My boys has a friend who goes to the same school. He is a sweet boy and he comes over for a playdate and my boys go to his house too. The “problem” is that this boy is teaching my boys ALL the bad words and they told me yesterday that he showed them his private parts and asked them to do the same which they refused to do and he was chasing him trying to pull their underwear. This happens in my house and his house. Of course, I didn’t notice anything thinking that they are having a fun play time in the basement while I cook dinner for them. I have told his mom in the past about the bad words. She was telling me about how his teacher complained about him talking in the class and I have asked her if he says bad words. She didn’t know, so I told her that he has been saying some to the boys. I know that my boys will eventually learn all these words from someone, so my point was not to complain to her about him.
Now I don’t know if I should tell her about the private parts thing. I think that the mom has the right to know. My husband is very upset about the situation. We never ever said any bad word in front of the kids,. We don’t watch TV either, just some selected DVDs on the weekend that we watch as a family, so I know that they didn’t pick up that from home.. My boys are 5 and 7 and the other boy is 7 as well. They have been playing with other friends and this never happened.. Of course, I don’t want to be selective about their friends, but just wondering how to handle this??
I finally got a chance to talk to the mom. I told her that she has the right to know and told her everything. I guess she didn't know what to say. She kept saying: "I don't know what to do with this child anymore" She was wondering from where he learned this. She thanked me for telling her. I didn't tell her that I won't have the kid come over again, at least for the present time, but I figured she will understand when I will say no at his next request. Thanks for your responses :)
Oh boy, I would absolutely be more selective with my son's friends. Who knows what is going on in this poor child's life. I would feel sorry for him but I would not allow him to be around my kids without very close supervision.
JMO.
Oooohhh!!! She NEEDS to know. I hate to jump the gun here, but someone may be inappropriately touching this child. I find it wierd that he is showing his privates at this age, and asking your kids to do the same. I know kids are curious, but by 7 he should've been taught by now that private parts are just that. PRIVATE. Something's not right here. I would talk to your boys, and tell them that is so unacceptable. And until this boy is made fully aware of that, maybe they shouldn't be playing with him. Or under STRICT supervision only. You HAVE to be selective about your kids friends. #1 It limits their exposure to bad behavior #2 It teaches them to be selective later in life. If they know now that hanging around with kids who swear, do inaapropriate things (drinking, smoking etc) It sets the tone for the character THEY develop as well.
It's our job as parents to teach them many things, friend selection included!
How did you address it with the boy when it happened? Or did your boys tell you after the fact?
I think it's fine to not do playdates anymore, but it's also ok for you to set some boundaries and structure for playdates in your home.
First off, tell them that they can't be unsupervised anymore if EVERYONE doesn't follow the rules (about language, touching etc).... so they can't play in the basement. Hard for boys, I know... so that is what is called a natural consequence. You set boundaries, if they don't follow them then YOUR BOYS may not want to play with this kid anymore. Also, you may have to actually tell him "at our house we keep all our clothes on all the time and we don't pull underwear". See if he can follow these rules and if not, then why would you have him over?
I would definitely talk to the other mom. AND I would definitely have them play at MY house in full view! And if the little boy continues to do it, I would not let them play together. There might be more going on in that house than you know. They're your children and it's your job to protect them. I would also keep talking to my children about it and if things start to progress maybe you need to say something to the teacher if the mom doesn't do anything about it. I know I sound paranoid but this has RED FLAG written all over it!!!!
IMMEDIATELY, stop the playdates. I understand this other little boy may be suffering from a lack of parenting. But you HAVE to protect your children. Don't assume just talking to the mom will correct the situation and your boys could then continue to play with the little boy. You're risking damage being done to your sweet boys.
Tell her or not, but please discontinue the playdates. You owe it to your boys.
You say, "I don't want to be selective about their friends." But at the age your kids are now, being selective about their friends - and teaching them how to be selective about friends -- are part of your job.
I'm not saying shun this kid, not at all. But for now I would first tell the parents about the private parts (this is pretty typical behavior,to show parts, but I think that chasing your kids and trying to pull down their pants goes too far; if he did this in a few years' time you'd probably say "He's bullying them," wouldn't you?). If the kid is otherwise fine, I would continue occasional play dates -- but supervised. I'd be in the room with them or within earshot and where you can stick your head around the doorframe at any moment -- don't have them downstairs in the basement while you're on another floor doing chores or cooking; be pretty much where they are so you can listen and assess things. As for play dates at this child's house, for now, I might find reasons not to send your kids over there, or to stay at the kid's house for the play date. Other moms might say that's making too big a deal of it, but it seems your own sons are not totally comfortable with him right now, if he's playing by trying to make them do something they don't want. I'd give them the extra security of being closer at hand. He's not hurting them or bullying them at this point, and it sounds like he just has a ton of excess energy and possibly isn't very well supervised at home sometimes (maybe he has an older sibling who is passing on these bad words?). But I'd keep an eye on him and his behavior as they get older.
You did not say how the mom reacted when you told her that her son was using foul language. If she basically blew it off or did a "Oh, boys will be boys, ha ha!" I would re-evaluate whether you want your sons visiting at their home. Maybe confine play dates to your own for some time to come, if that was her reaction.
Personally, I think that this is a stage that some kids go through. I wouldn't read too much into it. Some are more curious than others. Of course, I don't know what you've talked to your boys about regarding their bodies/sex (the five year old, probably not much) and how much he's been told about his body/sex. That could play into it as well.
If you wanted to discuss it with his mother, I would tackle it from the perspective that she may want to discuss that private parts are private. She'll probably be super embarrassed.
I also think that since your kids didn't play along, this other boy will likely get the hint that it's not accepted/okay and let it go. I think the problem would come in if he kept trying...
Talk to the mom in a non-confrontational way, tell her what is going on. Certainly be selective about how your children spend their time.
I think it's also important to know our kids don't live in a bubble and we can guide them to make good decisions on friends, language and a bunch more extreme things when they get older. I'm certain my daughter heard the "bad words" but she knew not to drop the f-bomb and what was appropriate.
I would want to know.
I think it's a good time to review with your boys that parts of their body covered by their bathing suits are PRIVATE. Only they, you, dad and a doc should need to look at those particular parts.
Your house--if the boy starts that--might be a good time to sit them ALL down and review the rules about private parts!
You end your post by saying "Of course, I don't want to be selective about thier friends." At their ages I don't see anything wrong with guiding them in their friendships. I wouldn't forbid them from playing with these boys, but I might encourage other friendships. Also, I would certainly let the other child's parents know about him showing private parts and trying to pull down your boys' pants. He needs to be taught about respecting others' privacy.
This is pretty normal at this age, they can be getting erections and all kinds of interesting things are happening to their bodies. I would tell the mom though. Her son may be playing with other kids that have been abused and are doing more than just figuring out how it works.
I never let the kids play where I cannot hear them, what they are saying, what they are doing may be out of sight but when they are quiet I know to walk quietly up the hallway and listen in. I do not allow the kids to play with the doors shut, if more than one person is in the room the doors stay open.
If it goes further than this you have to take positive action. Make sure the kids only play in the family areas of your home. No more playing anywhere you cannot see them, in sight all the time. And no more playing over there.
You for sure have to tell his mom!! If it continues after that, he would no longer be able to play with my kids.
she needs to know so the boy's parents can address it. If this type of behavior continues I would have your sons' not play with him. While this boy may be curious about things once corrected and told it's innapropriate it should not continue. LOet her know asap and go from there.
I think you should let the mom know. If my kids were doing that I would want to know!
Also next time he is at your house ( i would make sure the next play date IS at your house) I would have an age appropriate talk with him about not doing it and why its wrong... even take it a step farther and let him know that its never ok for someone to look or touch him and if they do he needs to let you or another adult know.
Poor boy! He is going to lose all his friends and be shunned if his parents don't teach him right now what is acceptable and what is not. He sounds impulsive and a bit out-of-control, and missing some basic social etiquette. We are not born knowing things, but this needs to be addressed.
So, YES, tell his mom!
Also, if you have him over again (I hope you do) get down to his level, make sure he is looking directly at you, and quietly but firmly state the rules of play in your home, and that he must leave when he violates those rules. Be explicit, not vague, such as "We do not expose our privates nor do we ask someone else to expose theirs. We do not talk about our private parts. We do not say 'bad words' such as...." then say the words you tell him you will say this once so he will know exactly what you mean, but you do not want to hear them again and your children do not want to hear them again.
That is fair. It may take a few times for him to learn the fun ends when he says those bad words or violates the house rules. If he does not learn, his parents have a lot more to address in him - possibly a problem affecting his brain function such as a reaction to gliadorphins or casomorphins (see herehttp://itsnotmental.blogspot.com/2011/08/brain-health-cut..., a medical issue, reactivity to food additives, lack of sleep, some psychological issue, or some developmental difference).
There is nothing wrong with being selective with the friends that you allow in *your home*. You can mention the private parts thing to your friend, and if she doesn't think it is a big deal, then don't have this boy over any more. And if you do decide to have him over again, you might want to sit the boy down and tell him the rules in your house. If he breaks those rules, call his mom to come take him home.
The private parts thing is weird and inappropriate, but it doesn't sound too unusual for a kid that age. Just don't allow it in your home. And if your husband is really that upset about it, then by all means, don't let this boy back into your home. You don't need that kind of unnecessary stress. Good luck to you!
He is seeing and hearing to much and passing the info along to your children. Communicate this to the mom for sure. I am very selective with what our girls are around.
You need to stop having your children play with this boy completely. No more playdates. You really need to be selective about your children's friends, especially at this age. I don't do playdates at all to avoid the hassle and drama.
