How to Hurry a Slowpoke

That's is a tough situation, especially because of being at 2 homes. It definitely sounds like you are doing everything right. I can't disagree with a single thing you said. I really like the "princess points" idea. That's perfect! I think the key that you're missing is getting her mother on board the plan with you. You have to have cohesive relationship with her M. and get her involved in the situation. I hope the relationship between the 2 of you is friendly because I think you need to go to her with this issue, if you haven't already. She needs to be apart of what's going on here. It is simply not ok that she acts like this only when around you and feels she can get away with this behavior and/or that she feels like there are no real consequences. I will tell you that if she is pushing the bill with you in this situation, you are being set up for bigger and worse disasters later down the road. I would definitely get her M. involved. I realy don't think this has anything to do with you, it seems you're doing everything you can do to correct the situation. But I do think it has to do with the stepchild/stepmom dynamic. I have 2 stepchildren and there is so much more psychology that goes into those situations that I had prepared myself for, and I was really prepared! Not that this 8 year old is really manipulating you but there is something more going on. Maybe with control??? She's trying to control a situation because she feels she doesn't have any control in the situation that she's in otherwise??? I don't know exactly but I really do think the key is her M.. When my husband and I got together, the ex was on board and since we married she jumped ship and has basically tried to drive every wedge between us you can think of. It has made the relationships between my husband and his boys very difficult. It's a shame because things could be so much more positive for everyone involved if she could only see what damage she's doing. Very sad, needless to say. So try to keep a good relationship with the M. as much as you can. It will only help you, help the girl and help your family in the long run if the daughter sees she's dealing with a united front. I wish you all the best.

Hi NW
My oldest (also technically a stepson though I raised him so he's mine :) was soooo painfully pokey about doing things I needed him to do and I got so sick of telling him the same things over that I made him a checklist for morning and before bed. If he did his before bed checklist fast enough he earned extra reading time & in the a.m. if he got done quickly enough he got a little tv time. It worked beautifully. Suddenly instead of an hour in the a.m. it was 15 minutes, literally! Same with bedtime rituals. I think it's because of his adhd, but having something to focus upon kept him from spinning in circles while getting ready.

Good luck!
D.

Sounds like you are doing a good job with creative awards/positive feedback and you also took immediate action and "left" the one day, so she does know that you mean business when it's time to go. Sometimes if a point system is too complicated, or if they become bored with the system, it's not as effective.

Routine is a key point too. I'm certain that she is learning what you will tolerate and what you won't. Giving her incremental warnings when you are going somewhere is helpful and helps her transition her time to the new event (i.e. "We'll be leaving in 15 minutes, I will need you to do...this" "Okay, in 5 minutes we are leaving... etc... ") After you go to tumbling, is there a "routine" that you follow? For instance "Now, when I pick you up, we will be going somewhere....so you need to be ready and I may have a surprise". Maybe the "prize" could be to just spend 10 minutes with you, at a park, go for an ice cream cone or an extra story at bedtime. Anything that motivates her is good - you just have to find that factor. Also, some kids are just naturally pokey - it's just their nature.

Routine is more important with my son than my daughter because he works with "one direction at a time" and any more than that, I offer him a pen and paper to "make that checklist". We used to line up post-it notes on his wall for a morning routine but now he just does his morning routine.

As far as consequences, make them short. Consequences don't have to be long to be effective. You just have to know her achilles heel - what makes her tick. My daughter HATED writing assignments at that age. Needless to say, it didn't take much for me to come up with a good punishment - She has written a few ESSAYS (which I saved because they were sooooo cute!) She had to say all the "who, what where when why and how's of the situation. It also had to have an apology in it." My son, on the other hand, HATED when I would ground him from ALL WHEELS (i.e. bikes, scooters, skateboards, even hotwheel cars). He would be lost for a day. Of course the punishment has to fit the crime so whatever it is... make it count.

And it's good when you do catch her in the act of doing something good that you ooze praise on her and "share your praises to others" when she is in earshot. Very effective.

My son is almost 10 and we occasionally still have this issue. But one thing that helped a LOT- no tv in the morning. Period. It used to go like this: He would wander out in his pjs and turn on cartoons and take forever. But now, we just have a much more specific routine.

He gets up, gets dressed, lets our dogs out and feeds them. We have breakfast and he puts the bowls in the sink and then he and his stepfather take the dogs for a walk while I get the bathroom to myself to get ready to go to work.

I have to say, we tried sticker charts and point systems, etc. and he just really did not care. He gets a regular allowance now, every two weeks on our payday. During school it is based on completing homework and doing chores both PROMPTLY and more importantly, CHEERFULLY. He also gets bonus money for A's on his report card. We sat down with him a few times and explained our schedules and his very carefully to him and pointed out how if even one person isn't doing their part, things fall apart and everyone is late. I told him that I hated losing my temper first thing in the morning and yelling or getting frustrated and that it made him feel bad too and then we both start our day feeling upset and that isn't good. It took a while, but he seems to really get it now and is much more organized and really keeps to the schedule. Just talk to her about it and keep sticking to it, it will improve!

Umm..I have an almost 10 yo who I am starting to give up on. Wait until they get to the age where they are worried about their hair and their hygiene...brush teeth for 10 minutes. My suggestion...get them up earlier...:)..she has a class at 10 this AM...and I have her getting ready already. Stop the TV,computer,toys, everything until she is ready to go...that is working at my house at the moment. Until tomorrow anyway. It is summer time. And she is using this as an excuse. Hang in there. I have found that this is the case with school activities too..is she a day dreamer too?? Can't snap them out of it..Oh I have tried to do lists in her room..that helps too..1. get dressed, 2 brush teeth, and if it needs to be broken down more...like 1. out on tshirt,2. put on pants, do it. She may be having trouble keeping organized. Again, could be developmental. Don't be too quick to judge the other parent. It might not bother them as much...I don't have the patience, my husband does. Could be related to Sat. AM's verses school days..LOL