How to Handle Husband Taking the Checkbook.

I went through this when I went back to work when my youngest started school. All of a sudden, it seemed that I was required to report everything and it made me angry because I felt like the message was I was mishandling money. For a while I opened a bank account of my own and used it to pay for bills that we had agreed on and it was also what I used for extras like hair cuts and things for my boys and the house. It took several months but he began to relax. In my case, he was worried that my getting a job meant that I no longer needed him. Once he realized that was not the case, he began to relax. In the end, I kept the account, it became Christmas/Birthday account. He even reached a point where he would let me take him out on a date.
This may not be the case for you but I hope this helps. Male egos are easy to offend and just as easy to repair.

Long story short, I have been in a similar situation and he might be hiding a "bigger" issue. Just another outlook from past experience.

L., I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if you already heard this but...

Keep in mind that for some of us who never really had to budget the economy now is making us question whether that was smart. I am in a similar situation, we never budgeted before although I thought it would have been a good idea. We didn't ever know where our money went, we saved, invested, and spent what we wanted. (WE WERE NOT LIVING BEHOND OUR MEANS, as it sounds you aren't either.) Now, even though we are financially fine I am a bit freaked out by the news and fear of the future. I hope that is all your husband is feeling too. I have stopped watching the news and it definitely helps!

No one knows what the future holds and if your husband is worried that he could lose his job that is a huge stress that didn't exist before.

I own my own business and am hiring and growing. If I can be of any help don't hesitate to contact me. Our staff work from home (sort of) and it is incredibly flexible. ____@____.com

Good luck. Remember the longest recession in history was only 18 months. We are on our way to recovery :)

It's true there are a lot of "reasons" why he could be acting this way, but the way he is handling it is abusive and controlling. You need to protect yourself while you are working this out, if it can be worked out. Don't let youself be left with empty pockets at anytime. The fact that he quits couseling is a bad sign, I know this from experience.

I feel ur pain. I've been dealing with the same exact issue for 6 years. Like you we also went to counseling, with a psychologist, and he was diagnosed with compulsive behavior disorder and anger issues. After that everything made sense now. I just let it go, its not worth fighting over money, trust me its useless. I have 3 yr old twins and for them i have accepted the situation. I get an "allowance", which I can spend as I wish. I am a bit disappointed, cuz I was a professional working woman before babies. I decided to stay home for my kids and I know in the long run it will be worth it. When they start school I look foward to returning to the workforce and enjoy financial independence again. Bit of advice, we dont fight anymore about money. He has his private account and I have my own private acct in a different banks. Sometimes marriages work better when not everything is shared. Think of it this way, if he wants the burden of paying bills and controlling the money, its less headaches for you and more time to worry or do other stuff. good luck

If he doesn't want to afford a sitter, how are you supposed to find work? And if you DO find work, who pays for the sitter, you? out of your paycheck? Does he get how much day care costs? a full time sitter even? These are things that need to be discussed if you are to work. Maybe this is his way of forcing you to go out and work, which is definitely an abusive tactic and controlling at the same time. If this is his way, tell him he needs to set you up with a debit card and inform you how much extra there is for groceries, child needs, YOUR needs, etc. It is only fair. I think it might be time for ultimatums. Marriage is shared as well as money should be. If you went out and got a job and kept all of YOUR money, would that be fair? No. He would expect you to turn your check over to him or hand you the checkbook, right? I think its a silent way to force you out the door to work. Don't tolerate it.

Hey L.
Glad you reached out.
He is being abusive. Re read your post. No one should feel like you do. The question does he know he is?
Either A sit him down, be very gentle with is ego and help him see the big picture.......you are in this together, you make decisions together, we are a team together regardless of who brings home the bacon.
Or
See a counselor. If he doesn't go, go for yourself. You could use the support for some very big decisions that may need to take place. trust me, he doesn't have to go in order for the counseling to work. I think there is probably more going on as the other posters have said.

It is Biblical for the husband to take care of all the bills and finances. He is the man and should be making the money. You should not have to work outside the home unless it is truly need. I would love it if my husband wanted to do that. But it is just the opposite in our house, my husband does not even want to see the check book. He just charges anything he needs.

Questions: Does he do all the shopping and purchasing of misc. items?? Or does he just tell you to charge it.

My suggestion is to ask him for a cash card or a debit card. You don't need the checkbook to use a debit/cash card. If you are worried that he is spending the money on something else. Just get set up on-line and you can view all activity in you checking account. Or just look at the statement when they come.
if he says you don't need to look at the statement, then I would be worried about more than not having access to the checkbook. I would be worried about a control issue or that the money is not going where it should be going.

Good Luck,
S.

Hi L.,
I totally understand what you are going through. I didn't return to work f.t. after my son, who is 28 months. I worked a little p.t here and there after he turned 9 months. Being without my salary put a HUGE strain on us financially and personally. My husband treated me with no respect during the time in which I didn't bring in any money. He makes ALL the decisions and flat out told me I have no say in anything b/c I don't make any $ He wanted me home w/our son but also wanted me making money. Sometimes you just can't have both.

However, I started my own business from home w/my sister a year ago and the money I have brought in thus far has made a big difference. I feel I have more freedom and that I can do more for myself personally(not spending money but just getting out of the house for a break!) It's not right how he treated me but I can say that it's a tremendous amount of stress for my husband to feel he has to support us and not get any financial assistance from me. In a perfect world, we could afford for me NOT to work.. but this is life and it's a very expensive one. Times are different now... most don't have the luxury to have one parent stay home.

The first year and half of my son's life was quite stressful.. huge strain on our marriage. He takes his stress out on me and therefore treated me w/disrespect. But don't we all do that? We hurt the ones we love most. Instead of resenting him, I decided I need to step up and help. It's tough.. you will get through this. Stand by each other and work it out. You have your child now that makes your marriage harder but more worth the fight now. Best of luck to you! I hope things get better.

I think at a time like this, it could be as simple as all of the gloom and doom the media is predicting with the economy, or it could be something far more complicated with your husband. I know my husband freaks out every year at Christmas because there is usually more money going out than coming in, but never once has he begrudged me staying home with our children. He always tells me he is keeping us afloat until the kids are older and I can get a job. Then we will worry about cleaning up our financial report. If your household income will not allow you to stay home any longer, that is understandable, but if he is starting to devalue you, that is something entirely different. Don't sit by and let it go on. Look for answers and trust your gut. Good luck. : )

It sounds to me like he's "punishing you" for not working. He resents you not bringing in an income, or not contributing your fair share. No wonder it feels abusive to you. It is.

Do you have any access to money at all? Do you have a debit card? Can you withdraw cash?

Are you both signed up on the account? Does your bank have online banking? If so, sign up. If not, go to the bank and request a bank statement. Withdraw some cash for you, or open a savings account for yourself and transfer money into it. You need a safety net. Check out the bank transactions on your joint account, and see if something is fishy.

Quite honestly, I didn't think of cheating when I read your post. It certainly is a possiblity, and one worth considering. However, the feeling I got was that he was hiding something. Whether it's gambling problem, or a drug problem, or he's working fewer hours and bringing home less cash, or he lost his job and can't tell you... Something like that. Or it could just be how he expresses his anger toward you, because you are not contributing financially to the marriage. (Yikes)

Remember that even though you may not be putting a paycheck into your account, that doesn't mean you aren't contributing to the marriage. You are a stay at home mother, which is a HUGE contribution. One that is an investment in your son's future, and very valuable indeed. You also contribute in other ways. Consider how much your husband would pay if he had to pay a cleaning lady, a cook, a nanny, someone to do his laundry, etc. Just because he gets compensated with money, and you don't, that doesn't make your contributions less valuable.

Are you no longer allowed to spend money at all?

If he's paying all the bills, does that mean you are allowed no access to money for any reason? Is he going to buy your tampons for you, give you cash to go to the hair salon, buy your makeup, give you gas money? Will he be the one to give your son money for the father's day project in preschool? Or the field trip in kindergarten? Will he give you toll money so you can drive to your friend's house, or your mother's house, or to go to that job interview? Is he buying his own Christmas present? How are you supposed to function in these circumstances? He's not just taking control of the checkbook here. He's taking control of the entire family structure, and effectively putting you in your place. A very low place.

If he felt that money was an issue, and you needed to bring home an income, he should have been able to discuss this with you. Not punish you by taking away your access to money and criticizing how you have spent it in the past.

What's odd is that you say that he makes enough money. And you should know, since you formerly controlled the finances. Why does he now turn it around and say that you didn't handle it correctly, or that needs to take control? Or act like money is really tight? Why is he doing this? Is it control? Punishment? Or is he trying to keep you from seeing something? None of this is good.

You really need to revisit the need for counseling. If he won't go, then YOU go alone. NOW.

Can this be worked out? Sure it can, if he is willing to talk to you, share his concerns (not blame), and work together toward a solution and a better future. But it sounds like you've tried this, and have had no results. You have even tried marriage counseling.

(Perhaps instead of a marriage couselor, you should be discussing these matters with a lawyer.)

Good luck. I hope you are able to get through to him, and that you two can resolve this issue. It can't continue the way it is.

First of all keep in mind how stressful it must be to be head of household. Three people's lives depend on your husband's paycheck. Right or wrong, men feel like failures if they can't provide for their families. If he may feel like thins are suddenly out of control and may be suddenly stressed about losing his job, given the economy. This may be his way of attempting to control the situation. Hopefully, that's all that it is.

With that said, however, anytime any spouse attempts to take total control over the finances, it should be a red flag. Think about it. Now you don't know what's going on. He could completely drain all of your accounts and you wouldn't know it. He could leave you high and dry with a 2-year old little boy. You could technically go to the bank (assuming you have joint accounts) and order your own checks & ATM cards and setup online banking, but going behind his back is not the way to settle this. That's a sign of weakness, which is what he wants you to be if he is doing this to be abusive. You need to look him straight in the eye and tell him that you are a team and that you should work together on your finances. Tell him that if he takes total control of the finances then that means you lose total control and that's not fair to ask of anyone in a marriage. If he insists on behaving this way and refuses to compromise, then that just tells you how little he values you and your competence. If he continues to refuse to get the help that you think you need in order for your marriage to survive, then you need to start looking out for yourself and start taking steps to protect you and your son's well being.

Good luck!

This happened to me in my “first marriage”. At first, I was hurt and angry......,then I figured out that I didn’t have to worry about the bills; it was great! He gave me a budget for food, which was a pain but I dealt with it. After a few months, when he saw that it wasn’t as easy as he thought it was going to be; he tried to give the check book back to me……..I told him “no way”, you wanted it; you got it!!! I also started getting my own credit up and going…….credit card…..etc. Now you can check the balance of the check book on line (when this happened to me, I couldn’t do that!!). If you see anything funny then I’d go ahead with the PO Box and start setting yourself up just in case you need to get out!! I ended up doing just that……….getting out. It was very hard because I too was a “stay at home” mom. I started a small business out of our house more of a hobby than anything else. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make” one” house payment. I not only made one; but with the help of friends and family I was in the house for 13 years then finally found my “knight in shining armor”,after kissing a lot of toads!!

Up until you mentioned anger issues, I was thinking this will blow over after a few discussions. I agree with the first poster...get a PO box, and your own accounts that you have the statements mailed to the PO box. If you have someone with anger issues and is exhibiting major contol all of a sudden, something is up. Has he spent money he doesnt want you to know about? Hopefully xmas? But I would be concerned, big time.
Really do a bit of snooping and I hope you find that he bought you something great for xmas and wanted you to be suprised.

hey L.!!!!!
girl, All i hear is CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. (fear,fear,fear) you want control, he wants control. no where in there do i read compromise consideration or communication. (communication being key) and yeh you are angry/hurt about what has happened and how, so naw you ain't fit yet to talk to your man about how you feel or coming up with a workable solution where each one can participate without stepping on the others toes, because some toes deffinetly been stepped on. Take a few deep breaths, pray, regroup and then go talk to you man about your concerns and listen to his. i hope you all can do it calmly without being on the attack or defense

Well, I can tell you that this happened when my step-father (now ex-step-father) wanted to divorce my mom. He was having an affair and wanted to keep his spending secret as well as make sure "his" money was not being spent on "frivoluos things".

This is mostly likely not your case but your husband does seem to be overly controlling all of a sudden. I think it might be a good idea to seek a marriage counceler. Either an unbiased person like a couples/family therapist or possibly your pastor/priest at your church. Getting talking and putting things out in the open can really help. It seems as though your husband is going through some issues that are negatively affecting your family and that needs to be dealt with.

First a practical answer - you don't have to write checks in number order, so if you need a check you can take the next book out of the box.

It may be that he's very stressed out by the economy and is trying to get control of things in general. It may be that he resents your not working. It may be that he's worried about his job and feels he can't tell you, so this is how he acts out. (It may also be that he's hiding an affair, but I don't really think that's it unless he's a sociopath, because that would really be mean!)

Whatever his reasons, he needs to know that his behavior isn't acceptable to you. I think counseling is an excellent idea. You need a neutral party because it sounds like you are currently trying to negotiate with his inner ten-year-old, which isn't going to be possible.

When you're looking for someone to talk to, look for the phrase "solution-focused brief therapy." These therapists are trained to work on specific situations for a limited number of sessions. Also, if he has an EAP at work, you might be able to get one or two free sessions with a therapist to get started.

I think him taking the checkbook is a sign that something has changed. Whether he is insecure at work or if he is cheating on you...something is happening. I would try and figure out what it might be. I would also tell him that you want access to the checking account. Get a debit card in your name...AND get a checking account in only YOUR name!

It sounds like there is more to the problem than just the money aspect. You have to make a choice and ask questions to see if you can get some truthful answers. If you tried counseling and it didn't work you might try speaking with your doctor about the problem and see if there are any suggestions or if you might get some suggestions from your pastor . Also, you could sit down one evening and just talk about some of the problems (without arguing) and see if you can come to a happy medium. Ask him if there is anything other than money that's interfering with the marriage. You need to get some answers so you will know which direction to go in to make the marriage a working relationship. How is your sex life? That can have an impact on a relationship too. It takes two to make it work and you sound as if that's what you want so you may have to bend a little to get a positive response.Good luck, God bless you both and I hope things work out for you. Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

Dear L.,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think I would want to look at this story in perspective.

1. Are you happy with this...of course no.
2. Are you willing to live the rest of your life like this.
3. Since the counseling hasn't worked...what will?

Have you seeked counseling on your own for your self? I guess...the next question is. Are you prepared for "what if" the marriage doesn't work out.

I would prepare yourself and also ask to see the monthly statements just to see what is going on. At least then he cannot say in the future that you showed no interest.

Good luck and try to enjoy the holidays. I will be thinking of you.

Heather

Honestly, the first thing that went through my mind is that he is or is planning on cheating on you. The whole situation just wreaks of a problem. If I were you, I would take steps to protect myself. 1) Snoop to make sure that all is kosher. 2) Start establishing yourself as an independent just in case you need a Plan B for you and your son and 3) Find a job. 1) You don't want him doing something that he won't be honest about, 2) With his anger issues, you don't want him controlling everything...that will give him more power and that won't be healthy either and 3) Get your own source of income so that you can walk away if you need to.

I hope for your sake that he is just trying to surprise you with a Christmas gift but I worry that this isn't the case given his anger issues. I say plan for the worst and hope for the best. Hope this helps. Good luck and let us all know what happened.

Take care of you and that precious little boy.
N.

I read this to my husband and he said that the first thing that came to him was that your husband was trying to hide something. This is coming from a man who has lost his job nine months ago due to downsizing and his job being eliminated, and never had a problem with me taking care of our finances. Yes the economy is horrible we know it first hand but what he is doing is wrong. Take a look around and see if there are other red flags you may not see or don't want to see. Is he coming home later that usual, going out more, gambling, drinking more, or working late, etc. You need to protect you and your son. Do you have banking on line? You can always check the balance on your accounts if you have an ATM card at the ATM machine if you do not have access to them on the computer. As far as this working out that is up to you and your husband. I hope that all works out for you good luck.

L.,
I see "red flags" as I read your information. The first thing I would do is get my own bank account at a different bank. The second thing I would do is find some sort of part-time income. One possible option is the company I work part-time with: http://www.ecoquestintl.com/ellwingair. Or, maybe you are good at book keeping - many small family owned businesses use a at-home mom as book keepers. What are you good at that you can do part-time at home? Counseling is essential, at least for you! Perhaps you can both meet with a financial planner, so you both are clear on the goals. The best of luck to you and your family.

Is he under a lot of stress at work? I do not stay home with my daughter partially because I do not feel it is fair to put the entire stress of providing for the family on my husband, especially in this economy. You guys have a lot of issues to work out, and counseling might help, but take a look at it from his perspective. It has to be really scary to be the only source of income when every time you read the paper more people are losing their jobs...

Just another perspective - good luck. Stand up for yourself and get help for your relationship.