I have a beautilful, smart 19 year old daughter who feels comfortable enough to talk to me about a lot of things which I love however, it's putting me in a difficult situation. She is a really good caring individual who I am very proud of most of the time. However, she is in a relationship that is harmful to her and him in many ways. She was living with her dad in Houston to go to a community college there right after she graduated high school. However, at the end of her first year she moved back up here where I am (near Dallas) to live with her boyfriend. It was againist my wishes because I fear that she will not go back to school. She says that she tried getting financial aid for this past fall but wasn't able to get any so that's why she missed this semester but she has recenlty found a loan she can get for school but I will have to cosign for it. I am hesitant because I have no gaurantee that she will go to school this next semester and due to the way the economy is and the uncertainity of my husband's job right now, I don't like the idea of putting our neck out there like that. She has given up so much to be with this guy that I'm afraid that something will come up that will prevent her from going to school. There are a lot of trust, insecurity and emotional issues. She tells me all this stuff, like how he picks fights with her and vice versa. Has at one time head butted her and then the other night got upset with her (all over trust issues) saying that if you can't love me, no one can. He then "supposedly" takes a handful of pills. My daughter almost called 911 (she probably should have) but he didn't want her to, so she didn't. They are basically staying together for all the wrong reasons. It's obvious to everyone else that they don't need to be together but you can't tell them that. She comes to me distraught over this stuff and says that she knows she needs to leave him but then she doesn't. I've told her what my thoughts are and that is yes, she needs to leave so they can both work on their issues and then maybe they can start again. But then like a flip of the switch, everything is back to being great. I'm supposed to just go on and act as if it's all right. It's easy for them to accept this but not so for the rest of us. I'm afraid that something is going to happen to her and there is nothing that I can do about it. I'm tired of this rollercoaster ride but more importantly how do I handle this concern that I have for her. I'm afraid to say too much because she may then refuse to talk to me anymore. I've told her what I've thought and I continue to pray for her. I just got done telling her that I don't want to cosign for her because there is gaureentee that she will be going to school and won't let him or anything else get in the way of it and also because of our financial situation. The way I also see it, is if she insists on living with someone and playing house, she needs to be responsible for all the adult things. You can't have it both ways. Just at a loss as to how do I handle this situation? Why does being a mom have to be so hard?
Tell her that you will co-sign only if she is living with you or her dad. Otherwise, she is on her own to make her own adult decisions - good or bad. Then just support her through those decisions. Good luck!
I think the hardest part of being a mom is letting your child make their decisions and then letting them deal with their own consequences. The only advice I can offer you is let her make her choices and then be there to emotionally support her when she needs it. If she is insisting on living as an adult, I wouldn't cosign for the loan. It seems harsh, but just because you are a parent doesn't mean you should deliberately throw yourself into debt for an adult child. If she were living with you or her dad and working, then maybe. This is just my opinion, though. Hope everything works out.
I would NEVER, and I repeat NEVER - co-sign on a loan with her.
A professor of mine in grad school had a great saying: "A co-signer is a fool with a pen."
Regarding the other issues, since she has taken an adult path she needs to be an adult. I would not enable her in any bad decisions. As far as my own worry goes - I would try to work more, go out with husband, etc. - and most of all continue to pray for her.
Good luck.
I'm sure it's SO hard, but I think you've got the right idea.
Maybe the same principles apply from childhood? Rewards for desirable behavior and not for undesirable behavior?
I agree-no cosigning for a child that has a jerk of a boyfriend who could blow it for her (and you!).
Continue to be honest with her and let her know she is welcome at home (which I assume is the case from your post) if she wants to leave.
I don't have an answer for why being a mom has to be so hard because I haven't found it myself. Did we know we would cry as much as we do and hurt as much as we do for our children? But would I do it all over again....YES!!!!
As for your situation, I haven't been there so this is an opinion of someone from the outside and hoping I would handle it right. I think you are doing the right thing in not cosigning and being honest with her on her reasons why. Can she move back home where it might be easier to help her finish school? Your conditions could be that you don't mind helping her as long as she is no longer involved with that person and is focused on completing her degree. A good friend of mine's dad told her he would help her as long as she was finishing school but if she wasn't, then she was responsible for supporting herself. I think that was awesome and she now she even has her Master's and is a successful teacher.
Continued prayer and yet letting her take the good and the bad of her decisions makes for tough love but she will benefit the most.
Take care and I pray all improves greatly for her and you.
Hi Stephanie,
Wow, what a tough spot you're in. I think you're right not to co-sign the loan. If you can't afford to pay it back on your own, don't sign. Good decision.
Next, for her relationship, call your local domestic violence agency, and ask for guidance on how to talk with your daughter about her relationship. Ask her lots of questions, and listen to her answers. As much as you possibly can, avoid giving her advice, even if she asks for it! She needs to come to whatever decision she makes on her own. (with your support, of course!)
If she asks for advice, ask her what she thinks, or what she'd tell her best friend if the friend were in a similar situation.
It will probably take her a long time (could be weeks, months, or a year +) to leave him (assuming she does) and leaving will probably involve breaking up and reconciling a number of times. Don't worry, getting back together with him is part of the process of leaving, odd as it sounds.
There's a great book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans. Get a copy for yourself, and if she's interested, loan it to her to read AT YOUR HOUSE. In fact, just leave it out when she's over solo, and see whether she picks it up.
While you should stay away from advice, feel free to observe what you're seeing, and your emotional response to it. I.e. wow, how scary that he'd take a whole bottle of pills. Tell her you're afraid for her safety (you should be, he could really hurt her, especially if he really is taking the pills. If he doesn't care about his own health, he sure won't care about doing damage to someone else!).
Try not to be disgusted with her when things are going well. She's very young, and abusive relationships are very intense. check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline resources at: http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-f...
Again, call your local DV agency and ask for help supporting her. Keep calling with new questions, as they come up.
I used to work in this field, and from what you are describing, it is unfortunately likely to get a bit (or more) worse before it gets better. In the meantime, have faith that she will make a good decision (even if it's not as quick in coming as you'd like to see), and let HER know that you have faith in her ability to make good decisions in her life, and do what's right for her. After all, she really is the only one who can decide what direction her life will take, and what is the best decision for her.
Best of luck!
C.
Do NOT co-sign the loan for her. She should schedule an appointment with the admissions office of the community college she is looking to attend.
If she wants to live like an independent adult, then let her do so in all respects. If you are able and want to provide an incentive, you could offer to pay for her textbooks BY SEMESTER. Go with her to the bookstore or have her "charge it" and bring you the itemized receipt for reimbursement. This way you are showing your support for her continuing her education without financially supporting a decision you do not agree with.
It is hard (my son is 19 and in college too). I tell her again how you feel and why. Tell her you are concerned for her safety and well being and ask her to either move home or back w/ her dad at least until she finishes school.
If you would be willing to co-sign if she was living with you, tell her that too.
Like Glenda, I haven't been there, but I would tell her that if she wants you to cosign, she must leave this man and go back and live with her father, and GO TO SCHOOL! If she wants to play house, then she has to figure out how to do this on her own. This is the age that you struggle in the mom versus friend role. It doesn't always have to be one or the other, but let her know that you are struggling with these boundaries, that you want to advice her as a mother, but be there for her as a friend, and how hard that is for you. This will let her know the position that you are in and that you love her and want what is best for her. Ultimately, this is her decision. You may be disappointed if she chooses to stay with this guy, but you won't hate her and will be there for her anyway....even if it isn't what she should do.
never cosign a loan for anyone ever. you will have your credit affected by it even if everything goes as you plan. if you want to pay, pay outright and directly to the school.
if she files as an independent on her taxes, she MIGHT qualify for financial aid the next year.
I have two nieces who got with the wrong guys. You are very right to be concerned.
I know you think school is the most important thing right now, but it is not.
If you and her father can do something to get her away from this guy, then after she is more settled she can get an education. As she is thinking now, she will probally skip classes, get bad grades, and waste a bunch of money.
I would bribe her to get on birth control that she can not forget(the shot, the match type insert). Seriously, I would tell her if you let me take you and you get this birth control, I will give you X dollars. You don't need them breeding.
