How to Guide My Son Out of His 'Extremes' (Whining, Crying, Embarrassment, Etc)

I think it's typical of the age especially in a highly sensitive child BUT when it gets excessive I personally believe it's due to lack of sleep. He should be going to bed by 7:30 (8 at the latest) and sleeping till 8 without waking.

You may find when he is older that he has sensory issues which makes him not cope as well as he could. More sleep really helps that.

I definitely wouldn't give any extra attention for those behaviours. Let him know if he wants to cry and whine about it, fine, he needs to do it in his room so that everyone else doesn't have to hear it.

He's definitely entitled to his feelings, we all are, but it doesn't entitle anyone to behave badly.

To guide him out of his extreme behavior put the responsibility on him to calm down. Don't give in to the whining, crying, etc., by asking what is wrong, cuddling him, or trying to make it better in any way, simply say in a matter-of-fact way "I can't understand you when you cry or whine, you need to stop and use your words." If he continues take him to his room, tell him he needs some alone time and can cry, etc., in his room, not in front of anyone. He comes out when he has calmed down and is not longer crying. And trust me, he WON'T cry for half an hour in his room because he won't have an audience.

At 4 he should be able to use his vocabulary well, always encourage him to do so and tell him "You need to use your words, don't cry/whine," at the beginning of an outburst. When he stops crying or whining you can ask him, "How did you FEEL because I said no, so-and-so left, etc?" and let him tell you if he is angry, sad, hungry, tired, etc. Anytime he starts to whine or cry about anything put a finger to your lips, look at him and say, "It's time to use your words." If he stops and tells you, great, otherwise take him to his room and have him stay there until he's calmed down. Thank him for telling you how he feels and remind him to always tell you, not whine or cry when he is upset.

Always put the responsibility on him for his behavior, don't make excuses (not saying you do) because the world won't. You know he's sensitive, so your goal is to de-sensitize him. Better now than after he behaves this way in front of friends and they tease him and call him a big baby.

As far as embarrassment over picking his nose, he obviously knows it's unacceptable or wouldn't be upset that you were telling dad. So, you tell him, "Do not yell at me, I wouldn't be telling Dad if you hadn't done it, so don't do it. Use a tissue when you need to clean your nose." Someone not waiting for him to put on his shoes is another example where he should use his words, asking nicely, "Will you wait for me?" which can go a long way. And if they don't wait, oh well, he doesn't need to cry about it, and surely he can follow them outside? And, at playdates remove him and take him home (or if in your home put him in his room,) because annoying someone is not polite or the way to get your way.

Like I said, put the responsibility on him to behave, to use his words, to be polite...you're actually showing him love and concern by doing so.

Hang in there!

I have two very sensitive kids as well, so I get your frustration. For me, it was doubly mystifying because I can let a lot of things roll off my back, so there was always an internal reaction of "really?!? you're freaking out about THAT?" and I have probably been less patient than I should have been. But the truth is you're probably not going to ever have a kid that let's things roll off his back, his big emotions are as much a part of him as his eye color. But you can help him learn to manage the emotions and be more in control.
I have found the most success with coming from a place of NOT trying to talk them our of their emotions, but first to simply let them have the feelings and echo them back. Often times, I suspect, they have such big reactions when they don't feel heard or understood. So if I can just reflect it back ("you are upset because Suzy didn't want to play your game at recess and you didn't have anything to do. You felt lonely and blue.") then the child can relax a little knowing that at least his point was made. He may still feel the bad feeling, and chances are he simply doesn't know what to do with it. Bad feelings are uncomfortable for all of us, it takes a lot of trial and error to be able to let go and move on. I then try to suggest alternative reactions based on my experience and couch it that way: "When I'm feeling lonely, sometimes I listen to upbeat music that I enjoy, or I try to talk to a different friend who makes me laugh..." Give advice that comes from the heart and offers practical tips on managing the feelings, but also opens the door for problem solving from the kid (which is what you want ultimately). So:

"You are very upset because Bobby is not playing with you, even though you have a play date and thought you'd play together. How are you feeling? Sad? Mad? OK, you feel mad. You might want to take a minute to calm yourself down so you can think through what do to next. Sometimes when I am mad, I need to take 3 deep breaths and I start to feel calmer. Or you want to stomp around in a circle like a dinosaur for a minute? Make some good growly noises? OK good, you're calmer. So what can you do to change how this play date is going? Would you like to suggest a different activity, or ask Bobby what he'd like to do together? Let's think up some ideas..."

We aim for strict rules in how we talk to each other, saying "you're grumpy I get it, but please stop spraying it around" because it's not fair to let your feelings change the atmosphere in the house. Beyond that, we try to encourage discussion of feelings, by finding the right words to describe them. That seems to help a lot. I got a lot out of the book "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk."
Good luck!

have you tried some "role-playing" with him?

Take him aside some time, and spend some time with him... talk to him about how his whining affects others..... then do some role-playing where YOU play his part, and he has to play YOUR part....

For example, the situation at the sink..... switch roles and YOU be your son, and show him what that behavior looks like..... and if necessary, go on, and on, with the crying and the whining.... have HIM try to console you, or see if he can figure out a way to stop the whining.

The playdate situation... same thing..... do the role-play where YOU are him, and he is the friend that doesn't want to play with him..... let him see how annoying that could be to his friend.....

Then brainstorm with him (try to get him to come up with alternative behaviors) on how to stop reacting this way, and maybe come up with some "signals" you can give him to let him know it isn't appropriate behavior.. and practice those with him.

Or.... have you videotaped him in the throes of a melt-down? If you have a cell-phone with video capability, or a digital camera, just use that..... having him actually seeing his behavior may show him that he needs to try to change it.. and again, brainstorm with him on how he can reduce those behaviors.

My friend has a son who is getting ready to turn 5 and he is behaving the same way. It's driving her crazy.

Just yesterday, we were on the phone and I heard the whining and crying and I thought it was her 3 year old daughter. She said, "Nope...that's my son. The one who is starting kindergarten. He sounds just like a baby girl and I'm ready to give him away at this point".

Of course, she was kidding about giving him away, but he's doing the same things as your son. She's not buying into it and feeding into it. That's been her strategy.

With my own kids, I didn't respond to whining. If they wanted to whine, it was time to leave wherever we were. If they were going to whine, it must have meant they needed to go to bed. My kids didn't whine because it got them the opposite of what they were whining for and it didn't take long for them to figure that out.

The frustrating thing is that some kids can be "selectively" sensitive. They will find bugs and bring them in the house one day and freak out the next if a butterfly flits by. They will think something is funny one day and yet it will hurt their feelings the next.

I think it's part of the age and not all kids are like that, but I don't think you should over think it. Not to sound harsh, but I don't think you should over focus on the sensitivity thing because talking about feelings is fine. Having complete melt-downs over combing your hair is not necessary.

It's likely just a phase and you will find what works best for your own child.

Best wishes.

Maybe you can try to give him words to say instead of crying...

Are you sad? angry? frustrated?

For example... when he whines about washing his hand, ask him why he doesn't want to. Is he mad because he has to stop playing? Is he annoyed because he doesn't like washing his hands? Try to get him to say so instead of crying about it.

Etc. etc. etc.

I also wonder how you react when he does this... do you hover and try to make him feel better right away? Give him hugs to make him feel better? I understand that his feelings are hurt, but he could be over-acting his reactions in hopes of getting extra attention. You might also try walking him to his room when he does this, then tell him "when you calm down, you can come out and we will talk about this..." and leave him there. Acknowledge his feelings and try to help him understand that while it's OK to feel how he does, it's NOT ok to whine about it all the time.

My daughter can be like this sometimes too. I think a lot of it is the age. They are on a cusp of great understanding and independence and it can be overwhelming. I feel like there has been a lot of questions regarding this type of behavior with this age group on here a lot lately, so take comfort.

I agree that I do a lot of things like "I'll talk to you when your voice sounds like mine" or "let me know when you want to use a big girl voice," etc. But it can be very draining because I feel like it's all the time some days.

I did just read a good article in this month's Parents magazine about how to handle your child's emotions. Kate pretty much covered it ;) but I would check out the article because it was good, even though some of it seemed kind of logical.

Also, I notice that my daughter's whining gets worse when she is tired. She may exhibit no other symptoms of being tired except for this whining. Since it's summer we've been busy doing lots of swimming and outdoor things so it does take a toll on a little body. I have put my daughter to bed at 7:30 more times than I count this summer just because I know she needs it. It really does help, along with making sure she's eating pretty well.

From what you wrote, it sounds like he's trying to exert some control over his environment and the whining or crying is his way of expressing his frustration at not succeeding.

I would try letting him control some situations where you don't care which option he chooses- Do you want to wear tennis shoes or sandals today? Are you going to make your bed first or get dressed? The idea is that he feels like its his choice.

I would also encourage him to use words rather than whining and crying whenever possible. Guys, even little ones, need to express themselves verbally rather than acting out.

There is a book called Parenting With Love & Logic (or something similar) that really helped me. The basic premise is that we parents should be empathetic to what the child is feeling while encouraging the child to figure out a way to fix it themselves.

If nothing else works, keep chanting, "Its just a phase".

stop explaining everything. in doing so you have created the ability for him to negotiate (whine, cry etc) everything. Have you used the 1,2,3 magic thing? if not get the book and do it. Your the parent you don't have to explain everything you say no and that is that. Otherwise your going to be explaining to a pissed off teenager why they can't get tattoos smoke dope and live with a girlfriend/boyfriend at 15. instead of saying no period.