How to Help Music Student

I think, by college, kids are adults and need to make their own life choices and advocate for themselves. If he wants a new instrument, you can offer to pay half, but he has to devote time/effort/money to his own pursuits. Letting go as our kids leave the nest is really hard, but we have to do it.

You say you are sincerely interested in joining a church - but are you? Or do you see it as a vehicle for him? Churches just don't want to see people joining who turn out to have an agenda, and you will damage your own acceptance as well as his if you appear, even slightly, to come in with an ulterior motive. That will ruin your experience and his.

If he's as hardworking as you say, he will have opinions on how to advance his career and what to do. Starting a business is very hard, and it requires capital, marketing, development of a program/curriculum, and understanding the competition. It's even harder if you're not a musician yourself. He's only got the summer, and it's almost July. So what do you think he can accomplish in this short time? It's a good way to set him up for failure.

Let him find his own way, Mom. Find a hobby, job, volunteer position. Let your independent, talented, resourceful, hard-working kid be just that. It's time to let go. I know how hard it is. But you must.

Your ideas aren't dumb. They're sincere, although misdirected, ideas about how to encourage your university student, who is apparently a serious musician. And that sounds great!

My son graduated from a very demanding technical college and is now an audio engineer. I am not an engineer of any kind let alone an audio engineer (although I have learned where the volume button is on my laptop computer!!). My son is currently touring with a major recording artist on a monthlong nationwide tour and recently the artist performed at the Staples Center in LA (where the Lakers play; a huge arena). My son was responsible for the sound/microphones/audio for the whole concert - and we're so proud!

However, I would never attempt to try to infiltrate his field. Your looking for performing opportunities for your son or competitions to enter are nice gestures, but I want to encourage you to trust your son, his advisers and professors, his fellow musicians and peers to seek out these opportunities. You've obviously done a good job raising him, as he is hard-working as you say, and seems devoted to pursuing his chosen field.

Don't try to do his research. This has to come from him. The music and entertainment field is quite varied; there are all kinds of areas (individual performance, choral, orchestra, symphony, band, music law, musical instrument design and building and tuning are just a few I can think of off the top of my head) and you don't really know what specific direction your son will want to take. My son thought at first he wanted studio recording, but quickly realized after exposure to some audio sessions that live events was going to be his area of concentration.

I think that even if you were the conductor of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, you would want your son to find his own way and make his own path in his career journey.

What you can do is be his mom. Encourage him. Listen to him. He'll have triumphs and setbacks. Attend a performance if other parents and friends are attending (don't show up for every practice and be "that" mom). Send him cookies or his favorite energy bars. If he's stressed over a performance or recital, try to take a small task off his to-do list (do a load of laundry for him, or take his suit to the cleaners). It's ok to learn some of the musical terms that he will be performing (if he says he will be singing a Renaissance chorale - ok, I don't even know if that's a thing - then look up a little about that style of music; don't immerse yourself in it or try to memorize an opera, but it would be nice if you could say to your son something like "I wasn't familiar with that but I looked it up and the history of that type of music is so interesting"). I have tried to become familiar in a very basic way with some of the audio engineering terminology - not enough to be intrusive, but so I don't have to call everything the whatchamacallit and the thingamabob.

If you do want to buy your son a gift that will help him in his career, encourage him to start a wish list on Amazon. You can see his list and choose a holiday or birthday gift that is really useful.

You can also keep pictures of him (newsletters, photos he sends you, pictures from his university or camp) and make him a nice digital scrapbook. Often university students don't have time to keep a nice record of their path to their career. Learn to do digital scrapbooking, or paper scrapbooking if you like paper and scissors and embellishments and glue, and make him a nice gift for someday down the road.

But let him create his path and find his opportunities. Be his encourager, his cookie sender, his listening ear, his proud mom.

Does your adult child actually want you to do any of this? I mean it's nice of you and all but I'm sure he'd rather see you take some time to explore your own hobbies and interests.

I think that when your kid gets home, you should sit down with him and see what he wants to do. If he is at university, he has enough to do, I’m sure. He is an adult. Let him decide on his own.
As for church - sure go find a church that YOU want to attend. It seems to me that you need something for you. You’ve done your best with your son, and it’s time to let go.

well, it's nice, i guess.

if you were running a church or social group, would you want people joining in order to find 'performing opportunities' for their children as opposed to a sincere desire to be a part of it. i know you say you want to anyway- but would you join if there were no performance opportunities involved? that's the clutch question.

selling unwanted stuff to raise money for a new instrument is a lovely idea. i know my bass guitar major would have been appreciative had i done something like that.

but my music student was doing it himself. he taught briefly, and researched and entered the competitions and auditions he wanted to enter without my input.

might be time to take a bit of a step back and let him spread his wings.
khairete
S.

It's cool you want to be involved.
How much does your college kid want you to be involved?
While some kids would love this - some wouldn't.
If he wants to give music lessons - it's going to be up to him to run it, schedule students, collect payments, etc.
He needs to have the get up and go to get his career going, make his own contacts/connections, etc.

I know you want to help but I don't think you want to be a stage parent and live vicariously through your child.
If you have so much time on your hands - join groups that interest you for your own sake.
Get a hobby, take up bowling, do some traveling of your own, etc.
Try doing some volunteer work.
You need your own set of friends that will be your friends no matter what your kid is doing.
If your college age kid wants you to get more involved with his career, then fine but don't let it consume you to the exclusion of everything else.

Well, if you join a church, you could join the choir, but that isn't going to result in performance opportunities for your child.

As for competitions, his university adviser should be helping him find competitions that are appropriate for time and useful to his future aspirations.

I suggest you let your adult child be an adult, support him as needed (eg, encourage him to talk to his adviser about competitions and other opportunities), but ultimately let him learn to take responsibility for his own future.

With your time this summer, by all means you should seek out social opportunities that interest you! Don't do it with any ulterior motive, but simply find things that you like to do and people that you click with. Have fun.

I don't quite understand what you mean by researching how to START a business that HE RUNS out of your home. He is already running the business. Why do you need to start it?Your son should be figuring out how to do this stuff for himself. You have too much time on your hands and are trying to manage his life. Don't do this.

You shouldn't be compiling lists of competitions. His own teacher and he should be talking about that. This is not for you to do. How is he ever going to stand on his own two feet if his mother is doing this for him? His teacher and his university and he should work together. They are paid to do this. If he is a good enough student, they will help him compete.

I don't know what instrument he plays, but I doubt that selling books will make enough money to buy a new one. His teacher would be the person HE should ask about the quality of his instrument.