How to Keep the Angry Monster at Bay?

Are you getting enough rest? I know, it's nearly impossible (I have a 3yo and a 6mo so I totally get it). Also, are you getting enough to eat? Sometimes just as I'm losing it I realize it's 3pm and I haven't eaten since breakfast and the problem (along with the 3yo behavior) is that I'm really STARVING! :)

So much for the "terrible two's" I always thought 3 years old was the roughest point with all my chidren ha! I had a 3 yr old and twins that were 1 at one point, so I know exactly how you feel. Yelling doesn't work, it won't make him listen any better and only leaves you stressed and feeling guilty. I know you don't yell because you think it is best, it is purely out of frustration. Take a deep breath and remember how you feel after an outburst whenever you feel your anger rising; that always helped me come back down and redirect my responses to any negative behavior. If you need to, put the baby in a safe place and lock yourself in the bathroom a moment to calm down before addressing the problems with your oldest one. Use time outs, 1 minute per each year of age and hopefully over time that will help with you having to constantly repeat yourself which is annoying, but sometimes that never changes ha. From now til teens I'm sure you'll get sick of repeating yourself. Make sure you're getting enough mommy time out, so you're not so easy to snap! They grow up on you so fast. Someday you'll miss these days remember that.

STRONG recommendations: equip yourself with effective techniques. Learn to see the world more empathetically from your children's point of view. You can accomplish this with two lovely, practical books by Faber and Mazlish: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and Siblings Without Rivalry. Fabulous resources.

Your 3 yr old just doesnt get the concept of what hurts the baby. You'll have to keep reminding him and redirecting him. They probably shouldnt be left alone in a room to play together at this point. Your 3 yr old will learn how to play nice while he sees you doing it. He gets attention when he bops little brother so basically he's still telling you there's a void he needs filled for a little while longer.

Hi S.,

It could be that time of year, less sun exposure = less vitamin d production = more stress and less patience. I'd suggest getting your vitamin d level checked.

I'd also suggest to be sure to apologize when you yell, good role model for your children, if you don't already.

Good luck,
M. D.

Oh the Angry Monster. She visited out house today...

Try reading 1-2-3 Magic. It really stresses clear, calm directions with consequences that do not involve talking. And, it's very easy to read.

Take a deep breath when you start feeling out of control. Try speaking very softly and get down on your son's level to make eye contact. Maybe even take that moment to sit him on your lap and read a short story to calm everyone down.

Good luck!
J.

I EAT IT!

Though I totally don't recommend this. :-)

You're not alone! The toddler thing gets real old, real fast. It also happens when they are older and should know better and not need so many reminders. And then they become teenagers and can't hear you! So it never ends. I think the thing to do is to stop talking so much - they don't retain it. Just remove your "offending" child from the situation. Put him in his room, remove him from his brother and from your attention. He wants your attention. He is old enough to understand that "hitting equals alone in my room" or "pushing equals no fun" -- you can do this without yelling, and by repeating some simple statement like "we don't hit" or "no pushing". Then he goes in his room. It's easier than a time-out chair, in my opinion, because you don't have to spend all that time making them sit in the chair, which gives them MORE attention. Consequences have to be immediate at this age - it doesn't work to say, "You hit your brother so no story later on tonight."

I really think this will be better for all concerned. You have to be disciplined and it doesn't "work" the first time, but it does stop the hitting and although he will scream in the beginning, just ignore it. It will stop. A lot of people use the 3 minutes for 3 years old, 4 minutes for 4 years old guideline. But that's 3 minutes of quiet - don't count the time he's yelling! If he can get out of his room, put one of those childproof doorknob covers on the inside so he can't open the door.

If it happens in a store or at someone else's house, get up and leave. Now. It's frustrating at first, but it works! And the child learns that what Mom says goes.

I have the same problem, my kids are 12 month and 3 in March.

I've been horrible lately yelling at my almost 3 year old. I just have no patience, and I am soooo sick of repeating, repeating, and repeating myself.

Yesterday I told her that if I have to repeat myself, she is going into the TO chair. I am going to try this for a few days and see if it doesn't work. So, after I ask her once, if I have to ask her again, she is going into the TO chair.

I also send her off to her room when I am really mad. She did something to her brother last week and I just screamed at her "go to your room. I am so angry right now."

Mostly, I am trying to remind myself to take three deep breaths before I do anything or say anything. But man is this hard. I need some ME time, but I am just not able to get it at this point.

I get this way when I haven't had any or enough personal time. We need space too and it's hard to be "on" in perfect patient mommy mode - when we are out of touch with ourselves.
My personal time is non existent, b/c of our circumstances, but I find that just getting out of the house and finding activities can help. The eastern trail is great for long walks - my kids would veg (more or less) and I would get head space and exercise. Also the Y has childcare included w/ membership. Another great way to grab some personal time.

Updated

I get this way when I haven't had any or enough personal time. We need space too and it's hard to be "on" in perfect patient mommy mode - when we are out of touch with ourselves.
My personal time is non existent, b/c of our circumstances, but I find that just getting out of the house and finding activities can help. The eastern trail is great for long walks - my kids would veg (more or less) and I would get head space and exercise. Also the Y has childcare included w/ membership. Another great way to grab some personal time.

I feel for you and have been there myself!

What works best for me is to stay positive with my words--instead of "don't hit" say "be gentle." Instead of "don't sit on him" say "sitting next to him now." Instead of putting your son in time out, put the offending toy in time out. It is a lot easier to keep a toy in time out (for a day or a week or however long!) than your child!!! Why make it a struggle...just say it one time--if that toy is naughty, then it will go in time out. Then follow through silently when the offense occurs.

Silence is golden.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!

I am interested in whatever answers you get, because I am dealing with the same thing from my 3 year old DD - she gets whiny, demanding, screams when she doesn't get her way, the whole bit and often by the end of the day, I've had enough. I realize that being tired, and dealing with it all day, makes me less patient. I have started enforcing consequences for when she does not listen (repeatedly asking for something after I've told her no, etc.), such as time-outs, stand in the corner, taking a toy away, etc. You might need to do the same thing with your son (if you are not already) just so he can start to take you seriously and realize that there will be consequences for not listening to Mommy and not following the rules. You can also decide what few simple rules you expect them to follow and post them where they can be seen - I know they can't read yet, but somehow having it in writing helps to drive the point home. If he persists after you have warned him, he goes in time-out. If you are comfortable with having him in time-out in his room, it will give you a chance to calm down too. You may need to get right on his level, hold him by the arms, look him straight in the face, and say, "I have asked you once already to stop hitting your brother. Since you have decided not to listen to Mommy, you will need to stand in the corner for 3 minutes." (or whatever you deem appropriate). And then do it.

Sometimes I just have to take a big deep breath and count to 10 before I just snap and blurt out the first thing that pops into my head. Don't know how much this helps, but at least you know that you are not alone. A co-worker of mine with 4 kids (12 yo twins, 9 yo and 6 yo) and I were commiserating about this and she confessed that the toddler/preschool years were her least favorite - there are more issues when they start school of course, but at least you can reason with them and better expect them to cooperate. It will not last forever!

OK here is one suggestion not mentioned ..... and I'm going to preface it by saying I was in the same place this Summer with my 3 year old son (no baby- just a very strong-willed son) and I tried all of the things mentioned. I found myself fine and happy in the morning and by noon I could feel the "snap" coming. I felt terrible every time I saw his face and even made him cry a few times with my fierce yelling- so not me! I realized it was less him because this is how he's supposed to be acting , as a 3 yr old; I was the one who couldn't deal. There are a lot of stress factors in my life and often feel very overwhelmed by it all and even felt so sad some days, I was just faking it. I had never though I was "depressed" but I was. I am very "natural" and do not take meds when there is an natural alternative, but this was one of those times of surrender. My Dr. told me an anti-depressant wasn't what I felt..... giving up/in..... it was just going to take the edge off the feeling of constantly being on the verge of "snap" with my son. After two weeks a huge difference was felt and later we decreased my dosage from 20mg/day to 10mg/day. I will be working myself off dose in the next 6 months, which is a HUGE change in feeling from what I was going through 6 months ago..... like happy and enjoying my son, even when I'm correcting and he's crazy. I'm not saying this is the road for everyone, but just take a step back and maybe try to stop being such a Wonderwoman.... ask for and get a bit of help.

The only thing I would caution is that if you are breastfeeding, please let your Dr. know. I was not.
Best of luck. Oh....BTW...... you're still a Superwoman!

Separate them. The 3 yr old is still in the parallel play stage - they play next to each other not with each other. If you are not holding the baby, put him in a play pen to protect him from his older brother. Give the 3 yr old things he can do that do not involve the baby. Re direct him. By keeping them as separated as much as you can, you'll head off your trigger points and stay more calm than you otherwise would. When they are together, be there to make sure they are gentle (just like you would with a dog). The 3 yr old might be ready for a few hours of pre school during the week.

Make sure you get a little away time - even just to go to shopping or run errands.
Remember that your children were born knowing nothing and seeing everything for the first time. Imagine how scary and unsure that world would be? They are learning every second of every day and you are their teacher. Would you want a teacher screaming at you? Think of how that would effect your ability or willingness to learn. Yes, kids do learn quickly and they test you but as long as your consistent and firm they will stop. On the other hand, if you yell your only teaching them that behavior is OK and that's what you will get in return. My 2 year old son actually taught me that. My husband and I were having a heated discussion in the car and all the sudden my son just started sqwaking as if he was making fun of us. My husband and I looked at eachother and started laughing becuase he was right ... we were being ridiculous and he parroted that back to us and showed us how silly we sounded and must have looked.
You are so lucky to be able to be a SAHM - remind yourself of that often because if you had to go to work - believe me you would miss every bit of what frustrates you now.

Do you get time to yourself during the week? Time to do something just for you? I am a SAHM as well. I find that when I have some "me" time I'm able to be more patient and happy with my kids. Even though you love your kids it can be hard to be with them all day, every day. (Especially now that it is cold outside and maybe you don't get out of the house with them as much as you do in the warmer months)
Give yourself a break 1 or 2 days a week. Go to the gym and have them at the gym childcare for an hour or two. Get someone to watch them for a few hours once a week. A little time to yourself can make a big difference and make you a happier mom for you and your kids.

Try to get more time.... by yourself/with your friends/alone time/any time to just deflate... on your own.
HAVE your Husband... do his duty... and babysit too... and give you a break.
Because if not, it really builds up and does not just go away.

My kids are 4 and 8 now... and I still fee like that at times. By the end of the day... I just am so worn out. AND then, my Husband comes home from work and will look and me all frazzled or in the middle or scrubbing the floors and will tell me something idiotic like "working in an office is harder... your'e lucky you're home... " etc. Or something like "What are you all tired for? You get to stay home all day..." or, "If the kids fight, just tell them stop. No problem. Why get bent out of shape? Just tell them stop. They should stop."
DUH.
So then, I get more IRKED... because my Husband cannot even relate, nor empathize... with MY day. Or my everyday day's which are all basically about, 2 ACTIVE kids and me.

But I do know... that my "patience" gets very much shortened... once-a-month... per PMS. Otherwise, I can be much more tolerant.

all the best,
Susan

If you discipline him firmly and calmly when he first begins the behaviors he will learn not to do them and/or he will react to your warning alone, and you will have TONS less stress and can enjoy your son more. Calm and understanding are not enough,they need to be in addition to firm discipline. There is no reason he can't learn after one or two times not to push his brother over etc at 3 years old. I have 3 kids in this age range. It's absolutely true.
If I'm letting my kids get to the point where I'm annoyed, I have no one to blame but myself, so rather than yelling at them, I acknowledge my slackitude to myself, re-commit to keeping them in line, and address the next offense calmly, firmly and immediately after ONE warning. They get right back on track. You'll occasionally need to do this, but it does absolutely prevent chronic bad behavior. He's getting away with it which is why you are driven to let your temper escalate.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com