How to Help My Preschooler

Hi L.- The little guy is only 3 1/2! Find a preschool with an environment more in tuned with his personality. There are tons of kids who do not have long attention spans or strong social skills at his age. That's what preschool is for! Don't even think ADHD at 3 1/2, he is just being himself. Try putting in an environment with different expectations and see what happens. Good Luck!

Your son's attention span should be three minutes. Most circle times are a lot longer, just because of how much material that they are expected to cover. If your son is walking on kids toys, then he isn't engaged in an activity. Try talking to the teachers about keeping him closer to them during the day, to encourage him to engage more. As for hard to wind down, that is simple. Ask the teacher if they have a routine when it is time to wind down. For example, if they are coming in from recess to circle time, what is that procedure? Do they line up, then calmly walk into the classroom, or is it a free for all from the playground to the carpet? Kids thrive on routine, so if they don't currently have one, they need to. I worked in preschool for a long time, and boys typically weren't misbehaving alone. There was most likely a gaggle of boys, maybe 3 or 4, who were riling each other up, and then they would feed off of each others energy. So, if this is the case, try switching him classrooms. There is not rule that says a three year old can't be in the four year old room. Also, one really simple problem might be that your son is over stimulated throughout the day. If there is no predictability, and a lot of ruckus going on, then he will have a hard time focusing, and behaving.

Finally, a lot of it may have to do with how he is being addressed. Have the teachers use statements with him that tell them what they want him to do, instead of what they don't want him to do. So, "Don't hit" becomes "Lets keep our arms at our sides" or "Don't run in the classroom" is "Please use walking feet." In addition, when they are placing demands on your son, i.e. "Time to clean up now" they need to be using statements instead of questions. So, when we want him to clean up we don't say "Time to clean up now, ok?" It really isn't optional, its time to clean up. These simple things seem so easy, and yet we all forget to do them every day.

Work with the school on implementing these changes, as well as doing them at home, and you will quickly see changes in your son. Good luck and don't be worried, I am sure that you are doing fabulous jobs as parents.

Hi L.,
I know people will tell you that "it's a boy thing," but actually my 4 year old daughter has always been VERY high energy, athletic, excitable etc! I learned a lot from the preschool that she went to last year - it was a Carden School, which was founded by Mae Carden in the 1920's and to this day they follow her principles. Basically, she was a huge proponent of holding kids accountable for their behavior, and expecting nothing but the best behavior at all times. I know, you're probably thinking, "Have you MET my kid?!" - but believe me, my daughter was a DISASTER prior to going to this preschool (5-10 knock-down, drag-out tantrums a day at her previous preschool, to the point that they kicked us out), and now she is in Kindergarten and the best-behaved child in the class.

What I observed at the Carden preschool was that they strictly adhered to a schedule at all times. For instance, if the routine was to come into the classroom quietly, sit at the table, and play with counting blocks until class started, then they NEVER deviated from that. Ever. In this way, each child knew exactly what to expect. They had snack at the same time every day, recess, naptime, etc. They really frowned on tardiness, and in fact if you showed up and they were already doing the flag salute, you had to go to the school office and get a permit slip to go to class. So pretty much we all learned as parents to get there 5 minutes early NO MATTER WHAT. This seems like something small, but the strict routine really helped my daughter.

Also, if she misbehaved, the teacher would say very simply, "Isabelle, we do not hit other children." And sit her in the corner (where she could cry or whatever, but she had to stay there until her time out was over). If she came out and hit again, the teacher would repeat the exact same thing, "Isabelle, we do not hit other children." and right back into the corner she would go! Well, after about 3 days of that, she got really tired of sitting in the corner, but she knew because she got the exact same response every single time without fail, what the consequence would be, and she stopped her bad behavior. Honestly I was shocked at how quickly the turnaround happened with consistent and simple discipline.

Likewise, when giving instructions, they would give the exact same instruction. For instance, if the kids were to color all the circles on the page, the teacher would say, "Use your crayon to color all the circles on the page." If the child raised her hand to ask what they were supposed to be doing, the teacher would repeat, "Use your crayon to color all the circles on the page." NOTE: I always figured if a child asked a question when I had just given instructions, it was because I hadn't explained it well enough. Not necessarily so! Kids' brains are wired differently from adult brains. Literally it can take 4 or 5 times of saying the exact same thing for it to sink into a child's brain. Don't muddy the waters by giving tons of explanations - just repeat exactly what you said, patiently, over and over until they get it.

I know that doesn't sound earth-shattering, but it really did work for us. My daughter went from being an absolute nightmare of a kid (her own grandparents refused to babysit her, I am not kidding!) - to being under control and able to handle herself. It takes a joint effort from you being VERY consistent at home at all times, and the teachers doing the same at school. They cannot allow him to misbehave at school at any time (nor can you at home), and if he does, the consequence needs to be swift and consistent so he learns what will happen AND what is expected of him. If the school cannot or will not do this, then you should try to find a school that believes in self-control and discipline. Some kids really need it.

ADHD/inatention/hyperexcitiablity/compulsion = magnesium deficiency. Try magnesium. I think you will find it will helps quite a lot.

Magnesium citrate is a drinkable form. Start small and work your way up. Loose stools mean you need to cut the dose back a little. Also you can rub magnesium oil on the skin directly and let it soak in. Daily int he evenings as it imparts sleepyness. High dairy diets mean lower magnesium levels. Buy organic veggies-they have higher MG levels.

Also take cod liver oil daily, and a good probiotic, like cuturelle.

Dear L.,
First of all, you're not a failure as a parent.
And, the teacher was right to let you know what she's observed so that you are aware of it.
At 3-1/2 years old, it's way too soon to worry about ADD or ADHD. I'm no expert, but it's my guess your son has, what zillions of other kids have at that age....
"I am the center of the universe" syndrome.
My friend's kid was a complete maniac in preschool and kindergarten. He is a sweet, loving boy, but when everyone else was having circle time, he saw them as his audience. If kids were playing and not paying attention to him, he would mess up what they were playing with. If someone had something he wanted, he just took it. When they had to line up to go to the playground, he had a complete meltdown if he couldn't be first in line every single time. He had a fit everytime he wasn't the first one down the slide....At that age, he had no empathy or concern for anyone else. Sharing, taking turns, thinking about others, those are social skills that can take some time to develop. Being around other kids, having a teacher that doesn't cave just to keep him from throwing a fit and lets him know, with your reinforcement, that isn't how we treat other people will go a long way.
You can help him out with sitting quietly, sharing, and taking turns at home. "It's your sister's turn to play with the blocks and then it's your turn."
My son was 2 when he had to go to pre-school/daycare while I was going through my divorce and had to be in court all the time. He had the most wonderful teacher. Everything was very structured so each day they knew what to expect, this is what we do, this is what we DON'T do during this time.
My friend's kid is fine. They got him into dance and theatre so he really DID have an audience at appropriate times.
His age is just too young to blame yourself for being a failure and if you think his energy takes away from your daughter, being kind to a sibling is the first step in learning how to share attention.

I wish you the very best!

Thank you and you have my utmost respect for not partaking in this "diagnisis" and labeling epidemic. ADD and Autism. If a child misbehaves, the behaviour needs to be corrected, NOT excused by a label. Some people seem to want thier kids labelled such and allow them to continue down a path of misbehaving and acting out and allow them to turn into adults with "ADHD" excuses for their behaviour as well.

Your son needs more attention than your daughter. Granted, she is only 15 months old, but she will accept and appreciate that you give it to him. She will also learn what behaviour you will tolerate based on watching you with him, rather than making the mistakes herself. Do not worry that you are harming her. You are really helping her understand that people are different and have different needs.

I wish you all the best...

L., Your son is only 3 1/2; he is still a baby. If you are a stay at home mom, why do you have him in preschool? Maybe he is not ready for preschool. Or maybe this particular preschool is not the right environment or a right teacher for him.

I'm a teacher for K-8 children and from experience I can say all children develop differently. Also, my son just turned 4, so I see all types of preschool boy behavior, and can relate first hand to the preschool boy thing.

As a previous post mentioned, routine is very helpful for all children, so is preparing your child for a transition. In 5, 10, 15 minutes (you pick) we are going to do x,y,z. I set the timer, when the timer goes off. We do the whatever. Also, I use the 1,2,3 magic disciple technique. My son has been having time outs since 18 mos old. We used to use a time out chair in the living room, when he turned 3 we started having the time outs in his bedroom.

My son just started preschool the first of November when I went back to work. Prior to preschool, we were sure to participate in activities that prepared him for the preschool environment such as story time at the library and activities with playgroup friends.

Lastly regarding ADD, ADHD and Sensory Integration issues: the only persons qualified to diagnose these disorders are medical professionals or occupational therapists who are specialists. Do not let teachers, friends or others diagnose your child. If you have questions ask your pediatrician.

J.

Hi L., I'm getting to you a little late but your question caught my attention because I said exactly the same thing a year and a half ago!! I did not read many other responses.. but I wanted to let you know my experience. My son was in same situation! I thought he had add because everyone including his dr. said he might have it! The only person who knew he didn't have it was his preschool teacher. I enlisted her for one reason: she is a behavior specialist! She worked with him for a year or so and my son became a sweetheart! At first he would run out of his classroom, punch other kids ..stuff like that! After about 9 months of her & I working with him (basically on social skills) he was so much easier! I was also concerned about him starting kindergarten..as his bday is in late Sept.... by the end of that year the preschool teacher said he really needed to further his academics so I hesitatingly did... the first month was a little hard ..as he would hide under tables and not come in from the playground but now he is at the same level as the other kids who are virtually a year older than him.. I'm blessed!! Good luck, I hope this helps.. p.s.. also.. people forget they're only 3!

Greetings L., Please understand that as the mother of 5 exciting and great explorers ( I really believe they invented the term ADHA) and now a grandmother of several sweeetheart that are more curious than Courious George the monkey, I believe that people need to be reminded -- You child is only 3 1/2!! Did I mention that I never medicated any of my children, but was taught that we how to have patience and firmness where we needed it and to just let go of what we didn't.
I am a Child Advocate, a Tough Love mother and I think that people make their children grow up to fast and they don't get to be little ones long enough!! Ofcourse he is all hands, feet and elbows that is what a child does! He needs to have boundries and respect for others but I wouldn't let anyone say he had ADD without a medical licence -- that is taking the easy way out and being lazy!! I has my son organize as a child the entire neighbohood to dig to China. They got the hle big enough to plant a large tree in. This same child at a different house created with his energy using all the wood he could find along with a gate from a neighbors house what looked like a homeless shelter but when we asked he thought of it as many things...a fort, castle, hideout and on depending on what his imagination took him to. As an adult he creates beautiful floors and restores 100 year old floors! My girls were much the same way. It is my personal thought that your child is a healthy active child and you might consider a pre-school that has more stimulation & creativity-- since you are a stay at home mother then try a co-op preschool. Good Luck and I wish both of you well. Happpy Holidays, Nana Glenda

Believe what the book you're reading says.

Sounds like you have a spirited child like me. My daughter is very smart and active. Spirited describes her to a T! The best book I was ever given is "Raising Your Spirited Child". I read it and all my fears were laid to rest. She is "more" of everything, but within normal limits. This book helped me to understand her and I luckily have a teacher who understands spirited children and understands the expanse of normal children.
Maybe it doesn't fit for you, but it sure did for me. If it does, the author is speaking in March in Marin county if you want info.
Another book I found was 1,2,3 Magic which helped me with boundaries with her and helped her to develop an inner balance rather than always having to have things imposed on her externally.
Good luck!

I have to say as a mom of 3 boys (aged 7.5, 5.5 and 1.5) and a girl, and the best way I can put it is "IT'S NORMAL TO BEHAVE THIS WAY AS A BOY!!! ESPECIALLY A 3 1/2 YR. OLD" Please give him a break. It is not developmentally appropriate to expect a 3 1/2 yr. old boy (who loves to run around and play and probably throw balls and be physical) to sit and attend to a long task or circle time. He will naturally grow into this ability. I see it over and over again that when moms and schools do not understand this or accept this, it is very hard on the boy. Accept your son, he is not docile and obedient and doesn't act like a quiet girl who can sit on demand and behave etc... he could not sound more normal. Perhaps you only had sisters? I've had friends who have a son- and who are not used to boys, tell me they are terrified when their boy hits or bites or won't sit still- they are scared bc they don't understand, and he may turn into a violent abusive guy or worse. RELAX, I had brothers and all these sons, and I can speak from life and professional experience, he is FINE. Very importantly if the young boys' physical behavior is not allowed or accepted and stifled instead, it can come out in bad ways later. Please let him be, and don't forget it's important for us as parents to educate preschool teachers too. Doesn't sound like she has a realistic expectation of him at all- she can learn from him! Remember powerful physical men/athletes are held in such high esteem in our world, why not accept them as little boys too.

First, take a deep breath, you're doing great. Being concerned and asking questions is the best thing a parent can do!
I assume he is at a preschool that you like and that you respect the concerns of the teacher? Because if she is good at her job then she knows that 3 year olds come in all different temperaments and develop at different rates. Having said that, maybe she does have some valid concerns. He should be able to follow very simple directions and should understand basic boundaries. I wouldn't lose sleep over it, but I would stay aware of how you're son progresses as he moves towards kindergarten.
As far as ADD goes, only a professional can diagnose that, and only after a series of tests. My third child has been struggling in school for the past few years (4th-5th grade.) She has no behavioral or social isues but she has always been very chatty and restless (hard time staying in her seat, many projects-which never get done-going on at once, etc.) I had been thinking she just needed time to mature but we finally went ahead with testing, and sure enough, she's classified ADHD. I took the news surprisingly well, I think I alway knew there was something "different" about her. She is now getting extra help at school and is in a competitive gymnastics program that burns up a lot of her excess energy. She is not on medication. We are just working day by day to keep her focused and organized.
I guess I'm sharing my story with you because I don't want you to freak out about labels and stigmas. Whatever you do, don't put up that wall of "not my kid" or "he's just being a boy" because I've seen too many parents do that and ultimately their children suffer. Just keep doing what you're doing, loving your kids and watching them grow :)

I too have a very active 3 1/2 year old and a younger child. I have worried that my daughter the 3 1/2 yr old is not able to concentrate, and then I realized she is, and just certain settings aren't good for her, thus she is not in preschool yet. It's pretty bad, but when asked her allergies at our church sunday school registration, I put organized activities and pants (she will only wear dresses at this point, the princessier the better). However, I am slowly seeing her mature and develop more tollerance of short organized activities. Also, she is getting better at playing on her own. She will draw, animate various inanimate objects or other activity for 15-30 minutes at a time, so I have a feeling that ADHD is not the issue, being 3 is.

Try to be patient with your child, see if the teacher is willing to work with you on the issue (she will have to be the primary person dealing with the behavior because she is witnessing it) and remember that you are the parent and if he is diagnosed with something, you get to pick the treatment. If I were you, I'd relax aboutpreschool for now and try again when he's 4, if that's possible.

Hi L.,

Diet, discipline and therapy can all help with sensory integration issues. No parent likes to be told that their child has a "problem" but you have to go with your gut feel. As a mom, you know when your child is not reaching his/her potential. That's when you go looking for answers.

In terms of diet, trigger foods can affect behavior. The most obvious one is sugar, but some kids are more susceptible than others. My son used to get high on a bowl of grapes and later I found out he was in fact sensitive to fructose. Other foods that affected behavior for my son were gluten, diary and egg. You may want to rule out food sensitivities for your son.

If your son does have sensory integration issues (read Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz), therapy is helpful. We are doing SAMONAS, an auditory integration therapy program to rewire the synapses of the brain to process information and have found it very helpful in changing behavior. My son had very mild issues but has improved in so many aspects of his behavior, it's amazing. He is happier and I am happier.

Good luck in helping your son reach his potential.

Hi L.,

One thing you may want to read about or consider is Sensory Integration Disorder. Many kids have difficulty regulating all the sensory input their body is getting. For some kids it might be sights, sounds, smells etc. that get either cause them to be over or under responsive to their environment. These kids may also have difficulty with their prorioceptive or vestibular senses, which effects things like balance, depth perception or how their body feels in relation to their surroundings (they move a lot, have difficulty sitting still, crash into things etc). There is a lot of information on the web if you want to read more.

The good news is that there is treatment for this that be very effective. Many kids who go onto have attention/learning problems are kids like this who go untreated. Treatment may involve very simple things like dietary changes, using things at home like a mini trampoline or swing, or simply giving bear hugs to calm them down. Some cases can be more complex. Talk to your pediatrician and ask them to give you a referral to a pediatric Occupational Therapist. The OT will give you a full evaluation and offer treatment goals. Sensory Integration Disorder can be treated and in most cases resolved. The key is getting a diagnosis early so you can get a good start before Kindergarten.

Lastly, I would not recommend making any changes regarding diet or suppliments without talking to your doctor. Good luck!

Hi L.,
Many kids do better in play-based programs (as opposed to schools that start pushing academic stuff really early.) Our children really love the Waldorf preschool if that happens to be near where you live.

Hi L.,

I was try getting your son into some rigorous activity, preferably daily and before he is expected to sit for long periods of time. Maybe that is turning on music and everybody jumping and dancing and learning to skip - your daughter included (great exercise for us moms, too). Maybe that is taking him outside and teaching him how to rake the leaves and put them into a wheelbarrow (little one gets to ride to the dump pile in the wheelbarrow since brother gets to use the rake). Maybe that is putting him into gym, karate, swim class, taking him to the trampoline place where he can jump around. Just some suggestions. Hope they help. Best of luck.