How to I Get My Kids (And Husband) to Do Stuff?

So common yet so annoying. Gotta love how everything gets left to Moms to handle!

I'd have a big meeting and tell them that you are very, very tired of being the whiner, nag, beotch about silly stuff that they should be helping with. I'd write the items on a white board and have an official meeting with them about it.

Explain to them there is no I in TEAM and you aren't getting paid for all you do.

I'd also go to each room and unplug half the lights and see if anyone notices. Money doesn't grow on trees.

I wish you lots of luck!

From my experience moms are expected to be on top of this stuff, but I wouldn't "bite the bullet and shut up about it". I feel everyone needs to work together to contribute to household maintenance.

Something that I've done in the past that I would like to get in the habit of doing again is keeping up with cleaning/stocking on a daily basis. I used to assign one or two rooms to be cleaned on each day of the week. I would check things like soap, toiletries, detergents, pantry staples, etc and write them on my shopping list if they were low or completely gone. That eliminated a lot of issues with running out of items.

I'm lucky that my kids are good about telling me when things are running low. They are 4 and 5 and can't write well yet so it is up to me to add it to the list. As long as I keep the list posted on the fridge my husband will also contribute to it.

As far as turning out lights or refilling used items like putting tp on the roll...I am at a loss where hubby is concerned. Mine could be the only person home and have lights on in 4 rooms of the house. And when he takes out the garbage he doesn't replace the bags he took out of the cans. Drives me nuts! Do your kids receive an allowance or do you use any kind of reward system with them? If so, maybe incorporate that into your system. Maybe something like everytime they leave a light on, take 5 cents out of their allowance.

You could also get them involved in the planning. The day before a planned shopping trip (or an assigned day of every week) give the kids a pen and paper and send them each to a room to restock tp rolls, soap dispensers, pantry items, etc and write down what is low or depleted so you know what to buy. If you want them to check certain items make a checklist for each room (save it on your computer so you can print it out when you need to instead of rewriting it). That will give them some ownership in keeping the house in order and give them some idea of how much work is involved in doing so.

If my husband leaves things lying around I put the items on the table next to his recliner or I leave his dirty dishes at his place at the table. He then cleans up his spaces before he can use them again.

I just remembered something my SIL did regarding dirty dishes. I laugh everytime I think about it. She packed up ALL of her dishes and put them in the attic. Then she assigned each person a color and bought one plate, bowl, cup and I think even set of utensils in that color. Each person was required to wash their dishes and put them away in order to be able to have dishes to use for their next meal. And since everyone knew who was assigned each color it was easy to tell whose dishes were left lying around. I think the message was pretty clear as I recall her kids then started washing pots and pans or putting them into the dishwasher immediately after using them to keep the kitchen in order.

Good luck to you. A family needs to work together to take care of a home. It should not be up to one person. Whatever method you choose to handle the issue be sure to be consistent and be clear in stating your expectations and any consequences.

ADDED:
Is there anything you do on a regular basis like a family night out or pizza night? You could discontinue those until the electric bill comes down. Make an announcement and let your family know that you need extra money for the high bills and they will need to be more responsible about turning out lights, etc to get the bill to come down. When the bill is lowered you can resume the fun stuff.

Maybe there is a way you can incorporate filling the mundane tasks into the chore chart. For example, each week assign a child to a room(s). On M, W, F they are responsible for filling the items you dictate - tp, soap, plastic bags, etc. If those items run out during the week in which they are responsible they get docked allowance or lose a privilege.

If you don't like the idea of incorporating that into their allowance I think proactive, preventative measures would alleviate many issues, such as having each family member help restock freqently used items on a regular basis. It might not totally prevent the problem, but it should cut down on the instances. You could also take other measures to make sure items are handy. We bought a tp dispenser that holds two rolls and simply hooks on to the back of the tank. So there are usually two tolls within easy reach. Good luck to you.

HA! One night my husband had just settled into bed and my 16 yr old daughter was getting ready also. I dragged them out and told them we were going on a field trip - to the bathroom - and mommy was going to give a demonstration and teach them how to change the toilet paper roll, since it seems I am the only one who knows how. I tell them up front and honest that these things bother me and it is common courtesy to do these. As for running out of items - if they don't tell me they don't get it - I am not a mind reader - they wait another week until I go back to the store. You don't have to be nasty - but be firm. It really isn't fair to you - or anyone else.

You've obviously got a lot of company! I have 2 suggestions. 1.) Have you investigated FlyLady.net? It is a great site about getting your house under control, and there is even a Kid's section. It is a great way to get things like this back under control, but it takes time. But you will see in the long run an improvement. 2.) It is time for natural consequences. If there is no toilet paper in the bathroom, leave it that way (I'd keep a roll in your dresser drawer and take a few pieces in with you when you need it). No paper towels? I guess they'll have to use rags, which they will then need to wash. Lights left on? Well, then no movie night or whatever because the money had to go to the electric bill. (BTW, kids may be more motivated by the environmental argument there than the financial one.) I did this with my husband and it was very effective. He would never put a trash bag back in the diaper pail (which drove me NUTS) so I just left it one week. The next week when he took out the trash he had to dig out a week's worth of dirty diapers and wipes-- and he has NEVER "forgotten" to do it again. :-)

Hi L.! Wow, you sound just like me! I have come to the conclusion that Moms are the only people that know the defination of RESPONSIBILITY when it comes to the house. Our hubby and kids just assume that we will take care of whatever. I do the grocery list on the fridge, and if we are out because no one wrote it down...then we are out until I want to get it...things got better with that after my girls had to go a week without ketchup and their snacks for lunch! Sometimes I think you have to fight fire with fire to make your point. I tell my girls to put their laundry in the hamper...if it's not there it doesn't get washed. You should have seen my one daughter's face when she realized she had no clean jeans one day because they were all on the floor of her room...and I didn't pick them up! Chore charts are great, but you do have to follow-up and ridding your home of the "I forgot" excuse is really hard. Stay strong, don't compromise...and tell hubby dear it's time to step it up and set a better example. Don't nag. Just state the facts: this is how it was, this is how it's gonna be or "fill in the blank" will happen. AND STICK TO IT! Best wishes.

L.,

Clearly you were taught "lifes lessons" as a child and grew up with good standards. It seems your husband did not. (in this area) You have to start with him. Explain that these are simple tasks, and things that once learned by your children will make them better adults.

If they learn now, they are better organized, more disiplined and will help them succeed in school, college work and life.

Is your husband late often because he cant find his keys?
Cant find something because hes disorganized?
Cant eat the foods he likes because the milk was left out overnight & spoiled? Point out these things he goes through as an adult and let him know you want the kids to be independent, not reliant on you.

Good luck.

If someone gets angry with you because they are out of something and they didn't put it on the list, and didn't shop for it themselves, say "was it on the list". Stand your ground. This is harassment. Don't put up with it. Let them know you aren't taking it anymore. Tell them once more and that is it. If they don't listen, it's their problem then. You can't teach them, they have to want to do it. If you cater to them, they will do it more. Don't put yourself through the worry of it. Don't worry about who did what, that is their problem, let them figure it out when you quit buying the stuff they don't put on the list.
If the kids won't stop using too much electricity, take the items off of them and store them away for a while to make up for it, and so they learn.
If your husband can't listen to constructive criticism without accusing you of nagging, don't discuss it then, just go about your business. He will get the message too, when you don't pick up his slack.

Do you live at my house??? Ha, ha, ha.

Listen, I started to read the responses... then I stopped myself. I go through the same stuff, I argue with myself and my husband about it... but nothing ever changes. And, I doubt it will... because I tend to think that this is just a normal male/femal/family issue. We are nuture and we nest, that's what we do. That's not what they do.

Right now I am in my 'get over it' mode. Ask me again next week and I am sure I will be in my 'frustrated' mode. I don't have advice to offer... just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

I could have wrote your post! I understand 100% where you are coming from. The bad news is i have not figured it out yet myself. There are 6 of us in the house and i seem to be the only one doing all that you have mentioned and more. I too constantly remind them to the point of frustration. If you find something that works please let me know. For now i wonder around the house on a daily basis taking care of everything. (we do have a chore chart for the chores...but that still takes daily reminding) I think we would be much happier mom's with more energy if we had a little help in that area!

Sounds like some little things have gotten way out of hand! And you're right, this is totally unacceptable. You shouldn't be biting the bullet and shutting up, but you also shouldn't be nagging, because then they get to put you at fault, and you also see it doesn't work.

Obviously, they need consequences for not doing these things, or there is no incentive not to do them. Once you whip them into shape, you can reward them for doing a great job-but that's later.

Our (my husband's and mine) parents always ran our homes sort of like socialist societies and we plan to do the same. Everyone pitches in, everyone benefits, one person messes up, everyone pays type of thing. We didn't have our "own room" we were borrowing it from the mortgage payers and had to care for it to keep the privilege of having it. We had money from allowance from working, not just because we were born type of thing. So we never got away with this type of stuff, since everyone was accountable, and consequences were always given.

So. No one fesses up to using the last items without putting them on the list? Too bad ALL the kids have to pitch in their hard earned allowance and go into the store to replace them while you wait in the car after going around the house and seeing what else is "running low". And since there was lying involved there should be some sort of privilege removal for the liar if you know who it is, or for everyone if not.

Someone gets mad at you for not stocking up? Oh, too bad they are now in charge of buying that item themselves with their own money and riding their bike to the store to do it (I don't know how old your kids are, but you get the idea) PLUS a punishment, grounding, etc for disrespecting their mother, PLEASE that one is TOTALLY outrageous and needs discipline.

You could have a check list of all the items that run out permanently posted on the fridge. Maybe one of the new chores on their chores chart would be for them to take turns being the one to go around and take inventory form the list before shopping so the list is always correct for the store.

High electric bill, and they haven't been tryin gto turn things off? Charge ALL the kids their entire allowance that week.

As for your husband, you cannot force him to comply, and shouldn't nag him. But you can tell him what you're doing and that he needs to let you enforce it. It would be better if he enforced it with you, but it doesn't sound like he will, just make sure he doesn't undermine you.

Don't nag! Actions are WAY louder than words and don't be afraid to be tough, they CAN do these things.

Hi L.,

I saw your post and wanted to respnd, but didn't have time to read the other responses which I am sure you have some wonderful ones, and I apologize if I am repeating anything. First, most people don't learn well from being told or talked to about it, especially older people set in their ways like hubby. I use a technique called natural consequences that get amazing results. If you are frustrated and angry or upset about a situation, it is time to change it. So, when the lights are not being turned off remove the lightbulb. When they have to screw it in, to turn it on, they will be more likely to remember to turn it off, than Mom or wife saying, hey turn the lights off. They have an action to perform and that means long term memory is activated. Same for the toilet paper, baggies, etc. If it is gone, do not replace it, if you need something, go to the storage area and only take as much as you need, so then you see what is left there. If they need to walk to the storage area when they need something like TP or soap, they will remember it. And if they aren't going initially and letting things go, eventually they will all go for the things they really want or need. It will be a bit of an inconvienience for you for a while, but in the end you will get what you want. I hope this helps. And yes they may get angry at you at first, but you can calmly say it wasn't me who emptied the TP roll or the shampoo, and you will be being honest about it, if you just take from the storage area, or keep a stash somewhere for yourself and then they can't be angry at you, but at whoever didn't replace the item. They will quickly get that if if Mom doesn't do it, they have to. And it will hit home even harder if you use the same excuse, that it wasn't you who emptied it, so you didn't replace it, and whoever emptied it should replace it or we all go without. They will soon get upset with each other when they don't replace something and it will take you out of the mix as the nagger, or what ever they say as they roll their eyes and walk away. They will hold each other accountable. Good luck, and i hope you can change what you need to.

Kids never listen to their parents, they have selective hearing when it comes to being asked what to do, first off, you need to sit down with your husband and ask him if he has any ideas on how you can get your kids to help around the house, in a way that you could make it more fun for them,

you didnt mention how old they are? I know that little kids like to use sticker charts, or you could make a poster type rota, where you stick a sticker if they have done it, the more stickers, the more treats?

After you have spoken to your husband, sit the kids down TOGETHER (You AND your husband) and tell them the plan once you have decided one, explain to your husband that you dont mean to lecture, but you do need some help and cant do everything, after all, your not super woman!

Goodluck!

Hi, L.:

Sit down with your family. Have a POW WOW and ask them for their help in what you have written to us.

Make an assignment board and everyone suggests what they are willing to do to help you.

Good luck. D.

I understand the fustration. I have a 2.5 year old at home and a husband also. I can not blame the little one too much at this point. If something gets forgotten at the grocery store,guess who gets to go get it? Well, it is not me. I tell him let me know if we need something if not you can go to the grocery store to get it. I deal with socks on the floor,toys on the floor,and it gets fustrating. yesterday, i was on strike. I did not empty the dishwasher and left the dirty dishes in the sink. It was done when i got home from work last night. Let them put out the extra toilet paper and leave the rolls where they are. may be when a pile builds up they will get the picture. You husband does not want to hear that he did anything wrong, that why he says you are nagging him. stop doing stuff for a week and see what happens. it may bother you at first but that may be the only way to get the message across. It is like a dog chasing its tail at this point when the same things are happening over and over again. They do these things because they know mom is going to do it. Good luck.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." -author unknown, but probably an insane mom

I would tell husband we need to have a conversation with no tv or kids around, and not when running out a door or in a rush. Calmly and objectively as possibly, state that there are issues in the house, and "we" as the heads of household have to teach the offspring how to manage without us someday, and "I" have some ideas how to do that, but "you" have to be in on it with me for it to be effective. If the kids see dad blowing it off, that's all the excuse they need. Spousal communication is a biggie here.

As for restocking things, a couple of tips, in addition to all the great ideas moms sent in:
- I ask that a nearly empty 'whatever' container be left on the counter in the kitchen so I know we're ready for a restock
- $1 store 'list' pads for the bathrooms so a note can easily be made that something is out
- make a list on the computer (6 to a page, or something) and cut them into slips for each place that stuff runs out; bathroom: shampoo, toothpaste, soap, tp, tissues. Laundry: detergent, softener, softener sheets, bleach. Then make sure a pen/crayon/lipstick is handy to check items off the list

A lot of these things I end up doing for my own sanity, but teaching by example really can be a powerful tool. When my son was packing for college, I saw a list on his dresser; boxers, PS2, video games, pillow, laptop. So there was no toothpaste or clothes, but somewhere the message got through. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

L.,
I also could have written the same thing. So as ignorant as it sounds......here's what you could do. When you go to the bathroom and there is nothing on the roll, get some for yourself.......then put it back in storage or hide it elsewhere and leave nothing on the roll. Maybe they will think again about leaving none for you. The trick though is that you have to take it out of all the bathrooms because at my house if one is empty...they simply go to the next one instead of getting the paper. If they leave a light on.... walk inot the room they are currently in and shut off whatever they are using. When asked why you did that, tell them you have to save somewhere. Explain to them where the light was left on. If they say it "wasn't me" tell them you're not sure who "wasn't me" is because everyone says the same thing.