How to Handle Kids @ Dads House & Mean Child...

Updated on May 04, 2010
R.D. asks from Richmond, VA
7 answers

Okay, that subject was pretty vague ;) My daughters go to their dads house every other weekend (well, they're SUPPOSED to but it's usually more like one weekend a month, his loss, my win)... I stay out of his business and he stays out of mine for the most part... we're very cordial... he even bought my boyfriend and I a baby gift for our new son. The girls dad still lives with his parents, and still lives an irresponsible life... but the girls are always happy when they do visit him, so I have no complaints... until now. He has been dating this girl who tells my girls the STUPIDEST stuff (like if you eat sugar you'll get diabetes and your foot will fall off... who tells 4 and 6 year olds this stuff?! and she filled them in on strippers... really? shut up!)... but I can even get past all that since the girls tell me and I correct the situation. The problem lies in her daughter, who is 5... she is SUCH a bully, my younger daughter comes home with bruises all the time from this kid, and my older daughter gets upset and says 'I know I'm not supposed to hit but I really want to punch her when she hurts my sister!'... Their dad completely refuses to accept that this is going on, and his girlfriend is too scared of me for me to get close enough to her to talk to her about this. We have a custody agreement, so the girls HAVE to go over there... but I refuse to allow this kid to hurt my child any longer. How can I go about correcting this?? It's to the point my girls don't want to go there anymore because of this little girl. I feel like they should have their dads undivided attention over there, and this little girl shouldn't be around. She's mean, she's a bully, she's hurting my children. What can I do? I'm about to tell my older daughter to go ahead and knock her out! I'M SO FED UP!!

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M.F.

answers from Sioux Falls on

I would take pictures of the bruises and document everything that goes on, then visit with my attorney. If the girls' daddy is not willing to protect them, I would get a court order to have his visits with them either supervised or without girlfriend and her children.

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M.O.

answers from Chicago on

I agree with everything said here about confronting your ex, documenting all bruises with pictures and descriptions about when, where on the body, what happened, etc. If need be, get your pediatrician involved in documenting the injuries since pictures won't do much good.

Also, about your daughter's defending themselves. Teach them that "hitting" and "protecting" themselves are two different things. Explain this to your ex too. That you are going to teach your girls to YELL when they are being hurt. They are going to "protect" themselves by hitting back or running away. And they are going to tell on this other child EVERY time she's mean. And that you expect your ex to intervene.

I went through something similar in our gym's child care. One of the other boys was mean to my little girl. His mother was one of the 'teachers' and did little to intervene before he hit, pushed, etc. So I taught my older daughter to stick close to her little sister when he was around. To YELL at him "go away", "leave her alone", or get physical to defend her sister while yelling "STOP HURTING MY SISTER!" This way she wasn't "tattling" on this boy, she was drawing attention to herself and him to get the adults attention. After a few "confrontations" with my older daughter the boy would steer clear of my kids. And it taught my kids not to "tattle" or always depend on adults to come help. They learned early to take care of each other and stand up against bullies.

I don't usually advocate being physical, however I do believe in defending yourselves/siblings. And if the other kid "happens" to get a bloody lip, well so be it. Maybe if this other little girl gets hurt, maybe then your ex and his girlfriend will be more attentive when the girls "play" together. I have learned from experience that when the tables are turned on physical kids, suddenly their parents are more willing to get involved when it's THEIR baby who's getting hurt.

L.H.

answers from Savannah on

They're required to see their father - not his girlfriend and her bratty child. I'd let him know that the girls will be spending time with him AWAY from her because of her behavior.

Since they aren't over there all the time it shouldn't be too hard to arrange - given that they live with you and you can always plan when they'll be with him. Let him know in advance and make sure his girlfriend and her daughter aren't around during that time.

I'd start there. Good luck!

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B.L.

answers from Jacksonville on

First of all, this is totally unacceptable, and visitation should be revoked if dear old dad isn't protecting his children. That should be brought up with lawyer and judge. Second, it is A-OK to teach older daughter that it is the right thing to do to defend someone else, namely her sister! If the bully is beating up on little sister, and sorry father isn't doing anything about it or isn't around, then older sister should be allowed to defend little sister. That's what stops brutes - being stopped! But, it shouldn't be like this - she shouldn't have to be in self defense mode every time they visit the dad. That should be taken care of! It is amoral, in my opinion, to teach children to just sit around and feel bad instead of making a stand and stepping in when someone is being abused, just because it is politically correct or whatever garbage to be peaceful and not defend the defenseless.

I.M.

answers from New York on

R.,
I think you need to see a lawyer if your ex doesn't want to admit that there is a problem.
But most importantly is to teach your daughters to defend themselves. YES your oldest should by all means defend her sister!!! I always taught my children, they do not hit, they do not bully other kids, but they should always defend themselves and their sibblings!!! Maybe when your daughter defends her sister your ex will be force to see that there is a problem.
Again, it is not that I am for violence, but they need to defend themselves!
Tell them not to pick a fight, and not to provoke, but surely defend each other at all times.
Blessings

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S.H.

answers from Richmond on

I know I am repeating what others have said but I would take pictures and talk to your ex. Once a month (or twice when he lives up to his visitation agreement) he can be without his new honey and her bratty kid. Or, you can talk to lots of attorneys (initial consultation is free usually) about your rights and what, if anything, you can do. Just the mention of an attorney might set him up right. Tell him you don't want to cause trouble but you also don't want your daughter growing up thinking it's okay if people hit her and push her around!!!

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You describe your relationship with your ex as "very cordial" so invite him over and sit down with him and your girls and have a talk. Let the girls tell him how they feel.
Is this girl always there? Why? Does she live there? Can he agree to be "dateless" the O. weekend that they are there?

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