How to Handle Rudeness?

I explain to my kids that there are appropriate ways of handling things and then there are rude ways of handing things. Just because his friend says so those doesn't mean it's ok for him to say those things. He doesn't have to like his friend sitting in his lap, but he needs to explain it, and then if that doesn't work, then mom, you can explain that some people just need more personal space.

We have nieghbors kids that call their mom a "loser" and she says nothing. My kids tried it and were sent to the naughty mat.

Remember, just because you like the mom, doesn't mean the boys need to play together. And most of this sounds like the other mom needs to handle it. We have a firend whose daughter is TWELVE...and we call her Vlecro Girl....no matter where you go, she's right there. It drives me crazy....and I send her outside to play....or somewhere. She still has issues in school with the kids.

It isn't wrong for a child to want his "space"... any more than it is wrong for an adult to object to being crowded. I think the issue is that you need to discuss with your son, AHEAD OF TIME, how he should handle it. Tell him that there are nicer ways to get the point across than just saying "move over" or "I don't want to sit next to you". Discuss what he could say instead of that and get some input from him so it is HIS decision. Also...are they sitting on a bench type seat, if so, maybe switching them to separate chairs would help some because it would be impossible to sit right on top of someone if you are in a separate chair. You might also try a couple of cute place mats to "mark" where each of them should sit.
I would also encourage the other Mom to talk with HER son, before you get together the next time about how hard it is to eat when someone is right on top of you.
And, I would say you could incorporate all of this into just some general "taking other people's feelings into consideration" type teaching moments. Ask your son how he would want a friend to handle it if the shoe were on the other foot and your son was the one doing the crowding. Good manners and being considerate of others is not something that just happens, it has to be taught, on a daily basis and by example.

Has anyone actually told the other little boy that he is just too close and your son needs some elbow room! At four he could understand that. It seems like you have tried separating them, but not actually addressing the child. When your son said he didn't want him to sit by him, I'm sure that HE probably meant -not right next to me!!!! Next time just casually say (or have the mom say) James, would you please scoot down a bit and give John some elbow room, he likes a little space. If James doesn't move, or moves, but ends up coming back, give one more warning - James, please don't sit so close to John or we're going to have to move you to another seat.

I think I would talk to your son about how there are nice ways to ask someone something and rude ways. He could say "would you mind giving me a little room please?" That's alot nicer than "I don't want to sit next to you" or even "move over." and would hopefully stop the rest of the fight.

My daughter, who just turned 5, can be a personal space violater. Last week her cousin (almost 5) said something very rude to get my daughter to move, and that was how I told her she could say it nicer.

Maybe you can also suggest to your friend that she have a conversation about personal space with her son as well. We are currently working on that with my daughter.

Maybe the problem is less with your son's rudeness (although he can be taught to be more sensitive in how he handles this, but seeing that you parents are having a hard time, don't expect him to figure it out right away) and more with HER son's inability to grasp the concept of personal space. And that makes it tough, because YOU can't teach it to him very easily... it is something his mom will need to help him work on.

Maybe I'm a little old school, too, but it seems if he throws a fit or gets all sad because he doesn't get his way about something EVERY time with regards to seating arrangements, then you guys are giving in, Or, that you are focusing on his sadness when you don't give in. I found, in my experience, that if the kids are sad about a particular arrangement it is generally okay to talk them through it. But only when it is an unusual event. If it happens every time, then it needs to be ignored. He may continue to behave this way because of the attention he gets from it.

But honestly, it sounds like she needs to have a few conversations with her son about personal space. I think every parent, at some point, does this with their kids, because they can be annoying to US with their constant "being RIGHT THERE". His turn with this subject is long overdue if it is causing him problems at school.

good luck.

This is normal at this age, but it's hard to deal with as the parent of either kid. You can prepare your son ahead of time that his friend is going to want to sit next to him, and that you want your son to behave a certain way when he does, but this really minimized your son's feelings. You also could try givng them some new activity that they would both find fun right as it is time to sit at the table, and say they can only do it if they play together. (but only say this if they are showing signs that there will be a problem)

Hopefully, the other boy will grow out of it in a year or two, but not all kids do.

It takes awhile for some kids to develop a sense of personal space and to learn to respect others space. When my son was learning to eat at the table, I'd sometimes have to tell him I needed some elbow room because when ever we sat at a booth he wanted to be practically in my lap. It also helps when you can tell your child 'I always like you, but I don't always like some of your choices.'. If your son can respond like that to the other child, and explain they can be comfortable next to each other without being on top of one another, fewer feelings will get hurt. I don't think Mom's interceding is always foolish. Sometimes a wiser more clear thinking perspective (and communication) can help to avoid a fist fight over some trivial misunderstandings.

I think the other boy needs to be told about personal space - use the term "elbow room" that I've seen below. It's a phrase we use all the time but don't actually think about how the term originated! If both boys can't raise their elbows, they're too close. It's concrete and measurable. The other boy needs to know that it isn't that he can't sit next to your son, he just can't sit that close. Your son needs a better phrase - it isn't that he needs Mommy there, he needs the other boy further away. Teach him "elbow room" and have both boys use this as a code phrase instead of "No I want Mommy" or "You can talk better from across the table". It can be matter-of-fact and non-judgmental. If the other boy understands it's not HIM, it's that your son doesn't want ANYONE that close, it won't become an issue of hurt feelings. Have them make a game of lifting their elbows to see if they are too far away or too close. It's a good skill going forward.

I don't think you need to feel so uncomfortable or be delicate about this.

Just tell the other little boy: "sorry, honey, but Billy (whatever your son's name is) doesn't like people being so close to him. Can you go sit over there."

Your son is allowed to have his personal space, and the other little boy is old enough to start learning that other people have different desires than he does.

I don't think either boy is being "rude" in this situation. They just have different desires.

There will be no harm done if you and other other mom just approach this matter-of-factly.

Reading responses below: There is NO reason why your son has to learn to let people get close to him if he doesn't want to. That is NOT being rude or not being a good friend. If you didn't want people right next to you, should they have a right to do it anyway?

Everyone is different. Some like to be close to people, some like to be farther away. Both are valid.

Our son is 13 now, but I remember personal space issues when he and his friends were younger. We taught them about allowing a "bubble" of space around them. If one child extends his or her arms out in a circle, that is roughly the boundary of the bubble.

We didn't do the elbow-room thing because I could envision someone getting an elbow in the nose, on purpose or by accident. Plus, an arm's length ensures that, even if the other person doesn't maintain the desired space, you have control over the distance.

We had fun "boinking" the bubbles together and exploring how far you needed to be to not "boink" them--arms extended...oops boink...back up...move in...boink, boink, boink.... Of course, we had a bunch of fun bumping into each other's space, too. But the lesson was conveyed.

A conversation about choice of words would be helpful with your son. And a conversation with the other boy about personal space would also be helpful. But the bubble space game might be a fun and instructive way to have both boys learn the concept. All four of you could play it, in fact.

Have fun and good luck!

First I want to say he is young. With that said I am a BIG fan of teaching my kids to be a good friend. My oldest is 9 and girls who live nearby are horrible to her so with her and really starting with my 6 year old to teach being a good friend and being kind. I use the phrase would you want to be treated by that, how they are treating the other child. Again your son is 4 so you have to do this age appropriate. I never allow my kids to be nasty to other kids just becasue they can. I encourage sticking up for themselves not to be rude for no reason.

I tend to go on and on I hope that makes sense.