best not only for you, but for the babies you have together (including the one on the way). Try the Womens Centre for some help working through what the issues really are and what you really want to do. Remember, sometimes, you just can't have what you want because the only person you can change is yourself.
Best of luck with the pregnancy and the decision.

Ohhh, A., I've been where you are and I know the struggles you are dealing with. I can't tell you what to do with your life, but I can tell you what I did. I was married to a man whom I loved very much but he had a violent temper, only at times like you said. Other times were wonderful; he had a great sense of humor, fun to be with, caring, said he loved me, always apologized and always promised to never do it again when he did explode. I felt caught in the middle because my family did not like the way he acted and I was always making excuses for him. We had a child together and were elated for a while, but the temper flared enough that we grew apart and seperated but I never would completely walk away because I felt like we were supposed to be together and we owed it to our child to stay together. What finally convinced me that I needed to walk away was being pinned to the floor one day and watching him run out the door with our child in his hands. That was where I drew the straw. No child deserves to live in a home of violence, no matter how seldom it occurs. I was angry because I was physically hurt and because he scared me so bad, but I was just heartbroken that I had put my child through such an experience. We left that day and never went back...and it was the best decision I could have made. I am now married to a wonderful man who would never lay a hand on anyone and the feeling of security that I get from that is wonderful.
You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for and God will take care of you and your sweet children, but it's going to be up to you to make a decision one way or another. Listen to that little voice in your head, you know what's right and I'm sure that's all you want for yourself and your children.
Be strong! I'll say a prayer for you!

you sound like i used to sound! go to counseling!! it was one of the best things we have done! we went to counseling at our church and started attending church regularly. we also found hobby's that we could do together that we both really enjoyed! the best thing we did was buy a four wheeler! now on saturdays we go down to the creek and go riding together, sometimes we take our 2yr old and sometimes we just go alone. find interesting things to do that you both enjoy will help him to see that he can have fun with you & the kids without hanging out with his friends in a bar! Good Luck and dont give up on him if you still love him! if you were DONE you would know it and there would be no doubt in your mind.

If you'd like to wait another 20 years for him to grow up, he'll probably change then. Quit settling for less than the best. History tends to repeat itself. Put your bars higher than you are allowing. Respect yourself enough to take a stand and then keep that stand. By giving in to him, you are setting the bar to where he will always be under it. Don't be afraid to be alone. Get involved with a local church. Best wishes.

No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that things might change, they usually don't. I am a 46 year old single mom who recently let my exhusband move back in so we could try to repair our relationship. We have always been great friends(have known each other since we were 12!). He is an alcoholic and gets really mean(verbally,not physical)when he drinks. That is why we split 6 years ago. Guess what! He has not changed a bit. He was really doing good at first but at the first sign of stress...guess what he did!

It is hard to let go of something that has it's good times, especially when you mix in two little gifts from Heaven. But the bad rarely goes away. Don't waste years of your life trying to make it work and ignoring the bad times. The bad can so easily and quickly overshadow the few good moments. I wasted 15 years thinking he would eventually change...now it is 6 years later and nothing has changed.

Learn to love you for who you are and you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Let him be a part of your kid's lives, but don't hold out hope that he should be part of yours.

I don't think you have to choose I was in the same place but not right out of high school but out of college and we both decided that to make everything stop about the family and friend arguing over him to just get married because we had fights like you but in the end we still love each other to dealth but I've been married to him for a while now and the whole aguing thing just stoped or at least out loud! I know they still think things in the head but they at least show so kind of resect about him and me! I think they only had a problem about us having kids and not married but now it's better but don't EVER tink you have to pick because in the end you and someone else gets hurt but take time to think it through and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here in the same situation so I know what to expect!

A., my heart goes out to you as you struggle with some very tough issues. These issues are not to be taken lightly and you definitely need to know the very best advise. So where do any of us go to get the best of advise? Friends? Family? People we don't know? Who IS the authority on life that can tell you exactly what YOU should do? No one single person - but God can. God loves you and he has a wonderful plan for your life and the life of your babies. God can turn a heart of stone to heart of full of mushy love and dedication. I urge you to get down on your knees and pray to God with the utmost sincerity. Just talk to God like you would talk to your most personal friend. Cry with him, yell at him. He will see you through all the different emotions you are going through and He will direct your ways to a life that is the very best for you and those kiddos. I say this with experience. I was divorced with a 3 month old baby and had no where to turn - except good meaning friends. Friends sometimes have good advise - but its not necessarily good advise for you. God ALWAYS knows what is good for you. Its not always the easy route, but its certainly the best route. God can turn lemons into lemonade - and He wants to! Just call out to him and tell him all about your situation - he already knows but he wants you to confess to him and get the healing from within that you need so that you and He can start working on life together - whether or not that includes the daddy of your children is up to you and God. I pray for you A. that you will start seeking God's guidance on your very big decisions. This discussion board is great for help with diaper changing and new products and how to lose weight, etc., but life issues such as your require the perfect authority and that is God. God has blessed you with those 2 babies. Go to Him so you'll make the right decision for those 2 babies. Please seek out a Christian counselor or a Christian pastor that can provide you guidance in your journey. I would also like to recommend a really great book called "The Five Love Languages". Its great for understanding how to communicate with the one that you love. You can learn alot about yourself in the process. Its a short and easy book to read. God loves you A., and so do I. Feel free to contact me directly at ____@____.com Bless you.
K.

Dear A.,
There is no right choice in this one. I felt I had to answer you not because I have been through this but because my best friend went through it. I can tell you she is still married, has had an affair, and her child has paid for their mistakes. You really need to stop and think is this the kind of relationship you want your children to view? He will always be their father but it takes a lot more than just having the kid to be a dad. If he is willing to drop the temper and the bar then you should give him that chance but it takes two to make a family and so far from what you have said you seem to be the one to take the initiative and he isn't doing much. Your friends and family are upset because they see you upset and if they see more of that than the good times then how can you blame them? You need to love yourself a little more and do what is best for your children. Once you have that balance you will have the strength to do more and to see what other people might see and you don't. Love is blind and we don't choose whom we will fall in love with but once children are involved you have to view all aspects of that love. Good luck to you. I hope the counseling helps I know for a fact it does but you need to be ready for the outcome!

Although I understand how you feel, I think you should begin thinking rationally about your children's future. Most men make an initial effort to modify their behavior when you threated to leave them. Very few men stay on this modified plan, traditionally they revert to whoever they are when you meet them. If there are things in the relationship that are not working for you, then you need to make a choice. If you decide to stay, then you are saying you are willing to accept your husband as he is without expecting him to change. Otherwise you should get out now, while your children are young so they don't grow up bouncing back and forth and have to watch you two fighting all the time.
Whatever you decide, make sure it's really what you want and what you are ready to live with. Don't let anyone convince you to do something you don't want to.

Never base a relationship on what might be. You have to look at what you have now. If you can't live with what he has to offer now, then think twice about staying. You can't count on him changing. He may change for a while, but is it real. Your family and friends are looking out for you. If it falls apart again, you need them to help you put the pieces back together. I did walk away from a troubled relationship and I am so happy I did. I have a wonderful man who is a great husband and father. You can follow your heart, but don't shut out your brain in the process.

think of youe kids !!!!! They never change or grow up !!!! You currently have three childern !!!

I'd say do what is best for you and for your children and don't worry about anyone else. But really REALLY try to take an honest and objective look at what is best, and accept the fact that what you want (i.e. a relationship with this person) might not be what is best. Alot of times our family and friends see things that we refuse to see, things that will hurt us, and it appears that the way he treats you is the reason they feel the way they do.

My relationship with my husband has had alot of ups and downs, it is very good now, and the reason for that is we started going to Church. God changed our lives, honestly and totally. Just a thought :)

One more thing, life is too short to spend it with someone who treats you badly. There are alot of good men out there who ARE ready to be husbands and fathers, even when they are young.

Sounds to me like everyone is responding out of fear for your safety. I do understand love, and taking the time to wait for someone to grow up. But you have to look at what is going on. Is it going to hurt anyone? Are you or your kids doing without because of it? And really even the biggest problems can be paired with good times. Drunks, druggies,abusers, every dirt bag you can find has good days. They have to in order to keep people around them to infect. I understand love, but you are smart enough to look past yourself. Is it a good health place for you children? Just living together don't make you a family. Your children need your love and respect, put them first. And what your huband needs to realize is the best gift he can give his children is to love and respect you, the mother. I will keep you in my prayers.

Things like this are very hard...I only split with my current husband once and it was for over a year and it was partially drug related and the fact that he was wanting to go out and party all the time too. You have to follow your heart and if he is willing to get help and go to counseling that it a step in the right direction. If it doesn't work then you will know when to let go and you will always love him because he is the father of your children

A.,
I feel for you. My sister is in the same situation right now, minus the kids.
Counceling is great, but both people have to be ready and willing to make changes otherwise you are wasting your time. But it can also work wonders(saved my marriage!).
You should NEVER have to make a choice between your family and friends and the man you love. No one should put you in that situation, it's not fair to you. They might not like your choices, or him for that matter, but if they love you they will respect your decisions. My parents hated my husband at first. But they never made me choose. Once they saw that I was serious and he wasn't going anywhere, they got to know him, and they really like him. My mom was even on his side when I thought I wanted a divorce! Just make sure that you tell people about the good times too, and not just about the things you are unhappy with. It's easy to say all the things that you don't like to your family and friends and we forget to throw in the things that we love and make us happy. If all they have to go on is the bad, of course they won't like him!
I'm not sure how old you are, you said you are young. I am 23 and my husband is 25. We got married when I was 19 and had our first child a year later. It is harder for the men to "grow up", especially if your pregnancy was not planned and came along quickly in the relationship. You were probably still trying to get to know each other and were thrown into parenthood.
You can't change someone. He might "grow up" and take on some responsibility, but you can't "mold" him into someone that you want him to be. Ask yourself if he is really the man that you love for your life partner, or if you love him because he is the father of your children. Don't stay with him if it's just for the kids! You will resent one another in the long run. Trust me, children will be happier with parents that are happy and separated than ones that live together and fight all the time.
Hope I have helped a little. Good luck and FOLLOW YOUR HEART. It never leads us astray!
M.

My heart goes out to you. You are having to deal with adult situations when it clearly sounds like you are not an adult.
Number one thing is you are a mom and these are little human beings that have been trusted to you to help shape their lives. The things you do NOW will affect them the rest of their lives. I am sorry to say that your social life and boyfriend are no longer an issue. You have given up your life for the most part to raise your children. This was your decision and now you must make the best of it.
Boyfriend needs a lot of maturing too but this isn't anything you can force. I hope and pray you make up your mind to stop worrying about him and go to school and make a home for you and your kids.
If these slip-ups of his are other girls then don't kid yourself that he loves you because he doesn't. You deserve a lot more out of a relationship then being a doormat.
You can do this. Know your own strength and make a plan for you future. Better things will start happening for you if you stop feeling sorry about yourself and pull yourself up and work hard at providing a wonderful future for your family on your own.

Well, I have been in the same boat for 12 years. I have turned to everyone and the bible for answers. Let me explain: You are basically married. It is obvious you both love each other or you wouldn’t even try. You will grow together and eventually learn each other inside and out. Love is not like a fairy tale, it is about caring, understanding, forgiving, consistency, and about 2 people’s feelings. Always hear each other out. Don’t assume anything. Only you and he know what goes on in that house, so don’t ask family for ideas. They only care about your feelings. Also, you have a child and one on the way. Your children depend on both of you being there 27/7. I know for a fact, mine hate that I am not with there fathers and judge me big time, even though they have a stepfather. The stepparent is never the Real Parent no matter how hard they try. Work at it. You both made your bed now lay in it. Unless there is physical harm in the relationship, of course you need time away for bigger decisions. What I usually do is tell him what if I was out all night who know where with who knows who and I dont answer my cell and I sneak it and go to sleep like nothing, How would you like it? Sometime put the shoe on the other foot so he can understand. Men dont see things like women do.

You need to ask yourself what is it that you LOVE about this guy. Is it his unwillingness to be responsible, his violent temper, his disregard for life he has created, or that he would rather be out with his friends than home with his family? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU LOVE ABOUT HIM? Now ask yourself, what is it that you want not only for yourself, but for the child you have and the one on the way

A.,
There are so many responses that I am not sure if someone has already said what I will tell you. Sorry If I am jsut repeating but, I think that if your boyfriend is really wanting to stay with you and your kids then he will want to (even almost suggest it) go to joint counseling. Just do not get married thinking that he will change. I personally have learned the hard way that guys do not change the way you want them to. My husband and I definitly had to learn how to become one and how to let some of the not so important things go and how to compromise. With good counseling and awsome conversations with each other we have worked through alot of things. We are both 21 years old and so we had a lot of growing up to do. I will say though that once my hormones got back into shape from being pregnant and breast feeding our relationship got better :) I would look also at your feelings towards him. Are you feeling more like what in the world are you going to do with out him? how are you going to raise a baby(ies)?? or is it really love. Because there will be someone else out there that you can fall in love with and will treat you right etc.. so only stay if you feel that you two can work things out, but know there is an alternative and you won't be alone for the rest of your life..
much love and support
T.

un fortunatly honey you can't MAKE him change. and if having a child and now #2 on the way doesn't change him i am afraid that he won't. you have to ask yourself,,,,,, the way he is now do you want to be with him and stand by him? you can't chooseto stand by him and be with him on the hopes that he will change, it doesn't work like that and it never does. you know i have a friend who has been with her man for 10 years. has a 7 year old and a 14 month old.... they just got married last sept. he is an alcoholic, he has cheated on her when he has been drunk, at my house he put her in a choke hold (drunk), and is very very hateful to her when he is drinking, and the same thing always likes to go out, get drunk while my friend id at home with the kids a cooking cleaning and bathing them. she has left him several times.....but always goes back. he tells her he will change. he does, for a few monthes and everything is great , and then one night it's the same routine. my advice is leave and don't go back until he does change. otherwise he knows you keep comming back so it is okay to slip up and do it again.....she'll be back if i beg and i'm good for awhile!
as far as your friends are, ifthey are making you choose between them then they aren't yout friends. i have been married for about 10 yrs. and we have had our moments and we both have changed over the years......everyone does. no marraige or relationship is perfect, i would never make my friend pick between me or him. i don't care for the man when he treats her like that, he knows that and she knows that, but as her friend i will always support her, be there for her, and even let her cry to me and i not just sit there and say you need to leave him!

life is rough, and you just need to decide what is good for you and your kids. and do you want your kids to learn to act the same way?

hey A.,
i'm going through the SAME thing. it's uncanny how similar our situations are! me and my husband (by common-law) are very young and we've had to go from 18 and 19 to like...25!
we haven't split but have gotten very close to it. we've been talking about separation but nothing final yet. my husband has a bad temper too and he's one of those guys that has to have it HIS WAY, there's no plan b. it's gotta be his way and he's gotta be in charge of everything. nothing has changed in about 2 years for us. i don't have much advice except to just keep going. try and keep your head up and hope for the best. i hope everything works out for the best. GOOD LUCK!

-L.
the MOM team
www.just4mylittlegirl.com
____@____.com

Hi A.,
My name is T. mother of 3 in Austin a quick response.I've been through hell and back w/ my ex.If i can give any woman advise about a man that you describe,one that i had, is that it's not worth it especially if there temper can flair.Do you want your children to learn this behavior because it will be learned.Do YOU want to live w/the what ifs and be misrible most of the time.I didn't make the choice to leave him because i became codependent on him and could'nt make myself leave him. worse came to worse he commited a crime that has put him away for the last 8 years and sad to say that was the best thing that happen to ME.I became independent and learned i was my own person raised my children the last 8 years and i feel i taught them more than i could ever teach if i were still in that situation.I also met the man of my dreams everything you could want in a man.And they are out there.Just don't settle in trying to change that person change yourself so you can show your children the good things in life and not the struggles especially if you have girls.

i think you need to let it go, I know its hard but its the right thing to do. You dont want to end up with more kids when hes not even trying to change right now w/2. If anyone thinks youre stupid, that just shows they dont understand. Its so ez to say "shes crazy, I would never put up with that" or whatever but when you truly love someone its soooo hard. I just hope you can step back and look at whats really happenig with your head and not ur heart and learn that it will be ok. I know so many women in this situation and two things happen, its a repetive cycle with more and more children or they let it go and sometimes he does change and sometimes he does not. I know you want to work it out and Im sure youre in love with him but sometimes you cant be with the one you love. Good luck and God bless you and your babies!!!

Don't stress it all so much. Your family and friends just want you to be safe and happy. You need to do what will make you happy and they will be happy for you, no matter what that ends up being. While his behavior and life choices are a big minus on his side, the fact that he wants to make things right is his plus. Being a mother means you have to put what you want aside and look at what your kids need. Ask yourself, will he be what the kids need in their life on a daily basis? It can't be a once in a while thing. Kids need consistency. I have been in your shoes with my first son's father. I decided that if he wanted to be a part of our life, he had to do what was needed of him. That included growing up. Just like moms have to put their wants aside, so do dads. The kids are what matter. If the kids don't matter enough to him to do the right thing all of the time, then you already know what you will have to do. Hard as it may be, you may have to leave him entirely to let him really see if he can live without all of you. If he can, then he doesn't deserve to be there with you. If he can't live without you, he will do the right thing. It's up to him and you can't force him. My prayers are with you that your hopes and prayers are answered that you may recieve the blessing of a good life for your childrens' sake as well as your own.

First of all, he hasn't really made a committment if you haven't gotten married. It's pretty hard to live with a one sided commitment.

Second of all, it is YOU in the relationship, not your family, not your friends. But remember, Your family is your blood that is your support system and life line. If you have made a commitment to this man, then you owe it to yourself and him to try everything to keep this relationship together. UNLESS it affects the children. They have no one but you to look out for their best interest. See a counselor, but you also have to follow their advice. If he is willing to see one and to try to follow the advice, then give it another chance.

Something to keep in mind is that your children learn everyday from your actions. If he mistreats you (or them) then that is what your child learns as a way of life. Some people do not learn how to treat other people properly. Alot of people do not mature and become selfless untill a much older age. You can't make him grow up. Only he can do that. You only have control of your actions, and your reactions. Your children deserve to be in a happy family and learn how a Daddy loves a Mommy and how we all deserve to be treated.

I am married to a kind and loving man. (Not that we don't have our fighting moments). The one thing that my son will tell you is that he knows how to treat girls...he knows from watching his father. He knows that his father is well respected among his peers and hopes to be like him.

Give your family a chance, if everyone is willing to work at it, make sacrifices, and compromise....then who knows...
But remember, It takes 2 not 1 to make a relationship work. Don't let your kids be victims. They can have a great relationship with their father (if he chooses) even if you don't.

Hi A.. I have been there. I had four kids before the age of 21 and did love my ex husband at one time but, it take two to make it work. Love can turn to hate if don't learn that you deserve better. My ex husband made me think no one was going to want me with three kids (I had a still born) She would have made four. I feel like I waisted Five years for nothing. Maybe doing that time I could have meet the right guy and would not have been crying so much. If you are upset more than you are happy that is a sign to let go.

We are strong and can make it. I did it and am so glad because to this day my ex husband is still the age and we have not been toghter in 16 years. He also did the same thing to his new wife ( who was one of the girl he messed with behind my back) He is now divorced from her as well. She thought she was special and he wouldn't be abusive and two timing. Some men just never change.

Good Luck. Just remember If you write down what is every thing that is bad about him and everything that is good and the bad out does the good, Let him go no matter how much you love him. You might just need to stay friends before that love turns to hate. From some one who has been there.

I feel your situtation .... I have been with my now husband for 13 years. We got pregrant very young and like your man he was very unresponsible. We had alot of ups and downs. When I was pregrant with our second child, I realized he wasnt going to change. He was still a young man, but a wonderful father. As woman we grow up alot faster than them and most man do not realize what they have until it is gone. I was going to leave until I realized we didnt communicate with each other. I didnt know what was he thinking and vice versa. Before I left I told my family and friends this is my choice to make it is my life and i will do what i feel is right. I lost a couple of friends, but when I think back they werent really my friends. My family will love me regardless. I took a step that day and showed him how his life would be with out me and if that is what he wanted. We got to talking but before we did we sat down to talk we made an agreement that we would not fight and yell cause that never solves anything. ( I used to nag him all the time because of his friends) So we each got a piece of paper and wrote down the things that we didnt like that each other was doing and on another paper we wrote why we love eachother and what we like about each other. We worked hard and I didnt give up on him. What i have learned it is all about communication, trust, and hard work. Also we realized what kind of legacy would we be leaving for our children. cause everything we do now affects them in the future. I give you props for trying to make it work.... but sweetie you got to do what is best for you and your children.

my advice to you if he temper is violent then consider that while he may not take it out on the children yet eventually one day it may come to that. you say he likes to be out at the bars and stuff...your first priority should be your children. if this is his life style you have to ask yourself is it what you want for your kids.
my husband and i married after only daiting 3 days and we used to party hard...but when i got pregnant i told him to choose...it was either our old life style or a new one with me and baby. He chose us proving that we are most important. its time for your boyfriend/husband to grow up. If he is big enough to father children he either needs to RAISE THEM or STAY out of their lives. You need to stop and think of whats the BEST FOR THEM.
Hope that helps sweetie

A., I am not going to pretend like I know what you are going through but I do know what it is like to be a child in that situation. We all know how you feel, (you love him but you're not sure). Sit and think how does your 1st child feel? Having Mommy and Daddy fighting, Daddy having a "bad sometimes violent temper". Baby #1 is scared. Keep living like that and BOTH of your children will think this is "normal" and this is the way relationships are. Yes I know we all have some type of problem in our relationships but is saving your relationship worth the feelings of your kids?

I think it is possible, yet highly unlikely that he will change. Go through the counseling and see. Chances are that you will ALWAYS love this man, regardless of whether or not he's right for you. Don't think of it as choosing between him and your family/friends. Think of it as choosing the best possible life with your children! As Ann Landers would say, "Are you better with him or without him?" That should be your answer. ANd honey, VIOLENT tempers should never be tolerated. The things that are bad are really bad, IMO, and not likely to change.

Being a single parent is hard, but are you very far from that if he is not an involved, responsible father? You will always have feelings for this guy, but that doesn't make him right for you. You really have to look at the greater good for your children. Children suffer from divorce/splits, but your kids may be young enough that they won't be as affected. it's a hard decision, but you can't just think of how you want it to work. You need to think about the situation's effect on your children.

A., I know it's not easy, esp. when you have kids with him, and you're not an idiot. The fact that you are asking for advice shows that. I think you need to move out and get your head clearer. He's not even your husband. If you want to work on your relationship, you can do that, but stop living with him and don't go back unless you can see, hear, taste, and touch that he has changed his attitude. (And if you do go back, get married first!) Be prepared for the fact that he probably won't change deeply or permanently, but get on with life for your sake and your kids' sake. Figure out what you want: the ten things you have to have of a husband, and ten things you can't have. If anything on that list doesn't match your boyfriend, move on. Don't settle.

I don't know if you believe in God, but there's a lot of wisdom in the Bible. I read something today in Proverbs that applies to your situation: "Without good direction, people lose their way; the mor wise counsel you follow, the better your chances" (Prov. 11:14). Read the first twelve verses of I Thessalonians 4 for some advice on living life well.

I'll be glad to talk with you some more if you want. Just send me a message.

A.,
It never ceases to amase me how someone thinks they can change someone. You have one child out of wedlock with your boyfriend who doesn't take responsililty for being a father or a husband and now you are pregnant again and
he splits again. You say your family and friends think you are an idot for hanging on to something that is probably never going to change. Well is everyone wrong but you? Maybe you should take off those rose colored glasses and face reality. Your family and friends just want what's best for you and your children. My advise to you is go back to school and learn how to take care of yourself. And move on with YOUR LIFE! Remember you teach people how to treat you. With his temper and willingness to walk away for his family and responsibilities, he doesn't show much love or kindness to you or your children. Maybe somewhere down the road he will wakeup and find that he is ready to grow up and be a man instead of an irresponsible boy.

If you are troubled by some one else's drinking, go to Al-Anon. There you will find the support and encouragement you need to make this decision with peace in your heart and the strength you need to follow through with it.

Huggems

I have some advice for you. It sounds like you're a lot like me in ways of thinking. You're right that you shouldn't have to make him want to be a father. He's gotta make that decision on his own but I know how it can be when they just flat out don't want to. I know you don't want to give up on him, and I'm not saying that you should but maybe giving him a scare of losing you and your child might do the trick. Have you tried dating on these split ups? perhaps the jealousy factor will kick in if he knows you're interested in others. (Even if you're not really)

Counseling should really do the trick as well BUT he also has to want to do that as well. It just sounds like your man lacks motivation. Maybe he's got some issues of his own with himself. Do you compliment him regularly? Does he know you find him attractive?

I don't know. I hope I was of a little help at least. I had a boyfriend like that but we only had one child together. I didn't talk to him for two years and now my son is three and he's trying to take full custody (idiot) and I'm married to the best man on earth now with whom I have a beautiful daughter.

How old is he and how old are you?? You may want to give it another try, but is he willing to give as much as you?? You might need to take some time for yourself and do what is best for all of you. You can't be good for your family, if you can't be good to you FIRST. Only you can make the choice. Your family and friends don't want to see you hurt again and that is their reaction to what they see or hear. But it is still your choice. Only you know what your willing to do or not do. Counseling is good and a start in the right direction. He may not be ready for what it is going to take. Like cutting down on the bar, temper and lack of responsibility, but only he can change that. You only have control over you and the way you react to things. My favorite saying is "I ONLY CAN CONTROL MYSELF". There has to be rules and you have to follow them also. If you say you won't put up with his drinking, temper and such, then you have to be ready to give the consequence. Again, you only have control over you. If you put up with all that is making you unhappy, then only you can change the outcome. No you are not an idiot, yes things can change, but the most you can expect to change is the way you react or don't react to them. Only you know when enough is enough, be GOOD to yourself first and be a good example to your children. Mean what you say and do what you mean. If he is serious about making a family with you, then that comes with responsiblity that only he can make the choice for. You can't choose or make a change for him. If he is not willing to show you the change and being responsible then don't make excuses for him and let him go. You will always be attached when it comes to your children, but again, if the choice is right for the both of you. If it is not, you can only control yourself. Good luck. V. n.

Girl let me tell you the truth. if he REALLY loved you he would not be out with his friends or at bars or having slip ups as you call them. You deserve someone who is gonna be there for you and those kids. Best place to meet someone is church. you need a good christian man who is in it for the long haul. i know, i have one now. i used to be married to the man you are describing. i wasted seven good years of my life trying to make it work. If he is a loser now, what do you think he is gonna be in five years? give up now and start fresh before its too late and you waste your life trying too hard in a one sided relationship.

This is a very tough place to be. I was there, with 2 kids and 7 years of waiting, I gave up. I had given everything I had. It takes a lot out of you to try for yourself and someone else too. I really don't recommend it. You will need all your strength to be a mom. If he really wants to change, he can, but it will be because he wants to, not because you want him to. Until he gets to that point, there really isn't a whole lot you can do. I know what you mean about loving that person, but you have to ask yourself some very hard questions. If he really loved you, why would he be putting you through this? You're not just his girlfriend anymore, you're the mother of his children, and that means more than just loving, that means doing. Love is an action as well as a feeling. Many men take a long time to grow up, and some never do. I don't know which one your man is but the decision is about what is best for you and your 2 kids. Can you handle his slip ups in the future? Even if he gets better, he'll never be perfect. I think that men like that are selfish and only care about what they want. And being selfish isn't something that is overcome easy, if ever. If you do try to work it out or chose to move on, always be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

you are not an idiot. you just described the last 4 yrs of my life. we got married, got pregnant. split up, then had a baby. got back together for the kid, got pregnant again. split up again. had another baby. were split up for a long time. 15 mo. men take a lot longer to grow up than we do. i will tell you the one thing that saved our marriage and our family was God. i prayed and prayed for God to make him be the man that i needed him to be, that his kids needed him to be. the funny thing about God is, He works in His time not ours. My husband and I were weeks away from our divorce being final, when my husband got saved. It made all the difference in our marriage and our lives. I know you may be at a place right now where you say your husband will never do that, but i used to think that as well. my husband was a drinker, with a bad temper and a wondering eye. God has changed all of those things in him. My family used to hate him as well. My mother didn't speak to me for 6 mo when we got back together the last time, but we have to think about what is best for our family. and what was best for mine, was to have a whole family. pray girl, that is the best advice i can give you. pray while you are working, pray while you are driving, pray while your cooking dinner, pray when things are good, pray when things are bad. read the Bible. Find direction. God is listening and your answer will come. All you have to do is ask for it.

I hope I have helped some. If you want to talk about it more let me know. Like i said, i was in your situation.

God Bless!

D. Mattern-Muck
The MOM Team
Raising your income and your rugrats at the same time.
www.formyrugrats.com
"THe only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

The predictor of future behavior is to view past behavior. He will probably never change - this is his character and that is hard to change in a person. Having two children will stress him out even more and maybe distance him from you even further. Ask yourself if you are truly in love with him or with the idea of this happy little family with Daddy. You may surprised with your answer. I'm sorry you are going through this. Hw will always be in you life because of the children. If he has ever hit you please don't go back to him.

I definitely recommend you and your boyfriend go to joint counseling. If he is committed to the relationship, then he will go with you. If he won't then you know he is not. Life is too short and you and your children and too important to let someone's immature emotional outrages overshadow you. Go to a Christian counselor, through your church or one of your choice. Also, do you all have an opportunity to worship together? If he won't go to church with you, then go alone with your child. From there, you can join a mother's support group, and make God the central focus of your life. Once that is established, everything else in your life will become very clear and you will know what to do going forward. Good Luck and God Bless!

Hi A.,
Ultimately, you have to make the choice that is best for you and your two precious children. I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and those you love. Please know that you are not alone. God loves you, your boyfriend, and your children. Though I do not know you personally, I do too.
T.

There have been many wise responses on this thread. One thing I would like to point out is in the first line of your request, "My boyfriend". He is not your husband, you are NOT married to him, you are not a "family" and that brings up HUGE questions in my mind about his commitment to do the right thing. Life is hard enough even when you are MARRIED to "mr wonderful". I know how much your heart yearns for the "ideal" life/marriage and this boy/man does not seem able to step up to the plate. I pray God will give you wisdom, strength and courage to do the hard thing. He may be doing you the biggest favor of all and giving you a way out of years of wasted youth and heartache. Christ's blessings upon you and yours.

Hey A.
my name is D.-i was in a very rocky relationship and marriage for over 6 yrs,i am now divorced,and the ones that are happy are my kids,i'm glad the choice i made was thae kids and not him,they are stable and safe now,the fighting and hurt are gone,just think about was is best for the kids,you can still love him and not be with him,
i know you want to hold on to the good,i did too,the good times just got shorter and shorter,the only thing that can change is you,but i understand how hard this must be for you,

take care
D.