Little Girl Who Whines All the Time

I found it best not to give the behavior a label (I never called it whining in front of my kids.) I just said, every single time, "I can't understand you. Please speak politely." If the child refused to speak politely, I sent her or him to the bedroom until they were willing to calm down. (I have 4 kids.) The reason kids whine is because they've found that it gets them lots of attention. If they learn that they get NO attention from it, they're more willing to change their behavior.

I always say to the kids when they whine, "I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. I don't speak whinese." Usually works.

Children's emotions are often misunderstood. I suggest you read Aletha Solter's books Helping Young Children Flourish (for ages 2-8), she has a book the Aware Baby which is for children 0-2. There is also a book Understanding tears and tantrums.

Real tears - are just that, real tears. Whining, however, usually is a need to cry that is suppressed and somehow the child doesn't feel safe to let it out. Children should NEVER be punished for their emotions.

When a child is upset they can't use their words because the prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of the brain) is overwhelmed by stress and upset and activity in the emotional and instinctive brain. They can't think until they get their upset out. If you are calm and accepting of her emotions and can just hang out with her. You can say, I will be right here with you while you have your 'sads' (or angries or scareds) and when you are finished you can tell me what you need. Children use all kinds of pretexts to be upset about. In reality, they have stored up stress and absorb the upset, worry and stress of the adults around them and then all of a sudden they decide they want a banana and there are none in the house and they throw a full on tantrum! It really has nothing to do with the banana. When they get done wtih their upsets they are usually so loving and flexible.

Children's emotions are a very big topic and when I give my 'talk' on it this winter or spring in Culver City - I'll invite this group.

Regards,
C. Marks

Well one thing's for sure - she's right in line with what 4 year-olds do. They whine for stuff, that's the facts. It will be a little longer I suspect, but all you can do is keep your cool and show her how much better it works when she can express herself properly. You might even try some role-playing where she's the mom and you're her, and you whine for something (and she says "no"), and then try it again where you ask properly and she gets to tell you "yes" as the mom. Just stuff like that, where you can show her how it works. Don't worry, it WILL end - stay strong. I'm sorry you've got the extra stress of your hubby being gone - be good to yourself.
M.

Hi L., I think that maybe for a while have your girls play in their backyard if you have one. The neighbor maybe going through some hardships that causing the nastyness, although there is never a good enough excuss to be rude to a child, and make a child feel like you dont like them. A 4 year old does not understand the behavior of an adult. Maybe you can also find a play group for your girls away from this neighbor. I know what you feel like doing, but you always want to be a great example to the kids and teach them to handle problems with words. I would let this neighbor know, that they are to never treat your daughter with that kind of disrespect again. just a little extra advice to you, your husband is gone, don't write him about this problem, my husband is retired navy, and I had a crisis once and wrote him about it, and it caused to to worry more about what was going on at home, and then my mom told me don't ever tell hime the problems until they have been fixed, so when ever anything came up, I always took care of it or got the help i needed then I wrote him about it. Also L. if you ever need someone to talk to during this time you can call me ( 619 ) ###-###-#### I've been through my share of seperations so when i say I understand what you are going through I really do. In the mean time love up on your girls, and just tell your 4 year old that not all people are nice people and it has nothing to do with her. J. L.

Hi L.,

First of all, bless you for having a Husband that is in Iraq. I can't imagine how hard that is!
On to your little girl. She probably misses daddy and she uses the whining for attention. Try this....make a poster board for rewarding her when she doesn't whine. Include daddy in it. If she whines, ask her to repeat what she just said without whining and she can go put a star on the daddy reward board. Get some star stickers or american flag stickers...When she earns 5 stars you and she sit down together and draw daddy pictures or write a letter (I'd chose one activity) place in a large envelope and mail to daddy once a week/month. Take that special trip to the post office together...have her give the money to pay etc...make a big deal out of it. Help to praise her by saying daddy would be so proud, let's sit down and tell daddy how well you used your words today, etc etc etc. After a short while, she may not really realize it but she should get into a pattern of not whining because she'll want to draw for daddy. Put his picture on the poster board so she can see him everyday.

Just a thought. Hope it works! Good Luck to you!
E.

Your little girl is probably reverting to being a baby for attention. She might be missing her dad and also I'm sure prior to your husband leaving you had to prepare and that took time from her.
Try to talk to her to explain "big girls" speak clearly and babies whine. Treat her as a baby (including nap time!) to help her figure it out.
Good luck!

When my kids were that age I told them I couldn't understand them when they whined. It actually worked.

Thank you and your family for the sacrifices you have made for our country. I believe that she knows something is wrong with her dad not being there. Any tendency that she had to whine is increased because of that. Can you keep in touch with your husband at all? Maybe get a webcam or send him cards and letters that she can decorate. Talk to her in a whiney voice so that she can see what it sounds like. Ignore her requests when she whines, but continue to spend increased 1:1 time with her. Show her that you love her and have fun together. Encourage her to not whine so much...maybe use a reward system of some kind. Best of luck.

First of all, big hugs to you and your family for sacrificing so much for the rest of us! I pray that your husband comes home safe, sound and soon!!!

As for the whining, what has worked great for me is to just calmly say, "I'm sorry. I can't understand you when you talk like that. Just use a normal voice please." Be a brick wall and stick to your guns. Keep repeating that phrase if she answers in a whine and she will eventually see that she's not getting what she wants that way. When she uses her normal voice, praise her. "OH, that's much better! Now I can understand you!" and then you can take care of whatever her need is. The added bonus of this method is that my girls rarely whine anymore, and if they do, it just takes me saying this phrase one time to get them to use their normal voices again.

Best of luck to you and your precious family!

Yes I am sure she's missing her Daddy and acting out, but yes, I agree with other Moms that even that doesn't make whining okay. I am very sure she can feel your anxieties, however mild (or severe) they may be.
I too tell my 4 year old (since she was 2!) that I don't speak "whine". I also learned this one from a Mommy friend; I pull out the phone and say: "oh NO! ! Do I have to call WHINE ONE ONE? and have the WAMBULANCE come?" this usually breaks the tension. Sometimes I then ask her to help me make the sound of the Wambulance (you can imagine - "wah-ah-ah-ah" with a whine) so we can laugh together. And then, I suggest that she try again, and use words.
I also respond to "I want _____" with: "Honey, I want a girl who remembers please, and doesn't use a whiny tone of voice". That often actually works.

& don't forget to be generous with your hugs and kisses throughout - it'll be good for the both of you.

much strength and support to you with your husband gone -
hmmm. Perhaps you can ask your little girl to help YOU with your missing your hubby - help with some specific chore at home, or 'reading' to you or tucking you in sometimes. Then she'll feel like she's doing something important for you, too.

my best to you and your family

First of all, THANK YOU to your husband for serving our country (I'm assuming he went to Iraq on a tour of duty) and thank you for supporting him at home:) Your job as a mom and dad is so much tougher and I appreciate you!

To add to the advice of "not understanding Whinese (that's cute)" you also need to show them. If you want her to use her words or big voice, you should give her an example. It's just like when we had to learn Spanish or French or whatever in high school. Our teachers never made us start talking right off the bat, there was always a "repeat after me..."
Same thing goes for teaching her how not to whine. If she says "IIII wannnt a snnaaack" tell her use your words like this "mommy, may I please have a snack." Show her the difference between a whine and a big voice. Once they know the difference, then they'll understand what you're trying to tell them.

What worked for me is to tell my daughter. "I'm sorry I can't hear you when you whine" "If you can talk correctly I think I can hear you." Then just ignore the whine and wait. It takes patience, but mine learned how she should talk to me.

:)
L.

Her dad just left for Iraq, and you wonder why she whines all the time?
Hmmm....I'd say give her a break, and plenty of hugs and kisses, what a tough thing to deal with for a child.

Hi LeAnn!

I always told my sons that whining hurt my ears and I couldn't hear them when they whined, so they needed to use their "normal" voice. If the whining persisted, I would turn to my son and say, "I'm sorry. Did you want something? When you can speak to me without whining, I'll be able to hear you." My oldest figured it out quickly; my youngest took a bit longer, to the point where I'd send him out of the room to count to ten, take a deep breath and try again.

Interestingly, this same technique works well on the high schoolers I teach, although rude attitude is more common than whining, although I still get that. For that reason, I disagree with "cutting some slack" because your husband just left for Iraq...bless you for your sacrifice, btw. Life doesn't always go our way and whining doesn't solve anything and, in fact, often makes it worse. Food for thought...

Find your catch phrase and stick with it. Add to that praise whenever she uses her normal voice and I think she'll come around.

Good luck!

is she talking at all, clearly.. have her hearing tested, you think she might be hearing you and she might not be, just to make sure. Sit down with her and use some flash cards, they have ones that fit her age, start reading to her, more, show her what the words look like, when she starts to whine, dont pay attention to it right away, she is four, she can do time out, give her only one warning, then time out, you have to put her back if she gets up, start 4 mins over, she gets up back she goes, the time starts when she is quiet, and no whinning, she will learn real fast..

Hi there. I think it is a normal phase. I conquered the whine but it took a long time. The best thing is to stay calm and ignore what she's saying and just keep repeating that she has to ask you nicely. And then hug her and praise her when she asks right before you answer the question. For a while you should praise her a lot every time she asks for anything nicely, even when you haven't made an issue out of it. You have to judge her mood first, but sometimes it works to mock her and whine yourself, so she can see how annoying it is. But only if she is not overtired and on the brink, and only if you can do it with a tiny sense of humor and playfulness. Sometimes it helps to overreact and comfort her as if she were crying when she whines. Ask her what is wrong and why she is so sad about whatever she is whining about. Exaggerate it so she understands that she doesn't have to whine when she asks for something and nothing is wrong. I think she may be sad that her daddy is gone too, but you should try to help her seperate that from the way she whines when she asks for every day things. But most of all you must stick to your guns ad be strict about not listening or giving in when she is whining. She has just learned somewhere that that is how you get your mommy's attention and you have to un-do that. After a while a hard look without saying anything will do the trick, and before you know it she'll be all polite and charming. Then you can brace yourself for the next phase! :-) (My 4 yr old girl has just started bossing me around and calling me "man" likea little gangster! She shouts "do you understand me?" just like I say, so watch yourself.)
And by the way, all kinds of kids movies have little moral messages about being nice. Try to watch for them and find an example that she can relate to. Cinderella and her stepsisters is just one of many.
Good Luck, and Merry Christmas!

I also have a periodic whiny 4 year old! There are a few things that I have found work pretty well.

1) We are big fans of the "I don't speak whine"- if she is just trying to get attention saying that with humor and a hug usually works.
2) I have found the more going on in her world the whinier. I have tried to make sure she has sufficient attention, hugs, and undivided time. That does seem to help the underlying whiny cause if there is more going on. I am sure with you all, there are a lot of emotions flying through that little head!

Hugs to you and your family, you will survive and thrive!

Hello L....

Sounds like you need to be creative here.... why not make a video for your husband of your little girl playing dress-up and dancing to music? She can't whine then...

Have you thought of getting one of those digital picture frames of the family? It might make her feel better to see him with every moving picture.

It's okay to miss Daddy. She wants attention and may not express her feelings that he is gone. Kids have no sense of time. It just seems like "forever" til he returns.

Also, I have heard that Dads that go away for a period of time, record themselves reading a favorite children's book. You can pop it in the Tv and Dad comes alive, even for a moment. You need some "emergency" tools for yourself too. You can always send a book to him and he can record and send her a "present" in the mail... or maybe even use a web cam on the computer....

Hope it helps... your husband is a hero for serving our country.... hope the days go by fast for you...

L.,
I read love and logic about three times through so far - and let me tell you, they have it down with the whining. One of my five year olds really whines a lot - and just stating that I can't talk to a little guy who whines (I can't hear what you're saying honey until you use a big boy voice) has really made a difference. I would definitely pick up the book if you can - it will change your view of parenting, esp when you're having to do it on your own for the time being. Prayers for your honey while he is deployed.
Hope this helps!
A.

When she's asking you to help her, start whinning, and throughing this same attitude that she gives you. Don't give in to her when she tells you to stop, act just like her. When she starts going crazy calmly say why are you getting mad, That's exactly what you do. When she asks you for something in a whinning voice say I don't want to listen to that, come back when you can talk like a big girl. Don't give her anything until she asks nicely like a big girl. Sometimes watching you act like a crazy nut makes them realize how stupid it is. Anytime she starts this whinning thing join in with her and both have a whinning fit, then after say, did you get what you wanted out of that because I didn't. Now try asking me with words if you can't tell me all the words explain what you want and I'll help you learn the word. Good Luck, This to will pass. Thank goodness. J.

I really like Loveandlogic.com they even take phone calls for difficult situations with children. They give one liner that help stop the problem fast and teach us to raise kids to live in the real world.

Please tell your husband thank you for all he does for this country and for my family!!!!!!!!!!!
love, M. R

Dear L..
Do not let her get away with it.. She needs to know that you are the queen.
When my daughter wanted to atsrt whinning....
She got "the look".
She stop right that moment.
Remember you are the mother not her.
Kids are very smart and if you let them. They will control you.
Good luck to you and all your family.

You might try not giving her what she wants if she whines. Also you could try whining like she does so she can see how she looks. Seems i tried that method. And of course they laugh. Well what ever works.

I'm sure her dad leaving does not help, my grandaughter exibited many things like pulling out her hair etc, when her dad went over seas, she would also cry and say i want my dad when she couldn't get her own way. I'm just not sure how to handle that. I hope you get some good advice and i'm sure you will.