E.B.
T.,
Girl I know exactly what your talking about. I've been divorced since last December after 2 long years of arguing, restraining orders, court rooms. He did the same thing to me...showed no concern at first of seperation for the children and then all the sudden he wants to be a dad. Mediation didn't work but my lawyer did. It's a huge ugly story but here's the result so far. They assigned holidays trying to make everything even between the two families. Here's an example. This Thanksgiving I had them for the actual "day" and he has them this weekend. And next year we switch. He'll have them for Thanksgiving day and I'll have them the rest of the time. I have even years. And for Christmas it's split right down the middle...noon! I still have problems with him that I am still dealing with..his anger and lashing out at me, but the trick is A LOT of prayer and don't let them see you sweat. If you can muster a straight face during any argument do it. Be able to prove anything if you need to because guys like that are CONTROLLING and will stop at nothing to hurt you. All you can do is hope they will one day grow up! Mine still tries on his weekends to drag the kids into things..fishing for information about me and my family and so forth. My daughter and son are 12 and 9 and are figuring out that they can tell dad what they think. Though that is scarey, it may take that to stop him. That and I don't respond to every little thing he says. But that's just me ;)
And as for the seperation and divorce thing..guys that are controlling tend to tell you exactly what they're fixing to do if you pay attention. I'm not saying be vendictive or stoop to their level...but it does help to say nothing about what you do to anyone, let him look like the fool and just do what you have to do to get thru it. Mine used threats and words to scare me among other things but I found it in myself to make myself strong and I let God fight the battles. It got too big for me girl...way too big. So I took time thought about things, prayed a lot and then things just started turning around. Things were happening that I had nothing to do with but though I hate to admit it, it kind of made me feel like.."see that's what you get" inside. It's amazing..the power of prayer.
While your adjusting to the holidays changing...my advice is this. If you can get it in writing, do it...lawyers, courts, mediators, counselors, whoever. And then make him stick to it and then explain to your family what you have come up with and let them know it's in the best interest for peaceful holidays that these guidelines be set and stuck to. The kids won't ever get these holidays back. Believe me my family complains too but they have to realize when there's tension the kids know. Make outside holiday time more rewarding with the kids and your family to make up for them being with their dad on the holidays and hang on for the age 18 when you don't have the "legal" battle anymore. Lots of prayers sent your way. PS. If you ever have a worry about their well being...don't be scared to nail him to the wall! Be strong for those babies...no matter what!