Bullying in Grade School

Hi D. ,you absolutely have to tell the school,they are the ones who have to interfere.don't wait another day ,this is dayly emotional trauma for all these children lovingly C.

I would definately intervene. It's one thing to let kids work it out when it doesn't cause physical harm, but the principal needs to know. There are anti-bullying rules now a days....hitting or kicking can result in suspension. Expulsion if they do it again. I have a 3rd grader that had something similar happen & we did get the principal involved. It hasn't happened since.

If this is 5th grade, and that kind of language is being used, then you need to intervine. The bullies will only get worse as they get older. Why is there an area of recess in elementary school where it is not supervised? My brother was bullied in elementary school. His head was actually slammed into a brick wall. And he has grown up quite angry because he doesn't think my parents did enough. I would go to the principal. They need to know.

Hey D.,

My advice is to enroll your son ASAP into some sort of self-defense program. It could be Karate or it could be a self-defense class for children. One of the things these classes teach children is how to walk, talk and act so as not to appear weak. That alone will stop 90% of any bullying.

I have always been a big proponent of non-violence, but I have heard enough stories from men to realize that growing up as a boy is different. Girls are also physically bulled, of course, but it seems to be almost a rite of passage for boys. While I would stress to your son that he should NEVER be the one to instigate a fight - even if someone is calling him terrible names - I would also let him know that it is OK for him to hit back in self-defense.

One caveat - some of those self-defense classes teach moves that can cause serious damage to another person. Children learn those moves to protect themselves against adult predators. However, if the boys at school push him around and he moves in and jabs their eyes, causing permanent eye damage, no one will care that he was trying to defend himself. So, before you sign him up for a class, find out what he will be taught about self-defense. He should be taught how to fight back without causing serious damage as well as what to do if his life truly is in danger (ie. some adult tries to abduct him).

This may not be a concern for you, but if you're worried about scaring him with these classes, you should know that the opposite happens. Studies have shown that children who have learned karate or some other method of self-defense feel calmer, more confident and are actually far less likely to engage in any physical violence or fighting.

I hope this ends soon. I've prayed for you and your son. M.

D. - I've emailed on this subject to another gal so, if interested, look that one up, as well. But I've been doing a LOT of research on issues of safety in our school system. Bullying is a growing problem and schools are mandated to have a ZERO tolerance for it. There are lots of great resources but, first and foremost, KUDOS for you for not letting this 'go' and trying to make the BEST choices for your son! It's hard to step in when you're concerned about the impact that will have on your child - however, the impact it can have if you fail to do so is equally, if not more, unpleasant.

I strongly advise all parents to pick up a book called Safe At School, Awareness and Action for Parents of Kids Grades K-12 by Carol Silverman Saunders - she does a great job of empowering parents and outlining proactive ways to work with the school, to ensure these kinds of problems are resolved for you and your child. And the school has EVERY reason you do (and more) to resolve them for you and your child - note, she also has an interesting comment on playgrounds - the most likely time of day our children are susceptible to this kind of stuff.

Also, check out the section on bullying at www.ncpc.org (National Crime Prevention Council - and if you call them, they will dish out FREE pubs to you and your family, including a 12-month calendar on all sorts of valuable stuff!). In their calendar, it states: "Being bullied is not just an unpleasant rite of passage through childhood. Research shows that people who were bullied as children are more likely to suffer from depression and low self-esteem, and bullies themselves are more likely to engage in criminal behavior later in life. Bullying can be physical (e.g., hitting, kicking, or pushing), verbal (e.g., taunting, teasing, or name-calling), and psychological (e.g., spreading rumors or social exclusion)." When you note that schools are required to have a no bullying policy, that means no physical, no verbal AND no psychological (I don't think people generally recognize spreading rumors / gossip / social isolation as bullying - it's rampant!!!).

If I were in your shoes, I would make careful notes - the days, times and incidents, to the best of my knowledge. I would set an appointment to discuss this with the teacher and principal. I would let them know that I am there to work WITH them - to ensure we're all on the same page with regard to these concerns. There is a zero tolerance policy and it's clear that, on the playground, this is happening. I would solicit from them their ideas as to a solution. One thing you want for ALL the children (not just your own) is better supervision at recess. There's no way those on duty can be everywhere all the time. But there's definitely a way to heighten awareness and intolerance for this stuff.

Don't sit back. Don't wait. Don't go in as a freaked out parent - educate yourself, collect your facts, know what you want for your son and go advocate for it. YOU, D., may help many more children than your son, as a result. I applaud your concern and willingness to get involved in improving this growing problem in our society!!!

BEST of luck to you,
T.

Bullies target their victims because their victims don't fight back. It is irrelevant as to whether or not one of the bullies may like your son's girlfriend - but they aren't attacking him because of jealousy. They are attacking him because they believe he will continue to behave like a good little victim - passive and weak.

I was bullied when I was in school . . . briefly. Initially I followed my mother's advice about turning the other cheek, blah blah, woof woof - and all it did was got me picked on even more. There is one consistent thing about bullies: They target the weak. The ones who WON'T fight back.

My father's advice was to fight back. I was shocked and more than a little scared because there were three to four girls who were picking on me. There was no way I could fight all of them. I didn't even think I could win a fight against ONE of them. My dad told me that it didn't matter - even if I lost the fight. The fact that I was willing to defend myself would be enough. He told me that I had the right and responsibility to physically defend myself against a physical attack. It took me a few days to screw up my courage, but I did defend myself. It was a fairly brief scuffle that was broken up immediately. And I NEVER had another problem in school with bullying ever again - and in fact stopped those same girls from bullying a freshman the following year.

When my sons start school and even before they are confronted with this type of situation, I will tell them that they are allowed to hit back if someone starts bullying them (while making it crystal clear that they better not start the fight!) I will also tell them that they will almost certainly be told by the teacher or the principal that they will get in trouble (because of the "no tolerance" policy) but I will tell them that they will not be in trouble with me or their Dad and me and their Dad will deal with the school. (I'm a lawyer. Their Dad is a cop. I do not anticipate the school causing any trouble so long as they were legitimately acting in self defense.)

If you are not comfortable giving your son permission and encouragement to defend himself against physical attacks that WILL get worse, I would immediately enroll him in karate where he will learn self confidence as well as how and when it is appropriate to use physical force to defend himself and others AND I would contact the school in writing (in a very specific and fact-based way) to let them know what was happening. I realize that your son doesn't want you to do this because he believes he'll get picked on even more, but these bullies ALREADY believe he is weak. If your son can't or won't defend himself it is your job to give the school the information to try to keep your son safe. Maybe you'll get lucky and the parents of the other boys will come down on their budding bullies like a ton of bricks.

But I really believe that if your son fights back, the bullying will stop immediately. (And be prepared to defend your son against the school's no tolerance policy.)

D.,

As a teacher I would advise you to intervene with your son. If this is the first time, then maybe coaching of your son on problem solving solution would be appropriate. However, if this is a repeating thing, then you should go to school with your son and talk with the teacher. Unfortunately, we can not see and hear everything that goes on in our classrooms filled with 25+ kids. If you are reasonable, respectful and concerned then the teacher will work to stop the incidences. It is easier to try and change the behavior of an 11 year old then it is to deal with the consequences of an 18 year old.

This is absolutely a call to action! Even though your son is nervous about you going to the school this is your responsibility. These kids will end up truly hurting someone. This is the kind of stuff that ends with someone going postal. Yes, even in grade school.

My pre-teen son was bullied and my husband went to the VP's office and had a sit-down. He made it clear that my son was afraid of retaliation. The VP waited a couple of days and then called my son into the office so there would be no rumors flying around that his dad came and then he tattled. The school arranged it so that someone "just happened" to catch the other kid in the act.

Please, please, please do not sit back and do nothing in hopes that this situation will improve.

Dear D.:

That is a tough one. Encourage him to play in areas where the 'recess' monitors are more likely to 'see' any misbehavior. Maybe he can make good friends with the other boy that is being mistreated. My mother always said 'A three stranded rope is not easily broken'. It means if you are together with others Bullies are less likely to be a problem.

Be thankful he feels safe enough that you will 'not embarass him' that he will share with you when he has problems. That is most important. If the bullying continues I would encourage him to speak privately with a counselor at the school about 'what to do' that way it would alert the school of a problem and perhaps they would have some more insight as to how to address the problem 'school wide'. Perhaps even have 'assembly' or group disscussions regarding acceptance of 'those different' than ourselves. I know I was surprised when my children were in school how the school encouraged 'student led counsels' to deal with problems and have a 'court' of peers to be able to deal with problems such as this.

My son had trouble clear up into High School where he was 'the smallest' and he would get stuffed into lockers and dumped in trash cans and even had dead skunk thrown at him. He finally 'grew' and was able to handle himself a bit better. When he was in high school he liked a girl and the girls brother didn't appreciate his 'attention' to the girl so he got a group of boys and attacked him. They hurt him pretty bad. When the doctors did a 'scan' to see if there was any damage to his eyes, the swelling was so bad they couldn't tell without the scan, the doctor found a tumor in his brain. They sent us to Stanford and Dale had a beign tumor removed and has been fine ever since. When Dale's friends wanted to 'take revenge' on the boy that hurt Dale he stepped in and stopped it and told everyone that no one was to 'do anything' that in fact the boy had unknowingly saved his life. The tumor 'could have' continued to grow and might have been VERY dangerous if it had been allowed to stay in there. So good came from the bad. I hope I have not scared you in sharing this. My son is now married and a father of 2 with 3rd on the way and doing wonderful.

I will pray God will give you wisdom on dealing with this problem.

Sincerly

S. P.-
Mother of 3 grown young adults and grandmother of 6 with the 7th on the way.

D.,

Don't just sit back and let your son be bullied. He doesn't want you to say anything, but your job as a mother is to protect and keep him safe. My oldest when in sixth grade was picked on by two boys. He was sent to school to get some papers he had not brought home for homework. I never let him ride his bike to the school 3/4 miles away, but this day I did. It was even his Birthday. I received a call from the school saying that two older boys had harrased him and offered him drugs, pushing him off his bike. As a mother, my heart sank! I ran to the school and biy did I lay into those older boys. I was a parent that frequented my kids classes doing crafts with the kids etc. The school and teacher knew me as a sweet and supportive parent. They saw how protective and supportive I was to my child. The father of one of the boys had been called to the school to get his son, because of what he had done. I laid into the kid in front of his father. The dad got into my face and I laid into to him also. The other kid I went to his home and talked to his parent. My son never had an issue with these kids again! I would never let my child ride his bike to the school again. I went against my own judgement in letting him do so for those stupid papers he didn't bring home. DO NOT just sit back and let your child be bullied! He's only in Fifth grade. He's still young. You definatly should go to the school and let them know how these kids are treating others. They should be alerted to this behavior. This is considered Harrasment. The school is responsible to make sure this kind of thing stops. Legally they are responsible! and Legally the parents are responsible! Best of luck!

J Bonneylake

D.,
I'm not sure what kids do your sons age because I'm not there yet, but when my son was in Kindergarten, he was bullied by a boy that was in his class, rode the same bus and lived 4 farms away from us. Trying to contact his mom was like squeezing blood from a lemon. I got our schools principal and teacher involved as well as the bus driver. I believe that the boys father may have been an emotionally as well as a verbally abusive father. The child was also three times my sons size.
Here's what worked. I put my son in Taekwon Do. My son gained confidence; which was noticed by the bus driver immediately. For the rest of the year, he left my son alone. Fortunately the boy did not return to our school the next year, but my son still has confidence and knows how to protect himself as well as others.
Because of bullying in the schools, our school district has adopted a program to reduce the incidences and there are serious consequences. Our principal also sits in classrooms while the older kids, 4th - 6th grade, are on recess to watch offenders to see if he can catch them in the act. (They can't see him.) He usually does, and takes care of things right away.
STRONGLY Suggest to your son that he should stay out of these un-supervised places at recess. Have him speak with a counselor, principal or other teacher so that they are aware that this problem is going on. Teachers are very descrete now a days when it comes to bullies. That way they can help him.
The final thing is to get him in some type of self defense program so that he can learn to protect himself and others that he cares about. (This will boost his confidence and cure his fear. He will no longer be considered weak in his own mind and stop believing what the boys are telling him.)
Lastly, I agree that one of the boys may be jealous about the girl. I also believe that the two other boys may be bullies because of peer pressure or because someone is treating them badly at home or there are some changes at home that they aren't adjusting to very well. (My vote is on the peer pressure.)
Just get your son the tools to take care of himself and see how things go. You'll find that confidence goes a long way. (If money is an issue, FIND it, borrow it. Protect your son.)
God Bless - A.

D., I can't urge you enough to go to the school's pricipal right away! Bullying is absolutely inexusable and should never, and I mean NEVER, be tolerated. If someone at the school knows to watch these boys, then the pressure is off your son. No one needs to know that you blew the whistle. Who knows? One of the kids bullied by these other three boys may not be as mentally adjusted as I'm sure your son is. And that's a recipe for disaster. (Columbine, anyone?) For what it's worth, my son has been the target of bullies for most of his school carreer. It is so heart breaking to watch any kid be mistreated. Remember, it is the responsibility of the school staff to prevent this type of behavior. If you don't get an adequate response from the school, then go further up the ladder. Good luck to you and to your son!

I am appalled that this would be tolerated! Does your son attend a large school? I would absolutely, with no hesitation, bring this to the attention to the principal! These boys are hopefully just "experimenting," but are headed down a VERY bad road. The loving thing to do is to intervene!

Teach him to fight back. End of story.

Let him fight back. My family and I moved around a lot while growing up. We would always be the new kids. We were constantly at odds with bullies. My mom never wanted us to fight. She would tell us to tell the teacher. Dad, however gave us the go ahead. He said, fight back, and fight mean. We found that once we defended our selves to a bully or group of bullies, we wouldn't have to fight again in that school. When we got to a new school, we would have to do it again. There is always at least one bully per playground. Its some unwritten law. It may not be politically correct, but it works. Like it or not, we will always have bullies, and some kids will get bullied. If he fights back, he won't be the bullied kid. Oh, and the school board doesn't approve of kids defending themselves so make sure your son is aware of that. If he does get caught fighting, its easier to get him out of trouble if they don't know you told him to fight. My dad said if we ever got caught fighting, he would have to deny telling us it was ok, but he always managed to keep us from getting in too much trouble. And we were made aware that if we ever started a fight, things would get ugly for us.

I would talk to the principle about it and ask Him/her to keep it quiet so your son doesn't find out you said anything, but to have the recess teachers go to those places that can not be seen. That won't help discipline those boys unless they are caught, but it might stop it from happening again. At my kids' school if that happend they would know about it because they don't allow kids to go to those places. They also have a really good no bullying program. They might want to impliment something there.

Hi,

My son is in 3rd grade and has been experiencing this same type of behavior from a fellow classmate. My son did not want us to intervene as well. I sent the principal an email about what was going on and the principal made it a point to be near during recess. The principal witnessed this behavior by the other child and he was punished. It is very hard as a parent to watch someone mistreat your child. You wonder what their parents are teaching them about respecting other people. My husband told my son that he would have to defend himself because he should not allow other children or anyone else to hurt him after he has expressed how much he doesn't like it. I did not agree whole heartidly with my husband's advice. No one wants to teach their child to fight back, but having been a teacher, I know that bullies only pick on the child that won't stand up for himself. There is a deeper problem also. Once other children see how the bully treats your child, all children label him or her as "weak." This could affect your child's self esteem. I think you and your child should sit down and talk about how you will stop this other child from bullying him. Then follow through with it. Your child may want to feel in control of making the decision to stop the bully...even if that means scheduling a meeting with the bully's parents. You should do something or this will continue. Best of luck to you.

You absolutely can't let this go. If your son is adamant about not interfearing, then call the school and tell them the whole situation. Explain that your son is really afraid of retaliation and that you need the intervention to look llike he didn't tell. Maybe they can have the playground teachers watch those kids from a distance and then "catch" them in the act. This is especially bad since they are using racial language. If you let it go, then it will only get worse. I can tell you from experience that if your son fights back, that will be the one time someone is watching and he will end up being the one who gets in trouble for it. PLEASE call the school. Don't let it go.

I think I would definately talk to the principal. This is happening to other children as well, and maybe they aren't able to talk to their parents about it. Personally I would tell him to punch them back, but I know people frown on that these days, so thinking with our heads, I think the principal would be your best bet. If they are using racial slurs also, that really gives the parents of the kids that are being picked on a "politically correct" leg to stand on. It sounds like these boys are a little more than your "average" school yard bully. You can talk to the principal and ask him to keep it anonomys so your son isn't harassed even more. I'm sure they could have the recess teachers keep an extra close eye on the naughty boys, and I would suggest to my son to only play in plain view of an adult until the situation is resolved.

D.,

Talk to your son about going strait to the Principal. School oficials must be told. You could be preventing another little boy from getting seriously hurt. This type of behavior is not acceptable anywhere, especially at school. If your child is still being bullied after telling someone, then I would pull him out of that school and put him in a different school or homeschool.

M.
2nd grade teacher and mother of two boys ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2

The thing we know for sure about bullying is that keeping the secret doesn't make it go away. The schools have tons of anti-bullying curriculum and this still happens all too frequently. Honestly, it is time to call a conference with the teacher, principal and school counselor and tell them what is happening at school on their playground during school hours. Clearly, they can do something about better supervision on the playground and they will want to because it leaves them open to liability and lawsuit if they don't make school safe for all kids. Your son is too young to solve the problem himself, that is why he told you about it. He needs your help.

I love my children and wouldn't want to embrass them or further cause them harm by these kids by stepping in but there is a time as parents we need too. I would stop in on recess a couple times a week and see what I see for myself (without the kid knowing). If something is happening then it would be great because the kid is getting busted by a parent and a teacher and then you can sit down and have a teacher parent conference with the bullies' parents as well. If you aren't able to go to the school randomly because of work then I would call for a parent teacher conference via phone or in-person to make the teacher aware of the issue. If she doesn't know there's a problem she wont look for one. And if that doesn't seem to work contact the principal and have a teacher, principal and parent conference. Hope I helped.

Hi,
I understand what you are going through because my 12 year old son has had a lot of problems with bullying as well, but he also has fought back and gotten into trouble in a lot of the incidents. I would just talk with the principal discreetly. You can or should be able to email him/her or call him/her and not mention any names so it doesn't come back on your son. If nothing changes, at least they will be aware of it and can keep their eyes and ears open in the future. Hopefully this helps. You have to let someone know or nothing will change and it will not get easier. Take care,
R. W.

You HAVE to do something!!! My son (4th grade) also had an issue with bullies following him home from the bus and picking on him at school saying they were going to kick his a** and steal his bike at recess, calling him names ect... But it sounds like these kids are racist and violent! I would go to the principle. Let her know that it is going on, school staff are well aware of kids feelings regarding bullies; it has been going on since the start of school. The behavior that these kids are showing can turn into something REALLY bad (as if it's not bad enough now) when they are older and should be stopped NOW. Imagine what they could be capable of when they are older if these attitudes continue.

In my case, when my son told me what was going on, I told him to tell his teacher and he said he couldn't because the kids weren't in his class and even if they were, he felt his teacher couldn't do anything since it was happening after they got off the bus to go home. One day I watched out the window for it to happen and when I saw the boys, I went outside, told them I was tired of how they were treating my son, and if it continued, I knew where they lived (I lied) and would tell thier mothers. Then I said if they kept doing it after I told their mothers, I would call the police. It never happened again.

D.

The bullying MUST stop. It is so damaging to your son. I would let the principal know what is going on and then I'd call the parents of each boy involved. I had good luck with that strategy. Of course, it is intervening, but it has to stop before your son takes care of the situation. It was happening to my son last year and the principal kept focusing on his reaction to the bullying instead of stopping the cause. I eventually went to the school and watched it all happen and then reported my observations to the principal. That finally go their attention.

Cindy

D., there are strict laws against bullying at school. You need to talk to the school counselor with your son. Help him to understand the importance of talking to the school counselor. This cannot be allowed to go on for your son's benefit and for the benefit of the other kids in the school. My son has been the victim of bullying in the past and we had it dealt with right away with the school counselor. He has not had a problem with it since. My son is 12. He now has the confidence to go to the counselor whenever there is the least sign of bullying for him or his friends. WA state is a zero tolerance state on bullying. It will be taken care of. If not, you can contact your nearest Educational Service District and talk to the person there who handles bullying and request they come and talk to your son. They can then begin a program in your son's school to deal with bullying.

Hi, D.. Your story alarmed me and prompted me to write. You absolutely must intervene. This situation will only escalate if it is ignored. As a child, your son's want for you to not step in is understandable. Naturally, he's afraid of the backlash when these kids get called out for their behavior. But as a child, what he doesn't understand, is that these kids will only continue to bully if not confronted. As a parent, your number one objective is the safety and well-being of your child, therefore you must speak up to the teacher and staff of his school. There are too many sad stories of kids who have been bullied at school. Boost his self-esteem by showing him you are there to back him up 100%, no matter the situation. I am a parent of two young boys and I was raised by a single parent. Although I am married, I can now appreciate how hard of a job she had. She was ALWAYS there for me, no matter how hard it was for her. Best of luck to you! B.

I've been in a similar situation and you must must must go to the principal and speak with your child's teacher.
If they aren't around when it happens they probably have no idea.
Tell them that your son is afraid of more retaliation so they know how to go about this without more threats headed your son's way.
This begins different communication with your school, maybe even daily reports.
I've found programs on the web about bullying. Here's one http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/ .
If attempts to remedy this situation don't happen soon you should communicate with other parents and meet with the principal again as a group.
Being bullied honestly and truly stinks!!! And it hurts even more I'm sure because they we're at his birthday party and played ball together!
I'm so proud of your son, and you in turn, to hear that he did not fight back.
Let me know how it goes.

I hate to hear your son is being bullied it is awful, but unfortunately it happens. Before you read my advice please keep in mind that I am from the south and african american. The advice I'm about to give may not work for you and your son but it worked for me. When I was in school I got bullied and came home crying. My mom beat my butt because I didn't stand up for myself and she told me everytime I came home crying because I was bullied I would get a whoopin! So the next day I went to school and my bullies picked on me again; this time instead of crying and walking away, I opened my mouth and told the bullies to back off and leave me alone. They laughed and started pushing me and I swung on one! Shocked them; not only did I swing on one I actually got into a fight! From that point on, I didn't have another problem because I stood up for myself. I'm not telling you to make your son fight, but I am suggesting that you encourage him to stand up for himself. Talk to the teacher and give her a heads up that if your son keeps getting bullied you gave him permission to protect himself! Hopefully the bullies will back off! Good luck.

You need to contact the school right away! Schools today have a zero to low tollerance for bullying. You need to tell them who is doing it and what they are doing (to your son and others). You can also tell them your son would like to remain anonoymous, but you want to situation taken care of A.S.A.P. Tell your son he needs to stay clear of those boys (even if they pretend they are being his friend) and tell your son he needs to stay on the playground where the playground people can see him.
Bullying as a child turns into bigger things when they are in Jr. High and High School. Most schools are teaching kids today that bullying is wrong, and they are educating parents on this as well. This needs to be resolved right away.
Tell your son he is not being a tattle tale, but he's reporting something that isn't right. If he saw 2 men rob a bank or hit a car, he would tell the authorities, right?

Mom of 2 boys ages 12 and 6.

D.:

I am a retired school teacher, Principal and Superintendent. I know that your son doesn't want you to talk to anyone about this but it is your job as a mother to protect your child. You need to call the teacher and have a frank talk with him/her. Tell her that you are not trying to get anyone in trouble but you will not have your son bullied at school where he is supposed to be safe everyday. Tell her that you would appreciate it if she did not reveal her source if possible, but that the children involved, including your son, need to be talked to about this. Any good teacher will have a way of doing this that will not "finger" anyone in particular on the first "talking to." If something else happens, then you need to involve the teacher and the Principal. In case you are not aware, it is against school policy for bullying to happen at school and may be against the law depending on where you live. Bullying is a serious issue, not just the little "picking on kids" like it was when you were little. Please do not sit back and see what happens.
Nothing is more important than your child's safety and the safety of all the children in school.

I am a teacher and I have to say that we miss these kinds of things sometimes and if you don't alert someone at the school things could get worse. Your son and even the other kids do not have to know you said anything the administration can start by making sure these kids are monitored at at recess. Sometimes even the bullies do not realize what they are doing until a grown up points it out. For the sake of all of the children let someone know. Your son sounds like an extraordinary young man, kudos to you for great parenting!

I'm sorry but even if he did not want me to intervene, I would at least call the teacher and inform her of what these children are doing. He may not like it now but if the teacher and you do this right he may not even have to know that you called. It may be something that the teacher keeps a closer eye on this group. It is never right to ignore the situation when the safty of your child and others could be threatened. I hope you take some action! Give your son other non reactive ways of coping and fighting back to these boys as well. There are lots of websites with info on bullies. I hope this helps!

This happened to my son...the same exact kind of thing. The playground attendant can't be everywhere and there are a lot of areas they can't see. I just told my son to play really near the playground attendant. I know, not the most fair solution for your son, but it does work. Or some schools they let you go to the library during recess. Or tutor younger kids during recess. My son ended up playing jump-rope near the playground attendant.
I would definitely tell someone. You are the adult and you need to keep your child safe
It is sad to read through all these and see all the cases of kids being bullied. I was bullied as a child, too. It makes me wonder why there isn't a solution to this. Schools have a "No Bully Policy" but that is no better than those "Drug Free Zone" signs. It doesn't actually stop the activity.
We ended up switching schools and my sons no school had a no bully policy that was enforced.

I am a Parent Club President at my children's school. My suggestion to you would be to talk to the principal even if your son doesn't want you to get involved. But if someone does not speak up to those children or the teachers then they will continue and may be worse next time. I know my children don't like me to get involved either but you need to do what you think is best even if it is against your child's wishes. If no one intervenes now than no one will till it is too late.

Wow do I feel for you. My son is in 6th grade and gets bullied too. Not to terribly bad though. He does open his mouth and speak up and lets peopl know it's not ok. I personally was NEVER an advocate of violence. To me that only teaches them when they are hurt to retaliate, and that's not ok with me. I would either call your sons teacher or the office and tell them your son doesn't want to be embarassed by you calling but they NEED to know these things. If nothing stops, take the next step in getting the boys number and calling his parents. I'm sorry, but YOU have to be his voice right now. It leads to low self esteem in kids when they get bullied like that. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but i'm right there with you sister, stand up for your boy and be his voice.
W.

Please, GO and talk to his teacher. Those attitudes in the classrooms or on the playground SHOULD never happen and should be dealt with by the teaching community at his school. Teachers need to know that those things happen !It is your duty as a mom and fellow parent to tell the teacher, whatever your son says. It happened to me. I went to talk to the teacher immediately and things improved.
I must say though that the most efficient way to counteract those attitudes is to teach your son to set boundaries for himself. That is one of the toughest parts of parenting. Good luck ! LS

First of all, the behavior and the language are totally unacceptable. I strongly suggest that you do intervene and call or e-mail the teacher to let them know what is happening. Playground monitors may or may not see/know what is happening, but it's no excuse for the activity. Seems there are some issues of diversity that need to be addressed.
This is an excellent opportunity for the teacher to talk about diversity in the classroom without calling any one student out for their behavior. You mentioned that the 2 boys attended your son's birthday party. If you have a passing conversational relationship with their parents, pick up the phone and give them a call. Ask them if they know of any problems their boys are having with your son. You need both sides, so you don't want to assume that your son is without 'fault' in this. Then once you hear what they have to say, tell them what you've been told, it's not what you know, and see what you can do to improve the situation. And on the off chance that nothing did occur at school because your son doesn't want you to intervene, but came home with this account of his day, could he be seeking some additional attention at home? Any attention, even bad attention, is a good thing because we're paying closer attention to them. Again, talk with the teacher, find out what's happening school and see what you can do together to make it better.

Hi there,

I'm the mother of two boys ages 4 and 7. My boy had some name calling that he dealt with at school and I talked to his teacher about it. It seems that an intervention is the right thing to do even though your son doesn't want it. His physical safety at at risk.

My older sons teacher was grateful for the info and explained to me and my son the difference between reporting and tattleing. Reporting is when someone is going to get hurt either physically or emotionally and tattleing serves the purpose of getting someone in trouble. Perhaps you could explain this to your son that it is important to report bullying so that it can be stopped.

There is a lot of info on the internet regarding ways to deal with bullying and I would go to Mothering magazine's website because they have published articles on how to help kids in this situation.

Good Luck,

L.

You have to talk to the school. They know how to deal with this better than anyone, and it's their responsibility to keep your child safe. They need to know about problem kids and problem areas for everyone's sake.

You report this immediately to his teacher and the principal. This kind of behavior needs to be reported for the protection of your son. I do not believe these kids will continue this treatment of him once the teacher and principal has been notified. It is also your responsibly to report this so that future incidents on other children do not happen. I feel for your son and hope all goes well.

I am a teacher and there are laws against this....depending on which state you are in. You should absolutely intervene, but you can sure do it in a way that will not implicate your son as weak....you can call whomever handles descipline at your sons school and just explain your situation to them. Ask them if they could just have a recess teacher intentionally watch these boys at recess so that she can catch them rather than your son telling. BUT, it is not ok for your son to have to deal with this bullying. That is terrible.

My daughter is going through something similar with our neighbors. There are 3 sisters that ride the bus with her and make fun of her. Me and another neighbor had to create a whole new bus stop just to get some peace. I think you should go to the principle, the teacher in the class and also the school counselor. Sometimes kids your sons age don't know what is best for them. You as a mother have better instincts. Trust them. If that doesn't work set up meeting through the principle to meet with the bullys parents. If that doesn't work you have the right to press charges under the states bullying laws. Do what is best for your child's quality of life. He might hate you now but love you later. Take Care . P. J

You have to go to the school. My daughter is also in 5th grade and was having problems with bullying at the begining of the year. When we went and talked to the teachure she was able to start watching more closely what was happening. She then was able to intervene during the the bullying, without having to put a spotlight on my daughter and make her a "tatltale". The schools now have programs about how to deal with bullying and will take it very seriously. If they don't take the next step and call the superintendent. I hope this works for you and your son. Just let him know it will all be kept between him and the adults, and that it will not only help him but also the other boy.

This is when parent intervention is crucial. It goes a little beyond obnoxious behavior and embarrassing your kid. I would definetly call a meeting with the teacher. Most teachers do not support bullying and need to be informed if it's happening.
Also, being a single parent of a boy it would be helpful to give him karate lessons. IT would build self confidence and give him the tools to protect himself. They are careful to teach about fighting and self defense in a mature way.

D.,

My heart is breaking for you! I have a son in third grade who is quite similar to how you described your son. So far none of his "attacks" have gone as far as your sons but there is nothing that hurts worse than sitting around watching our children in pain! I recommmend calling the school ASAP. If this is happening in an area less supervised during recess, it needs to be supervised, and the school may not be aware of the problem area. I don't see why the school would need to single out your son as the one who brought it to their attention, or bring attention to him at all while addressing the issue. These kids doing the bullying need help and need help now. It is an issue which goes beyond school yard pushing and shoving. By not doing something the school will be sending a message to this kid it is ok to bully and he will be a bully his whole life! Please address it soon before something more severe happens. Good luck to you, my thoughts are with you and your son!
T. W
PS Your son is very kind and sounds very brave. Kudo's to you and how you are raising your child. Please assure him, as I am sure you do, he did the right thing by not fighting back and continue to instill high self worth! He sounds like a wonderful kid (and not just because he reminds me of my son!).

My son had the same problem when he was in grade school, he also didn't want me to intervene but you know what a mother has to do what a mother has to do. I went and talked to my son's teacher and the school counselor. They pulled him out of class and talked to him one on one then they pulled my son's friend out of class along with two other children to confirm the bullying. Find out from your son if any of his friends are wittnessing this and get it taken care of before it goes to middle school, because it just gets worse there. Anyway to end my son's story, the boy's father was called in as well as the Sheriff. The boy had to write a letter of apology and even though they were in the same class he was told he was not allowed to go near or talk to my son ever again. I know you wnat to do as your son asks but sometimes it is better to intervene than not. I hope this helps.

My child's school has a "no bully" policy, as I believe every school does now. It's just not acceptable to bully others and I know it's not something any parent wants to do, but I believe you have to contact the school officials ASAP. Bullying is not acceptable in any way and causes a lot more damage to children, than just minor cuts and bruises. I know that if your son and this other Asian boy are being bullied, there has to be others. I believe the school officials can intervene without the bullying children knowing which parent stepped up to call out these bullies on their behavior. The school has an obligation to stop these incidents, and I'm a little amazed that a playground attendant or a teacher has not seen this behavior previously.

first...these young men are OUT OF LINE!! totally unacceptable in any school in america...give the principal the wrd on what is going on..ask that they not single out you or your son..it is just a HEADS' UP on this group of boys..secondly...the only advice i can give u..is 2 let your son know HE controls what happens to him..a simple...BACK OFF.. could be all he needs to say..but it is his problem, and he will have to work it out...unfortunately we can not fight their battles for them..protect them..yes..but not take the fight 4 them..we, as parents have to prepare them to stand up for themself now..and for the rest of their life..what he is going through is just DRESS REHERSAL for the tomorrows to come..
Have FAITH..it is a tough road, being a single parent..but you can do it..many of us have with superior results..just keep the FAITH..

All schools have anti bullying rules. If it was just verbal I would let your son deal with it for awhile. But they are being physical so you have to do something. I would contact your son's teacher and the school counselor and let them know what is going on. I would write it down and give them a copy.

This behavior is totally in appropriate racist and pure harrassment. not to mention bullying. There are laws against it and one must report to the principal of the school and actioin must be taken. Just state the facts, the physical the names when it happened. This cannot be allowed to go on for any of the kids' sake.

I think that you need to have your son go to the principal and discuss this issue with him/her. Those boys need to have something done to them for their ignorant actions. You should talk with your son first and have him do it or you will have to intervene. I understand you want your son to be an independent person to handle his own problems, but it will start to interfere with his studies and his self-esteem. I work very closely with my son's principal and any problems that may arise, I handle them with her. That's what they are there for. And your probably right about the one boy. He may have a crush on the same girl. But it should be addressed as soon as possible. You don't want to have this situation get out of control. I hope that this helps. Good luck with your son and his bullies.

You have to respond. This is too serious. All the pertinent adults: principal, recess teachers, classroom teachers, any teacher that has contact with any of the 4 boys at all must know what is going on. This behavior will escalate if it is not attended to. These boys need to know the consequences of bullying, violence, racial discrimination and harassment is swift and serious. I would also demand that the school do a school wide bullying awareness training. Don't wait. Good Luck.

I've always taught my son to try and handle it himself first. With repeat verbal intimidation, I told him to seek an authoritive figure first and see if the situation betters. With physical altercations, I've always told him to defend himself. He is not to "throw the first blow", but needs to be able to defend himself if need be. Especially if there aren't enought adults to properly supervise all areas of the school grounds. Ultimately it's up to the school's vice principle and/or disciplinary figure to handle children who are out of control. And it sounds like these "boys" are out of control. I'm sure it has everything to do with the little girl! So hard to deal with, I know.

My son (now 30) went through the same problem in the 6th grade, and also didn't want me to get involved. I did get involved though, secretly. I talked to the school principal and told him I didn't want my son to know. I requested that he "put a bug" in the ears of the teachers monitoring the playground during recess to watch for the problem. Sure enough, busted....they were found out. It pretty much settled down a bit after that. It probably is the girl issue, and jealousy. Around 11 and 12, is when they're all beginning with testosterone levels increasing and it's amazing how it affects them. :-)

Hi D.,
despite the reason for the bullying it has to stop. Is it possible for you to have a private conference, phone or in person, with the principle and have her put all the recess teachers on notice that there is a problem and to watch for it? That way your son doesn't need to know you called and he won't feel like you interfered. If the teacher on duty is aware and see's something, they can interfere and parents can be called in. If the school is not notified they can't do anything about it.
It might not hurt to get him some kind of self defense classes or training to help him if he does get in a situation where there are no adults around to intervene, (especially if he's being bullied by more than one ) my policy at home is my kids are never to start a fight and walk away if they can...but if they absolutely can't get away from the fight than they have my OK to do what's necessary. We'll deal with the school later. That's another reason to notify the school, if your son faces a discipline issues from the school for fighting you will have a record of trying to resolve this peacefully...

I can understand your reservations about comming to his rescue, but if were me I would be outraged. I would quietly go to the principal immediatley. I don't think bullying or racial discrimination should be permitted in the least degree. I think you should actually give names to the principal as well. It's not just your son being bullied either. If I was a parent of a son who was being a bully, I would want to know about it. If these boys don't get caught now and learn that they can get away with this type of behavior, they will just get worse. Good luck.

You are his mother and an adult. You should most definitely intervene. Contact the school principal or asst. principal and have a meeting either in person or on the phone. Bullying is not acceptable. If they don't learn that their actions have repercusions now what will happen when they grow up. Your son and the other child continue to be victims. They can be repremanded immediately.

Your son and this other child are probably not the only kids being hurt. The monitors only need to be informed that these children have been bullying students and have them keep an eye on them, in no time they will show their true colors and be caught again.