How to Help DD with the Usual Friendship Problems

Our daughter was socially shy. She had one friend that she stuck to like glue and unfortunately that friend often manipulated our daughter emotionally (would tell her she didn't like her or hang with other friends and exclude daughter, etc.). The friend didn't have a great home situation so it was understandable that she was taking control in areas she felt like she could since she had no control at home, but still, my daughter was the one who ended up crying many times over this friend's behavior, but was still too "shy/uncomfortable/awkward" at starting new friendships. Additionally, this "friend" kind of tainted other potential friendships our daughter could have with other girls either by telling those girls things that weren't true or telling my daughter she would no longer be friends with her if she was friends with so and so. Ugh - it was pretty rough and hard not to get involved.

What we did was we enrolled her in modeling school. Yep, sounds crazy, but it was AMAZING. The whole point of modeling is to be outwardly confident about how you look and feel. She had to learn to speak in front of other people, walk confidently, talk confidently, and she did auditions for different places which really helped her social confidence. The folks that ran the school were professionals in getting kids to really play on their strongest points and minimize the areas they were less confident in. My daughter blossomed into an amazingly confident young lady - so much so that she decided to move to Sweden for a year during high school and go to school. Something I never, ever in my wildest dreams would have ever considered her doing in my life prior to that. She now is in advertising and gives pitches on a daily basis.

This might not be the answer for your daughter, and I'm not going to lie, it wasn't cheap, but man when I think back to the shy little 13/14/15 year old she was and then the huge change, it was worth every penny!

If she's in lots of activities it might be more than enough socializing for her.
Consider that she might be overwhelmed and maybe over scheduled.
Does she get any downtime?
Some people don't need to be surrounded by friends all the time.
You don't say how old your daughter is but by middle and high school the kids run their own friendships and you don't have to do anything except listen if she's willing to share info with you.
Middle and high school is a typical time for friendships to switch up a lot - old groups break up and new groups form.
It's also typical that when someone changes schools that they don't see the old group of friends so much - they grow apart.

If/when daughter makes comments about her immature friend then you can give some advice - like maybe this friend will be a better fit After she does some maturing but in the meantime daughter should hang out with her less and leave the friend to go do some maturing somewhere else.

it's tough because you really can't force this stuff.

i'll bet the newest friend gets toasted by a lot of posters, but i think you nailed by realizing it's immaturity. might be some mean mixed up in there too, but plenty of girls your daughter's age share her social awkwardness and anxiety, and sometimes that manifests as bitchy when it's not really.

is your daughter asking for your guidance?

if so, brainstorm different approaches and role play them so she has a few different scenarios in mind. remind her that it may take a little time for her to develop a 'how to meet people' strategy. i'm almost 60 and still trying to figure out my own. and running through them with a nice safe mom is a really helpful way for a kid to figure out if humor, an honest compliment, sports, tv or game discussions, books, academics, animals, fashion, or simple straightforwardness works best for her.

but if she's not actually asking you for help, don't invade. sometimes we take on problems our kids are perfectly fine handling on their own.

khairete
S.

When you say she doesn't have the confidence to initiate an outing with casual acquaintances - likely opportunities are not coming up. It should be natural on both sides, that interest - and likely it's just not there. So she may have 'forced' it, and that's why girls have turned her down. She may feel a bit pressured. I had to back off with one of my kids, because I kept saying "Do you want to invite so-and-so over?" if I heard her mention a new girl's name. It wasn't coming up naturally between the girls, so I backed off.

When it's right, it will just happen. There will be interest on both sides, and these things just occur. It won't always be her initiating. So she should just take a break I think. When it's too difficult, that's a sign a break might be in order.

With this other girl - maybe she's looking too accessible, and the girl is being a bit of a jerk to her. Listing out who else she's tried first, is kind of bitchy, not just immature at this age. A girl did that to my aged 9 child, but at your daughter's age, that's rude.

Maybe your daughter needs to look elsewhere for pals. Or just focus on her old buds that are easier friendships. Really, so long as she's got a bud that she enjoys hanging out with, that's good. There's a lot of pressure to be social on teens and kids - and it's more quality over quantity.

Sometimes just having a quality friendship can restore a kid's trust and sense of self rather than spending time with a jerk-friend. I'm not saying this girl is totally a jerk - but if your daughter finds her a bit hurtful - there is such a thing as a 'frienemy'.