Band Kid Forever Wanting to Quit

It is her life. Let her make her own decisions. So you put te and money into it. I hate to say it, but it's not about you. If she wants to quit, she quits. Her life, her decision. You cannot control her!!!

Stop. Let her quit. Forcing her to do something just because she's good at it or just because YOU have a financial or emotional investment in it is not going to benefit HER in any way.

An almost-grown young woman should not have to beg and plead to be allowed to drop out of a band she can't stand playing in.

Having talent doesn't mean a darn thing if it doesn't light up her life with the love of music. She's made it clear that she is miserable.

Do you want to stand on a football field so badly that you're willing to sacrifice her well-being for it? I think probably not.

I am sorry that things haven't worked out in the way you had envisioned.

Make sure she has told you the whole story. The Band Director "needling" her send a huge red flag. I get the feeling he is a bit of a jerk and not very professional.. Or maybe does not take the female students very serious.. Consider it. It happens all of the time.

A good Band director is kid friendly, but also runs his/her band like the Chairman of the Board. Expects respect and gives respect with some fun thrown in because they are a team..

When I was 17 I was a Senior in High School and totally mentally ready to graduate and move onto college with more mature people. I was done with the silly kids. Maybe your daughter has realized she has outgrown this group, emotionally and sees that she does not want to put her energy into this any longer.

Very few of the people in high school band continue into music as a career, even the very best musicians. Very few expect or want to be in band in college. Even some of the most talented musicians that adored every minute of High School band do not make it any kind of career or continue in college.

Your daughter is old enough to make this decision. She mastered this and wants to try something different.

You invested a lot of your time money and pride in this too. Good job! Being a band parent is true dedication.. But mom, you are not the one in this band. Yes, you have the pride the pleasure of knowing your daughter has excelled, but this is her life.

Take your energy and talent in now preparing for her to leave high school at the end of the school next year.

Save up all of the money you would have spent on band and get ready to go and visit Colleges and Universities, for the college of her choice. THAT is what is really important. She mentally s done with high school, been there done that. She has surpassed maturity of these kids and is ready to be surrounded with people like her. Age is just a number,

All she needs to do is get through all of next year and then she will really be working towards her future.

Let it be HER senior year. Let her find herself. Let her have HER time.
This summer and next school year, see if she can join some clubs, run for Class Officer, get on some of the Senior Committees, meet some new friends, Volunteer in the community.

And yes, Just Veg out some times. She could even use this decision as her letter about herself for college. They love hearing why kids make the choices that they do and the "What happened.". This situation is a perfect example.

I'm sorry, but she has moved on, and so should you.

:(

First of all, it is not all about you being on the football field for Senior night. This is her life you are talking about.

She is 17. Has she communicated with you on WHY she wants this change? A lot of schools have aptitude testing for students... has she done this? Maybe she realizes that being a band director will not be a financially rewarding career.

Shame on the director for treating her this way. He is pushing her further away and why would she want to be in a class when the teacher is purposely pestering her.

There are a lot of unanswered questions that need to be addressed calmly with your daughter so you understand why she is making this choice. Has she been in band all these years due to pressure you put on her to be in band? Is she living "your" high school dream? She may very well have a valid reason for leaving band. At least be open minded and discuss it with her like an adult and not like you are reliving your high school moments. Communicate with her.... please.

You have not failed if she leaves band. I believe you fail when you don't communicate. This is her decision that SHE has to live with. As for "let her quit or no?" I think she should have a say in the decision because it is HER life.

Good luck. I know it is especially hard at this age. She is in the midst of considering colleges, getting accepted to colleges, and there are a lot of things going on in the head of a Junior in high school. Their lives are soon to change forever and they are dealing with that emotionally now.

You let her quit after she fulfills her obligations this year.

My daughter is similar to your daughter, but in dance. She is 10 this year, and last year wanted to quit. She had been doing it for 7 years and is competitive. We met with the studio director and talked out some issues. Things got better and she is happy as ever this year. She also broke her foot in late September and had to miss 3.5 months of dance, so it gave her a taste of her life without dance, she was miserable. However, if she wanted to quit, I would let her - but after she fulfills her commitment for the year.

If YOU want her to continue, find out why she wants to quit - maybe it's more than she just doesn't like the other band kids. Maybe it's not. I wouldn't stand for the director giving her a hard time at all, that's not his place. But ultimately, if she doesn't want to do it anymore, I wouldn't make her.

Life is full of regrets..stop trying to save her from feeling the sting of bad/poor choices.

I understand you mean well...but please let your almost adult daughter choose her own path in life. She is deciding that music is not her passion anymore.

Yes, it is hard to watch a talent/gift be sidelined. You have invested time and money into her talent/gift. But what is to say that all the past years have been a waste if she quits now?? It has given her years of confidence, having a creative outlet during difficult years, finding like minded music loving friends, years of responsibility etc.

It is not a waste of time and money if she doesn't fulfill the end result that you envisioned. She has changed her mind on a career and has checked out of band. There you go! She has decided to change her life path...what an independent gal you have raised. She has already shown qualities of self control, hard work and dedication. She will do fine in life no matter what she chooses.

Give her wings to choose for herself what SHE wants in life instead of continuing the path she thinks YOU want for her. Maybe she is feeling that you are making this all about YOU and not about what she wants. Cuz M....I read into that when reading this post. That will piss off any almost adult and push them further to wanting to show you that they are in control of their own life.

Pull back...tell her you support her making mature choices. Ask her how you can help her with her new career path. That will do wonders for her attitude and she might eventually go back to music. Sometime kids push back at parents simply to show that they have ownership over their life.

I understand your sadness...I have a cello player and a percussionist/trumpet player in our home. I love watching them perform and find joy through music. We just had an orchestra concert last night and I felt such pride and joy watching our daughter. But..the moment it starts becoming daunting to them then they can quit when the school schedule allows it.

Our son is a very gifted drummer. I am talking scholarships already and he is not in High School yet. But...his private teacher told us something that we have taken to heart while raising this uniquely gifted child. He said that you never push a child to take music or practice music. If they want to quit..you let them. Pushing, begging, pleading and punishing when it comes to music or any elective will do harm and turn them against it. We have taken this to heart and so far it is proving to be words of wisdom.

Take your daughter out for a treat and just let her talk to you. Let her tell you about her dreams and goals. Don't interject with you feel she is going to regret giving up on her musical talents. Get on board with her new dream and help her find a mentor that can really talk to her about the pros and cons.

Good luck and best wishes!!

She is 17. Old enough to decide for herself if she wants to be in the school band.

I could've been your daughter--only I never had the desire or plan to become a professional musician (of any stripe--not a teacher, nothing). It was never the focus of my future. Just something I started in 6th grade, enjoyed, participated in fully, and was naturally gifted at.

We moved when I was in 10th grade to a school that did things very differently than I was accustomed to band-wise (marching--style was completely different). I opted not to march. Though I continued to participate fully in concert band, was first chair, etc etc. I opted to drop it for senior year. Because I had not marched the previous year, I was required to take a PE class my senior year to complete my requirements. And I had other electives I wanted as well... so band had to go.

My director was not happy, but he didn't needle me, either. He was disappointed b/c he felt like I was throwing away some opportunities and he wanted me in his concert band for another year as well. But, I still went to his office and hung out with my other band friends during lunch hour or whatever.... I missed it. But it wasn't the best choice for me.

I was still offered a musical scholarship from a few colleges (I turned them down, b/c I did not want to be obligated to play in college... and I took academic scholarships instead).

Do I regret it? Not in the least. I still have my 2 instruments. In fact, my daughter seems to be following in my footsteps, only she is more talented than I am. She just made district band (7th grade), and she never even practices.
If she decides to drop it at some point, I will be disappointed, but I'm sure she will have a valid reason --knowing her, most likely, bc there is something else she wants to be involved in and, like me, there will be choices that have to be made b/c she won't be able to do EVERYTHING.

In your situation with your daughter, you seem more interested in what she is "throwing away and missing" than in WHY. Talk to her about why and then trust her.

i don't understand the mentality of forcing a kid to do something like this. i can't think of any good reason to do so.
khairete
S.

You may feel like you failed but reality is this isn't about you...this is about her and how she feels and how much time **she** (not you) has invested but feels it is now wasted since she no longer loves it.

This isn't about you. It's about your daughter. Interests change. I would have her finish the semester or year since it's already in her schedule and let her pick new classes next year.

Mom she is 17 - almost an adult. "Letting" her do anything is not going to be an option much longer.

I would talk with her, cover all the angles - and then she makes the decision.

My son did not play football his senior year. I didn't get a senior night. It was fine and turned out to be a great decision on his part because he went on to do some other stuff that was, and still is, an important part of his life.

There is a good chance that you will look back on this in a couple of years and wonder why it bothered you so much.

Hang in there.

I was a cheerleader through college, so I understand the excitement of being on the field during halftime of the big football game. I really do. You may not be aware, though, that a lot of times kids in band get picked on. It's unfortunate, because many of them are talented musicians. But it's true - at many schools, band kids are viewed as dorky. I'm not saying it's right, but if I had been more musically talented vs. being talented with dance and tumbling, and had landed in band vs. being a cheerleader, I might have wanted to quit, too. I would advise you to let your daughter choose her own activities. It might be different in college, and she might change her mind then.

You know, this isn't about you. Yes, let her quit.

I have a band kid - he is a Senior this year and has been playing since 6th grade. I have time and money invested in his playing also. If he had ever expressed deep dissatisfaction with being in band I would have let him quit.

Because high school is about learning new things and growing into an adult - discovering likes and dislikes, passions and ideas for the future. For her future. And if she doesn't see band in that future, and wants to explore different things in her Senior year - then let her.

You are not failing if she leaves band. You may be just be succeeding in helping her to become a young woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to go after her dreams. Not afraid to tell you (and, later, others) what she wants, even if she knows that you (and future others) want something different.

Oh, and standing on the field for Senior Night - really not that big of a deal. It was football players, dance team, cheer, and band, and I forget who else. It was cold and disorganized and my son was "dowe really need a photo". It was all of 15 minutes.

The purpose of activities is to let kids explore different interests and talents, whether or not they are "good" at it. Often, when a kid invests a lot of time in one thing, she gets sick of it. But also she may be wondering what she's missing by not having time for other things. It's unrealistic to think that a 17 year old could possibly have all the information needed to make a career decision - and it's just not necessary that she do that!

Sometimes kids at this age begin to think about going to college and what that means in separating from their home and school environment - family, friends, activities, etc. If they are overly invested in one thing, it makes leaving so much harder.

This absolutely should NOT be about you standing on the football field while she's honored for something like band! And her band director is out of line.

I think she could benefit in many ways from trying something else. If she wants to sit around and watch TV or hang out with the criminal class, that's not acceptable. But please allow her to find something, anything, that she's interested in. In fact, colleges are FAR more interested in well-rounded kids who are willing to go outside their comfort zone and try new things. They want kids with diverse interests who can and will survive (and more - flourish!) with a mix of activities, personality types, class subjects, and more. They don't necessarily want someone who has chosen a major - they don't require that until the end of sophomore year! They WANT kids who wish to explore intellectually and experiment in different disciplines.

So tell your daughter you were wrong (it's HUGE for teens when a parent admits that!) and it can really HELP your relationship! Tell her to please, with your blessing, explore something else - it doesn't have to be her passion and it absolutely doesn't have to have any bearing on a career choice. Her job is to attend classes and find something outside of homework that interests her - whether it's drama club or French club or Social Action club does not matter! It doesn't have to be school-based - it could be a church program or a Scout program or an outdoor hiking club. The particular subject doesn't matter at all! She needs to be a reliable member of a group and make a commitment so they know they can depend on her, but she should be encouraged to seek out new friends, broaden her horizons, and just experiment without one worry at all about whether this is career-enhancing!

Please - you will both be so much happier if you embrace her spirit of adventure and allow her to find new interests. That's part of raising healthy, flexible, interesting kids. She should not be doing band because you spent money or went to weekend events. If she enrolls in something with a cost, then it's okay to say she has to at least stick it out for the introductory period, but that's it. Give her free rein. If you keep pushing, you will drive her away from things (and from you) and she will wind up resenting you and gaining nothing.

REALLY? you need to ask? im confused why do you feel like a failure when you see and know the problems shes having? is this about you or her? if that was my child and shes that miserable id been pulled her out.they grow up-they change-its not a matter of failing its a matter of different perspectives n goals in life.its band..in high school..not 8 yrs into medical school and saying ooops sorry mom not into it..quit forcing her to do something shes not into anymore..builds more stress n resentment..

I'm swimming upstream a bit, but...

Your daughter has become interested in something else, so whatever came before that is worthless, and she wants to get as far away from it as possible to make a point of her new interest. In addition, she's seventeen and doesn't want to listen to her parents anyhow.

You haven't failed. Kids do this. Most children (and grownups) with talent never really use those talents. Money down the drain? Seems that way, but often it isn't.

Once a while, it takes dropping an activity to realize how much one really likes being in it.

Tell her not to talk to you about dropping band except 1) after the term ends (you don't abandon a team you're on in mid-season), and 2) after she talks heart-to-heart with the band director. Teachers are experienced with this sort of thing - they deal with it all the time! If she feels that he's acting like a jerk (I'm assuming this is her evaluation of him now and not a long-standing problem), maybe he feels that she's acting like one. If she's old enough to choose a career path, she's old enough to talk with the people involved in her life, no matter what she thinks of them.

If she agrees to those conditions, let her choose. (She might make an excellent doctor, or whatever it is that interests her.) If she won't agree, tell her frankly that she's not ready yet to make mature decisions.

She's 17; she has her own dreams she wants to follow. What you want really doesn't matter. It's her life. We all do things when we are young that we regret - it's just life. You'll just have to get over it. And this is a really good lesson for you because as she grows up, gets her own house/apartment, etc., she will probably do a lot of things you don't agree with. You need to learn how to accept - you don't have to agree, but you do have to accept. It's called tolerance - more people should practice it!

I feel your pain, but I think you should let her quit. At age 17 she has achieved a great foundation and can always go back into music in many different ways. This will be less likely though if you force her to do something she hates.

My three kids are little, but my 7 year old is going into her third year of violin and fourth on piano and my 6 year old is almost through one year of piano. I plan to put all three through years of music lessons while they are young and flexible. But I am completely at ease with letting them quit as teenagers if they wish. I just want them to reach a level of confidence with it while they're young and willing. My daughter (7) has played many recitals, makes money busking, even plays open mic night in a bluegrass bar. Her dad is a rock musician for a living.

Will I make any of my kids do band in school? Probably not. I'm just not a "school band" type mom, but even if they want to quit and not play in bands and events and stuff as teens...I won't make them. By that age they should be free to pursue their own interests.

Good work noting your own desire to stand on football field is killing you: not a good reason. Because you have invested in it: not a good reason. It's what we do for our kids, not an obligation to them to keep interest forever.

I vote let her quit. She'll be so relieved and happy.

Please re-read Laurie's good response. There is more going on here that she is not telling you -- and maybe things going on that she, herself, does not see or does not want to admit to herself or to you.

Like Laurie said, this band director "needling" her is a huge red flag. This person is not acting like a professional -- not like a teacher and not like a musician, either. I would almost bet that she has had conflicts with this band director that she has not mentioned to you and that is possibly why she suddenly is "off" band. What do you mean by "messing with her"? Nothing that fits that description can be right between a teacher and a student; why is that not the focus of your worry here, instead of focusing on how much you've paid for competitions or how much you've traveled to see her? Those things are about you, not her. What about her and this awful band director?

Don't you see that any very sudden change in a person is a sign that something is going on beyond just "I don't like this any more"? If she loved band SO much that she was practicing without being nagged, winning awards, putting in effort on her own, and most of all looking at a career in it -- then there was a very sudden change -- that change is uncharacteristic, and that should have been your red flag that she needs to be talked with.

And that means talked WITH, not talked AT, and defintitely not judged or made to feel guilty. That will shut her down and she'll never tell you what's really going on here. She does not need to hear: "But you're so talented! What a waste if you stop!" and certainly not told, "We have invested money in this and you will do it or else!" She needs you to talk to her like the near-adult she is and to say, "We are not going to force you here, but we're concerned about YOU, not about band. You loved it enough to want to do it for a living, not long ago. Then the change of heart seems very, very sudden, and while it's fine to change your mind--everybody changes their mind--the suddenness of the change makes us wonder if there's more going on. Is the band director giving you problems and is that why you're now off band? Was stuff going on with him or other kids in band before you started asking to quit?" And so on.

I really think this band director is unprofessional and though others say you should let her handle it and let her take any consequences -- if this band director is behaving abusively, verbally shaming her in front of others (or even in private), mocking or "needling" her in classes in the hearing of all -- you as the parent need to intervene because that is unacceptable. Worth a firing, in my book.

A separate issue (because the band director still needs to be dealt with even if the remainder of this post is off base): Now, if she plays well but always had to be pushed to practice, was not really thrilled about those solos, doesn't seem passionate, does well but puts in no extra effort herself without you reminding her how much you love to see her play--then is this about what she wants or about what her parents think she should want?

Did you play in band or did you wish you did? You mention that "the thought of (her) not standing on the football field on senior night is killing me." Can you ask yourself frankly if you want to push her to continue for herself, or because it fulfills what you have pictured as her future?

I had a mom like you. Band was more about her than I. She invested time and money. Blah blah blah. I also had a instructor who was needlessly hard on me and didn't care for my band mates. I dreaded going to band. Stopped practicing. Ultimately it hurt my gpa so let me quit my senior year. I was so happy. A huge weight off my shoulders.

Band was more work than any other class or extracurricular I was involved in. Hating it made me actually resent my mother. I learned no good lessons from it aside from don't force my children to do things when all the reasons revert back to ME not them. I'd suggest you do the same.

It is her life, she is a young woman and she should be allowed to decide on things like this for herself. If she was 5 my advice might be different, but she is 17, she is more then capable of deciding she no longer likes something.

But you could also talk to her about what changed (without suggesting she stay in band, just letting her know you were wondering her reasons for leaving) and see if she might be interesting in some kind of outlet for her talent outside of school, like forming her own small band or something. But if she says she simply does not want to play the instrument any longer then don't push her.

I have one who quit and one who stuck with it. I've seen it all.

The oldest was a phenomominal percussionist. But Junior yr, in the summer, he announced he wanted to quit. He was a lot like Laurie A.
He was mature and DONE. Being around immature kids (and directors) was just not going to cut it anymore. If ever there were a child that should have gone to college from there, it was him. He had so many interests to explore. He wanted time with his friends outside of band. He got to play in his garage band for the school talent show, which he never could work into his schedule. He took a Latin course. He played in our worship band. He slept! I know that's huge for a band student! He got to STUDY for tests and not keep a set of textbooks in my car!

There were downsides of finding himself without constant direction. The band directors were none too pleased with him. But the kids he played with, loved him as as practically a folk hero, lol. All of them have wanted, at one time or other, to tell their directors to take this job and.... Well you know!
He didn't do that but he did quit.

Band is all consuming, even in college and professional. I have a friend with a college jazz major at UNT. It's constant pressure. If she doesn't LOVE it, it's unmanageable.

I also have one that I got to walk with on senior night. I understand your sadness at missing that. I did with the first. The second didn't love it anymore than the first but he calmly weighed the benefits with the weights of the trials and decided to get through it. But he is a calmer person and did very well at it but did not get caught up in drama. You could not make him care if he got into honors band. He did. He just scoffs at all the directors and either followed directions or quietly did his own thing and it worked for him. So while walking with him on senior night was a pleasure, it was filled with the knowledge of the reality of the journey. It was not the culminating of my dream or his. It was the victory walk of a warrior.

Would she be interested in joining a band outside of school? Isn't it her decision to make whether she stays in band or not?

Try to find a time that you two are not upset or emotionally involved in things to talk. Let her explain what has transpired to change her. Did someone do or say something that made her fell in adequate? Did someone bully her? Did someone say off colored sexual things to her?
Get to the bottom of the problem.

It is nice that you have supported and encouraged her to be the best she can be in music. But if she feels that this is not the thing for her, let her make that decision. You can't live someone else's life. You can't make them do the things you wanted to do as a child. I would have a talk with the band director and find out why he feels the way he does toward her.

"Do I force her to do band because the thought of not standing on the football field on senior night is killing me?? Do i force her because I have invested time, money and several weekends going to competitions and seeing her play?? Her quitting band is making me feel like i have failed..." This is part of the process of growing up and becoming an adult.

I know the money angle is huge but forcing someone to do something is not going to help. You have not failed being a parent. You have to allow for flexibility in the process. What I do see are the hours of practice, time, and money that you spent supporting and cheering her on. .

My son got to be second chair for concert band and go to Berlin while we were stationed overseas. I had to find a black jacket for him which I made in about a day in between all my other sewing. While we were home for Christmas, we stopped at a local music store and I stated to him that he really was serious about being a musician, I would buy him a $3800 to $4500 drum set. Showed him a Pearl and a Yamaha brand set. The problem was that he was on the football team and half time was when the band played and they would not let him (the band) play. So he decided to drop out. Otherwise I would have been on the hook for the drum set. My daughter played alto sax and I was going to buy her one while in Germany for about $500 which was about $2500 in the states. I am glad I didn't as when we got back to the states, the band director was not up to speed with where she was with her music and it caused many problems. Hence, she did drop out of band when the semester was over. She has not said anything about wanting to play. Just that she had a bitter taste in her mouth over how it ended.

We all live with regrets in life. If she wants to do something later on she can but right now, no.

We all have dreams as parents that we want our children to do and be better than we were/are even when the dream and desire of the child changes. Hang in there with no lectures.

the other S.

Make her finish out the year and then let her quit. If you force her, she will just hate it even more.

Tell her she has to stay in band the rest of the year and to stop asking. During the summer you and she can sit down and decide. That if she brings it up again you are going to decide for her. But also try to get her to open up, maybe she's being bullied more than you know. I had band guys bothering me for sex, in those practice rooms it's very private......

It's time to mention what she wants out of her senior year. I didn't want to be band queen, I didn't want to do much except be a twirler and play my horn. Does she want to play a sport? Be on the pep squad? Not play in the competition part but play at the football games or vice versa? What about stage band? Is it an option for her to play in some smaller organized group?

Is she going to try for scholarships? She may need to use her music skills to get money for college, I got some offers but it wasn't a full ride so I couldn't even go to college until I was an adult and a non-traditional student.

She needs to be able to look back and see that she got to do some fun things. I remember sitting for soooooooo long playing Pomp and Circumstance while the graduates filed through the line getting their diplomas. It was a tearful time, all the juniors were bawling because it was our last time to play that song, the next time it was played it would be "for" us when "we" walked across that stage to receive our diploma's.

That last year in band is an amazing year. If she is going to depend on money for college and that's her talent then she has to stay in it.

Take the summer off band and listen to her. Let her have a say but the final decision is yours.

So, she stays in it until May (If she's safe and it's not going to depress her so much she will try to hurt herself) and then she can take the summer off and revisit the discussion in August.

I agree with Gamma G. She's almost an adult but she's not an adult yet and I don't think this is a decision she should make on her own. Given that she had planned a career as a band director, this is not some superficial extracurricular hobby that I would let her quit without exploring in depth with her all the reasons why she wants to quit and all of the possible repercussions of her not participating her senior year.

I would also have a discussion with the band director because his behavior is inappropriate and unprofessional.

What about doing music in a different way than band? Can she join a musical group, do private lessons, teach younger kids, or something like that? Does she still like playing her instrument, but just hate band? High school band has zero application in real life, but keeping up with an instrument sure can be rewarding (and be good for getting into college).